To ban racist relative from my house?

[jazzchilli]

I love my father in law and he is like a father to me. However, he has a wife that we can't stand. They've been together for about 18 years and she has drained his savings and is now trying to get hold of our money. When he had cancer, she did absolutely nothing for him, leaving it to their lovely neighbours and us, who live 170 miles away. But the main problem with her is...she's an aggressive racist.

Basically we avoid her as much as we can. Luckily, he always comes to stay with us on his own because we only have one spare room and she refuses to share a bed with him. Today however, he called to say she wants to come with him this time and he'll have to sleep on the floor. He's 78. I'm not comfortable with any adult guest sleeping on the floor in my house, it feels so wrong.

So...AIBU to ban her from the house. I don't think I shouldn't have to tolerate a racist in my house. In the 20 years we've known her she has shocked us with her racist comments every time we've seen her. She even makes comments outside deliberately so neighbours hear.

I feel that not standing up to people like this is unacceptable, especially now. I'm not going to keep quiet and listen to the venom she spouts, so there'll be a terrible row. I have challenged others in the past but it's been difficult to do so with her as I don't want to hurt my father in law. Although he moans about her constantly and is always relieved to get away, so I don't understand why he would inflict her on us!

My husband doesn't want to upset his dad but I think it will be worse if she does come. I would also be left on my own with her most of the day as my husband likes to take his dad out to pubs etc. Then, the three of us have a lovely time drinking and talking in the evening. When this woman is there conversation is limited - she's ignorant and uninformed - and my father in law is subdued.

My husband doesn't know what to do - I'm standing firm but he says that he would just put up with her for the sake of his dad. What do I do?

For additional context, she has been married at least four times before and I've been told that some of her previous husbands' children also hated her. She is literally the most toxic and selfish person I've ever known.

backtolifebacktoreality

‘I can't believe most of your responses are about where to put her up and to get a camping bed.

This post was about racism. Don't brush it under the carpet!!! If it's not called out each and every time then it will continue.’

^This.

I initially attempted to respond not long after this thread was created in the early hours but fell asleep.

Most of the initial posters who responded totally ignored the question, which is directly about racism. These are examples of micro aggression.
Imagine titling a post:
‘To ban racist relative from my house?
And the first four/five posters respond referencing money, hotels and blow up beds whilst deliberately ignoring the racism! This is exactly why racism exists!

OP - is your FIL also racist?
I assume he ignores his awful Wife’s racist views like you and your DH.

Your FIL is clearly being emotionally and financially abused. It‘s clearly coercive control.
If both you and your DH really felt that racism was unacceptable, either you and your DH would have challenged her racist views a long time ago and wouldn’t be having ongoing disagreements about it and would not have to consult the views of strangers on MN in order to make a decision.
Her prepared to have FIL sleep on the floor at his age and whilst recovering from Cancer is disgusting and cruel. The woman is just vile. She’d be banned from stepping foot in my home without the racism part. You’d do best to help him get him set up in a retirement home closer to where you live without the this awful gold digging witch ASAP.

I attended school in London in the 80’s & 90’s and racism was not ignored in school. If a child’s parents are racist/ignorant/uneducated, it is likely that the child will turn out the same. Do not allow racist behaviour to go unchecked or you are just as bad/complicit. You are condoning it by not saying anything/letting it pass.

Respecting your elders and not checking them regarding their ignorant views doesn’t mean shit when their behaviour is abhorrent.
I have an older family member who spouts racist, colourist, sexist, homophobic and other inappropriate things on a WhatsApp group and I call them out on it each and every single time, whilst also educating them with the facts/correct history. I and others suspect they have an undiagnosed condition but that is damn sure not an excuse to ignore it. Some younger family members have also started to challenge them too. Other youngsters who do not feel comfortable directly challenging this elder out of respect have left the WhatsApp group in disgust, which is also a response in itself.

@PurpleMauve I accept everything you've said. I promise you that my husband and I have never stayed quiet on racism in any other situation, but yes we are guilty of not challenging this particular person in order to keep the family peace. I have been silenced for years in order not to upset my FIL. She definitely doesn't have an undiagnosed condition...she also bothers her GP with imaginary illnesses and they send her away every time, so my FIL tells me. So I expect they have explored her mental health at some point.

@Suzanne999 She avoided paying any NI (maybe tax as well) so has no contributions. I think she only worked in between husbands anyway.

I have expressed my opinions on her scrounging and questioned why she didn't look after him when he was ill but not the racism as I think he would just make excuses. He is definitely not racist but since he's been with her, my husband says he's become less open minded. I think that my FIL is deliberately not hearing that we don't like her, so I can't be sure what he thinks. He moans about her constantly and then the next minute is trying to get us to say hello to her on the phone.

@Thethreecs This is my biggest concern. I think she will refuse to let him come without her once she finally has it confirmed that she's not welcome. Many times the family have made arrangements with him and if they didn't suit her she banned him from coming.

My husband is first going to try to dissuade him from bringing her by saying that maybe he's being selfish but he just wants to spend time with his dad on his own. If he insists that she comes and I look after her, we either have the difficult conversation or I go away for the weekend. If he does come by himself, we obviously have to have the conversation so this is settled once and for all.

At the moment I'm leaning towards leaving for the weekend. I would prefer to address the issue but I also know that if everything blows up I will be blamed, not her racism and general abhorrence. I don't think my husband has the appetite for the fallout and I don't think my sister in law has the energy.

Everyone who has said the racism is a red herring - you're right! The other issues should be enough but there's always the possibility I would just be accused of being mean. Instead of challenging her directly I've always just stated that I don't agree or changed the subject. I think early on I used to just walk off and pretend I didn't hear her. I was quite young then, and it was usually in their house. It's very difficult to take a stand like that if you're a newcomer and you don't think anyone else will support you.

@Valeriekat

"My generation - school in 80s and 90s - weren’t taught to challenge racism" Really? I went to school in the 60s and 70s and racism was totally challenged although perhaps not as aggressively as today. I did go to a religious school though. She sounds abusive, is he trying to leave her?

I went to school between 1963 and 1975, I did not hear the words racist or racism used once in school. None of our lessons ever mentioned different races, except for R.E. where we were obviously taught about the Jews and the Palenstines, and the Egyptians - that is how they were referred to in those days. We did not study any different religions than Christianity, and only about the beliefs of the Church of England. In secondary school I met my first RC friend, and my first Jewish friend.

At home it was worse. My Dad admitted to being racist for as long as I can remember. He said he would not be happy if people of colour moved next door to us (his terminology might have been slightly different), that I was never to marry a person of colour and that having a mixed race child (again different terminology) would be a disaster for the child as well as us. I know that from as far back as my memory goes, so at least to 7 years old, that I argued with him about it, and as soon as I could express myself properly I asked him if he actually thought a person with a different colour skin was an inferior human being, and he admitted that he did! I couldn't believe that he thought God would also think that people of colour were less important than us, but he did.

I never agreed with him, I would argue with him about it throughout the years (he was also a misogynist - although I only realised that a lot later - and, not surprisingly I suppose, he was also homophobic). Although I think far too many of his views were vile, and although my childhood was mainly horrible and scary, and although I think he treated my Dear Mum appallingly (as far as I know he was never physically violent - except for slapping me around the face once when I was 13) his scarcely hidden threats of how he was taught during the war to kill people with no weapons certainly terrified me when I was a child, but I never went low or no contact with him. That was for two reasons, my DM didn't divorce him until after I had been married and had children of my own, and I would never have gone NC whilst she was still living with him, and the other reason was because from a very young age I felt very sorry for him. I can't explain why here as it would be very outing, but he had an awful childhood himself. I also think that he had a severe mental illness that was never diagnosed, maybe because he had a very bright academic brain. An example of that is a way he would fall asleep at night, he would go over in his head the exact way to work out the formula for a quadratic equation - he obviously already knew the formula, but he could work out why it was what it was. Looking back I can tell that in some ways he actually had very low self esteem.

I am sorry, I seem to have gone off on a tangent a bit, I suppose I just wanted to show that 'in the old days' we weren't all taught about racism at school, but also despite our parents beliefs (my DM never really shared hers) we can think differently, even when quite small. Lastly, I wanted to point out to the OP that not all of the older generations are inherently racist. None of my friends or family in my age range are racist or homophobic.

I started school in 1959 and I don't think we were taught the word 'racism' at that time but definitely that people of differing coloured skin and origins were equal. My first school, in Harrow, was very racially diverse with many recent arrivals to the country. Looking back, as a teacher, I remember the teachers going out of their way to welcome these children. Although my parents were white British I was born abroad and included myself among the children who were 'born in another country', despite the difference in skin colour.

Just to clarify, I haven't said at any point that I think everyone of an older generation is racist. My personal experiences of racism have been with older people, however, and I feel ill equipped to deal with them as a result of my upbringing. As a 45 year old, my guidance at school was obviously not as comprehensive or nuanced as children of school age might receive now. And it does seem that others my age, or even older, had different guidance at school - that's great, unfortunately I feel mine was theoretical rather than practical.

Hence my problem in dealing with this toxic older woman. Which is also partly because I hear a lot of excuses as to why some older people hold on to their views or are just making comments that are 'naive', and I am absolutely certain that these (in any case) invalid excuses do not apply to this horrible person.

@jazzchilli
I appreciate your response.

So, you’d rather be forced leave your own home for the weekend than put your head above the parapet and speak your truth. IMO, this is no way to live. Are you going go away for the weekend every time?

Why would you be worried about being blamed when you and the people involved know you have done absolutely nothing wrong?

These are questions you need to ask yourself. I understand that people have different personalities and some do not like confrontation, but when things get to a point such as this something has to be said/done. Otherwise, it will just continue and get worse whilst you and your DH stand by and watch your FIL being subjected to the abuse. You will continue to be enablers for this woman’s evil behaviour. You know why this woman is on her 4th marriage and her own family member tried to warn you all!
If you and your DH have any conviction or genuine concern for your FIL which has not been lessened by any selfishness on the part of you and your DH, get a backbone and confront this awful woman.

You really do not care about racism if you won’t confront her. You most probably don’t see racism as your problem, as you are not a POC and, therefore, it does not have a negative effect on your life circumstances, choices or the lives any children/grandchildren you have or may have.

Continue to turn a blind eye to this and you’ll never be considered anti-racist.
You can say whatever you want on here, but only you and your DH will know whether you did the right thing.

Attitudes and opinions change over time (decades & centuries), so people alive now should not be blamed for the actions of their ancestors/predecessors. People can simply prove this by being on the right side of history now. This applies to all types of ism’s and abuse, not just racism.