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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can’t meet boyfriend’s DS

76 replies

DaffodilPot · 11/01/2022 09:20

I’ve name changed in case my boyfriend’s ex-wife is on here.

I’ve been with BF for just over two years. We’ve discussed the future and decided to get married next year.

I took my time in introducing him to my DC and he didn’t meet them until just before Christmas. We’re now slowly integrating him into our lives.

BF asked ex-wife about introducing me to their DD. She said ok, but that she would like to meet me first. We suggested a couple of dates in the coming month which she couldn’t do so we asked her when would be good. She came back with a date in mid-May.

AIBU to think she is being deliberately obstructive? She and my BF had been divorced for 2 years before I met him and she’s been aware of my existence for at least a year. We’ve been purposefully slow in involving the children but would really like to move forward in introducing them now.

AIBU - ex-wife is within her right to refuse to meet me until May

AINBU - she’s taking the mickey a bit.

OP posts:

sunlovingcriminal · 11/01/2022 09:22

Well, you don't actually need to meet her first. It's a nice courtesy but not essential!

Original poster

DaffodilPot · 11/01/2022 09:22

I’ve messed up changing the details to be more anonymous! It’s BF’s DS not DD

OP posts:

RedCandyApple · 11/01/2022 09:23

Why does he need her permission?

Clymene · 11/01/2022 09:24

Why is he letting her decide when you meet his son? It's up to him surely?

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/01/2022 09:25

It’s up to him who meets his child. Why on Earth does his ex get to decide? Is he willing to wait around till she’s happy? What if she meets you and doesn’t like you so will veto you meeting the son?

Boundaries are all well off here.

You’d be mad to get engaged without seeing how he is as a dad. Whatever he’s told you about his son you don’t really know anything until you’ve seen them in normal day to day ways.

How old are all the DC? What else does he let his ex control?

Original poster

DaffodilPot · 11/01/2022 09:25

We don’t need her permission, I just wanted everyone to be as happy with the situation as possible.

I guess the other option is for me to go ahead and meet DS anyway but that will probably really about her now he’s asked and she said she wanted to meet me first 🤯

OP posts:

Hemingwayscatz · 11/01/2022 09:27

It’s been two years, not months. If your DP wants you to meet his DS, that’s his choice. His ex has been given an opportunity to meet you but clearly isn’t serious about taking you up on the offer. Just meet him, you’re clearly serious about one another.

Cocomarine · 11/01/2022 09:28

You don’t know her motivation.
But if he can’t manage going back to say, “actually we wanted the meet up before Feb half term, as we’re planning a day out then, so please let me know an evening you’re free before then” then I wouldn’t date him, let alone marry him.
You shouldn’t even have to take to MN to ask this because he should have already sorted it!

OnaBegonia · 11/01/2022 09:29

Mid May 🤣
Yeah she's that busy! Just get on with it and don't pander to her attempt to control.

MiEncanto · 11/01/2022 09:29

Why are you letting her call the shots?

She doesn't get to decide she must meet you first nor does she get to decide that you can't meet her child yet.

He could have introduced you the day after her met you and it wouldn't have been up to her. Not suggesting that would have been right be he could have.

He's his sons parent. He can do what he likes on his contact time and it's nothing to do with their mother.

Honestly if you are planning a life with this man do NOT fall into the trap of allowing his ex wife to think she gets to dictate how it will be and when.

If you want to meet her and are happy to then say no May doesn't work and give her some sooner dates that work for you. She isn't the only person who matters or should have an option/opinion in this scenario.

And if you're not actually that keen on meeting her first then just don't. You don't need to have anything to do with her.

AlternativePerspective · 11/01/2022 09:29

If you haven’t met his child after 2 years then I would say that he doesn’t see you as a long-term prospect.

I wouldn’t even move in with a man whose children I had never met, let alone marry one.

Run.

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 11/01/2022 09:29

Your DP needs to go back and say that waiting until mid May doesn't work for you so he's going to introduce you soon but he'll let her know when it's happened in case the dc have any questions.

It was nice that you want everyone to be ok with this but yes, waiting that long is her being ridiculous. Has she not met anyone else since they split so this hasn't come up before?

PicaK · 11/01/2022 09:31

I think you have been courteous enough. Mid May is ridiculous. I would have liked the chance to meet my ex's girlfriend just to know who my kids were with but in the end he's their parent and capable of judging who they spend time with.
I would say it's more important that you keep first meetings as stress free for the child as possible. Somewhere neutral, short time length, no big deal ie not an event or show or special day trip.

MarineBlue33 · 11/01/2022 09:31

Your boyfriend needs to tell his ex that May is too far away if she wants to meet first. She can suggest a date in the next 4 weeks or your boyfriend should say meet his dc anyway. However she is trying to be controlling and if you are getting married, your boyfriend/ fiance can say you do need to meet dc sooner rather than later. Not sure why she wants to meet you first. Giving her approval? It's not going to change whether you get married or not.

AlternativePerspective · 11/01/2022 09:31

Well we’re assuming that the ex wife is actually saying all these things. IMO it’s far more likely that he’s using her as an excuse not to introduce his child to the OP. If he wanted OP to meet his DS, then it would have happened by now.

MiEncanto · 11/01/2022 09:32

And if she comes back to your suggestion of sooner dates saying no then he should just reply and say that's a shame but he'll be introducing you regardless.

She isn't or shouldn't be in control of this situation. Does your partner have a spine?

Subulter · 11/01/2022 09:32

I think it's insane to decide to marry someone whose child you haven't met, and whose parenting you haven't seen at all -- and surely it's very early days seeing how he gets on with your own children. Planning to get married with this many unknowns in relation to blending your families sounds to me like jumping the gun.

MiEncanto · 11/01/2022 09:35

I don't really see why you thought it a better way around though to introduce DC and then get married straightaway. They should have met you /him earlier and had chance to build up a relationship with you both before you planned on getting married.

I'm all for waiting to introduce DC but not if the plan is to get married as soon as you do.

negomi90 · 11/01/2022 09:37

Please don't marry until you've not only met DS but spent a lot of time with him.
You may have been with your bf for ages, but for a child going from meeting you to step mum in a year is very quick.
You may also discover you don't like him or how your bf parents.
Your kids may hate him.
You need to get things a lot more settled before you think of marriage.

Original poster

DaffodilPot · 11/01/2022 09:37

I don’t think we’re jumping the gun in deciding we’d like to marry next year. We’ve not booked anything or planned anything but I wanted to be sure I wanted him to be a permanent part of my life before he met my kids.

It is definitely her saying May. I’ve seen him texting her and her replies coming in - people on here are so suspicious of everything!

The feedback seems to be that it would not be unreasonable to disregard ex-wife’s wishes here and meet my boyfriend’s child without seeing her first as she’s being obstructive.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 11/01/2022 09:39

Why don't you just meet her the next time he picks the child up?

MiEncanto · 11/01/2022 09:39

The feedback seems to be that it would not be unreasonable to disregard ex-wife’s wishes here and meet my boyfriend’s child without seeing her first as she’s being obstructive.

No it wouldn't be unreasonable. It wouldn't be unreasonable even if she weren't being obstructive by saying May. You just not wanting to meet her is a valid reason too. Your partner is an equal parent and should be able to make decisions on behalf of his son without her permission during his contact time.

Cocomarine · 11/01/2022 09:41

@AlternativePerspective

I like your name 🤣 And I agree. The introduction hasn’t been a priority for your boyfriend - so why should it be for his ex? It doesn’t sound like he’s in any hurry at all. I’m really suspicious of him rather than her, because I don’t see how it goes:

Jan?
May?
runs to MN

Not:

Jan?
May?
ah, that’s a bit of a wait, Feb please

He sounds very quick to just accept May.

WaterBottle123 · 11/01/2022 09:43

Agree with others. Your BF should be prioritising this and dealing with the ex wife by insisting on a sooner date. He's not that bothered about you meeting his kids and you need to dig into this. He sounds a bit weak and passive.

Mumoblue · 11/01/2022 09:43

If you’re wanting to go through with meeting her then the boyfriend needs to go back and say you need a date before mid-May. She is taking the mickey a bit.

Personally I don’t really understand the desire to meet your ex’s new girlfriend. I get wanting to wait before introducing new people to children, but I’m not sure what a meeting of the parents/step parents actually achieves.

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