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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ban racist relative from my house?

81 replies

jazzchilli · 13/01/2022 01:05

I love my father in law and he is like a father to me. However, he has a wife that we can't stand. They've been together for about 18 years and she has drained his savings and is now trying to get hold of our money. When he had cancer, she did absolutely nothing for him, leaving it to their lovely neighbours and us, who live 170 miles away. But the main problem with her is...she's an aggressive racist.

Basically we avoid her as much as we can. Luckily, he always comes to stay with us on his own because we only have one spare room and she refuses to share a bed with him. Today however, he called to say she wants to come with him this time and he'll have to sleep on the floor. He's 78. I'm not comfortable with any adult guest sleeping on the floor in my house, it feels so wrong.

So...AIBU to ban her from the house. I don't think I shouldn't have to tolerate a racist in my house. In the 20 years we've known her she has shocked us with her racist comments every time we've seen her. She even makes comments outside deliberately so neighbours hear.

I feel that not standing up to people like this is unacceptable, especially now. I'm not going to keep quiet and listen to the venom she spouts, so there'll be a terrible row. I have challenged others in the past but it's been difficult to do so with her as I don't want to hurt my father in law. Although he moans about her constantly and is always relieved to get away, so I don't understand why he would inflict her on us!

My husband doesn't want to upset his dad but I think it will be worse if she does come. I would also be left on my own with her most of the day as my husband likes to take his dad out to pubs etc. Then, the three of us have a lovely time drinking and talking in the evening. When this woman is there conversation is limited - she's ignorant and uninformed - and my father in law is subdued.

My husband doesn't know what to do - I'm standing firm but he says that he would just put up with her for the sake of his dad. What do I do?

For additional context, she has been married at least four times before and I've been told that some of her previous husbands' children also hated her. She is literally the most toxic and selfish person I've ever known.

OP posts:

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 13/01/2022 01:08

How on earth is she trying to get your money?

Hawkins001 · 13/01/2022 01:09

What about a camping bed or a guest bed ?

MizzFizz · 13/01/2022 01:14

My first thought: Can you offer to put them up in a hotel with twin beds? Or split the cost of a hotel? Say it's on the grounds that you don't want someone sleeping on the floor, or even come up with a pretense. I wouldn't say anything about her not being welcome until she does/says something inappropriate (which sounds guaranteed), and then I would immediately let her know that her racism is not acceptable, and that it would probably be better that she doesn't come visit anymore. It's awkward, certainly. But I think it will be easier to set the boundary if she does something "recent" that you can call her on, if that makes sense? Otherwise people might say "oh forgive and forget, she's changed" etc.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/01/2022 01:16

How wonderful can your FIL be if he has chosen to share his life with a person like that?

Original poster

jazzchilli · 13/01/2022 01:18

@Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese

How on earth is she trying to get your money?

She wants to live in a park home - she says she's too good to rent. These need a £75k deposit and they have no money so she has tried to get us and my sister in law to take out the loan for them. Which they could never repay because they're retired! I have never seen her pay for so much as a drink, she freeloads off everyone else. She has literally no shame and will just ask for money.

OP posts:

Original poster

jazzchilli · 13/01/2022 01:20

@Hawkins001

What about a camping bed or a guest bed ?

He's said he'll bring a sleeping bag. But, he's recovering from oesophogeal cancer, it horrifies me that she would make him do that rather than share a bed with him.

OP posts:

Femisaurus · 13/01/2022 01:24

Yanbu. Also why on earth are they still together, it sounds like he's miserable

Original poster

jazzchilli · 13/01/2022 01:24

@MizzFizz

tbh I don't want to pay for her anymore...she's cost us enough in hotels when we went to visit them!

I genuinely don't know what will upset my FIL the most. Telling him the truth about how we feel about her in advance or a massive row that ends with me throwing her out. How do I even do that??

OP posts:

Original poster

jazzchilli · 13/01/2022 01:26

@Aquamarine1029

How wonderful can your FIL be if he has chosen to share his life with a person like that?

No he really is...I think he got divorced and was devastated by being on his own. So he just married the first person he met even though her own sister's family warned him that she was a gold digger who had seen off four husbands already!

OP posts:

Original poster

jazzchilli · 13/01/2022 01:29

@Femisaurus

Yanbu. Also why on earth are they still together, it sounds like he's miserable

Yes he complains about her constantly. He used to send her off on coach trips for a week but the pandemic put a stop to that.

He even volunteers to do long distance hospital patient journeys for the NHS just to get out of the house!

OP posts:

backtolifebacktoreality · 13/01/2022 01:31

I can't believe most of your responses are about where to put her up and to get a camping bed.

This post was about racism. Don't brush it under the carpet!!! If it's not called out each and every time then it will continue.

Ozanj · 13/01/2022 01:33

Ban her and don’t let anyone talk you out of it.

oncemoreunto · 13/01/2022 01:34

You need to buy a decent inflatable and the either you give your guests your bed and sleep on it or you give it to them.

Get a good inflatable for your dad if he has been poorly, they can be very comfortable.

backtolifebacktoreality · 13/01/2022 01:35

Check this out ...

Bussinbussin · 13/01/2022 01:43

@oncemoreunto

You need to buy a decent inflatable and the either you give your guests your bed and sleep on it or you give it to them.

Get a good inflatable for your dad if he has been poorly, they can be very comfortable.

How does that relate to the OP's question?

OP of course you can say you don't want her there. Sounds like your FIL will be relieved to have a break from her.

Original poster

jazzchilli · 13/01/2022 01:54

@backtolifebacktoreality

I can't believe most of your responses are about where to put her up and to get a camping bed.

This post was about racism. Don't brush it under the carpet!!! If it's not called out each and every time then it will continue.

This is how I feel. I don’t want to feel complicit in allowing this kind of hate to continue. My generation - school in 80s and 90s - weren’t taught to challenge racism and that was so wrong.

OP posts:

oncemoreunto · 13/01/2022 01:59

If she was the only the adult in the house she could ban who she likes.
Her post suggested that the person she shares a house with didn't want the person banned.

Possibly her DH will suck up the obnoxious partner to keep his dad happy? It is also his house.

Most family life is murky grey and complicated.
The key issue to me seemed to be to ensure a poorly 80 year old is comfortable

And let DH spend stress free time with his dad, it doesn't sound like the wife will change regardless of what OP does and how long will DH have with his dad?

1forAll74 · 13/01/2022 02:00

Well this woman has been banning some things herself over the years, so I would have no qualms about banning her from your home, and disrupting everything around her.. She must be aware that people find her very unpleasant to be around. You have a right, to just organise your Fil's comfort when he visits,and not hers, with all the upsets she causes.

needmoreshinys · 13/01/2022 02:01

I genuinely don't know what will upset my FIL the most. Telling him the truth about how we feel about her in advance

This is what you have said in your one of your replies, I would say you have been complicit if he doesn't know why you dislike her, but as she is 170 miles away you have done an our of sight out of mind trick, now when she is being forced into your world, is the time you have decided not to be complicit in it.

I was also in the school in the 80s and 90s and we were certainly taught to challenge it,

Just tell him no and tell him why

needmoreshinys · 13/01/2022 02:02

And if your partner still insists, you can insist that he takes her with them

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 13/01/2022 02:07

I think that if your DFiL wouldn't come without her (as she has presumably said that she wants to come), then you need to let her come along too. If you can afford it can you buy one of those very realistic looking blow up beds for your DFiL to sleep on in the lounge?

Then to the important bit, before they get there can you and your DH find out as much as possible about what different living facilities there are that he could/would be agreeable to moving to, on his own (preferably near you if he would be willing to move areas)? Maybe something like a sheltered bungalow or flat, or if necessary for his health needs, a residential home? I say this because he needs to be convinced that he should leave her. At the moment he seems to either be scared of her, or scared of his ability to live without her, or maybe a bit of both. If you and/or your DH can convince him that he will have both your emotional, and physical support where possible if he leaves her and moves near you, he may find it easier to leave her? You or your DH could maybe offer to take him to do his food shopping, and maybe arrange for him to have a cleaner in for a couple of hours every week. Your DH (and you) could perhaps arrange to take him out for a pub lunch once a week. If you both tell him your hopes for his future it may let him see that he could actually have a better life without her in it!

If during their visit she starts pouring out her bile, then do tell her that you won't have her speaking like that in your house, so either she stops and apologizes now, or she leaves your house, as you won't put up with that kind of vile behaviour in your own home.
Good luck OP to both you and your DH in getting this nasty woman out of your DFiL's life.

HikingforScenery · 13/01/2022 02:15

Sounds like your fil will be relieved for someone to have the balls to say no to her because he doesn’t.

You can easily identify those who encourage racism, at the very least, passively. That attitude is one of the main reasons why it’ll be difficult to end racism.

Well done to you OP for not being one of those people. It’s reassuring

Original poster

jazzchilli · 13/01/2022 02:24

@needmoreshinys

I genuinely don't know what will upset my FIL the most. Telling him the truth about how we feel about her in advance

I was also in the school in the 80s and 90s and we were certainly taught to challenge it,

Just tell him no and tell him why

Perhaps the blame is actually with my parents- I was threatened with consequences many times when I was about to challenge a racist. I don’t recall school offering any support. and when I asked my mum for advice she said ‘oh, you can’t ban her from the house just for being racist’. I honestly don’t think that generation get it, at all.

I’ve always been scared of ruining the relationship between my husband and his dad if I said anything. I’ve been made to feei like it’s not my place. So yes I haven’t dealt with it but now I have to.

We were hopeful they would split a few years ago… but he eventually decided he didn’t want to be on his own.

OP posts:

oncemoreunto · 13/01/2022 03:23

Actually thinking about this a little more, you shouldn't be buying beds.
But your DH is he wants he DF and wife to stay should be sorting this out.
It isn't your job, you could always go away for the weekend and avoid the person altogether.

Clumsyvolcano · 13/01/2022 03:36

It’s YOUR house!

You are perfectly entitled to not have anyone you don’t want in your own house. Ban her. You don’t even have to explain yourself, but I think I’d tell her it’s because she’s a vile, racist cow and you find her insufferable and she’s cheeky and grabby to boot.

All those suggesting that you pander to her and get a guest bed? Sod that, someone like that wouldn’t be coming within 6 foot of my front door, never mind sleeping in my house!

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