to find it annoying when he asks for my consent all the time?

[loveandroses]

Lovely DP and I have a great relationship and love life. I have only one problem which is I find it really off-putting when he asks for my consent the whole time. Let me explain (slightly euphemistically so as not to scare the horses):

If things get hot and steamy and he gets to within an inch from dtd, he stops and asks me if I want to carry on. I could just about bear that but then while we are dtd, if we change position he asks again. In fact he asks every time. I can see how this might make sense the first time you have sex with someone but every single time?? AIBU?

(but that you appreciate that he did)

Are you sure he's asking for consent, and not just a poor attempt at dirty talk/getting you to talk dirty by saying what you want?
The words might be the same, but maybe he thinks he's being sexy??

Explain to him that you no longer need to tell him "Yes", you only need to know that he'll respect "No".

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

My son says he's never having another relationship if anything ever happens to his wife because he's too scared of being accused of something if there wasn't implicit consent. I think a lot of (decent) men are scared of this now.

Those poor men.

My friend has similar, they started a hand squeeze where he squeezes her hand and if she's happy then she squeezes back. Takes half a second and no need to stop.

Ultimately though, we can only blame ourselves if men doing the things we've told them to do isn't a turn-on for us.

Wtf have I just read.

Blame ourselves because we don't like being raped?

And the other poster who's poor son doesn't want to be accused of SA, is he worried about being accused of other crimes too?

Ultimately though, we can only blame ourselves if men doing the things we've told them to do isn't a turn-on for us.

Seriously? We have to blame ourselves?

How about we blame the men who go around forcing themselves on women when it's not wanted.

Yes, there are lovely men out there who are scared of being falsely accused but I personally feel more sorry for the women like my DM who is constantly scared of being on her own, being around men and living her life to the full because she's been raped multiple times by bloody men who think it's okay to rape women.

I'd much rather men were worried and making sure they've got our consent than not.

Could you not have a chat on what positions, play etc are allowed and agree a safe word?

So if at any point you feel uncomfortable you use the safe word and he stops then and there?

@MorningStarling

It's the culture now - men have been told time and time again that silence is not consent, an active verbal consent is necessary. Unfortunately the only men who've learnt the lessons tend to be the ones who weren't going round forcing themselves on women in the first place.

Ultimately though, we can only blame ourselves if men doing the things we've told them to do isn't a turn-on for us.

There is no blame required here.

Your post is straight out of an Incel forum.

@errnerrcallnernnernnern

Could you not have a chat on what positions, play etc are allowed and agree a safe word?

So if at any point you feel uncomfortable you use the safe word and he stops then and there?

This.

A conversation about what is generally ok, what needs explicitly asked, and what is absolute no unless you initiate it/it's discussed well beforehand.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky does your son think a lot of men get accused of rape when they have consensual sex? Does he think a lot of men don't know when they are commiting rape? Does he find it difficult to know he's not commiting rape?

I think you'll find thus is not the attitude of a decent man. Also confused as to why he feels this is a pressing issue in his life when he's married

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

My son says he's never having another relationship if anything ever happens to his wife because he's too scared of being accused of something if there wasn't implicit consent. I think a lot of (decent) men are scared of this now.

I don’t think a decent man would ever consider that what he’s doing would be cause for being accused. Is he this dramatic about other things too? Has he stopped going into shops in case he gets accused of shoplifting or stopped going to work in case they think he’s embezzling?!

@MorningStarling

It's the culture now - men have been told time and time again that silence is not consent, an active verbal consent is necessary. Unfortunately the only men who've learnt the lessons tend to be the ones who weren't going round forcing themselves on women in the first place.

Ultimately though, we can only blame ourselves if men doing the things we've told them to do isn't a turn-on for us.

What absolute rubbish. Don't try and make it women's fault!

It's the culture now - men have been told time and time again that silence is not consent, an active verbal consent is necessary

There’s a huge difference between someone lying there silently and stiffly unable to say stop, and someone who’s clearly enjoying sex with their DP - any man who says he can’t tell the difference is being disingenuous.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

My son says he's never having another relationship if anything ever happens to his wife because he's too scared of being accused of something if there wasn't implicit consent. I think a lot of (decent) men are scared of this now.

🙄

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

My son says he's never having another relationship if anything ever happens to his wife because he's too scared of being accused of something if there wasn't implicit consent. I think a lot of (decent) men are scared of this now.

He sounds stupid.

I love that you're so keen to make sure I'm consenting and happy but I promise you I feel able to indicate if I want something to change/stop/not go ahead, and I'd prefer to be a bit more spontaneous/fluid in our sex life.

Say this to him OP. Not when you're DTD just sit down and have a conversation about it.

Talk to him when not having sex.

You need to have a conversation with him in a neutral time. Explain that the two of you have entered a phase in your relationship where consent does not have to be as explicitly stated.

I might also point out that you are an adult who is perfectly capable of expressing herself if she decides to revoke consent at any time. Constantly asking you to verbally consent is treating you like you have no agency or power.

@MorningStarling

It's the culture now - men have been told time and time again that silence is not consent, an active verbal consent is necessary. Unfortunately the only men who've learnt the lessons tend to be the ones who weren't going round forcing themselves on women in the first place.

Ultimately though, we can only blame ourselves if men doing the things we've told them to do isn't a turn-on for us.

It’s all our fault! poor men

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

My son says he's never having another relationship if anything ever happens to his wife because he's too scared of being accused of something if there wasn't implicit consent. I think a lot of (decent) men are scared of this now.

Bless him. You know he’s lying and will probably fuck anything that moves don’t you?

Jesus Christ some of the comments on here. Poor poor men scared to have sex eh? Fuck me. As for the son who's worried about how he's gonna shag around even though he's married..well words fail me! I've been raped twice, not to mention the other times at uni I was groped, had gross comments made to me, etc. If men stopped being disgusting (and yes of course some men are fine) then we wouldn't need to worry so much about what explicit consent is and isn't.

Op, no idea why you needed to start a thread on this, why don't you just sit him down and tell him what you said here. You're grown adults, if you are comfortable enough to be shagging him you should be able to have a conversation with him.

Well you have two options, you either get more overtly enthusiastic in bed " that feels good, yes- just like that, I love it when you do that" etc or you sit him down and either explain that he has your consent as PP mentioned, or ask him to at least rephrase it into more appealing wording ie - "does it feel good when I do that? I want to do X so that I can go deeper, tell me how much you want me to do that" but that will still involve you speaking up a bit.
I love that he's checking in, I just think you maybe need to give him more explicit cues if you don't want the questioning...

Tbf this is exactly what I told my teen ds they should do….

Over the top, maybe. But how many times do you read that partner did X and Y. I wasn’t confortable but didn’t dare say anything because it would ruin the mood/whatever?

YADNU.

Men are not stupid. They know what the word 'NO' means and they can tell when someone is physically trying to push someone away or reluctant to do something in the first place.

This whole "Oh, I better keep asking lest I be accused of sexual assault" strikes me as passive aggressive. A guy who does that doesn't care about his partner's pleasure. He doesn't even notice it, because he is too busy covering his own ass. "Just in case".

In either case, it's a huge turn off and I would not be staying with a guy like that.