to find it annoying when he asks for my consent all the time?

loveandroses · 2022-01-10T14:41:29+00:00

Lovely DP and I have a great relationship and love life. I have only one problem which is I find it really off-putting when he asks for my consent the whole time. Let me explain (slightly euphemistically so as not to scare the horses): If things get hot and steamy and he gets to within an inch from dtd, he stops and asks me if I want to carry on. I could just about bear that but then while we are dtd, if we change position he asks again. In fact he asks every time. I can see how this might make sense the first time you have sex with someone but every single time?? AIBU?

Vapeyvapevape · 10/01/2022 14:50

Has he ever had an experience where he's been accused of anything untoward?

eagerlywaitingfor · 10/01/2022 14:50

Have you asked him why he says it?

MaryAndHerNet · 10/01/2022 14:52

I don't think you need his consent to have a conversation with him about it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/01/2022 14:53

What’s he said when you’ve spoken to him about it?

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 10/01/2022 14:55

Speak to him before you get to the point you say it in a way that you don't mean to.

He sounds lovely though, making sure you're comfortable at all times.

musicfeedsmysoul · 10/01/2022 14:56

I think he sounds very caring but can see why it turn you off maybe take control and show him that you trust him fully and communicate to him how it feels good are you vocal with him maybe he worries his hurting you or he gets so into it his like wow omg I hope she is okay with this let me check 😅😂 other than that gag him make it your new kink

AgathaX · 10/01/2022 14:58

Talk to him about it?

housemaus · 10/01/2022 15:00

Oh, I think that's nice but I can see why it might feel unnecessary. How long have you been together?

Are you especially quiet/uncommunicative/passive during sex? Nothing wrong with that necessarily, I just wonder if he's trying to gauge your feeling on something because he's not getting obvious feedback.

Is he into kink/has experience in the kink scene? IME, it tends to be more laser-focused on consent as you go and maybe that's a habit he's got into.

He may also just have really taken in the message about needing enthusiastic consent (and the more upsetting stories about stuff like stealthing, and having internalised that as 'when anything during the sexual act changes, you need to seek consent).

Otherwise, I think you just have to speak to him and say: look, I love that you're so keen to make sure I'm consenting and happy but I promise you I feel able to indicate if I want something to change/stop/not go ahead, and I'd prefer to be a bit more spontaneous/fluid in our sex life.

Obviously if it's what he prefers or feels more comfortable with that's his prerogative and you'd have to decide if it was a dealbreaker, but he might just feel he's doing the right thing.

KO81 · 10/01/2022 15:33

I’m all for being clear around consent, but I’d go right off the boil if my H was constantly checking I was ok

DiddyHeck · 10/01/2022 15:35

So you've asked him to stop doing this, told him it's off putting and he still continues?

Original poster

loveandroses · 11/01/2022 11:07

He may also just have really taken in the message about needing enthusiastic consent (and the more upsetting stories about stuff like stealthing, and having internalised that as 'when anything during the sexual act changes, you need to seek consent).

I think that is exactly right. I haven't said anything to him, partly because I don't want to ruin the mood but also because he is clearly doing it for all the right reasons. I just don't want politically perfect sex.

OP posts:

Amara5 · 11/01/2022 11:09

I can see why he is doing this and would appreciate the thought if he was my partner, but it does make it feel a bit like sex is something he is doing to you, rather than something you're doing together.

user1363157897422457887532356 · 11/01/2022 11:09

Well, maybe your expectation that he should read your mind rather than communicating with him properly is why he feels he has to keep prompting you to communicate.

stuntbubbles · 11/01/2022 11:09

Have a conversation about it at a non-sexy time, so you can be clear without the mood getting tied in with the conversation.

Maybe suggest a safe word? That’s usually for kink but it might put him at ease to know that everything is OK and he has your enthusiastic consent without constantly asking if you knows you’ll shout “octopus” if anything is wrong. No octopus = a green light.

billy1966 · 11/01/2022 11:11

Perhaps agree a safe word so that it is abundantly clear to him that he has consent.

This should put you both at ease.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 11/01/2022 11:13

My son says he's never having another relationship if anything ever happens to his wife because he's too scared of being accused of something if there wasn't implicit consent. I think a lot of (decent) men are scared of this now.

SolasAnla · 11/01/2022 11:20

@loveandroses

He may also just have really taken in the message about needing enthusiastic consent (and the more upsetting stories about stuff like stealthing, and having internalised that as 'when anything during the sexual act changes, you need to seek consent).

I think that is exactly right. I haven't said anything to him, partly because I don't want to ruin the mood but also because he is clearly doing it for all the right reasons. I just don't want politically perfect sex.

Then woman up and give him what he apparently needs, start communicating with him! Try giving him some verbal encouragement to show that you are into what you are both doing. If he is having to check, he may be just as unhappy about having to stall and ask each time?

Regularsizedrudy · 11/01/2022 11:26

Put on your big girl pants and tell him then?

MelonTits · 11/01/2022 11:30

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

My son says he's never having another relationship if anything ever happens to his wife because he's too scared of being accused of something if there wasn't implicit consent. I think a lot of (decent) men are scared of this now.

Did you agree with him? I think he probably means explicit consent, anyway. Enthusiastic participation in the activity is a good indicator, I hope he knows that.

Christmastreejoy · 11/01/2022 11:35

I have explicitly given my husband my full consent unless I remove it. Could it be worth doing similar with your partner.

Ponoka7 · 11/01/2022 11:38

@Shehasadiamondinthesky, no 'decent' men do not fear this, they know how to get implicit consent. They also don't feed into the misinformation around false accusations.

OP, you need to communicate better. You should be conveying your needs.

Branleuse · 11/01/2022 11:39

You could maybe talk to him and say that you actuly really appreciaye that he does this and it makes you feel safe, but maybe you could find a word or a sign that didnt feel like it interrupted the moment as much. If youd prefer him to assume consent by body language and that youll tell him specifically if its a no

MilduraS · 11/01/2022 11:40

Out of curiosity, how old is he? 'My DH and I are early and mid 30s. We were talking about consent not so long ago and he said he'd be genuinely terrified of having sex with a girl if he went to uni these days. Having a blind drink one night stand only to be accused of assault seems so much more likely, or at least more likely to be taken seriously. I wonder if he's had that experience before.

MorningStarling · 11/01/2022 11:42

It's the culture now - men have been told time and time again that silence is not consent, an active verbal consent is necessary. Unfortunately the only men who've learnt the lessons tend to be the ones who weren't going round forcing themselves on women in the first place.

Ultimately though, we can only blame ourselves if men doing the things we've told them to do isn't a turn-on for us.

Tal45 · 11/01/2022 11:43

Tell him that you are happy to make it clear to him if you are at any time uncomfortable or don't want to do anything so he doesn't need to check anymore.