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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can’t meet boyfriend’s DS

76 replies

DaffodilPot · 11/01/2022 09:20

I’ve name changed in case my boyfriend’s ex-wife is on here.

I’ve been with BF for just over two years. We’ve discussed the future and decided to get married next year.

I took my time in introducing him to my DC and he didn’t meet them until just before Christmas. We’re now slowly integrating him into our lives.

BF asked ex-wife about introducing me to their DD. She said ok, but that she would like to meet me first. We suggested a couple of dates in the coming month which she couldn’t do so we asked her when would be good. She came back with a date in mid-May.

AIBU to think she is being deliberately obstructive? She and my BF had been divorced for 2 years before I met him and she’s been aware of my existence for at least a year. We’ve been purposefully slow in involving the children but would really like to move forward in introducing them now.

AIBU - ex-wife is within her right to refuse to meet me until May

AINBU - she’s taking the mickey a bit.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 11/01/2022 09:44

@DaffodilPot

I don’t think we’re jumping the gun in deciding we’d like to marry next year. We’ve not booked anything or planned anything but I wanted to be sure I wanted him to be a permanent part of my life before he met my kids.

It is definitely her saying May. I’ve seen him texting her and her replies coming in - people on here are so suspicious of everything!

The feedback seems to be that it would not be unreasonable to disregard ex-wife’s wishes here and meet my boyfriend’s child without seeing her first as she’s being obstructive.

Why jump to the word, “obstructive” And why isn’t their a third option which isn’t about “disregard” but just bloody discuss it and pick a date between Jan and May?
MiddleClassProblem · 11/01/2022 09:45

I think he needs to say back to her that that’s a very long wait and if she is unable to do it sooner then he’ll be introducing you before you meet her.

Darbs76 · 11/01/2022 09:45

I think he needs to go back and say that if she can’t meet you until May then he will be going ahead and introducing anyway. Don’t let her dictate this

YerWanIsGettinNotions · 11/01/2022 09:45

I think it’s up to your partner to set the tone, as mid May is taking the piss. He has to make it clear that he’s going to parent in his own way and that if he’s doing her a favour he’s not going to wait upon her to do it.

“Hi ex, we were actually thinking of introducing OP by the Feb half term so we can go on an outing then. It would be great if you could come back with any times that would suit you before then. If you’re super busy and it has to be May, we’ll go ahead with the half term plans with DD but OP is still looking forward to meeting you so we will keep it in the diary and have lunch with you then.”

FreshandLively · 11/01/2022 09:46

I think you've both tried to do the right thing and I understand she'd like to meet you (but doesn't get any say in DC meeting you if she decides she doesn't like you), but unfortunately as she hasn't been able to suggest a suitable date, that won't be possible.

Ultimately DP gets to decide who his DC meet when they're with him.

AlternativePerspective · 11/01/2022 09:46

But why did you wait two years to even discuss meeting his child?

The child will need to get used to the fact their dad has a new (to him) girlfriend, not only that, that he will likely have been playing daddy to the girlfriend’s kids who he never even knew existed until now. Although I hope to Christ you don’t live together yet.

And I’m suspicious because invariably the ex gets the blame for the man’s shit behaviour. And while I have absolutely no doubt that there are toxic ex’s out there, I also know that there are plenty of shit fathers out there who blame their ex’s for everything which goes wrong in their own lives.

Ultimately while the ex may have said she wants to meet you, he has still chosen not to introduce you to his child for 2 years. That has nothing to do with the ex. If he wanted you to meet his child, you would have by now.

And if he really is that downtrodden by his ex, then you have a lifetime of this ahead, in which case you need to ask yourself whether this is what you want the rest of your life to look like, where you are dancing to the tune of another woman.

MiddleClassProblem · 11/01/2022 09:47

@YerWanIsGettinNotions

I think it’s up to your partner to set the tone, as mid May is taking the piss. He has to make it clear that he’s going to parent in his own way and that if he’s doing her a favour he’s not going to wait upon her to do it.

“Hi ex, we were actually thinking of introducing OP by the Feb half term so we can go on an outing then. It would be great if you could come back with any times that would suit you before then. If you’re super busy and it has to be May, we’ll go ahead with the half term plans with DD but OP is still looking forward to meeting you so we will keep it in the diary and have lunch with you then.”

This is a really good way to word it.
Subulter · 11/01/2022 09:48

I don’t think we’re jumping the gun in deciding we’d like to marry next year. We’ve not booked anything or planned anything but I wanted to be sure I wanted him to be a permanent part of my life before he met my kids.

I'm not suggesting your kids should have met him on your second date or anything, but to me it seems pre-emptive to decide your futures are together before you've seen how he gets along with your (presumably young) children, and before you've even met his.

Unless both your children are on the cusp of leaving home, it's a big part of marriage, or the basis on which a marriage would work.

I've watched close up the heartbreak of someone I know who was very much in love with her second husband, and vice versa, but their children from previous relationships hated being a blended family, and her children didn't like him -- and they eventually split because of it.

BashStreetKid · 11/01/2022 09:48

The feedback seems to be that it would not be unreasonable to disregard ex-wife’s wishes here and meet my boyfriend’s child without seeing her first as she’s being obstructive.

I think the first step is to say to her that mid May is far too late, you want to abide by her wishes and meet her first but it has to happen by the end of January. If not, you will be meeting with his son anyway.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/01/2022 09:49

I wanted to be sure I wanted him to be a permanent part of my life before he met my kids.

I don’t understand this and I’m a step mum. I didn’t have DC but I wouldn’t have committed to DH being permanent in my life until I had a meaningful relationship with his DC and saw the gritty day to day parenting stuff going on to see if I liked it.

There’s waiting to make sure a new relationship isn’t a fling and committing before you’ve seen the full picture. You are jumping the gun. What if you can’t stand his son? What if you like him but your kids can’t stand him?

AuntieStella · 11/01/2022 09:49

It's your BF who needs to sort this out.

Has he made any suggestions about how to proceed?

RedCandyApple · 11/01/2022 09:51

Mumsnet is so strange, they normally judge anyone who introduces someone to their child quickly, but when someone waits they are also judged! And most people say wait till the relationship is serious before introducing, now it’s the opposite and introduce them before you get serious 🤯

BDavis · 11/01/2022 09:55

Gosh, she’s a busy lady isn’t she?! 🤣🤣 mid May 🤣

Personally I don’t think he should have asked his ex about you meeting. He can make that decision for his child himself. I would tell my DSs dad if I intended to introduce him to a partner but I wouldn’t ask and I know he’d do the same.

Your BF needs to talk to her. Send her a message. “I’m happy for you to meet DaffodilPot before DD does if that’s important to you. I will be introducing them on X date so let me know when you’re free before that if you wish to meet Daf first.”

YerWanIsGettinNotions · 11/01/2022 09:57

@RedCandyApple

Mumsnet is so strange, they normally judge anyone who introduces someone to their child quickly, but when someone waits they are also judged! And most people say wait till the relationship is serious before introducing, now it’s the opposite and introduce them before you get serious 🤯
It’s not at all strange when the context is that 6 months is generally accepted as a reasonable length of time.

People have lives to live and in this case their own children to help with any adjustment; hanging on indefinitely isn’t a benefit to any prospect success for of a blended family.

Suretobe · 11/01/2022 09:57

She doesn’t need to meet you first. You tried to arrange it as a courtesy and she wasn’t available so just crack on.

FelicityPike · 11/01/2022 10:00

This is all on your BF.
He could easily have had you meet his child long before now, but chose to put the blame for you not squarely at his ex’s feet.

Theunamedcat · 11/01/2022 10:07

Honestly this sounds like my permanently engaged ex husband and if it is he is lying to you I said you could meet ds ages ago now he is telling me you have a drinking problem (like his last fiance who was crackers) he is also telling me you have mental health issues he is trying to make me worry about you so I will react and he will have "proof" I'm Unreasonable but I'm not playing games I'm ignoring it

BTW he has two phones and texts himself putting that number under my name and other people's his ex girlfriend was shocked to realise this and as he deletes his messages daily all you see is a message of "mum" saying can you come over or a message off "me" making demands etc its very depressing

KurtWilde · 11/01/2022 10:09

@RedCandyApple

Mumsnet is so strange, they normally judge anyone who introduces someone to their child quickly, but when someone waits they are also judged! And most people say wait till the relationship is serious before introducing, now it’s the opposite and introduce them before you get serious 🤯
I was just thinking the same.
MahMahMahMahCorona · 11/01/2022 10:10

Just do it. She cannot dictate what the NRP does on his time rather like you (your OH) cannot dictate what she (RP) does on her time. This includes introducing other people to the DC, unless there's a proven safeguarding risk.

Subulter · 11/01/2022 10:17

@RedCandyApple

Mumsnet is so strange, they normally judge anyone who introduces someone to their child quickly, but when someone waits they are also judged! And most people say wait till the relationship is serious before introducing, now it’s the opposite and introduce them before you get serious 🤯
I think my issue with the situation described by the OP is less the timings than that she has decided to marry her partner before she'd ever met his son or has seen him parenting his son -- someone and something which will be a big part of her married life. It's not clear from her posts whether the decision to marry was before she introduced him to her own children.

It just seems like a big part of this man that she hasn't been able to see yet.

Glitterygreen · 11/01/2022 10:46

Tbh if she's delaying that long I'd expect bf to say "OK that's fine but obviously I won't be waiting that long to introduce DS to Daffodil|, so you'll be meeting her after he does."

She is just trying to maintain control over the situation, she should not be able to dictate when you meet your bf's son, it really is nothing to do with her.

ChargingBuck · 11/01/2022 10:52

BF asked ex-wife about introducing me to their DD.

Why?
What is wrong with their post-divorce relationship that he need his ex's permission?

You have waited 2 years, which is respectful & sensible.
he needs to stop running things past her as if she is the default parent, & start taking personal responsibility.

If he cannot do that, or is still controlled by her in any way - I would reconsider the entire relationship, frankly.

ChargingBuck · 11/01/2022 10:58

I don’t think we’re jumping the gun in deciding we’d like to marry next year.

Wow.
You're happy to marry a man who responds to his ex-wife as if she's his mummy, who is prepared to be bossed around with regards to his own parenting, who is too weak-willed/scared to assert his parental rights, & whose children you have never met?

That gun is long jumped.

3peassuit · 11/01/2022 10:59

It’s a good idea to take things slowly with young children but this is ridiculous. Your boyfriend needs to take control of the situation and introduce you to the DC. He doesn’t need the ex’s permission. He either steps up or you consider how committed to you he actually is.

BlingLoving · 11/01/2022 11:00

@DaffodilPot

We don’t need her permission, I just wanted everyone to be as happy with the situation as possible.

I guess the other option is for me to go ahead and meet DS anyway but that will probably really about her now he’s asked and she said she wanted to meet me first 🤯

well, her refusal to make any sort of effort means that your BF has no choice but to go over her head. Unless there's a massive backstory about his behaviour or arrangements with his ex, she's being ridiculous and he should introduce you to the DC.