Just tried online dating-feel sick

[Itsallabitwank]

Going through a separation, not interested in meeting anyone but thought I’d have a look at a dating site. Felt so weird putting my *Description in of what I’m like and am looking for, then scrolling through faces..none of which looked appealing to me.
Feeling bit scared, I’m 44 with a young daughter, am I destined to be alone forever?
Did anyone meet their other half a bit later on in a more natural situation?
I’m not against OD i just don’t think it will be for me

Why do you ‘feel sick’ OP?

All the best op

@KloppsTeeth

My friend has had loads of success meeting men by signing up to do night classes at college. She is, in her own words, rubbish at practical stuff, but she signed up to do beginners/DIY courses on carpentry, plumbing and plastering. Not only has she learnt new skills, but she had lots of nice dates. Some of the men on the courses were really nice, I met a few she had on dates. She met her partner on the plumbing course, and bonus she has learnt some DIY skills

The courses were really cheap, some initiative that the council were doing.

Give yourself some time, and when you’re ready have a look to see if there is anything like that in your area?

Now this sounds more like my kind of kidney!

I didnt think that this sort of thing was done any more, looking into it locally.

Turns out that Cathy and Claire had it right when they suggested "join a youth club or evening class" :o

@PyongyangKipperbang men in their natural habitat!
She did something like this.
www.sthelens.ac.uk/courses/construction/935-adult-construction-courses/557-level-1-diploma-in-plastering-adults

My story was that i joined a dating site whilst going through divorce (lived like housemates for many years so all emotion was gone way before that) and met someone fairly soon. We chatted for about a month and all that time he had no idea how i looked like as i didn’t put a pic on my profile. We then moved to whatsapp and met soon after and been together for some 7 months now and he is a very decent bloke, the only issue is he wants to see me more often than i can given all the commitments with kids, work etc. So it is possible to find someone good that way.

@Itsallabitwank

Going through a separation, not interested in meeting anyone but thought I’d have a look at a dating site. Felt so weird putting my *Description in of what I’m like and am looking for, then scrolling through faces..none of which looked appealing to me. Feeling bit scared, I’m 44 with a young daughter, am I destined to be alone forever? Did anyone meet their other half a bit later on in a more natural situation? I’m not against OD i just don’t think it will be for me

Sounds like you are not ready. TBH I think it’s far too early to be looking given that you are still going through a separation and have a young child. Concentrate on yourself and prioritise your daughter over getting another man. There’s still plenty of time yet for that, and you might actually enjoy being single.

My friend (over 60) met a lovely bloke through a walking group, she was very happily singe, wasn't actively looking but they met and fell in love 😍

How do you all have the courage for the first meet up though? I can’t imagine it, what if the guy thought I wasn’t great looking or if he was awful or weird? Where do you arrange a meet up and how long for? What if you need to escape

Just grit your teeth and get on with it. Or if you can't do that, ask yourself if you're really ready to date. Stick to a brief pre-date, just meet for a coffee. Once you've drunk one cup, if you don't like him, leave. So what if he thinks you're not great or you think he isn't? That can happen at any point when you meet anyone. Hopefully at some point you'll meet someone and it will click, but you can't do that without taking a risk.

There are people on all the sites including the laid for sites that are just after sex so I wouldn’t say any of them are “shagging sites”, you will find a mixture on all of them, it’s a bit like looking for a needle in a hay stack trying to find what you want.

When I was going through divorce I joined, mainly because I wanted to meet new people, go on dates and have sex. I was not ready for a serious relationship because I was still recovering and getting used to single life. At the beginning I was going in around one date a week (occasionally 2), made several good friends, slept with a few people and met a few not so nice people. I have had a few short relationships but not found the one. I’m now happily single and it would take someone really amazing to change that. Dating is very different for me now, I’m very picky and rarely go on a date, someone has to tick almost all my boxes before I consider a date.

@OnwardsAndSideways1

I had a similar experience to *@thepeopleversuswork*, first time around I was too vulnerable and didn't understand how the sites worked or that lots of people are chatting to lots of people and they may just disappear/be in a relationship already/not quite ready for a new relationship/like chatting online but don't want to meet up.

Second time around, I am much wiser to the whole thing, and the second it starts to make me feel negative about myself, I just stop. I find it entertaining more than anything.

Thing is- dating sites are people like yourself! You aren't really ready to date and would probably not want to go through with chatting, then dating, then starting a whole new relationship today, so other people on there may well be the same. The biggest problem with the sites is not married men IMO, there are a few but on the bigger reputable sites they all require photos and most require more than one and quite nice ones to get a response, so that puts the marrieds off- the biggest problem is people who are doing online dating as they are (like you) just separated, or unsure whether to split, or need an ego boost, but really aren't in a position to start a new emotional and physical long term relationship. Others who are then try to match with them and it all ends in tears.

You can't walk into any old bar, glance around for half an hour and then declare there's no-one in there for you ever. How long did it take you to find your previous partner? If it's months or years, that's what it could be like in online dating.

I'd also second the person that said you don't have to go online at all- try MeetUp for groups in your area, including singles ones or hobbies ones or pets ones, or single walking groups, speed dating, there's lots of ways to meet people beyond just hoping for the best.

I would wait a bit til the stress dies down and then read up around how to online date, create a good profile, nice pictures, so you actually stand a good chance of meeting a few nice people. I've met a few, none have been Mr Right, but they weren't sleazy or bad or anything, just nice normal guys! But I don't meet for evening things, or drink or anything on a first date as I don't want to get caught in a situation I don't want to be in, so it's partly how you want to play things- it's all your choice. Including not to online date at all!

This is a really good post

I forgot to say it was a paid for site I had bad experience with. 3 of the 4 including the married one were from eharmony and the other was on Hinge.

Whilst I didn't get dick pics I don't think paying for sites gets rid of the dodgy ones.

I didn't try POF or Tinder because H's hideous mates were on there and lived up to the stereotypes of those sites.

Bumble? That's a laugh, didn't really want to make the first move but ended up having to anyway!

Re married men and people living like housemates it could be that the bloke I was talking to was in that kind of arrangement I do know that he was living in one of the most expensive parts of the country and finding it expensive to move out but there was something insincere about him and I don't know if I'd want to date someone who was still living with thier ex.

Also another thought occurred to me about how I was searching on OLD. I think too many would slip through the net that could potentially be decent if you met them in RL.

Example, Tom Hardy is my age and has me a bit weak at the knees but I'd swipe past him on OLD for being under 6ft tall, teetotal and being into martial arts!

I don't know if I'll reconcile with H or not but if I don't, I'll be getting myself down the technical college for an adult education brochure as soon as I'm fully healed.

I'm getting myself to one of these DIY classes! Great call!

Come back to the thread to report how you get on @Fitzroygurl10087

I did OLD on and off for 20 years. Had varying degrees of success but it was only when I felt genuinely happy in myself and was able to put really strong boundaries in place that I met someone (on bumble).

My rules:

1. Don’t get into a conversation with someone if the only thing you like about their profile is that they’re good-looking.

1. Don’t get into a conversation with someone who doesn’t meet any of your deal-breakers (mine is that I can’t have children, so no point talking to someone who wants his own / more of his own).

1. Don’t get into a conversation with someone who has an empty profile or one with just a couple of words. For me this was a way of being more confident that I wanted to spend time getting to know that person.

1. Don’t try to prolong a conversation if they’re giving one word answers or not asking you any questions, or if you feel you’re putting in more effort than them.

1. Dick pictures / moving conversation onto sex at a speed you’re not comfortable with = instant block and delete.

1. Meet in person asap. No point messaging for weeks just to find out there’s no chemistry.

It can be v difficult when you’re lonely and bored and fed up. I had to really think about what I wanted and what I was willing to compromise on. I was very very picky on who I talked to, but I’m now with someone interesting, funny, intelligent - and very kind. Those are the characteristics I was looking for.

Good luck

@thickthighs73

Sorry I hate to tell you but if they are free “dating” sites for example POF most are attached just after a shag. Serious daters tend to use the paid for sites. Sadly that’s the reality

@thickthighs73 - sorry but in my experience you get a lot of not serious daters also using the paid for sites - I've had at least 2-3 experiences with that and so have friends.

Friend met her now DH I think 6 months (yes very soon!) after her DH died of cancer, on POF but she thinks she was lucky (and so does he!).

Where single mums (and divorced) have met people are in following order:-

• bar
• Bar
• at school - she was lunch time assistant/dinner lady he was TA
• jogging round park - he approached her
• at locksmiths - he worked there - she needed new locks!
• soft play area - their DC were similar ages and they just got chatting.

@BertramLacey

How do you all have the courage for the first meet up though? I can’t imagine it, what if the guy thought I wasn’t great looking or if he was awful or weird? Where do you arrange a meet up and how long for? What if you need to escape

Just grit your teeth and get on with it. Or if you can't do that, ask yourself if you're really ready to date. Stick to a brief pre-date, just meet for a coffee. Once you've drunk one cup, if you don't like him, leave. So what if he thinks you're not great or you think he isn't? That can happen at any point when you meet anyone. Hopefully at some point you'll meet someone and it will click, but you can't do that without taking a risk.

agreed with @BertramLacey - you need to get on with it and arrange a meet up - usually for 30 minutes or it can be an hour. Some people do a whole night meeting which I think is too much.

You could do a walk in the park. coffee or a drink in a local pub.

As @BertramLacey says just treat it casually - I used to treat it almost like a job interview - asking them things we hadn't covered in dating site chats or on Whatsapp. I'd also go to a venue sometimes which had interesting things there to talk about, or good music. And agreed, if things aren't going well after one coffee or a drink then leave but if not then stay a bit and chat.

Another one I thought of and how I've met my current boyfriend. A friend of mine (hadn't seen her for years mind you!) invited me out with her friends - 2 were men and foodies. I had no idea what they were like but now years later things are going very well with one of the men and my friend wouldn't be friends with him if he wasn't nice. So any friends with single men friends you can ask to be introduced to them. Casually how I did it is best though as then no pressure on either side.

@Thatldo

I personally would rather join a meet up group(sport/dance/walk et).

Works fine if you're young, but if you're not the people you meet there are likely to be taken already.

I've had a couple of goes at OLD, when in my mid to late fifties.
A couple of things I learned were that, although initially you may not be attracted to any of the profiles you see, there are people who hide their profiles, and then suddenly appear one day, after they have checked your profile out!
So don't be put off if you feel nobody appeals to you, others are lurking that you haven't seen yet!
People's true colours will show, eventually. This is true whether you're meeting them from an online site, at the bus stop, club, pub, or if you're neighbours or a friend of a friend.

You can give it up at any time if it's not suiting you, and rejoin later or never. You are in control, just trust your instincts.

I finally met a lovely man on a dating site. He was one of those who hid their own profile until he saw a profile (mine) that he liked the look of!
We've been together for just over 4 years.

Online dating can work, when the time is right. For me, there were many emotions and conflicts to work through, but got there in the end.

"Gym, out shopping, through work/friends?"

When did people really ever meet when out shopping?

@ghostmouse

I’m way to ugly to go on dating sites 😂

Not that I want to for a long long time but men only want photogenic, sexy looking women not an ugly old double chinned bag like me.

I’m 44 too. I’m much better off meeting someone in the flesh, I found the love of my life at work/walking group at 41

I'm 44 too and wouldn't put myself on a dating site because there's nothing good to advertise about myself. Unfortunately walking groups and all groups are severely restricted where I live now. I haven't met a friend of a friend of either sex in a couple of years because socialising has either been just a small group of friends or has had to be a small group because of Covid rules. There is no hope for me.

"I didnt think that this sort of thing was done any more, looking into it locally."

Whenever I've been to evening classes, everybody goes home straight after.

"* jogging round park - he approached her"

OMG. I thought that would be considered harassment.

@Gwenhwyfar

"* jogging round park - he approached her"

OMG. I thought that would be considered harassment.

@Gwenhwyfar - well maybe... but seeing as they're now happily married she can't have been too bothered by it.

"seeing as they're now happily married she can't have been too bothered by it."

Well, no, but I guess not that many nice men are going to do it...
(Irrelevant to me anyway as I look at my very worst when exercising)