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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH has compressed hours but doesn't use time off for childcare

106 replies

Positivity84 · 13/01/2022 22:45

We both worked compressed hours while our DS was at nursery. DH had first two Fridays off per month and I had remaining 2/3 Fridays off. It worked nicely and we looked after our DS on those days off.

DS started reception in September and I went full time. At the same time, DH decided to keep his Fridays off but use them for himself. Like if I'm not doing Friday childcare anymore than neither is he.

Anyway, this sounded ok to me at the time, but what this has meant on practice is that DH goes off to cinema / out on daytime adventure on 'his Fridays' and I do school collection, set DS up with some toys and finish my working day as early as I can. Wfh on Fridays so from that perspective is manageable.

I'm just not sure how me going full-time in September equated with him not having to use his Fridays off for childcare as he had done previously? We've just had an argument about tomorrow and I'm wondering if I'm looking at this the wrong way... not sure why it's coming up now!

OP posts:

Wreath21 · 13/01/2022 23:29

When do you get time off to do things that are only of interest and benefit to you, though? The easiest way to check whether your family life is fair and equal WRT to childcare and housework is to compare the amount of leisure time you each get. That's absolute time to yourself, not 'Oh, I'll take DC to the park so you can get on with the housework in peace'. Nor is it 'family days out' which are regarded as leisure time for the mum while the dad gets whole separate days out with friends or doing a hobby.

immersivereader · 13/01/2022 23:32

He has Friday? You have Saturday

Easy

👏

busyeatingbiscuits · 13/01/2022 23:37

He surely has 9-3 on a Friday off?

He should be doing childcare while you're working. Presumably on his long days you are doing childcare while he is working?

Babyboomtastic · 14/01/2022 00:03

Hmnn, I dont see this as totally black and white, but I guess I have a slightly crazy approach to compressed hours myself.

I do full time (or near) hours over 3 days, and any extra evenings. I do this so we can have the benefits of a ft income, but so I can still devote 2 days a week to my toddler.

I'm self employed, so the extra hours are from evening work and not taking much in the way of breaks. I have less social life and downtime. On my days with my toddler, I do the school run (usually) but I do little in the way of chores. It's primarily MY time, that I trade my evenings for.

If his compressed hours is a result of him working late nights once the kids are in bed etc, rectory than something you have to facilitate, I can see the argument that he can use it as he wants. But of course he should be sensible and, expecting you to interfere with your work should the the exception not the norm.

BurscoughBooths · 14/01/2022 00:06

Why don’t you go back to compressed hours so that you get 2 Fridays a month for yourself?

spotcheck · 14/01/2022 00:11

@immersivereader

He has Friday? You have Saturday

Easy

👏

We, except that OP has to stop work to pick up child/ entertain child....

OP
Ask your husband if he's going to stop work on the Fridays you are off, to go pick your child up. After all, you might have something better to do

maddening · 14/01/2022 00:12

The other thing is that in order to have his Fridays he is working longer Mon to Thursday meaning the op is doing more of the house and child stuff to facilitate that and then facilitating his fancy free time by providing the wrap around care at the same time as working on the Friday.

The one advantage of your dp doing this is he will always be available on a Friday in the school holidays .

LadyGAgain · 14/01/2022 00:33

You state you both had compressed hours. So, working FT in 4 days? Then you say you've gone back to FT work? Compressed hours is FT work?

So are you working FT in 5 days including Fridays and he is doing it in 4?

Before I comment further, can you please clarify this. Thank you!

Babyboomtastic · 14/01/2022 00:57

The other thing is that in order to have his Fridays he is working longer Mon to Thursday meaning the op is doing more of the house and child stuff to facilitate that

Why are you assuming this?

Yes he could he working 9-7 or similar, or could be doing 9-5 and then 9-11pm. Or he could be getting up and wfh 2 hours before the family.

BlingLoving · 14/01/2022 09:48

It's mind blowing to me that he is swanning about for an entire day while, on that day, you are working AND doing childcare, simultaneously in fact for part of the day.

At most, he could have 9-15:00 off. Although I'd love to know when you get 6 hours of zero responsibility time?

fiorentina · 14/01/2022 09:53

Absolute piss take on his part. Maybe you pick up the occasional Friday if you have time, but every week?! And surely he should help with some housework etc on his day off? I work 4 days and whilst I go to the gym/meet a friend for coffee sometimes I always do as much in the house as possible to take the pressure off us other days.

Quartz2208 · 14/01/2022 09:55

He is perfectly entitled to a Friday I think if that is the way his work works. I work a 3 day week DH does 5.

But on the days I am not working all the drop off and picks up are on me - that is where he is wrong. Fitting in me time in the 6 hours his child is at school is fine but school collection is on him as you as working

The fact that he doesnt see it that way is him looking at it wrongly. I am assuming that he justified it to his work based on childcare....

Dammitthisisshit · 14/01/2022 09:56

No way. I used to do 4 days/week. On ‘my’ off day I did school drop/pick, often did a play date as it was the only day we could, cooked tea, got a shop in and (usually) still had an hour or 2 to myself.
He is totally taking the mickey.

KatherineSiena · 14/01/2022 09:57

Crikey, he’s really taking the mick. I used to work a four day week, I did childcare on my day off, shopping, chores (and had a bit of me time). This enabled us to enjoy the weekend as a family. On a rare occasion I didn’t nothing all day but sleep or read but I was always available for school collection.

Smartiepants79 · 14/01/2022 09:57

Your child is at school 9-3 that’s still several hours of ‘me’ time!
Why doesn’t he want to spend some time with his son??

SarahAndQuack · 14/01/2022 10:00

I agree with a PP that the only possible way this could be approaching fair would be if his compressed hours don't require the OP to do any extra childcare/housework - eg., if he fills in the extra hours late in the evening when the DC are in bed.

I have to say even so, I would really struggle with the idea of him just making a unilateral decision that he will impose on the OP the task of doing childcare and work at the same time, while he's off. Fine to suggest it - DP and I both do a fair bit of juggling minding DD and working from home, but that's because we both chose to do that, it works for us and for DD, and work don't mind.

Very different for him simply to assume it'll be that way and to get stroppy with the OP when she explains it doesn't work for her.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 14/01/2022 10:03

When l had a day off when Dd was in school, l mostly cleaned, washed clothes and dealt with boring house admin.

I didn’t have time to swan off

Cornettoninja · 14/01/2022 10:04

@Babyboomtastic

The other thing is that in order to have his Fridays he is working longer Mon to Thursday meaning the op is doing more of the house and child stuff to facilitate that

Why are you assuming this?

Yes he could he working 9-7 or similar, or could be doing 9-5 and then 9-11pm. Or he could be getting up and wfh 2 hours before the family.

Yes he could be but I’d be interested if @Positivity84 could comment on this. If his compressed working hours do shift the balance of responsibility to you then that’s a pertinent point.

I wouldn’t have a problem with setting up his work life to gain more leisure time but if that can only be done at my expense I’m afraid he’s have to go fuck himself.

Cornettoninja · 14/01/2022 10:05

*He’d

Livetolive · 14/01/2022 10:07

What was agreed would happen with after school childcare on fridays when you decided to go back to five days pw and he stated he would keep his compressed hours on a Friday?

PicaK · 14/01/2022 10:39

I'd do a print out of the week, and divide each day into two columns, 1 for each of you.
For each column use different colours to mark out the status quo on
1)the hours when you work,
2)when you do sole child care,
3) when you have sole free time
4)when you do child care together "family time"
5)when you have 1:1 time with each other "date night!"

I think you need to see it visually and tot the hours up. Because although he works Mon-Thurs he's still doing as many as you. Except yours are getting hindered.
Honestly I think his day off is really good well being - you should look for that too.
But child care needs to be split 50/50 as you both work.
And you may have to think about wrap around care. Is it really fair on your ds to try and work while he is at home? He deserves your full attention. He could be having fun with his friends.

Rno3gfr · 14/01/2022 10:43

I don’t think there’s any issue with him having Friday off but he should be doing school drop offs/collections and childcare after school time. He can have time to himself while the child is at school ffs!

TheKeatingFive · 14/01/2022 10:49

He can do what he likes when DS is in school, but should absolutely be responsible for drops offs, pick ups and wrap around.

I'm not sure how anyone could argue otherwise tbh.

sashagabadon · 14/01/2022 10:53

Take it in turns. So one Friday you do pick up, next Friday he does.
You’ve got years of school picks ups to do so get a fair system in place now.
Who does pick up Mon to Fri?

mrsm43s · 14/01/2022 11:23

Personally, I can't understand why you gave up your compressed hours. Surely the family would benefit from BOTH parents having some time to themselves?

I also don't consider one person finishing work earlier than the other and then spending time with their child as "childcare". In our family, that's just "life". We enjoy spending time with our children, and don't see it as some kind of chore to be shared out equally.

I do think you shouldn't be doing the school run and entertaining a child at the same time as you are trying to work, so I think he should do the drop offs and pick ups on his non working days, and spend time with his child until you finish work. But between 9-3, I don't see why he shouldn't use his non working days as he chooses.

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