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Original poster

Stag do- unreasonable?

82 replies

Louisa3 · 11/01/2022 23:08

Hi,

I just need some help in if I’m being unreasonable to try to suggest My other half is an usher for one of his best friends this year and they’re just organising the stag do.

The stag will be somewhere abroad in the summer for 4 days, costing about £500. My OH is self employed and so will loose out on a full weeks pay to go on the holiday as the groom is booking it mon-fri to save money 🙄.
All in all this stag holiday is going to cost near enough £1600 (with the cost of the holiday, lost earnings and spending money). This means we wave goodbye to any hopes of a holiday this year. We’ve never been able to go on a proper holiday together yet only 4 days in Devon and a few local weekends away so I’m a bit miffed that we’re having to spend so much for them to go away to be honest while I won’t get to spend any time with OH this year as we just can’t afford for him to take any other time off in a block and book a holiday. It also doesn’t help the wedding is mid week and not local so it’s another 2 days off to attend the wedding + a hotel which again is going to cost a lot of money when you factor in a gift, drinks etc as well.

OH has said that really none of the rest of the stag party can afford to go and that the groom is just going to pay the balance and they repay him which I think is a bit of a bad move. We can afford to pay it upfront (just) but not comfortably without meaning we can just about cover our bills.

We’ve got our own wedding to pay for next year so the only chance we’d get to go away together is the end of next year or into 2024 for a honeymoon. Am I being unreasonable for being upset about this? We booked our wedding for a Saturday to try to cause as little disruption for people with work as possible and I have asked OH to really think about his stag next year and not put people in the same position we’ve been put in in regards to money and feeling your obligation to go.

OP posts:
KiloWhat · 12/01/2022 09:42

@Louisa3

It’s not been booked yet luckily. They were booking it last week but the best mans girlfriend said no to them going to magaluf so it held them up finding another location.
Why on earth does the best man's girlfriend get a say? These are grown men. They really need to be able to sort these things out themselves
billy1966 · 12/01/2022 09:50

So the well off tight groom, picks an expensive stag, and wants to put his friends in his debt?

Too mean to pay for it, but happy for a power/ego play, where his friends are financially indebted to him?

I repeat, I wouldn't be impressed with a man with so little cop on and self respect, not to be able to say Nope.

Mosaic123 · 12/01/2022 09:57

I don't know why they can't have just one amazing night, close to where you live! It's called Stag Night.

MumW · 12/01/2022 10:03

I bet that if your DP says he can't go because you can't afford it, then others will drop out too.

MumW · 12/01/2022 10:07

Actually, in your position, I'd be telling my DP that he shouldn't be going as it has too much impact on our family, both in terms of time & money.

H1Drangea · 12/01/2022 10:18

When did it all go so mad with Stag / Hen Dos ?
In the good old days (90s ) it was a rented bus for a stag crawl round the pubs , and I had dinner and drinks with a couple of friends

He can’t afford it , so will have to tell his friend he’s unable to attend

CherieBabySpliffUp · 12/01/2022 10:24

Does your DF really not want to go? He'd have spoken up before now surely.

Aimee1987 · 12/01/2022 10:34

That's crazy. One of my friends choose to have a hen in a European capital for 3 night. I couldn't afford it. I send my apologies to the bride who said she completly understood and that she knew it was a possibility with choosing that type of hen.
One of the bridesmaids tried to convince me to come offering to pay for my flight and towards the hotel saying that I could pay her back whenever. While that may have sounded nice it made me really uncomfortable. I was still a student ( post grad with a small stipend) and didnt see a way of paying back. I had to just put my foot down and say no and please stop it's making me uncomfortable.
Your partner as groomsmen needs to relay what the others are saying about affordability to the groom. If he wont listen then he just needs to politely decline.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 12/01/2022 13:03

@Mumdiva99

Sorry but latest update made me LOL. The best man's girl friend is involved in picking the destination by vetoing a destination!!! Does she not realise that the stags will get up to whatever they want where ever they want!!
Really, I don't think a weekend at center parks is comparable to Shagaluf. Do you? Magaluf, tells a story in itself. Classy.
PearlD · 12/01/2022 13:20

Ew. Can your fella talk to the group and say he can't afford the boys only holiday abroad (because that's what it is, let's face it) and arrange a more low key local night out as well? Then the ones that can afford it can do the holiday, the ones that can't still get to celebrate together, but not skint themselves in the process?

If not, maybe you holiday with the girls this year? I'd be giving this the major side eye too.

RampantIvy · 12/01/2022 13:36

I really don't understand why people find it so difficult to say "look guys, I can't afford to do an abroad stag/hen trip. Can we have a night out at home as well/instead?"

The cost won't just cover flights and accommodation. People need to factor in food, alcohol, travel insurance, lateral flow/PCR testing, and accommodation for an extra week should they test positive while away.

Chanel05 · 12/01/2022 13:42

I hate this expectation that you can just drop £££ and jet abroad, mid week simply because someone is getting married.

I've lost lifelong friendships because I couldn't get time off and afford 1k on two days abroad for a hen.

They all need to just get on with it and tell him. Personally, I'd be saying that you don't want your joint savings used and he will have to do some overtime to save up.

Eustonhalf · 12/01/2022 13:44

This is absolutely ridiculous.

You should be going on holiday together if it's one or the other.

What happened to a drink down the pub. This is obscene.

LittleGwyneth · 12/01/2022 13:44

I don't think it's fair to include lost earnings in that total, because he needs to be taking four weeks off a year minimum, even self employed. Holiday prevents you from getting burned out and is a really essential part of working for yourself. That said, five hundred quid for four days is a lot, and they need to tell the groom it's too much.

AryaStarkWolf · 12/01/2022 13:46

YANBU, the Groom is really out of order there though. I can see why you OH feels like he's in an awkward position but they all need to grow a backbone and tell the groom no, it's too expensive for everyone

Freisias · 12/01/2022 13:47

That's not a stag do. It's a holiday. The stag doesn't have to go abroad to have a stag do. What a load of selfish bollocks.

Eustonhalf · 12/01/2022 13:47

I think it's fair to include lost earnings because it means holiday can't be taken together as a result.

LittleGwyneth · 12/01/2022 13:55

@eustonhalf but he should be taking four weeks holiday minimum a year, so this would only be 25% of his holiday allowance.

Eustonhalf · 12/01/2022 13:58

It doesn't sound like the op thinks she'll have three other weeks with him.

Original poster
Louisa3 · 12/01/2022 14:04

[quote LittleGwyneth]@eustonhalf but he should be taking four weeks holiday minimum a year, so this would only be 25% of his holiday allowance.[/quote]
Unfortunately with the current climate of work and bills it’s hard to take that when you’re self employed especially in week long blocks. We rather take long weekend etc and a week off at Christmas and a week off somewhere else in the year. Without going into in too much my wages alone even with working full time couldn’t pay the house and business expenses, so we choose to have less time off in blocks and just days off instead. Before he met me he never had anytime off, so had to drum the need of downtime into him haha.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 12/01/2022 14:26

@KellyJonesLeatherTrousers

He’s not unreasonable to want to support his mate in his stag do. You’re not unreasonable to be upset if it means you’re missing out on a holiday.

You don’t say if you work or whether you have children but I’d try and make the best of the situation. Maybe plan a few weekends/long weekends camping or at a Premier Inn to get away cheaply and not affecting his income?

So he goes on an expensive jolly and the OP gets to go camping??

WTAF??

aSofaNearYou · 12/01/2022 14:27

[quote LittleGwyneth]@eustonhalf but he should be taking four weeks holiday minimum a year, so this would only be 25% of his holiday allowance.[/quote]
This is a very simplistic view of life for the self employed.

Nanny0gg · 12/01/2022 14:28

@Shiningpath

Why is the stag organising his own stag do?

Yes, that’s the key issue here. Hmm

Why does it even matter?

Because one of the friends might do something far more affordable.
Shiningpath · 12/01/2022 14:30

Because one of the friends might do something far more affordable.

There’s no logic in that at all. A friend might be equally extravagant, or even more extravagant.

Nanny0gg · 12/01/2022 14:34

@LittleGwyneth

I don't think it's fair to include lost earnings in that total, because he needs to be taking four weeks off a year minimum, even self employed. Holiday prevents you from getting burned out and is a really essential part of working for yourself. That said, five hundred quid for four days is a lot, and they need to tell the groom it's too much.
Are you self-employed?

You can't just magic earnings out of thin air. If you can't afford to take holiday then you just don't.
Hopefully, eventually, you're busy enough to do that.

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