Thank you everyone so much for all of this - even (or maybe especially!) those who don't agree with things I've said. It's such a relief to get different views after going round in circles on this issue with my husband for years. It's literally the only thing we've ever really argued about.
Just to answer on some of the comments with some more context, sorry if I miss anything! I've read and take on board everything that's been said while I was waiting for my physio appointment. Sorry it's going to be a long one...
As far as the bed situation - I wouldn't be willing to give my bed up for a racist anyway, but I'm recovering from a shoulder op so it's out of the question really. I don't think the bed is the issue though, if she was nice, or god even vaguely tolerable, we would be happy to accommodate her however we could. The bed situation has been our way of avoiding her staying. I have said to my husband that I would go away for the weekend but he says that would be too obvious that I hate her. I really don't care...I have actually avoided going with my husband to visit them for a few years now, but obviously now she's attempting to ambush me in my own home.
We moved just before COVID and had to ensure that we arranged the house so it wasn't possible to have more than one spare room, as in the past they have had to stay with relatives for months on end. When my FIL came with us to see our new house before we moved in he actually looked at one room with an ensuite and said 'Yes XXXX will have that room, it's got a full shower, not a bath, that's what she prefers.' I promptly made it my dressing room with fitted wardrobes and enough furniture to exclude a bed, but he pokes his head in there every time! Maybe she is determined to examine the house to see if we're lying about having only one spare room...
@Suzanne999 I'm so stupid...I hadn't even thought that the reason she's suddenly insisting on visiting was to make another pitch for money! My FIL has mentioned to my husband that she gets upset that we don't send her presents on Mother's Day and her birthday etc.They are having problems with the house they're renting as well so she may be gearing up to insist that someone (us, my sister in law) buys her a house (again). She forced him to move there from another area he really loved, the first thing he talks about every time we speak is how much he misses the old house and his neighbours.
When he was forced to move we did finally ask him whether he was happy with her or wanted to split. He pays for everything anyway as she has no pension (so she says) so it would actually have been cheaper for him to stay there on his own. As far as we can tell there was a big fight but the next day he panicked about being on his own and gave in - which included moving away and handing over his savings so she could redecorate the new house. When she buys anything he gives her cash but then he says she just uses his credit card for it and pockets the cash! I have no idea how he affords to give her all this money, he only has his pension.
Last time he was here, he did start, unprompted, to explore whether he would like to live near us in a retirement flat after she was gone. We have made it very clear that we would be there for him, and that we want him to be closer. I've stated in no uncertain terms, when he talks about their disagreements on their living situation, that we support what is best for him, and that what he wants is valid and important. Because I don't think he believes that, he just says 'happy wife, happy life' as if he doesn't matter. I hate this because any other woman would be thrilled to be with him - he's intelligent, has lots of stories from his past careers, can cook, is kind and loves technology and keeps up to date with everything. Yet he's ended up with this awful woman out of fear of being alone.
On the school/racism thing. Perhaps my location was key here - plus I was a brat at school and maybe wasn't paying enough attention. It wasn't particularly diverse, but it seemed very inclusive at the time. Now, I feel stupid for believing that. I was suppressed a lot by my parents for having 'too many opinions' so no chance of guidance there. Still get that from my mum when she doesn't like what I have to say, but on racism she has now at least admitted that I was right.
Overall, my husband completely agrees - although she often, weirdly, targets me when I'm on my own to start airing her vile opinions and questions me about who I associate with. And never likes the answer. There is a big issue for me that our new neighbours who just moved in are Asian and our other neighbours are black. At our old house, right after we moved in she made racist comments that our old neighbours heard, who were Asian. They were so lovely that they never mentioned it at all and we ended up being very close. I know that wasn't the right thing and I should have acknowleged it and apologised, but was struggling with depression at the time and didn't feel up to tackling it as I might have cried and made it even more awkward! I'm not being put in that situation again and none of our existing neighbours should be.
My ultimate concern, as many have identified, is that my husband gets to spend as much time with his dad as possible. And I want to too, we're very close, he calls me his daughter and I call him dad. We have lots to talk about and as with my husband, that's not possible when the racist witch is there and she shuts down any plans we try to make, and sulks when she can't join in the conversation because she's so ignorant.
My husband knows I'm posting about this to get advice. He's weighing up how valid my concerns are and whether I have the right to ban her from the house. He is an amazing person and finds a way to rise above it, I suppose, even though he despises her. I hate causing him extra stress - his work provides plenty - but equally I don't see how this can carry on and we can feel good about ourselves. Left to him, he would suffer in silence if that was what his dad wanted. It definitely isn't - he loves coming here to get away from her!
I honestly don't know what is worse.
- Her coming and there being a massive row, one way or another.
- Finally making it clear we want nothing to do with her, and they don't come. Which will obviously also have repercussions with my sister in law and her family, who will get dragged into it. They don't like her but they have kids and so every contact revolves around them and they have less time to worry about other issues. My lovely niece is a bit of a handful and prone to tantrums...the racist witch is completely intolerant and has left their house when she went off on one, a few years ago. I think my niece might have kicked her
So there is already negativity there, I don't know if she has seen them since.
- I suppose my only other option is to go away for the weekend. Make my husband pay for a spa, read books in a jacuzzi, drain the minibar? But does this make me complicit again? I REALLY don't want to be that person. Does me refusing to be in the house with her make enough of a stand against her racism?
Massive apologies for the long rant...