Page 3 | Can’t meet boyfriend’s DS

DaffodilPot · 2022-01-11T09:20:33+00:00

I’ve name changed in case my boyfriend’s ex-wife is on here. I’ve been with BF for just over two years. We’ve discussed the future and decided to get married next year. I took my time in introducing him to my DC and he didn’t meet them until just before Christmas. We’re now slowly integrating him into our lives. BF asked ex-wife about introducing me to their DD. She said ok, but that she would like to meet me first. We suggested a couple of dates in the coming month which she couldn’t do so we asked her when would be good. She came back with a date in mid-May. AIBU to think she is being deliberately obstructive? She and my BF had been divorced for 2 years before I met him and she’s been aware of my existence for at least a year. We’ve been purposefully slow in involving the children but would really like to move forward in introducing them now. AIBU - ex-wife is within her right to refuse to meet me until May AINBU - she’s taking the mickey a bit.

BarryTheKestrel · 11/01/2022 11:06

Just meet the child.

You have been respectful and asked, she says she wants to meet you first and then has been ridiculous in arranging this, showing she has no real intention other than causing issues for you both.

Meet DS. If she still wants to meet you, she can, in May - the only time she's free.

Viviennemary · 11/01/2022 11:06

Why do you even need her permission. She obviously still rules. I would seriously consider ending the relationship. She will be there in your marriage all the time controlling and making things difficult.

Crayzeefrog · 11/01/2022 11:07

He should never have asked permission. Something like ‘Now we are engaged I think it’s important that my fiancée has a relationship with DS. I’m going to introduce them next week. We’ve got a few hours free on Friday if you want the chance to meet her first’

AlternativePerspective · 11/01/2022 11:37

Mumsnet is so strange, they normally judge anyone who introduces someone to their child quickly, but when someone waits they are also judged! And most people say wait till the relationship is serious before introducing, now it’s the opposite and introduce them before you get serious 🤯 there’s middle ground between introducing the kids on a first date, and waiting for 2 years and then introducing them to the person you’re going to marry.

I am personally in the sooner rather than later camp tbh.I’m not talking days or weeks, but I do think that the sooner the kids become a part of the relationship, the more real it is. I also think that the longer you wait, the more relationship becomes established between the 2 people,and when you introduce the kids it becomes harder to walk away when things don’t go well, and that’s when you end up with kids with a resentful step parent, and a parent who refuses to take their wishes into account.

Added to which the length of a relationship isn’t necessarily an indicator of how successful it’s going to be. After all, most children come from long term relationships which didn’t work out, so being with someone for 2 years before introducing the kids doesn’t mean it’s definitely going to work out, and being with someone for 3 months doesn’t mean it won’t.

AndAnotherNewOne · 11/01/2022 11:40

@Crayzeefrog

He should never have asked permission. Something like ‘Now we are engaged I think it’s important that my fiancée has a relationship with DS. I’m going to introduce them next week. We’ve got a few hours free on Friday if you want the chance to meet her first’

This.

She's taking the piss. He needs to put his foot down or it will carry on.

Xmassprout · 11/01/2022 11:45

Your boyfriend needs to set a deadline. Something along the lines of

'Daffodil is going to be meeting child in February, if you would like to meet Daffodil before she meets child, you need to come up with a date before february'

FurryAntiWaxer · 11/01/2022 11:48

@Theunamedcat

Honestly this sounds like my permanently engaged ex husband and if it is he is lying to you I said you could meet ds ages ago now he is telling me you have a drinking problem (like his last fiance who was crackers) he is also telling me you have mental health issues he is trying to make me worry about you so I will react and he will have "proof" I'm Unreasonable but I'm not playing games I'm ignoring it

BTW he has two phones and texts himself putting that number under my name and other people's his ex girlfriend was shocked to realise this and as he deletes his messages daily all you see is a message of "mum" saying can you come over or a message off "me" making demands etc its very depressing

Posts like this invoke a personality disorder diagnosis. There is nothing normal about this behaviour. It's bunny boiler level crazy. In this case, the op was with him when the message popped up, so unless has phone ventriloquism and can message himself without appearing to touch another phone, he isn't your ex.

Fatgalslim · 11/01/2022 12:01

@RedCandyApple

Mumsnet is so strange, they normally judge anyone who introduces someone to their child quickly, but when someone waits they are also judged! And most people say wait till the relationship is serious before introducing, now it’s the opposite and introduce them before you get serious 🤯

I was just thinking this, it's a bloody parallel universe on here at times

maddening · 11/01/2022 12:06

She is being a bit of a dick, but for the sake of avoiding conflict I would just go slow with the mum, let her have this one imo as it will help that first meeting go well and really set you up for a good relationship going forward. It is hard but take a deep breath and let it go, after 2 years Jan to May will go relatively quickly I reckon x

Sockwomble · 11/01/2022 12:18

I would be reconsidering marrying someone who is allowing his ex to be this controlling.

Feedingthebirds1 · 11/01/2022 12:27

Although you've posted about this one particular thing OP, given that he felt he had to ask her are there wider issues involved? Does the ex use the DD as a weapon against him? As in, if you do/don't do [whatever] I won't let you see her? What was she like over the divorce, was she determined to screw him over? What's she like now? Does she take any opportunity to make his life difficult?

I know I'm reading between the lines here, but I can't help feeling that this isn't an isolated problem.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 11/01/2022 12:27

Well she had her chance. Meeting you before you meet her child obviously isn't a priority for her so I'd just do it

This place is odd at times, the boyfriend has only just met ops children. It's not just the boyfriend avoiding introducing his child

I can't see anything wrong with waiting 2 years

AlDanvers · 11/01/2022 12:30

Sorry op I have to gree with those who would be put off by him. First, he doesn't need her permission. He needed to simply inform her, if he get she ahold know before hand.

And his response to may should have been something like 'OK, you can meet her in May. I will be introducing ds next week'.

You may not like it op, but he will be jumping through her hoops forever.

ApolloandDaphne · 11/01/2022 12:54

@RedCandyApple

Mumsnet is so strange, they normally judge anyone who introduces someone to their child quickly, but when someone waits they are also judged! And most people say wait till the relationship is serious before introducing, now it’s the opposite and introduce them before you get serious 🤯

I was just thinking this! There is obviously a perfect waiting time between too soon and too long known only to people on MN!

gogohm · 11/01/2022 12:59

In all honesty you need to see if your families can blend before you get married - Mumsnet is littered with posts about families which simply cannot function as a blended unit. Saying there's no date between Jan and may is obviously ridiculous, your fiancé needs to step up and be more assertive otherwise this isn't going to end well

Opus17 · 11/01/2022 12:59

Bf should text ex that they are happy for her to meet you first but waiting until may is ridiculous. Maybe happy to wait until end of January but if she can't find 30 minutes to meet you then he's just going to go ahead and introduce DS 🤷🏼‍♀️

MiEncanto · 11/01/2022 13:37

We don’t need her permission, I just wanted everyone to be as happy with the situation as possible

Honestly I'd just give up on this idea tbh. You can be respectful and considerate but I wouldn't be going out of my way to make sure my husband's ex were happy with the situation. It's really not up to her to decide she's happy with it or not nor is it down to you to try and mitigate it.

You tried to do things her way and she's been ridiculous. Oh well. Just carry on and meet him and get rid of this idea of everyone being happy with it. Do what's best for your family which is going to be you partner, you and both your kids, not his ex wife.

Halfabag · 12/01/2022 03:07

You’ve done a responsible thing in not meeting each other’s children for a while but it’s really getting on for maybe too long now! More so because you are talking of marrying next year. That’s a lot for a kid to take in. And you haven’t given real life a chance before you decided this. I’m assuming he won’t be moving in with you for a bit yet?

Rubyglitter · 12/01/2022 06:20

Why would you marry him when you haven’t seen how he parents his ds? Is there a reason why he isn’t letting you see his Ds? His ex saying no isn’t a good enough reason - he is an equal parent. I wouldn’t rush into marriage and a blended family until you’ve all interacted together for a year or two. He sounds like he doesn’t have a backbone.

HNY2022mam · 12/01/2022 06:28

How can you be considering marriage when you have no idea if you will work as a blended family?

Wiredforsound · 12/01/2022 07:09

Just meet his DS. He doesn’t need permission to do that. He doesn’t even need to tell her, unless he wants to do a breezy, “by the way, we’re meeting DaffodilPot and her kids for dinner tonight’ at pick up. You don’t need to meet her at all.

AlDanvers · 12/01/2022 08:03

He has put you both in a bad position.

You say you know you don't need her permission, then why seek it?

She gave it, on her terms. I think the terms are ridiculous. However, asking someone for permission to do something then completely ignoring what they said, is likey to cause problems.

I donr understand why he sought to ask her permission if yiu both felt like you didn't need it and were going to go ahead anyway.

And why your thread title says you can't meet his son. When you are going to, regardless of what she said.

Coronawireless · 12/01/2022 08:13

OP you sound nice and respectful and I hope you get on well with the DC and everything works out. Sure, navigating with the ex may be tricky but if you do get married she’ll be co-parenting with you for life so it’s good not to fight if possible.
It’s taking time, which is frustrating but hopefully will be worth it. Apart from this one issue where your DP defers to his child’s mother on child-related issues, how is your relationship? Are you good together in other ways?
Hopefully some compromise can be reached before May as it would be good for the child to get used to you before you spring a wedding on him.
Good luck💐

Aprilx · 12/01/2022 15:16

There was no need to ask permission in the first place. What is the point of a meeting, does she get to veto you and if she did then what? You would split up?

No the ex is not the problem here, it is definitely your boyfriend that is the issue. He doesn’t want you to meet his kids and puts you so far below his ex in priorities, it is embarrassing,

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 12/01/2022 15:21

She’s not being reasonable so your fiancé now needs to proceed based on his own judgement.

If you wait until May, it signals to her that she holds the upper hand.