Page 3 | DH has compressed hours but doesn't use time off for childcare

SarahAndQuack · 14/01/2022 11:54

@mrsm43s

Personally, I can't understand why you gave up your compressed hours. Surely the family would benefit from BOTH parents having some time to themselves?

I also don't consider one person finishing work earlier than the other and then spending time with their child as "childcare". In our family, that's just "life". We enjoy spending time with our children, and don't see it as some kind of chore to be shared out equally.

I do think you shouldn't be doing the school run and entertaining a child at the same time as you are trying to work, so I think he should do the drop offs and pick ups on his non working days, and spend time with his child until you finish work. But between 9-3, I don't see why he shouldn't use his non working days as he chooses.

How do her compressed hours mean she gets more time to herself?

You don't work fewer hours.

I'm sure it's purely accidental but you sound incredibly sanctimonious with that little lecture about how you enjoy your child's company. I'm sure the OP would love to enjoy her child's company too, but she has to work! It's not her who's seeing it as a chore - it's her lazy DH who's decided he won't bother.

mrsm43s · 14/01/2022 12:09

@SarahAndQuack

She'd have more time alone, to herself, if she had a Friday 9-3 to herself whilst her child is in school. She'd be swapping an hour or so of family time each early morning or evening for a chunk of time by herself during the school day, where she could have uninterrupted "me time".

And it was PPs saying that her DH owed her for "childcare" because he presumably works longer hours on his working days. I'm just saying that most people don't consider that as "childcare", it's just normal life and people don't generally see it as a chore to be split and shared (and in fairness OP hasn't said that at all). OP has, quite reasonably, said that she doesn't want to do the school runs and look after her child when she is supposed to be working, which I fully agree with.

A lot of posters on here seem to hate men, and think that life should be a race to the bottom, with no-one ever having any downtime. I don't think that's a healthy approach at all. I think this situation could be improved with BOTH parents having an opportunity for uninterrupted downtime.

Toanewstart22 · 14/01/2022 12:11

Drop a day! Monday to Thursday

SarahAndQuack · 14/01/2022 12:13

[quote mrsm43s]@SarahAndQuack

She'd have more time alone, to herself, if she had a Friday 9-3 to herself whilst her child is in school. She'd be swapping an hour or so of family time each early morning or evening for a chunk of time by herself during the school day, where she could have uninterrupted "me time".

And it was PPs saying that her DH owed her for "childcare" because he presumably works longer hours on his working days. I'm just saying that most people don't consider that as "childcare", it's just normal life and people don't generally see it as a chore to be split and shared (and in fairness OP hasn't said that at all). OP has, quite reasonably, said that she doesn't want to do the school runs and look after her child when she is supposed to be working, which I fully agree with.

A lot of posters on here seem to hate men, and think that life should be a race to the bottom, with no-one ever having any downtime. I don't think that's a healthy approach at all. I think this situation could be improved with BOTH parents having an opportunity for uninterrupted downtime.[/quote]
Would she necessarily have more time? Surely it depends on the set-up in the house.

Sorry I misread your post as having a go at the OP rather than her DH.

I don't think any of us hate men, though. I just think we need to know more clearly what the actual situation here is.

LakeShoreD · 14/01/2022 12:19

I don’t blame him for wanting to keep his compressed hours, I’d be the same, but drops, pick ups, wraparound and holiday childcare need to be on him for those days. That still gives him absolutely tons of me time so it’s ridiculous he’s pushing it and he’s really not very nice if he’s happy to see you juggling work with looking after DS whilst he swans off to the cinema.

Velvian · 14/01/2022 12:21

He would stall have most of the day free! He is being really unreasonable.

Mousetruffle · 14/01/2022 12:25

Hope you get it sorted OP.

My DH works compressed hours across four days and I work 5 days. He has two weekdays off. On those weekdays he does the school runs, picks the kids up and entertains them after school. Or as I bluntly put it, the kids are his problem on those days. What he does when the kids are in school in his business. He generally does the housework of his own vocation and I will always ask him to do stuff too.

I wouldn't be arsed about the child free time, but he should definitely be doing the child care out of school hours.

Viviennemary · 14/01/2022 12:28

I think as you are both working full time you need to take turns or arrange after school club or child minder.

RoseGoldEagle · 14/01/2022 12:36

Either he works Fridays too, and then ideally you split the drop offs and pick ups but if not possible whoever’s job allow does those. Or he doesn’t work on Friday and definitely does the drop off and pick up (while you work!) Don’t understand how he could possibly think what he was doing is ok?!

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/01/2022 12:38

I am presuming you can’t do compressed hours as you are caring for your ds whilst your dh works. The trade off to this is that your ds should look after your ds when you are working. You’re heavily disadvantaged here as far as I can make out as you’re facilitating his lifestyle.

HardbackWriter · 14/01/2022 12:39

I think he can spend 9-3 (which is an enviable chunk of time!) as he wants - he doesn't need to use it for chores, etc. - but he should be doing drop-off, pick-up and after school on those days. We both work four days a week - me by doing slightly reduced but mostly compressed hours, DH just straightforwardly works 4 days - and we both dream of what we'll do on that day once both DC are at school (a while off for us!) but it's never been on the table that the one not working that day wouldn't be responsible for everything outside school hours that day. I'd be really resentful in your situation, OP - I love the days where DH is off work, it's my best chance to really get stuck into my own work without having to have pick-up hanging over me, it's so nice to have one day a week where I just work without having to worry about the domestic stuff (I can see why so many men love having a SAHM wife - just working is so easy!). I'd be really cross if DH robbed me of that in the way yours has.

Autumnleaves4 · 14/01/2022 12:39

@Positivity84

We both worked compressed hours while our DS was at nursery. DH had first two Fridays off per month and I had remaining 2/3 Fridays off. It worked nicely and we looked after our DS on those days off.

DS started reception in September and I went full time. At the same time, DH decided to keep his Fridays off but use them for himself. Like if I'm not doing Friday childcare anymore than neither is he.

Anyway, this sounded ok to me at the time, but what this has meant on practice is that DH goes off to cinema / out on daytime adventure on 'his Fridays' and I do school collection, set DS up with some toys and finish my working day as early as I can. Wfh on Fridays so from that perspective is manageable.

I'm just not sure how me going full-time in September equated with him not having to use his Fridays off for childcare as he had done previously? We've just had an argument about tomorrow and I'm wondering if I'm looking at this the wrong way... not sure why it's coming up now!

Why did you not keep your Fridays as well? Why did you not agree this all beforehand. How did it seem ok at first that you work full time and he gets play days?

I think it’s good to have some child free time for both of you but not just for him. I think this is the real issue here.

tootiredtospeak · 14/01/2022 12:40

Seriously I am your husband in this scenario and I do drop off and pick up and only have the time to myself that they are at school. He is a dick

burnoutbabe · 14/01/2022 12:52

I would say that most cinemas now are only shoring films from 1pm onwards so if what he really wants to do is watch a new movie in peace, that can't really be done and be ready for 3pm pick up.

Just as you said that's what he wants to do with his free time. But maybe he could just go all pickups and go one evening post work instead.

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 14/01/2022 12:53

Let us know how the discussion goes OP 😊

LovelyMoans · 14/01/2022 12:56

Yanbu

But yabu generally if you are trying to wfh with your children there - excluding the friday when your DH is off (so should be picking up), you need wraparound care when you are working

sanbeiji · 14/01/2022 13:02

Your DH is a fucking twat. Sorry but this makes me so angry.
Men have a habit of being all 'tit for tat'. In their head they're doing so much work they 'deserve' me-time.
Women put the family first , and free time is what's left, if any.
Thoughtless and inconsiderate.

Unless you step in and say that he actually carries his fair share of the mental load he's a twat.

PP is right, make a chart, document eveyrtginf and then shove it in the face.

There was a poster on here whose 'D'H thought packing should take 5 mins. Meaning take all the clothes and put them into a bag.
Apparently there's a magical fairy that does the laundry, collects all the bits and bobs, and takes the luggage bag out. so easy!

Gonnagetgoing · 14/01/2022 13:05

@Chloemol

You are working, he is not

He drops off and picks up on the Fridays he is not working

Otherwise I would be telling him your child will have to do before and after school clubs, at his cost to allow you to work

@Chloemol. This.

Nanny0gg · 14/01/2022 13:10

@Normski67

I’m a bit confused. So you’re unhappy that you collect DS from school now on ‘your’ Fridays and look after him for how long after school? 2 hours? Or is it that DH has every Friday off and could pick him up but doesn’t? Or are you just jealous that he has a day off for himself? If it’s this, can you go compressed too?

She's still working!

Nanny0gg · 14/01/2022 13:11

@Positivity84

Ok, thanks everyone. These responses have gone in a pretty clear direction so far which is really helping me to stop second guessing myself and clarify my thoughts.

We have a very carefully balanced division of drop offs / collections throughout the week, except for these Fridays off...

Honestly I would just like to not have to worry about childcare on the two Fridays DH is off. I feel he should do the childcare on these days and I should have a straight forward working day. I'm not sure how his days off got reframed from childcare to 'me' days once reception started. I think initially I was happy he could have some hours to himself to pursue interests etc but the reality feels different. Think we will need to have a conversation tomorrow.

How will the holidays work?

Eddielzzard · 14/01/2022 13:13

Stop WFH on Fridays so he has to collect

StEval · 14/01/2022 13:17

@Positivity84

We both worked compressed hours while our DS was at nursery. DH had first two Fridays off per month and I had remaining 2/3 Fridays off. It worked nicely and we looked after our DS on those days off.

DS started reception in September and I went full time. At the same time, DH decided to keep his Fridays off but use them for himself. Like if I'm not doing Friday childcare anymore than neither is he.

Anyway, this sounded ok to me at the time, but what this has meant on practice is that DH goes off to cinema / out on daytime adventure on 'his Fridays' and I do school collection, set DS up with some toys and finish my working day as early as I can. Wfh on Fridays so from that perspective is manageable.

I'm just not sure how me going full-time in September equated with him not having to use his Fridays off for childcare as he had done previously? We've just had an argument about tomorrow and I'm wondering if I'm looking at this the wrong way... not sure why it's coming up now!

What!? Hes off on fridays and YOU are doing the drop off and pick ups and entertaining DC ? No! Hes taking the absolute fucking piss! I would go and work elsewhere, library, cafe from 8am and come back at 5pm.

thisplaceisweird · 14/01/2022 13:19

Honestly I would just like to not have to worry about childcare on the two Fridays DH is off. I feel he should do the childcare on these days and I should have a straight forward working day.

Yes, that sounds completely fair and reasonable.

You can't just 'take a day off for yourself' when you're a parent. Unless you both have one with the same rules. So offer that up, either he does childcare on Friday (and he still gets most of the day for himself which is a huge win), or you will be taking Saturday as your day and having a lovely time to yourself!

Lunde · 14/01/2022 13:20

@Normski67

I’m a bit confused. So you’re unhappy that you collect DS from school now on ‘your’ Fridays and look after him for how long after school? 2 hours? Or is it that DH has every Friday off and could pick him up but doesn’t? Or are you just jealous that he has a day off for himself? If it’s this, can you go compressed too?

Because OP is working on these Fridays and is having to juggle work with afterschool care at the same time - while her H is off having "me time"

I think that OP's H has to do drop offs and pick ups on his off days and can take the 6 hours in the middle as his "me time" as long as other household jobs are divided equally

ViceLikeBlip · 14/01/2022 13:21

We're your compressed hours not full time then? Why did you switch to regular hours but he stayed compressed? Are you now having to pick up more afternoon childcare/chores to cover for his longer working hours mon-thurs?

If he's just working extra hard in order to free up Fridays, then it seems fair to me that he gets to do whatever he wants on those days, but that he should be available once your child is back from school.