Can’t meet boyfriend’s DS

76

Well, you don't actually need to meet her first. It's a nice courtesy but not essential!

Why does he need her permission?

Why is he letting her decide when you meet his son? It's up to him surely?

It’s up to him who meets his child. Why on Earth does his ex get to decide? Is he willing to wait around till she’s happy? What if she meets you and doesn’t like you so will veto you meeting the son?

Boundaries are all well off here.

You’d be mad to get engaged without seeing how he is as a dad. Whatever he’s told you about his son you don’t really know anything until you’ve seen them in normal day to day ways.

How old are all the DC? What else does he let his ex control?

It’s been two years, not months. If your DP wants you to meet his DS, that’s his choice. His ex has been given an opportunity to meet you but clearly isn’t serious about taking you up on the offer. Just meet him, you’re clearly serious about one another.

You don’t know her motivation.
But if he can’t manage going back to say, “actually we wanted the meet up before Feb half term, as we’re planning a day out then, so please let me know an evening you’re free before then” then I wouldn’t date him, let alone marry him.
You shouldn’t even have to take to MN to ask this because he should have already sorted it!

Mid May 🤣
Yeah she's that busy! Just get on with it and don't pander to her attempt to control.

Why are you letting her call the shots?

She doesn't get to decide she must meet you first nor does she get to decide that you can't meet her child yet.

He could have introduced you the day after her met you and it wouldn't have been up to her. Not suggesting that would have been right be he could have.

He's his sons parent. He can do what he likes on his contact time and it's nothing to do with their mother.

Honestly if you are planning a life with this man do NOT fall into the trap of allowing his ex wife to think she gets to dictate how it will be and when.

If you want to meet her and are happy to then say no May doesn't work and give her some sooner dates that work for you. She isn't the only person who matters or should have an option/opinion in this scenario.

And if you're not actually that keen on meeting her first then just don't. You don't need to have anything to do with her.

If you haven’t met his child after 2 years then I would say that he doesn’t see you as a long-term prospect.

I wouldn’t even move in with a man whose children I had never met, let alone marry one.

Run.

Your DP needs to go back and say that waiting until mid May doesn't work for you so he's going to introduce you soon but he'll let her know when it's happened in case the dc have any questions.

It was nice that you want everyone to be ok with this but yes, waiting that long is her being ridiculous. Has she not met anyone else since they split so this hasn't come up before?

I think you have been courteous enough. Mid May is ridiculous. I would have liked the chance to meet my ex's girlfriend just to know who my kids were with but in the end he's their parent and capable of judging who they spend time with.
I would say it's more important that you keep first meetings as stress free for the child as possible. Somewhere neutral, short time length, no big deal ie not an event or show or special day trip.

Your boyfriend needs to tell his ex that May is too far away if she wants to meet first. She can suggest a date in the next 4 weeks or your boyfriend should say meet his dc anyway. However she is trying to be controlling and if you are getting married, your boyfriend/ fiance can say you do need to meet dc sooner rather than later. Not sure why she wants to meet you first. Giving her approval? It's not going to change whether you get married or not.

Well we’re assuming that the ex wife is actually saying all these things. IMO it’s far more likely that he’s using her as an excuse not to introduce his child to the OP. If he wanted OP to meet his DS, then it would have happened by now.

And if she comes back to your suggestion of sooner dates saying no then he should just reply and say that's a shame but he'll be introducing you regardless.

She isn't or shouldn't be in control of this situation. Does your partner have a spine?

I think it's insane to decide to marry someone whose child you haven't met, and whose parenting you haven't seen at all -- and surely it's very early days seeing how he gets on with your own children. Planning to get married with this many unknowns in relation to blending your families sounds to me like jumping the gun.

I don't really see why you thought it a better way around though to introduce DC and then get married straightaway. They should have met you /him earlier and had chance to build up a relationship with you both before you planned on getting married.

I'm all for waiting to introduce DC but not if the plan is to get married as soon as you do.

Please don't marry until you've not only met DS but spent a lot of time with him.
You may have been with your bf for ages, but for a child going from meeting you to step mum in a year is very quick.
You may also discover you don't like him or how your bf parents.
Your kids may hate him.
You need to get things a lot more settled before you think of marriage.

Why don't you just meet her the next time he picks the child up?

The feedback seems to be that it would not be unreasonable to disregard ex-wife’s wishes here and meet my boyfriend’s child without seeing her first as she’s being obstructive.

No it wouldn't be unreasonable. It wouldn't be unreasonable even if she weren't being obstructive by saying May. You just not wanting to meet her is a valid reason too. Your partner is an equal parent and should be able to make decisions on behalf of his son without her permission during his contact time.

Agree with others. Your BF should be prioritising this and dealing with the ex wife by insisting on a sooner date. He's not that bothered about you meeting his kids and you need to dig into this. He sounds a bit weak and passive.

If you’re wanting to go through with meeting her then the boyfriend needs to go back and say you need a date before mid-May. She is taking the mickey a bit.

Personally I don’t really understand the desire to meet your ex’s new girlfriend. I get wanting to wait before introducing new people to children, but I’m not sure what a meeting of the parents/step parents actually achieves.