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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stag do- unreasonable?

82 replies

Louisa3 · 11/01/2022 23:08

Hi,

I just need some help in if I’m being unreasonable to try to suggest My other half is an usher for one of his best friends this year and they’re just organising the stag do.

The stag will be somewhere abroad in the summer for 4 days, costing about £500. My OH is self employed and so will loose out on a full weeks pay to go on the holiday as the groom is booking it mon-fri to save money 🙄.
All in all this stag holiday is going to cost near enough £1600 (with the cost of the holiday, lost earnings and spending money). This means we wave goodbye to any hopes of a holiday this year. We’ve never been able to go on a proper holiday together yet only 4 days in Devon and a few local weekends away so I’m a bit miffed that we’re having to spend so much for them to go away to be honest while I won’t get to spend any time with OH this year as we just can’t afford for him to take any other time off in a block and book a holiday. It also doesn’t help the wedding is mid week and not local so it’s another 2 days off to attend the wedding + a hotel which again is going to cost a lot of money when you factor in a gift, drinks etc as well.

OH has said that really none of the rest of the stag party can afford to go and that the groom is just going to pay the balance and they repay him which I think is a bit of a bad move. We can afford to pay it upfront (just) but not comfortably without meaning we can just about cover our bills.

We’ve got our own wedding to pay for next year so the only chance we’d get to go away together is the end of next year or into 2024 for a honeymoon. Am I being unreasonable for being upset about this? We booked our wedding for a Saturday to try to cause as little disruption for people with work as possible and I have asked OH to really think about his stag next year and not put people in the same position we’ve been put in in regards to money and feeling your obligation to go.

OP posts:
Teacupsandtoast · 11/01/2022 23:14

Why are none of them growing a set of balls and telling the groom it's a ridiculous idea that none of them can afford?

coodawoodashooda · 11/01/2022 23:16

@Teacupsandtoast

Why are none of them growing a set of balls and telling the groom it's a ridiculous idea that none of them can afford?
Yeah. Just say you can't affect it.
LawnFever · 11/01/2022 23:19

If none of them can afford it then it’s bonkers, they need to tell the groom it’s too much & him paying and them all paying him back is ridiculous.

Luredbyapomegranate · 11/01/2022 23:36

It’s crazy.

Either this guy is a groomzilla, or he hasn’t thought it through.

Your DP just needs to say he’d love to come but it’s way behind his budget, but really looking forward to the wedding. If the groom pushes, he can clarify it would mean no family holiday, so it’s just impossible.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/01/2022 23:40

Your DH needs to say he can’t go, the sooner the better.

It’s ridiculous to put the whole family in this position.

Blossom64265 · 11/01/2022 23:54

It’s ridiculously obvious that he should grow up and admit that he can’t afford this trip.

I’m mainly commenting because something about the way you phrased things has me worried that your partner is being put in a position to front some of the money for this trip or the wedding party expenses. If that is the case, it is a monumentally bad idea. Not only will money be tight because of the trip and the wedding, but counting on being paid back in a timely fashion could make it a disaster.

Original poster
Louisa3 · 12/01/2022 00:22

@Teacupsandtoast

Why are none of them growing a set of balls and telling the groom it's a ridiculous idea that none of them can afford?
OH only told me that part today and I said that’s just a stupid idea, and a recipe of disaster. OH said he’s going to talk to the groom this week about it all but is saying he doesn’t want to let him down and not go, but in my head he’s really letting me down. I’ve not been no a proper holiday for 20 years. We’re in a position when we could go this year, we’ve brought our house and with COVID restrictions (hopefully) opening travel back up it’s finally our chance to just spend time together away from everything. I’m trying not to be selfish but I’ve had a couple of really horrible years and need a break. My OH works so hard for us I’m so appreciative and I don’t want to deny him the trip and I have no problem with him going away without me but when it means the one holiday he gets in 4 years is without me, and I’ll be sat at home alone for the week with no hope of going away it really upsets me.
OP posts:
KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 12/01/2022 07:58

He’s not unreasonable to want to support his mate in his stag do. You’re not unreasonable to be upset if it means you’re missing out on a holiday.

You don’t say if you work or whether you have children but I’d try and make the best of the situation. Maybe plan a few weekends/long weekends camping or at a Premier Inn to get away cheaply and not affecting his income?

RampantIvy · 12/01/2022 08:01

@Teacupsandtoast

Why are none of them growing a set of balls and telling the groom it's a ridiculous idea that none of them can afford?
This ^^
Shoxfordian · 12/01/2022 08:03

It shows you where you are on his priority list and who he doesn’t mind letting down

I’m not sure I marry someone like that

tfresh · 12/01/2022 08:08

YANBU

Money matters aside, 4 days abroad is not a stag do, it's a holiday. The groom in question will obviously have to have a UK one as well, so just tell your other half to go to tat.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/01/2022 08:09

Two things.

Firstly, if most of them can't afford it, they should sack off the expensive stag and find something more affordable.

But...secondly. Your finances don't sound in good shape. How are you both placed work wise?

And, thirdly - why would you be sitting at home? Could you not either go on your own holiday, or work your arse off that week to get some savings for yourself in the bank?

Sorry, 3 questions!

sploshsplash · 12/01/2022 08:11

They should rearrange for a weekend in the uk.

Username7521 · 12/01/2022 08:15

Why is the stag organising his own stag do?
It’s not unreasonable to want to go, at the same time it’s not unreasonable that you don’t want to spend that much money.
I really think the issue is the stag being too involved. You need to keep them at arms length from the planning imo

Mumdiva99 · 12/01/2022 08:16

I can see all sides. Personally I wouldn't prioritise my friends over my family. However.....my friends and I do like to go away every so often, currently that's once every 5 or 6 years due to life!! As he's self employed could he work a little extra to pay for some of it? (Although I agree the best idea to talk to the groom and try and get it changed to a Friday and Saturday night in the UK.)

Palavah · 12/01/2022 08:19

Tell him exactly what you've said in your update

jeaux90 · 12/01/2022 08:20

Make sure your OH goes armed with an alternative that's affordable. A weekend in uk using a Airbnb or similar with an activity like coasteering/surfing or a night away where they do go ape then a night out for example.

YANBU but neither is the stag to want to do something with his mates to mark the occasion. Going away for a week is ridiculous and selfish though.

aSofaNearYou · 12/01/2022 08:21

This is why I find it mind boggling how incredibly greedy some men are about their stag dos. Unless it's a very wealthy friendship group, a week of people's time abroad is just such an enormously selfish thing to expect.

SituationCritical · 12/01/2022 08:22

The groom must be spectacularly selfish if he can clearly see nobody can afford it but hasn't thought hold on, maybe I should rethink this. A four day stag do abroad is ridiculous. They, as a group, need to tell the groom -so what it they upset him? The groom hasn't given a second thought about asking each person to fork out hundreds for a party on his behalf!

Shiningpath · 12/01/2022 08:24

Why is the stag organising his own stag do?

Yes, that’s the key issue here. Hmm

Why does it even matter?

AdviceNeeded367 · 12/01/2022 08:25

I think the loss of earnings is a bit of a red herring unless your DP never usually has time off work? Surely the time for the stag do is coming out of the annual leave he allows himself each year?

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 12/01/2022 08:28

Stag do-£1600 is your partner stupid.
If Mrs. Hr came home and said she's going to spend £1600 on a hen do, I'd be like there's the door.

Thehop · 12/01/2022 08:30

“I’m gonna organise you a U.K. stag night for those that can’t afford to go away. Do you want to give me a list? I’ll be honest, John, I think I’m gonna have to just go to that one. I’m skint.”

AgathaMystery · 12/01/2022 08:30

@Hrpuffnstuff1

Stag do-£1600 is your partner stupid. If Mrs. Hr came home and said she's going to spend £1600 on a hen do, I'd be like there's the door.
This.

I also think it’s much harder for men than women to say ‘I can’t afford that’.

girlmom21 · 12/01/2022 08:31

Stag dos should be a fun night or two with your mates. They shouldn't be putting their friends in difficult financial positions - there's no fun in that.

He'll have friends much less comfortable than you financially who are going to struggle much more. The groom sounds like a shit friend.