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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ban racist relative from my house?

81 replies

jazzchilli · 13/01/2022 01:05

I love my father in law and he is like a father to me. However, he has a wife that we can't stand. They've been together for about 18 years and she has drained his savings and is now trying to get hold of our money. When he had cancer, she did absolutely nothing for him, leaving it to their lovely neighbours and us, who live 170 miles away. But the main problem with her is...she's an aggressive racist.

Basically we avoid her as much as we can. Luckily, he always comes to stay with us on his own because we only have one spare room and she refuses to share a bed with him. Today however, he called to say she wants to come with him this time and he'll have to sleep on the floor. He's 78. I'm not comfortable with any adult guest sleeping on the floor in my house, it feels so wrong.

So...AIBU to ban her from the house. I don't think I shouldn't have to tolerate a racist in my house. In the 20 years we've known her she has shocked us with her racist comments every time we've seen her. She even makes comments outside deliberately so neighbours hear.

I feel that not standing up to people like this is unacceptable, especially now. I'm not going to keep quiet and listen to the venom she spouts, so there'll be a terrible row. I have challenged others in the past but it's been difficult to do so with her as I don't want to hurt my father in law. Although he moans about her constantly and is always relieved to get away, so I don't understand why he would inflict her on us!

My husband doesn't want to upset his dad but I think it will be worse if she does come. I would also be left on my own with her most of the day as my husband likes to take his dad out to pubs etc. Then, the three of us have a lovely time drinking and talking in the evening. When this woman is there conversation is limited - she's ignorant and uninformed - and my father in law is subdued.

My husband doesn't know what to do - I'm standing firm but he says that he would just put up with her for the sake of his dad. What do I do?

For additional context, she has been married at least four times before and I've been told that some of her previous husbands' children also hated her. She is literally the most toxic and selfish person I've ever known.

OP posts:

Malariahilaria · 13/01/2022 03:51

Your home should be your haven and safe space. If you do not want a vile racist in your home just say no thank you. My fil is racist, he isn't welcome to stay here any longer.

RedHelenB · 13/01/2022 08:31

He's old and your husband s father. If her not coming means your fil won't I'd either suck it up or go elsewhere for the visit

CaptainMyCaptain · 13/01/2022 08:46

his is how I feel. I don’t want to feel complicit in allowing this kind of hate to continue. My generation - school in 80s and 90s - weren’t taught to challenge racism and that was so wrong.

I was teaching during this time and we absolutely were challenging racism. I'm sorry this didn't happen at your school but it wasn't acceptable then and it isn't acceptable now. I wouldn't have the woman in the house. I also wouldn't give her any money or let your Dad sleep on the floor.

Howshouldibehave · 13/01/2022 08:51

he says that he would just put up with her for the sake of his dad

In that case, he can’t do this…

my husband likes to take his dad out to pubs etc

Have you asked your husband what he thinks the weekend would look like if she comes? Is he prepared to stay at home all the time as you WON’T be left with her.

Darbs76 · 13/01/2022 08:57

Just say no you’re not comfortable with anyone sleeping on the floor. They’d have to pay for a guesthouse if they both come

Elodeastar · 13/01/2022 09:03

I think this is so hard on you OP.
The person, as you describe them, doesn't sound nice at all, and I wouldn't want them in my house either. Racism isn't acceptable, and neither is treating relatives like a money tree. You have to tell your FIL, as tactfully as possible, that he is welcome to come and stay any time he likes but she is not welcome. That might upset him, but surely he is aware what 'type' of person she is anyway? If DP complains then point out how you would basically be the one left with the burden of entertaining her/spending time with her, while he enjoys time with his dad. You don't have to let anyone visit/stay with you who makes you feel this uncomfortable. It won't be easy conversations though, not sure there is any way round that.

Hoppinggreen · 13/01/2022 09:04

If you decide to let her come (I wouldn’t) tell your H you are not hosting her on your own and if he goes out with his Dad you are either going with them or they have to take her with them

lucillelarusso · 13/01/2022 09:46

I am absolutely shocked that pp think you should tolerate this or even pay for her to stay in a fucking hotel! I'd tell him straight that you love him and want to support him but will not tolerate her in your home. Tell him you think she is a racist and is financially abusive. Maybe it will damage your relationship, maybe it will set him free and he'll divorce her! But I would not have it on my conscience to have her in my home under any circumstances.

Skeumorph · 13/01/2022 09:54

The choice you do have is not to see her. And you can be clear to your DH that you will not host her or want to see her at all.

Being a nice person who does not want to get in the way of your DH and FIL's relationship and who also does not want to see a 78 year old poorly person sleep on the floor, you will therefore go away for the weekend, if neither of them want to rock the boat. Then FIL can have your room, horrid woman the spare, your DH can go on the sofa.

What's that, DH? You don't want to have to entertain her all weekend and not spend proper time with your dad, you don't want her coming out with you and you having to do the hosting for both?

Ah so what you actually mean when you say 'you'd just put up with her for the sake of your dad' is that I should put up with her, I should absorb all that difficulty while you just pretty much have the same kind of visit as usual, taking dad out and doing your stuff?

Nope...

Suzanne999 · 13/01/2022 09:59

Maybe I’m odd but I’d have her there just to shut her down every time she opened her mouth.
Anything with a hint of racism she wouldn’t even get to the end of the sentence. I’d talk firmly over her with we don’t have any racist talk in this house. ( or similar sentence) . Each and every time she started I’d repeat the same sentence, nothing more. It really freaks people out. They try to argue, you repeat the same sentence. Don’t get into any discussions with her over her views, that’s what she wants.
I’d think of another one to counteract any question of borrowing money from you ( maybe that’s why she wants to visit?) and do the same thing.

LookItsMeAgain · 13/01/2022 10:05

My advice is to welcome your Fil. Ahead of any visit, tell him that he is most welcome but she is not. If he asks why, tell him. Don't skirt around it. She is racist and she must be called out on it every time.
If he wants to continue visiting, he is most welcome to stay with you. She can find alternative accommodation (which shouldn't be any skin off her nose because she doesn't appear to share a bed with her husband anyway when she has stayed in the past).
Please don't put up with her behaviour. She sounds truly dreadful. Shockingly dreadful!

Snorkmaidenn · 13/01/2022 10:11

How about you mention to her that you are having your new friends of colour over and they will be cooking, so it's best she doesn't attend.
I couldn't handle the racism , so lying is nothing in comparison.

jeaux90 · 13/01/2022 10:13

My grandfathers wife was racist. We used to shut her down every time she said anything.

Question is whether you want to deal with it or whether you want to avoid.

I absolutely don't blame you for not wanting her around, she sounds vile. I hope that your FIL will still come if she's banned, and whether she will make his life even more hellish.

ErrolTheDragon · 13/01/2022 10:17

I wouldn't want a racist in my house.
I wouldn't want someone who'd drained a relative of their savings.
I wouldn't want someone who expected a 78yo who is recovering from cancer to sleep on the floor. Wtf?

Frankly it sounds as though your FIL is in an abusive relationship. The difficulty is that it makes it extremely important that she doesn't drive a wedge between you/your DH and your FIL.

neonpaws · 13/01/2022 10:20

I think there are three factors you need to think about here, in order of importance:

Your DH being able to spend time with his father.
MIL's racism
Your FIL's comfort.

Before I get flamed, your comfort is obviously important too but only you can decide where to place it on this list.
I agree with PPs that a conversation needs to happen with FIL to tell him that racist views will not be tolerated in your house and MIL will be asked to leave if she expresses them. I would make that clear up front.
I would also be unhappy that she expected an elderly man to sleep on the floor, so would tell FIL that he is getting the bed and that MIL will have to have the floor. FIL can then work out whether or not he will be happier at yours without her, or whether he is prepared to deal with any fall-out from her behaviour.
If point 1 overrides everything else then personally I couldn't stop DH seeing his father but I would be spending as little time with them as possible.

SlidingInto2022sDMs · 13/01/2022 10:23

If your husband doesn't mind her coming, then he shouldn't leave her with you ever! I'd not let an unrepentant unpleasant person whom I have to take care of into my home. Why should I?

YANBU. If your husband won't let her tag along each time he's out with his dad, I'd tell your father in law that you only have space for him to stay, not his wife.

StrifeOfBath · 13/01/2022 10:24

I honestly don’t think that generation get it, at all

It isn’t the generation. Please don’t generalise like that.

I would get your DH to say ‘Dad, why are you suggesting she comes? We are not comfortable with you sleeping in the floor as our guest. And it won’t come as a surprise to you that as you spend time avoiding her, we don’t want to spend time listening to her racist venom. We love to see you, but it is not acceptable for you to sleep on the floor, and if she does come, we will not listen to her racism without telling her what we think’.

magicstars · 13/01/2022 10:25

Definitely don't let your dh think it's ok for him to have a lovely time with his dad, leaving you to entertain this woman.
If she does come, you are not responsible for babysitting her!
Could you tell your FiL that you'd like to meet somewhere half way & see them both for a day out somewhere instead?

BliainNua · 13/01/2022 10:26

This sounds so hard OP. Not just her vile racist views, but also the way she treats your FiL.
If you said no to her, would your FiL come anyway? Would he be secretly delighted that he was getting away from her?
Is there any way to talk to your FiL about her and how she treats him, and others, and tell him it's not acceptable and he doesn't have to stay with her?

StrifeOfBath · 13/01/2022 10:28

Family can be complicated. If I had a racist relative I wouldn’t ban them (unless they launched a personal attack or insult on a member of our family, friend or neighbour) but I would challenge, challenge, challenge every single comment.

And no way would DH be disappearing to the pub with FIL leaving her with me!!! This is another thing your DH needs to say to his Dad in advance.

SeeMyLanyardAndWeepBitch · 13/01/2022 10:35

I think the racism thing is a red herring here. You've listed loads of reasons you don't like her and they are enough. Tell her she can't come because you won't make FIL sleep on the floor. If she says she'll sleep on the floor then just say 'I think it's best if you don't come.' And leave it at that.

I won't spend time with my mother's partner for similar reasons - he's an arrogant windbag who is also a racist. But I'd be a liar if I didn't already have issues with him before I discovered this. It's just given me extra ammunition to be able to tell my mother I won't be around him at all, instead of having to admit I didn't want to be around him to start with.

Trinidading3 · 13/01/2022 10:50

Be honest with your FIL tell him she's a racist and she is not welcome in your house, he knows she's racist it won't be a shock to him....then tell her so she knows and whatever happens, happens.....well done for standing up to her and you might not realise this but it's a great thing you're doing...stand strong and speak out you know it's the right thing......all the racist comments she says you and the family should not have to hear or put up with! Who does she think she is? Well done in advance[flowers

Pbbananabagel · 13/01/2022 11:15

@jazzchilli I really feel for you here and absolutely agree you should ban her from the house. I do however (as a child of the 80’s/90’s school system) disagree with your point about our generation not being taught to challenge racism. It really depends on where you grew up, I’m from London and challenging racism and sexism were really big principals that all my schools focused on.

SlidingInto2022sDMs · 13/01/2022 11:21

Do your FIL and DH not realise she's racist? I'm wondering why you have to tell them, can't they see it for themselves and what have they said about it?

backtolifebacktoreality · 13/01/2022 11:32

@Darbs76

Just say no you’re not comfortable with anyone sleeping on the floor. They’d have to pay for a guesthouse if they both come

No!!!!!

Say you're not comfortable with a racist in your house!!!!

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