to find it annoying when he asks for my consent all the time?

[loveandroses]

Lovely DP and I have a great relationship and love life. I have only one problem which is I find it really off-putting when he asks for my consent the whole time. Let me explain (slightly euphemistically so as not to scare the horses):

If things get hot and steamy and he gets to within an inch from dtd, he stops and asks me if I want to carry on. I could just about bear that but then while we are dtd, if we change position he asks again. In fact he asks every time. I can see how this might make sense the first time you have sex with someone but every single time?? AIBU?

Can you just ask him not to and say that if you don't want to do something you will tell him or say no

Reminds me of the Alan Partridge sketch

Just talk to him!

My son says he's never having another relationship if anything ever happens to his wife because he's too scared of being accused of something if there wasn't implicit consent. I think a lot of (decent) men are scared of this now.

It's the culture now - men have been told time and time again that silence is not consent, an active verbal consent is necessary. Unfortunately the only men who've learnt the lessons tend to be the ones who weren't going round forcing themselves on women in the first place.

Ultimately though, we can only blame ourselves if men doing the things we've told them to do isn't a turn-on for us.

/boak

For everyone saying that men they know are so scared of false rape allegations, you have to stop feeding into this rhetoric. The chance of a man being falsely accused of rape is something like 0.0002% in fact he’s more likely to be raped himself than be false accused. This is just another way of men refusing to accept responsibility and putting it right back on women.
If a man is scared of being falsely accused maybe he should take a minute to think about all the rape cases that don’t even make it to court, all the times the blame is put back on victims and what it feels like to know or as all the women he knows how often they have been scared just walking down their blood road at night and then really think about how scary it is being a man in this day and age 🙄. Poor men my fat arse, I’m not having that at all.

Sorry some of that didn’t make sense, hopefully you get the gist

@slashlover

My friend has similar, they started a hand squeeze where he squeezes her hand and if she's happy then she squeezes back. Takes half a second and no need to stop.

Practical advice there.

@MorningStarling

It's the culture now - men have been told time and time again that silence is not consent, an active verbal consent is necessary. Unfortunately the only men who've learnt the lessons tend to be the ones who weren't going round forcing themselves on women in the first place.

Ultimately though, we can only blame ourselves if men doing the things we've told them to do isn't a turn-on for us.

Aren't you the poster who said the other day that it wouldn't be fine if women in prison were made to share a cell with a transwoman, because prisoners aren't normal people and the threat of rape might stop women committing crimes?

Why yes, you are: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4442520-to-think-that-men-shouldn-t-be-named-as-women-in-newspapers-if-they-have-committed-sexual-offences?pg=9

"Prisons are not nice places, they're not meant to be nice places, the fear of getting locked up with a transgender rapist for 23 hours a day serves as a good deterrent not to be sent to prison in the first place. I don't want them to abuse a female prisoner, I don't want them to abuse anyone - but if they do, better their victim be a prisoner than a normal person."

Starling? More like a vulture.

Talk to him. Ask him why he keeps asking.

How he does sex is far less important than how you communicate.

Oh and OP...have a chat with him and agree on a safe word. Doesn't sound like you'll need to use it, but it will reassure him that as long as you're not saying it, he's good to continue. "Red" is a good one.

s/wouldn't/would. MorningStarling thinks it WOULD be fine to lock women up with transgender rapists as a deterrent. What exactly the deterrent would be to rapists, the little bird does not say.

I think most people (men included) are capable of understanding that it's not okay to forge on ahead with a new person without being damn sure they're consenting, but it's perfectly fine to "read the room" with someone you have experience with and "assume consent", if she isn't objecting, is engaging/reciprocating, and is conscious.

It might be awkward, but speaking to him is the only way to get him to stop asking.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

My son says he's never having another relationship if anything ever happens to his wife because he's too scared of being accused of something if there wasn't implicit consent. I think a lot of (decent) men are scared of this now.

Bullshit

Wow, some of the comments on this thread. No decent man I know lives his life in fear of being falsely accused of rape.

And either way, it pales in comparison to the number of victims who live their lives in fear of being raped!

Men are more likely to be raped than be falsely accused of rape anyway. Ridiculous. Seems weird to be scared of being accused of rape unless you are a rapist or something...

Enthusiastic consent? Obviously it's against MN rules to make any noise whilst enjoying sex (as it's too showy offy apparently) but if you are (reasonably) vocally enjoying yourself consent is at least clear and doesn't have to delay things that are flowing smoothly.

How about you just talk to the bloke and both agree that if one of you says no, you stop?

Seems bonkers to post on Mumsnet about it instead.

I'm just wondering how many times the women who spout this nonsense have been having sex with a man and been unsure as to whether he's consenting? How many times do lesbians/bisexuality women have this issue?

Personally never. It's just more gaslighting by men who pretend it's incredibly difficult to determine if someone is consenting to sex. I'd be concerned about socialising with a man who wasn't sure if he was raping women or not

Can you talk to him when you're not in bed, and make a deal about what you like and don't like, your hard and soft boundaries, and give him your consent to go ahead unless you verbalise otherwise if and when they change in future. It's really all down to communication, it's coming from a good place and it seems like he's looking for reassurance, maybe you could meet him half way and clear up any uncertanties.

@DrSbaitso

s/wouldn't/would. MorningStarling thinks it WOULD be fine to lock women up with transgender rapists as a deterrent. What exactly the deterrent would be to rapists, the little bird does not say.

not envy.

I'm intrigued by all these men who got to the year 2022 before it occurred to them that there might be safety concerns when going home with someone you don't know very well. I'm certainly not blaming women who have been attacked. I'm just wondering what it must be like to have been able to wait this long before it ever crossed your mind that you might need to consider risks to sexual safety.

And the idea that we should be stunned to hear that some men are choosing not to have sex they might enjoy because they can't be sure their partner is safe. Goodness, what must that be like?

@loveandroses

He may also just have really taken in the message about needing enthusiastic consent (and the more upsetting stories about stuff like stealthing, and having internalised that as 'when anything during the sexual act changes, you need to seek consent).

I think that is exactly right. I haven't said anything to him, partly because I don't want to ruin the mood but also because he is clearly doing it for all the right reasons. I just don't want politically perfect sex.

The best time to ask would be at some random time during the day, not while you are mid-activity (so to speak).

Good for him. It's probably a bit far when long-term married but gosh isn't this nice.

Just let him know that it's not necessary and you'll let him know if you're not feeling it. Or come up with another system like the hand squeeze mentioned above.

Maybe better communication in general during sex would be useful. Do you usually stay completely silent?

Yes just talk to him and create a clearly defined way for you to stop it if you dont want to continue

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

My son says he's never having another relationship if anything ever happens to his wife because he's too scared of being accused of something if there wasn't implicit consent. I think a lot of (decent) men are scared of this now.

No decent man is frightened of this. Decent men understand boundaries and consent.

@DrSbaitso

s/wouldn't/would. MorningStarling thinks it WOULD be fine to lock women up with transgender rapists as a deterrent. What exactly the deterrent would be to rapists, the little bird does not say.

I’m appalled at that poster’s stance. I’ve worked with female inmates and my god, most of them are extremely vulnerable and in there for crimes borne of addiction or total desperation. Not all, obviously but in the main? Abso-fucking-lutely.

Over the top, maybe. But how many times do you read that partner did X and Y. I wasn’t confortable but didn’t dare say anything because it would ruin the mood/whatever?

Bit of a difference though, since women don't know when ruining the mood could change to violence. That's not the same kind of concern at all.