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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I in the wrong here or partner re walk

134 replies

Ieattoomuchsugar · 10/01/2022 06:56

We went out for a walk, was quite a high ascent but made it to the top which was great.

We started our descent and then it began getting dark around 4:30pm. The choice was either a road which would take a bit longer or a dirt path. I said we should go on the road as it's safer in the dark and my partner was adamant that the other path was shorter.

We took it and it was essentially a steep downhill mudslide in the dark for large parts of it. I admit I was pretty scared as we had a torch but didn't know the path and we kept slipping over despite having walking boots on. I just felt it was unsafe and we could have injured ourselves. It was a bit terrifying at the time.
We made it out but I was saying to my partner that we should have taken the road as it's safer, at least we made it.
Maybe I was overreacting but I have a bit of a phobia of falling whereas my partner is less afraid and doesn't worry.
If this situation arises again should I just take the safer road on my own ? Or just get over it ?

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 10/01/2022 09:39

DH does organised walks of this nature.

You go with the option that reflects the ability of the weakest member of your group, otherwise you put everyone (particularly the least experienced) more at risk.

You were not well prepared, so again that favours the safer route by the road.

When in doubt take the safer option.

Him putting you outside your comfort zone and then berating you for it is a sure fire way to cause problems. Everyone in a group should be respected and feel able to state they don't have the confidence / ability to do something - for the safety of everyone.

Your husband is a dick who really doesn't have the relevant experience to be leading in this way.

bongsuhan · 10/01/2022 09:41

If you had persuaded him to take the road and susequently nearly been run over by cars that couldn't see you, he'd be asking who was unreasonable and everybody would be agreeing that the path would have been much safer...

helpfulperson · 10/01/2022 09:41

Taxi companies in hill areas are very used to picking people up at roadsides when things don't go according to plan.

Barbarantia · 10/01/2022 09:43

It's done now. As a previous poster said, don't fall out over it. Next time be prepared.
You need to know daylight hours and extreme temperatures for the day as well as wind speed and terrain and a rough guide on how long the trek might be.
Depends how much of a leisure it is. Romantic walk? Take a simple round route. Exercise and exploring needs more prep.
Advanced exoloring would need additional equipment and nutrition planning.
We all make these mistakes at least once. You are not alone.

Leftbutcameback · 10/01/2022 09:49

@fairylightsandwaxmelts - that’s a scary experience. Hope your dad recovers well.

Leftbutcameback · 10/01/2022 09:51

Walking poles are a great idea - I did a flat walk recently which was incredibly slippery. Wish I’d had them.

Themadcatparade · 10/01/2022 09:53

Sounds like your partner wanted the quickest route. It happens and wasn't the best choice but neither of you was to know which one was the best choice? You could have taken a road and been ages and been kicking yourself not taken that road? But may it be a lesson to both of you especially him. Safety first always. And never walk on your own that would have left him struggling and both of you exposed to the risk of getting lost.

Maybe be more assertive next time? Put your foot down if your intuition is calling you.

Me and my partner are regular mountain walkers and a few months back we was doing one in not too great conditions, rain and fog. We got a little disorientated via OS maps and my partner looked at the satellite and thought he found a route which was quicker and more direct. I wasn't sure and wanted to follow the planned route but he was adamant. So I went against my better mind.

He led us in to a grade 2 gully which we only realised what we had done when it was too dangerous to turn back. We had no climbing aid and we had to cling on to grass at one point to keep from slipping. The most frightening experience of my life and it took us a good hour and a half scrambling up this gulley with no view of whether we would be stuck and have to call mountain rescue at the top. Luckily the ledge was doable to get over and we got over. I cried and cling to him and we made a vow to stick to the main route always! We were very very lucky that day. Don't be us, and use your wits. But don't punish him for it either he wasn't to know.

Themadcatparade · 10/01/2022 09:56

Also get yourselves some decent head torches these dark nights can creep up on you. We prefer to have a later start and night hikes/night camp but we make sure we are kitted out for it (apart from the rope we didn't have of course!)

Butchyrestingface · 10/01/2022 09:58

Have you posted about your walking experiences with your partner before, OP?

This all sounds very familiar.

KohlaParasaurus · 10/01/2022 09:58

Your DP admitted afterwards that he should have done what you suggested. That's your answer. I'd file it under "lessons learned for next time" and let it go.

DH and I were both experienced hikers when we met and in our first few years together he sometimes made overconfident route choices. What you describe sounds quite familiar. We sorted it out and it's been a long time since he tried to stretch my boundaries on the fells.

raspberrymuffin · 10/01/2022 10:01

I'd have taken the road personally - it's way too easy to get accidentally diverted down a sheep track or something on an unfamiliar route in the dark and end up miles from the car.

landofgiants · 10/01/2022 10:02

Just learn from it. Buy a head torch. A head torch allows you to see where you are putting your feet, whilst leaving your hands free (it is always worth having one in your pack/pocket when hill walking in winter). Making bad decisions and then learning from them, is part of becoming an experienced hill walker and I'm sure most of us have experienced something similar at some stage.

However, if your DP makes a habit of being an arse about these things, then you need to find someone else to go walking with!

lottiegarbanzo · 10/01/2022 10:03

You need to recognise your own limits and assert them.

He needs to listen to your assessment of your limitations and believe you. Not bully you into ignoring your own judgement and doing what he prefers.

Unless he is a very experienced mountain guide (which he obviously isn't), he is in no position to be guiding a 'passenger' i.e. someone who has stated they are not competent or confident to take his chosen route, down a mountain. (And of course a guide would not do this, they'd work to the abilities of the least capable person, as that's the only safe thing to do).

AryaStarkWolf · 10/01/2022 10:04

There's nothing irrational about your fear, it was perfectly reasonable. Agree with others that maybe try to leave earlier next time so it isn't an issue but if it did happen again, do what makes you feel safe, YWNBU

Pr1mr0se · 10/01/2022 10:09

I think your partner could have made a different decision with you if you had made him aware/ reminded him of your phobia. Sounds like the decision was made in order to get home quickly not to scare you.

DilemmaDelilah · 10/01/2022 10:14

I once went to Lundy Island with a former boyfriend. It is a long thin island with cliffs/steep drops in all sides. We walked down a path in the middle of the island - all good. He wanted to walk back via one of the cliff paths... I told him I was terrified of heights - he still did it. (He was an arse) Like a fool I started walking with him but after about 5 minutes of my getting progressively more scared and tearful I decided to go back to the main path via a side path on my own. Definitely the right thing to do! I would definitely have taken the road.

Thirtytimesround · 10/01/2022 10:15

Well obviously you were right. I suspect DH found the mudslide in the dark exciting and felt very manly 🙄

What gets me though (and I have this in my marriage too) is where the man wants one thing and the woman wants another, and there’s no right or wrong to it just different preferences, the man always ends up getting his way. And if as here his idea doesn’t work out he will ever ever admit his idea was anything other than pure genius.

Bluntness100 · 10/01/2022 10:24

@Thirtytimesround

Well obviously you were right. I suspect DH found the mudslide in the dark exciting and felt very manly 🙄

What gets me though (and I have this in my marriage too) is where the man wants one thing and the woman wants another, and there’s no right or wrong to it just different preferences, the man always ends up getting his way. And if as here his idea doesn’t work out he will ever ever admit his idea was anything other than pure genius.

Actually in my marriage and all my friends marriages and relationships it’s the woman who calls it.

Op, i also think the issue here is not which road, but rhe fact you were both so unprepared.

shrodingersvaccine · 10/01/2022 10:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

BoredZelda · 10/01/2022 10:28

I’d probably have preferred the risk

Just as well we have mountain rescue, eh?

landofgiants · 10/01/2022 10:36

The descent is almost always the hardest part of the walk, and where the vast majority of accidents happen.

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 10/01/2022 10:44

I think he was wrong and unkind to insist on something that made you feel unsafe but I think it's always best to stay as a pair rather than separate.

KittyRedSocks · 10/01/2022 11:02

So did your OH also enjoy the mud bath?! Because if no, then surely he'll think twice about suggesting idiot routes. Is it at all likely he would feel like an idiot now & doesn't want to admit it? You go hiking to hike, in the main you'd always aim to avoid a mud-slurry-wash. And potentially dangerous falls & bone fractures in an inaccessible dark area. Page One, book one....Wink

ConstanceL · 10/01/2022 11:25

I don't think either of you were in the wrong in the situation you found yourselves in (although you were both at fault in not taking into account sunset) - I would have the same mindset as you OP as I always worry about falling down slopes even in the daytime, but my DH would have thought the same as yours - get down as quickly as possible. No harm done this time, but I'm sure you have learnt your lesson about better planning!

User48751490 · 10/01/2022 12:41

@fallfallfall

I’d consider ending the relationship with someone who didn’t think my safety a priority. The tarmac was the safer option.
If this happened routinely, fair enough but it was a one off by sounds of it. Surely not a deal-breaker for the relationship?