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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should we stay with my wife's parents?

86 replies

beatsandbikes76 · 14/01/2022 11:52

Hi, i'm new here, and really looking for some advice.

We are planning a family trip to the US, and my wife who is American wants us to stay with her parents for about a week, the only problem is they live right on a major freeway. The only thing separating the freeway from the house is a breeze block wall which is less than 10m from one of the busiest freeways in the area.

I am VERY concerned about pollution levels from this major freeway and the harm it may cause my children who are 10yrs and 6yrs.

We have stayed at the house previously on more than one occasion, when my first born was a baby for about 2 weeks at a time, admittedly i was not as aware of the freeway, or the potential harm from pollution. However, since that time, there has been more awareness of the dangers of pollution in the news, and my first born was diagnosed with ADHD last year, and although its difficult to say if there is a correlation, it has made me think more about the potential harm of traffic pollution and particulate matter on babies and children.

My wife really wants to stay with her parents from an emotional and also cost saving perspective, however am I being unreasonable to suggest we do not stay at the house this time round?

thanks

OP posts:

Fraine · 14/01/2022 13:01

I thought you were going to say it’s noisy 😂

1 week is fine. We breathe much worse air as we’re under the Heathrow flight path

AlexaShutUp · 14/01/2022 13:02

Certainly not a climate change denier here. I think there are major problems with pollution and I would be very concerned about living next to a major road. But staying there for a week every now and then? You're massively overthinking it.

There is probably a miniscule risk, but nothing that you need to be concerned about. Frankly, there is a risk in getting on a plane and flying across the world. There is a risk in going out of your front door every day. And there is a risk that, in worrying excessively about this very minor concern, you will cause a lot of emotional hurt to your wife and her parents that may impact on your family relationships. And that, in turn, will impact on the emotional wellbeing of your children.

Risks are everywhere. The risk of one thing needs to be balanced against the risks associated with mitigating against it. It is probably very hard for your wife to bring up her children so far from her home country and her parents. Your excessive anxiety about staying with her parents for just one week probably seems quite cruel and unfeeling.

Do you have an anxiety problem? I do think you need to consider what else is going on here because your response is not proportionate to the risk that you have identified.

Mistyplanet · 14/01/2022 13:05

I see where you're coming from but on balance it"s going to be better for your childrens health to have less stress and have their mum happy and see their grandparents than two parents who are fighting. Im sure your wife will really resent you for preventing this time with her family and it will damage your relationship. She'll be really hurt by it. Kids all over the world live with air pollution- i dont think one week will be harmful. The hurt you'll cause by rejecting your wife and inlaws will be alot more damaging to your kids in the long run than air pollution for a week. If you really want maybe buy an air purifier for where they sleep but be careful not to offend your in laws.

KO81 · 14/01/2022 13:09

I’ve never seen a unanimous 💯 YABU result before.

Quartz2208 · 14/01/2022 13:11

yes, im very practical - cause and effect person.

Yes you can really tell. Even with the would the responses be different if I were a woman - No because as far as you can say this is just a specific house issue and are we climate deniers - no I dont think anyone here has or will say that climate change and pollution is a real issue. But you are using these again to try and make sense of what people are saying. And again lashing out a little bit

None of it though is going to change the fact that your child has ADHD and you are trying desperately to make sense of it.

But routine is incredibly important for them and if in the past they have stayed there and are used to it have you even remotely thought of the impact that would have.

That you are flying across and that even if you visit you will be by the road.

All of this adds up to. Your child has ADHD please try and come to terms with this in a way that isnt going to cause them or your wife emotional harm. Staying for 1 week at your inlaws in the grand scheme of things isnt actually going to change much from a pollution perspective but from an emotional one will an awful lot.

Last year sounds like it was a recent diagnosis please try to access some support in this

Original poster

beatsandbikes76 · 14/01/2022 13:12

@Burgerqueenbee

id also be interested in what peoples views are on pollution and the planet in general, i wouldn't be surprised if many on here were climate change denialists

That's unduly harsh, there will likely be a proportionate amount of climate change deniers as there are in the general population.

I'm a vegan environmental scientist who drives an electric car when a train or walking is not appropriate, I like my in laws, and have never had a parking dispute or told someone to LTB - we are not all one stereotype just because we are on mumsnet.

good for you, i'm a first time poster here, and although i appreciate all the responses, i do find some/most replies are quite accusatory, being told to get a grip, get therapy, etc for showing that i care for the health of my children, is not what i expected.

OP posts:

Original poster

beatsandbikes76 · 14/01/2022 13:15

LOL

OP posts:

Original poster

beatsandbikes76 · 14/01/2022 13:16

Thank you

OP posts:

RoseMartha · 14/01/2022 13:16

Yabvu

Thingsdogetbetter · 14/01/2022 13:18

You do know adhd isn't the same as ASD? And one single biased source is not strong evidence. You're adding 2 and 2 and coming up with 2347. It's a huge leap to pollution outside inlaw's gave my child adhd.

You're grappling for answers and something to blame. To put order back into your life. But what are you going to do about the research that says gut bacteria causes autism? Or those that blame the older father's sperm? These are clickbait articles unless you do proper, indepth reading across dozens or hundreds of often conflicting research.

Quartz2208 · 14/01/2022 13:18

I dont think it is accusatory @beatsandbikes76 you have had a diagnosis for your child which has shocked you and rocked the core of your world. And in keeping with your personality you desperately want to find a reason for it.

What myself and other posters are saying is that in saying no to staying you are putting the pollution aspect ahead of routine and emotional stability and your wife and children need and want to see their grandparents. And in that balance it isnt worth the risk.

There are many resources out there (and a very good SEN board here) that will help you manage the initial diagnosis process and how best to handle it going forward.

Going back and trying to figure out WHY is going to help with moving forward with HOW you can do the best for your child.

TequilaShot · 14/01/2022 13:19

Of course you should stay with them, it sounds like you looking for any excuse not too.

Fraine · 14/01/2022 13:19

@beatsandbikes76 what did you expect, to be coddled by cuddlesome women? 😂

AIBU is very straightforward and direct, you’ll get used to it once you thicken your skin.

Limegreentangerine · 14/01/2022 13:19

The stuff you read on here 😂😂😂
If that's all you have to worry about you are doing EXTREMELY well in life

saraclara · 14/01/2022 13:19

You posted on a branch of this forum that is called "Am I being unreasonable?" So it's odd that you're surprised when people answered your question!

But seriously, please try to rein in your anxiety. If you care about your children's health, you also need to care about not passing on irrational fears.
Being concerned about living near a motorway because of pollution - rational
Wanting not to spend a week staying with someone who lives near a motorway because of pollution - irrational.

girlmom21 · 14/01/2022 13:20

That's a really bad try at an excuse. You need to do better.

saraclara · 14/01/2022 13:21

@Limegreentangerine

The stuff you read on here 😂😂😂 If that's all you have to worry about you are doing EXTREMELY well in life

To be fair, he clearly does have more to worry about, because his child's ADHD clearly is a big concern and possible source of guilt for him.

But still...unreasonable to let his anxiety prevent his DW from staying with her parents.

AlexaShutUp · 14/01/2022 13:22

@beatsandbikes76, mumsnet tends to be quite blunt, I'm afraid, but the messages that you're being given are sound.

There is nothing wrong at all about being concerned for the health of your children, but it's glaringly obvious to everyone on here that your concerns are disproportionate to the risk. Does that not make you question whether you might have blown things up in your mind to an extent that isn't healthy?

Having grown up with a parent who had anxiety problems, I know as well as anyone that excessive and/or misplaced worries about minor risks can be very damaging to the child's mental health. In trying to protect them from one thing (pollution), you may well be putting them at risk in another way (their emotional wellbeing). I am not having a go at you at all, but I do think your thinking is skewed on this topic.

AlexaShutUp · 14/01/2022 13:25

Also, fwiw, I am currently awaiting a diagnosis for adhd. I'm pretty certain I have it and it does make life difficult, but it isn't the end of the world and I have actually done incredibly well despite it. So please keep that in perspective too.

Original poster

beatsandbikes76 · 14/01/2022 13:27

Honestly thank you all for posting your reply's we will be staying with the in-laws, we are all looking forward to the trip immensely after a tough few years in lockdowns, and yes i am suffering from some anxiety/guilt/depression and I am not dealing well with the diagnosis.

OP posts:

knittingaddict · 14/01/2022 13:28

i don't think i'm being that unreasonable given that pollution is such a popular topic these days, i do wonder if these responses would be different if i were a mother asking these questions about her in-laws, it is Mumsnet after all, and id also be interested in what peoples views are on pollution and the planet in general, i wouldn't be surprised if many on here were climate change denialists.

What would make you think that? How long have you been hanging out on mn?

I would say the very opposite actually and that mn, as a hive mind, is very aware of climate change and pollution.

Are you on a wind up?

Kite22 · 14/01/2022 13:28

Over 150 votes at this point and STILL 100% agreeing YABU.
That is pretty unusual for AIBU

I do wonder if these responses would be different if i were a mother asking these questions about her in-laws

Nope.
You are right, some questions get different responses depending on who is posting, but not this one.
This just sounds like a pretty poor scrabbling about for some reason not to stay with the in-laws.

If you asked the internet whether they would but a house to live in permanently besides a very busy road, you would have got different responses, but you are asking about staying with the dcs grandparents for one week when you visit their country. 100% different.

girlmom21 · 14/01/2022 13:29

@beatsandbikes76

Maybe you should actually consider therapy for the anxiety and guilt. It's not your fault.

Original poster

beatsandbikes76 · 14/01/2022 13:31

@AlexaShutUp

@AlexaShutUp sorry to hear that, and thank you x

OP posts:

AlexaShutUp · 14/01/2022 13:35

@beatsandbikes76

Good call, @beatsandbikes76.

It isn't your fault about the adhd. You didn't cause it. It is just one of those things. And it's actually a huge positive that your dc has got an early diagnosis - like I said, I have been very successful despite this condition, but I look back with great regret at how much easier life would have been if I had been diagnosed earlier and had access to support. Please ditch the guilt, your dc will be fine.

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