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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has compressed hours but doesn't use time off for childcare

106 replies

Positivity84 · 13/01/2022 22:45

We both worked compressed hours while our DS was at nursery. DH had first two Fridays off per month and I had remaining 2/3 Fridays off. It worked nicely and we looked after our DS on those days off.

DS started reception in September and I went full time. At the same time, DH decided to keep his Fridays off but use them for himself. Like if I'm not doing Friday childcare anymore than neither is he.

Anyway, this sounded ok to me at the time, but what this has meant on practice is that DH goes off to cinema / out on daytime adventure on 'his Fridays' and I do school collection, set DS up with some toys and finish my working day as early as I can. Wfh on Fridays so from that perspective is manageable.

I'm just not sure how me going full-time in September equated with him not having to use his Fridays off for childcare as he had done previously? We've just had an argument about tomorrow and I'm wondering if I'm looking at this the wrong way... not sure why it's coming up now!

OP posts:
ancientgran · 14/01/2022 13:24

So what would you do if he said OK I'll start working Monday to Friday again?

Can't you both be flexible, if he wants to see a film on Friday you will cover but then you get cover if you want to do something at the weekend or one evening.

Plans are great but if they are too rigid they just cause angst.

HardbackWriter · 14/01/2022 13:27

So what would you do if he said OK I'll start working Monday to Friday again?

If he's going to give up his six child-free hours because the OP wants to stop compromising her own work to allow for that to extend all day then he really is quite a petty twat, isn't he?

MrsMiddleMother · 14/01/2022 13:35

Of course he should be picking dc up from school, not having 'me days'. He has from 9 to 3 to do whatever he likes, then he picks dc up and cares for him as you are still working.

cultkid · 14/01/2022 13:36

Knob

Theendisnow · 14/01/2022 13:36

So you work five days a week. He does 4 but longer hours? In terms of caring for your school whilst your DH works the longer hours, who does that?

Loveisthere · 14/01/2022 13:37

So he has a days holiday every week oh very nice for him. Selfish does not even begin to describe his behaviour. Tell him he cleans cooks does childcare on Fridays and not go of on a Jolley

mindutopia · 14/01/2022 13:37

I have Fridays off. I always do the school runs, because obviously I am not working and Dh is. Does this mean that on your Fridays off you go to the cinema and Dh does the school run and childcare?

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 14/01/2022 13:37

@PicaK

I'd do a print out of the week, and divide each day into two columns, 1 for each of you. For each column use different colours to mark out the status quo on 1)the hours when you work, 2)when you do sole child care, 3) when you have sole free time 4)when you do child care together "family time" 5)when you have 1:1 time with each other "date night!"

I think you need to see it visually and tot the hours up. Because although he works Mon-Thurs he's still doing as many as you. Except yours are getting hindered.
Honestly I think his day off is really good well being - you should look for that too.
But child care needs to be split 50/50 as you both work.
And you may have to think about wrap around care. Is it really fair on your ds to try and work while he is at home? He deserves your full attention. He could be having fun with his friends.

You'd do a printout. He's not a robot or an employee. Shock
museumum · 14/01/2022 13:39

He can totally have “his Friday” but only after he’s dropped your ds at school and until he picks him up again.
It’s crazy for you to be working and parenting at the same time while he does neither!!!

HardbackWriter · 14/01/2022 13:41

@burnoutbabe

I would say that most cinemas now are only shoring films from 1pm onwards so if what he really wants to do is watch a new movie in peace, that can't really be done and be ready for 3pm pick up.

Just as you said that's what he wants to do with his free time. But maybe he could just go all pickups and go one evening post work instead.

I think it's probably true that it's hard to fit in a cinema visit - so as you say he should do that in the evening or at the weekend or some other time where OP isn't working (with obviously her having the ability to do the same). The Fridays shouldn't be his sole 'time off', that isn't reasonable (and there are lots of things an adult might want to do for leisure that can't be done between 9-3 on a weekday; most of your friends won't be available, for a start) but he should only consider himself free on a Friday from dropoff to pick up, and plan what he does with that time accordingly.
NellieWellietheEllie · 14/01/2022 13:42

Yes, he's taking the piss. We have a similar set up, where we both have a couple of days 'off' a month. These days the kids are in school and I sometimes get grumpy that I seem to spend 9-3 on my days off doing mostly chores, whereas he spends his on mostly leisure - but he'd never dream of not doing all the childcare on days when he's not working and I am. That bit at least goes without saying!

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 14/01/2022 13:44

Hmm well you choose to put your hours back to work on the 2 Fridays you had off could you not recompress your hours and take the 2 days for yourself too he has 1 day every 2 weeks to chill you should too

Stompythedinosaur · 14/01/2022 13:45

I'd be asked when your two days a month just for you were?

Coffeepot72 · 14/01/2022 13:47

It seems a little sad that the OP and her DH seem to both have a very mathematical approach to bringing up their child, a lot of time seems to go into working out what’s fair, almost like childcare is an arduous duty, rather than spending quality time with their child?

But that aside, the OP is definitely not BU about the current Friday situation.

Hemingwayzcatz · 14/01/2022 13:47

He can still have the Friday off and go to the cinema during school hours but he should collect your DC from school, absolutely selfish and ridiculous that he doesn’t.

DirtyDancing · 14/01/2022 13:48

I have Thursdays to myself now DCs are at school. My DH still drops off, but I pick up. It's on his way to work. I don't massively see a problem with that, but he needs to do the school run/ after school childcare. I also try and get all the washing put away.. do the food shop.. and get the the hair dressers etc on my day off so not to impact on family lie. But I also go meet friends or go for a run.

It's nice to have a day off. I don't begrudge him that, it's about how much he pulls his weight

HardbackWriter · 14/01/2022 13:49

@Coffeepot72

It seems a little sad that the OP and her DH seem to both have a very mathematical approach to bringing up their child, a lot of time seems to go into working out what’s fair, almost like childcare is an arduous duty, rather than spending quality time with their child?

But that aside, the OP is definitely not BU about the current Friday situation.

I've been told before that DH and I are too mathematical about dividing chores, child care and free time, that it's much healthier and better to just have a relaxed attitude about it. The thing is, though, I've seen what happens in couples where no one worries about fairness and sharing it out - the woman does the majority of the work and the man gets the majority of the free time.
timeisnotaline · 14/01/2022 13:50

There is surely no way the op isn’t doing more weekday parenting and housework under more time pressure to support his compressed hours, and if he doesn’t do the school run and afternoon parenting on his days off, he’s just taking all that effort of hers and running off with it like he’s owed it.

NellieWellietheEllie · 14/01/2022 13:54

Also, 5pm-7pm childcare with primary age and below kids is actually pretty arduous. It is the time they are most tired, and they need dinner cooking and tidying up after them, and whatever they need for school the next day, and probably activities on some days. I love my kids, but working until 6.30pm or whatever is an absolute luxury, compared to all the work required to get kids through to bedtime. So actually compressed hours often does put a lot more pressure on the other person. It's not the same as taking the kids for a day out to the beach / zoo / park/ other fun stuff.

Caterinasballerinas · 14/01/2022 13:56

Can you go to the office on these Fridays to hammer home that you are working. Or speak to him and ask if he thinks you need to pay for after school care on these days? Given that the whole day previously used to be about looking after DC, it should still be about looking after them after school, he gets the hours of 9-3 to himself not the whole day without prior agreement occasionally

StEval · 14/01/2022 14:05

@Coffeepot72

It seems a little sad that the OP and her DH seem to both have a very mathematical approach to bringing up their child, a lot of time seems to go into working out what’s fair, almost like childcare is an arduous duty, rather than spending quality time with their child?

But that aside, the OP is definitely not BU about the current Friday situation.

I dont find it sad at all. Both should be doing their fair share and so many women are shafted because men take the piss. The only sad thing about this is her husbands appalling , selfish behaviour.
Coffeepot72 · 14/01/2022 14:06

I've been told before that DH and I are too mathematical about dividing chores, child care and free time, that it's much healthier and better to just have a relaxed attitude about it. The thing is, though, I've seen what happens in couples where no one worries about fairness and sharing it out - the woman does the majority of the work and the man gets the majority of the free time.

Fair point @HardbackWriter, and a relaxed approach probably works best when neither side take the p*ss. But this post does come across that the OP and her DH view childcare like I view taking the bins out!

NorthSouthcatlady · 14/01/2022 14:06

He sounds like a lazy entitled dick! When you had an argument then what was his logic / justification? Are you getting as much time off and doing your own thing? It doesn’t sound like it

NorthSouthcatlady · 14/01/2022 14:08

@HardbackWriter l think you have the right idea, we divide tasks in a methodical way and it works well for us

Caterina99 · 14/01/2022 14:11

DH and I have fairly flexible working hours and mostly just randomly arrange the school drop off and pick up between us depending on what we’re doing each day.

There’s no way if one of us was working a full day and the other one had the day off, that the working parent would pick the kids up from school and then continue on working while the other parent is at the cinema! If you have a week day off to yourself then it’s between 9 and 3 unless it’s very special circumstances!