Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stag do- unreasonable?

82 replies

Louisa3 · 11/01/2022 23:08

Hi,

I just need some help in if I’m being unreasonable to try to suggest My other half is an usher for one of his best friends this year and they’re just organising the stag do.

The stag will be somewhere abroad in the summer for 4 days, costing about £500. My OH is self employed and so will loose out on a full weeks pay to go on the holiday as the groom is booking it mon-fri to save money 🙄.
All in all this stag holiday is going to cost near enough £1600 (with the cost of the holiday, lost earnings and spending money). This means we wave goodbye to any hopes of a holiday this year. We’ve never been able to go on a proper holiday together yet only 4 days in Devon and a few local weekends away so I’m a bit miffed that we’re having to spend so much for them to go away to be honest while I won’t get to spend any time with OH this year as we just can’t afford for him to take any other time off in a block and book a holiday. It also doesn’t help the wedding is mid week and not local so it’s another 2 days off to attend the wedding + a hotel which again is going to cost a lot of money when you factor in a gift, drinks etc as well.

OH has said that really none of the rest of the stag party can afford to go and that the groom is just going to pay the balance and they repay him which I think is a bit of a bad move. We can afford to pay it upfront (just) but not comfortably without meaning we can just about cover our bills.

We’ve got our own wedding to pay for next year so the only chance we’d get to go away together is the end of next year or into 2024 for a honeymoon. Am I being unreasonable for being upset about this? We booked our wedding for a Saturday to try to cause as little disruption for people with work as possible and I have asked OH to really think about his stag next year and not put people in the same position we’ve been put in in regards to money and feeling your obligation to go.

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 12/01/2022 08:40

I remember years ago a couple I knew who were getting married organised a week long joint stag/hen in a castle in Cornwall.

Inevitably almost no one could afford it and most people bailed. The couple then flounced and accused their friends of not making an effort.

They ended up having to massively scale down the wedding because so many people said they couldn’t afford both.

Just saying….

gobbledygoook · 12/01/2022 08:43

We have the same issue in our house! DH has been invited to a mon - fri stag do, which was organised by an imbecile of a best man. Cost is cheaper at about £600, but like you said, that's before drinks / food etc.

DH however turned round and said no, he's not using 5 days annual leave for the stag do, and the whole point of a stag do is one night etc. He has said they can do what they want, but he'll be flying out Thursday morning and back Friday 😂 about 5 other lads have now spoken up too!

It just takes one person to speak up for others to feel comfortable - if your DP does, the others who can't afford it might too and they can change the plans?

RampantIvy · 12/01/2022 08:43

What is wrong with the stag or then organising their own dos? That's how they used to be done, and not all that long ago.

aSofaNearYou · 12/01/2022 08:44

@AdviceNeeded367

I think the loss of earnings is a bit of a red herring unless your DP never usually has time off work? Surely the time for the stag do is coming out of the annual leave he allows himself each year?
She made it clear part of the issue was he wouldn't be able to afford to do this for any other purposes after doing this.
KiloWhat · 12/01/2022 08:46

The stag will just have to deal with it. It's a disgusting way to treat so called friends.

drpet49 · 12/01/2022 08:49

** Username7521

Why is the stag organising his own stag do?**

^Nothing wrong with that. I know a few brides who arranged their own hen party.

jackstini · 12/01/2022 08:54

Can you speak to some of the others and gauge feeling in how many can't afford it and then approach the groom?

Is the date set or could you start a WhatsApp chat asking all for availability and budget?

Point him towards some Groupon deals for much less! (& you go on one of those too Smile)

Thatsplentyjack · 12/01/2022 08:55

Yes it's ridiculous and selfish. We had this a few year ago. Stag was going abroad and so was the hen. We are both self employed. I declined straight away and I told dp if he wanted to go that was fine, but he wouldn't be coming back to live with us with his selfish attitude, and I wouldn't be putting any money towards his little binge drinking holiday. It would have meant we had to cancel our family holiday. I wasn't disappointing my kids for a couple of adult.

billy1966 · 12/01/2022 08:56

Unbelievable OP.

I would be rethinking things with someone so weak and disconnected from reality.

He can't afford this trip and he is happy to forgo any holiday with you?

Your finances sound incredibly tight and in those circumstances neither of you should be going anywhere.

You both should be trying to build up an emergency fund, unless living hand to mouth is what you are comfortable with.

Money compatibility in a marriage is crucial.
Having a buffer fund for emergencies is crucial.

As for paying the groom back and being put into debt, so unbelievable.

I'd be having a good hard think about him and his priorities.

Thinking a good friend putting you into their debt for THEIR stag is SO dim, I would be looking at him differently if that is his level of intelligence.

YOU will be the adult in your marriage which is SO tedious and kills any respect.

Flowers
Diggersaursarethebest · 12/01/2022 08:56

Does your DP know the best man? Maybe they could discuss it together then propose a more affordable alternative. The groom needs telling that this idea is terrible because it’s just too much money for everyone - people will start having to drop out and it will all fall apart.

Neveranynamesleft · 12/01/2022 08:56

What is the bride doing for her hen party ?
Maybe it's a case of the groom saying ' well if she's having a holiday away then so am I ' .

The trouble is people are too scared to say what they really feel. Ffs grow a pair, just say ' No thanks, cant afford it and neither can most of the others, we're not loaded and life in general is too expensive at the moment. Yes it's your party, but if you dont think of something else then you'll be going on your own '

Stop pussyfooting around just cause you dont want to upset a grown man.

Hoppinggreen · 12/01/2022 08:57

@jackstini

Can you speak to some of the others and gauge feeling in how many can't afford it and then approach the groom?

Is the date set or could you start a WhatsApp chat asking all for availability and budget?

Point him towards some Groupon deals for much less! (& you go on one of those too Smile)

Why is OP solving this? Maybe she should just organise the whole thing for the men?
Shiningpath · 12/01/2022 09:00

For what it’s worth, I think the money he loses from work is a red herring as he’d lose that if he went away with the OP as well. The cost generally does seem excessive. The groom presumably has another holiday coming up in the shape of the honeymoon but for a lot of people this will be their first holiday in a while and only holiday this year.

Thatsplentyjack · 12/01/2022 09:01

And to answer the question of why none of them just say they can't afford it,probably because most of them don't have a backbone and they do actually really want to go.

Eleganz · 12/01/2022 09:02

Hi OP, has this been booked and your OH confirmed he is going or is this still in the discussion stage? It is not clear to me.

ImALittlePea · 12/01/2022 09:03

Our rule for things like this is that family time and holidays are prioritised over plans with friends. If we can afford (both the time and the money) to go away together as a family, cover childcare as needed etc, then by all means fill your boots and go on trips with friends. If we can't, then sorry but it simply doesn't happen. Family comes first. Always.

(Fwiw, it took a couple of really frank heart to hearts a few years back to get DH to really understand the impact on me and the kids about this. Once he did, we've not had to discuss again)

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 12/01/2022 09:04

I couldn't be arsed.
We're getting married- celebration here and then one in her home country, neither of us is having a stag or hen do.
We've more pressing family plans to finance, house renovations-baby-family holiday-paying mortgage off. I wouldn't extend my working hrs to facilitate expensive lads jolly either.
Crackers.
If I suggested to my Mrs, an expensive lads trip away, and then insisted on it. It would be over.
Seriously.

Too much headspace is given in relationships to others-friends.

Mountaingoat12 · 12/01/2022 09:06

Any stag / hen do organiser needs to ensure the event meets the budget and time constraints of the most skint / time-limited person invited. If they fail to do this they can’t expect full attendance.

ineedanewbum · 12/01/2022 09:09

I really don't get this new way of having hens/stags that go on for days on end and are in foreign countries. I got married 10 years ago. Had my hen night in my own home (pre kids) and it was amazing. My DH had 1 night away in the same country with a bus hired to drive and collect them all. Hens and stags were never about weeks away in foreign countries it's ridiculous and selfish. Tell the groom to grow up and stop being a selfish arsehole.

TruffleShuffles · 12/01/2022 09:11

Why does Monday to Friday save money? You have to pay for a Monday and Friday plane ticket wether you go over the weekend or in the week and it’s also an extra night in a hotel if you do mon-fri rather than than fri-mon. Is it possible to mention this to the groom and compare prices so your OH isn’t missing a full week off work? Would that make it more doable for them all?

Original poster
Louisa3 · 12/01/2022 09:30

@arethereanyleftatall

Two things.

Firstly, if most of them can't afford it, they should sack off the expensive stag and find something more affordable.

But...secondly. Your finances don't sound in good shape. How are you both placed work wise?

And, thirdly - why would you be sitting at home? Could you not either go on your own holiday, or work your arse off that week to get some savings for yourself in the bank?

Sorry, 3 questions!

That’s a conversation I’ve said that’s got to be had this week. I think half the issue is none of the group really know each other. Best man is grooms bother, ushers are 2 guys the groom works with and my fiancé and groom have known each other since school. But apart from the 2 who work together they’ve only met twice

We both work full time, we are comfortable in what we bring home money wise each month, but as I mentioned any savings go straight into the bank for our own wedding next year which we’ve budgeted be more than affordable for us. Just with my fiancé being self employed we have to budget in for whole weeks off as my wage isn’t half as good as his. Plus we’re still finishing off our house which was a proper renovation project. We have money and a set amount for a holiday factored into that (which would have to be spent on the stag holiday) needs to be put into other things.

Typically the week they’re going in in the only couple of weeks in the year I can’t take holiday. And with my job I can’t work any overtime for any extra money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Louisa3 · 12/01/2022 09:34

It’s not been booked yet luckily. They were booking it last week but the best mans girlfriend said no to them going to magaluf so it held them up finding another location.

OP posts:
Original poster
Louisa3 · 12/01/2022 09:38

@Neveranynamesleft

What is the bride doing for her hen party ? Maybe it's a case of the groom saying ' well if she's having a holiday away then so am I ' .

The trouble is people are too scared to say what they really feel. Ffs grow a pair, just say ' No thanks, cant afford it and neither can most of the others, we're not loaded and life in general is too expensive at the moment. Yes it's your party, but if you dont think of something else then you'll be going on your own '

Stop pussyfooting around just cause you dont want to upset a grown man.

I’d love to say that bit to the groom myself tbh 🤣. The groom is a lovley guy and is actually best man at our wedding. but comes from a well off family and is really tight with his money so doesn’t have the same worries of everyone else.

His fiancé has a weekend at centre parks which is obviously expensive but still more doable as it’s in this country and only lasted 2 days not 4!

OP posts:
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 12/01/2022 09:40

If more people had the guts to say no, it’s far too expensive, not to mention days of precious leave, maybe these things would die the death.

Not that I hold out much hope. It must be 20 years ago that a dd’s boyfriend declined a stag do abroad that was going to cost over £500 then.

Even if people can afford them, they will very often have better/more important things to spend the money on - or to save for.

Mumdiva99 · 12/01/2022 09:41

Sorry but latest update made me LOL. The best man's girl friend is involved in picking the destination by vetoing a destination!!! Does she not realise that the stags will get up to whatever they want where ever they want!!

Swipe left for the next trending thread