Just tried online dating-feel sick

[Itsallabitwank]

Going through a separation, not interested in meeting anyone but thought I’d have a look at a dating site. Felt so weird putting my *Description in of what I’m like and am looking for, then scrolling through faces..none of which looked appealing to me.
Feeling bit scared, I’m 44 with a young daughter, am I destined to be alone forever?
Did anyone meet their other half a bit later on in a more natural situation?
I’m not against OD i just don’t think it will be for me

Went on OLD when it wasn’t really a thing. Separated at 38. it did take me until I was 43 to meet DH, on a site called Dating Direct,. In the meantime, I met liars, commitment phobes and just really incompatible people (no one’s fault) both online and in RL. I think I was just lucky that we were both on the site at the same time. Been together 18 years now, he brought my boys up as his own, he has four children of his own (older than mine) and I can honestly say we have all been fine with each other and both love our vast army of grandchildren.
Please don’t despair,: you’ve loads of life ahead

Just know you're not alone in your boat op xx

What’s wrong with pof?

I had a couple of friends a few years ago who separated and were worried to try it and I remember getting excited for them and almost a little envious at what fun and choices they’d have. Now I wonder what the hell I was thinking!

@thepeopleversuswork Was he equally seeing it as a necessary evil and not particularly wanting to be on there?
I’m wondering how the good, decent guys feel about going on it

@Shyla867 Thank you 🙏

I've been on pof twice in my dating life, once about 7 years ago before I got with my daughters father and again this time, I joined a couple of weeks.
I'd say it's about 70% perverts on there.
You really have to sift through all the crap to actually find someone with a degree of intellect, reasonably good looking and can hold a conversation past "hi".
I'm still sifting!

@Itsallabitwank

What’s wrong with pof?

I had a couple of friends a few years ago who separated and were worried to try it and I remember getting excited for them and almost a little envious at what fun and choices they’d have. Now I wonder what the hell I was thinking!

It massively depends on your state of mind OP though. I remember when I first tried it I found the sort of sleazy behaviour that goes on with OD really intrusive and upsetting - it made me want to cry. (Nothing really unpleasant but things like blokes asking me what I am wearing etc.)

A year and a half later I found it hilarious.

If you're fresh out of a committed relationship you're in a very different mindset and not really equipped to deal with that sort of thing.

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying people should ever have to tolerate sleazy behaviour. But when you're starting out with it you tend to take it personally and think its a reflection of you. It just seems to bring out the worst in most men and after a while you get much better at dealing with it.

I met mine on POF..if you met him now you’d think he was the nicest, caring man ever. He carried on being that for a long time..then when he’d got me hooked in he showed himself as a narcissistic man baby who has subsequently after 5rs ghosted me after something minor he did wrong.
I despair and it also panics me that people can be so cunning. I wish you the best

To answer your other question I think my current boyfriend also saw it as a necessary evil.

I think any bloke who is actually looking for a committed relationship, has a brain and is not an utter sleaze is bound to find it a bit much at times. But that said blokes tend to be better at shrugging that sort of thing off. Also I doubt they get sent as many unsolicited pictures of women's genitals

It must be a time thing but yes I did expect the blokes to be in the same situation although ironically the bloke who ghosted me spent ages banging on about other women who had ghosted him!

I'm off them all now. Especially since H found me on there but I'd stopped using them ages before that just forgot to delete them. Incidentally it's really hard to get rid of some of the apps.

Anyway I hope I won't be using them again and can't see them changing.

You should try bumble op, I think that's marginally better than pof.

I met my husband on plenty of fish 12 years ago.
Maybe I was just really lucky, I couldn't ask for a better husband.

I was dead against it for a long time. I stayed single for quite a few years and thought I'd be alone forever. Just me and the young DC. It turned out I just wasn't ready and actually when I was ready I went on OLD and met my amazing bf.

I had a similar experience to @thepeopleversuswork, first time around I was too vulnerable and didn't understand how the sites worked or that lots of people are chatting to lots of people and they may just disappear/be in a relationship already/not quite ready for a new relationship/like chatting online but don't want to meet up.

Second time around, I am much wiser to the whole thing, and the second it starts to make me feel negative about myself, I just stop. I find it entertaining more than anything.

Thing is- dating sites are people like yourself! You aren't really ready to date and would probably not want to go through with chatting, then dating, then starting a whole new relationship today, so other people on there may well be the same. The biggest problem with the sites is not married men IMO, there are a few but on the bigger reputable sites they all require photos and most require more than one and quite nice ones to get a response, so that puts the marrieds off- the biggest problem is people who are doing online dating as they are (like you) just separated, or unsure whether to split, or need an ego boost, but really aren't in a position to start a new emotional and physical long term relationship. Others who are then try to match with them and it all ends in tears.

You can't walk into any old bar, glance around for half an hour and then declare there's no-one in there for you ever. How long did it take you to find your previous partner? If it's months or years, that's what it could be like in online dating.

I'd also second the person that said you don't have to go online at all- try MeetUp for groups in your area, including singles ones or hobbies ones or pets ones, or single walking groups, speed dating, there's lots of ways to meet people beyond just hoping for the best.

I would wait a bit til the stress dies down and then read up around how to online date, create a good profile, nice pictures, so you actually stand a good chance of meeting a few nice people. I've met a few, none have been Mr Right, but they weren't sleazy or bad or anything, just nice normal guys! But I don't meet for evening things, or drink or anything on a first date as I don't want to get caught in a situation I don't want to be in, so it's partly how you want to play things- it's all your choice. Including not to online date at all!

The sites like Match, Bumble, e-Harmony, Hinge don't allow dick pics and it's all filtered so if you use them you don't usually get them unless you give out your own phone number.

I don’t think you’re ready. I wasn’t keen throughout my 20s and only signed up after almost 3 years of being a single parent, once I was financially and emotionally ready to start dating, although I wasn’t sure I wanted another relationship.

I signed up and spent a lot of time sifting to get an idea of what profiles I liked or didn’t, to get any idea of what to say. At this point I didn’t message or indicate an interest in anyone. I did this for months.

Never mention that you have kids in your profile. That was my number one rule to stop targets from pedos. Some disagree with this, but I just don’t think it’s a good idea.

Once I did start using them properly I was cautious and met four different lovely people who I wasn’t interested in romantically but who were all perfectly normal men.

Then I met my DP who is amazing and who was always honest and easy and who I am totally in love with. So, yes, good guys do exist on dating apps, but it does depend which app and what settings you put on there, as well as why you match/talk to people. I was quite choosey (though less so about photos and more about the bio and answers to questions etc.).

My friend told me Bumble is better as the women approach the men so you don't get hassled.

I'm feeling the same @Itsallabitwank. I tried OLD for the first time about 3 days ago. I have a child and have been separated for 3 years and finally feel ready-ish to see who is out there.

It feels weird to accept/reject people based on photos and scant information and I haven't had many matches so far. Some of my friends met their lovely partners on OLD - some had a fairly easy time but others admitted it was pretty hard going but it was a case of persevering. They were all in their 30s though so perhaps there were more options.

I'm nearly a decade on and it feels scary and the options a bit sparse. I've messaged a couple of people but it's so far not really clicked. I'm going to keep trying for a little while though and maybe sign up to more than this one site.

Meet ups sounds like a great idea and is more of a natural setting than OLD. Good luck OP. x

Don't do it. It clearly doesn't appeal to you. I would join some local groups instead where you are as likely to meet men as women - running, wild swimming, martial arts, boat club, tennis club, hiking etc. Or look on Meet Up for local activities that interest you - talks or cinema or theatre visits or Sunday lunches etc - there are all sorts of events on there, and many are clearly organised or attended by people who want to meet partners but not through OLD.

How do you all have the courage for the first meet up though? I can’t imagine it, what if the guy thought I wasn’t great looking or if he was awful or weird? Where do you arrange a meet up and how long for? What if you need to escape 🤣

Does anyone meet in more natural ways these days? Gym, out shopping, through work/friends?

@EightWheelGirl

My friend told me Bumble is better as the women approach the men so you don't get hassled.

Bumble is definitely a good place to start - as you say only women can approach men. Firstly it cuts out all the real neanderthals and misogynists and most of the blokes who just want to say "hi" and disappear or send dick pics.

It also just makes you feel more in control because you approach them.

There are still plenty of timewasters etc but its a cut above POF/Match etc.

The Guardian Soulmates site also comes highly recommended by some people. I found it full of insufferably ponderous narcissists, personally, but you definitely get brighter people on there.

@Itsallabitwank

How do you all have the courage for the first meet up though? I can’t imagine it, what if the guy thought I wasn’t great looking or if he was awful or weird? Where do you arrange a meet up and how long for? What if you need to escape 🤣

Well it comes back to this point about needing to feel in a robust frame of mind.

The first time you meet someone will always be a bit hideous but after you've done it a few times you get better at it.

It's always recommended to meet just for a drink or a coffee initially, obviously somewhere public for safety, and not a meal or an event, so you can make a getaway if you need to. And always tell a friend where you are just in case.

If you need to escape you escape. It's not a game for people pleasers. If you're not having fun, don't waste your time with it. In fact that's a pretty solid rule for OD in general. If its not fun, stop.

OP, of the people I know who have found partners later in life, some have met through OLD but most have met either locally through social events, a few through work or through old friends, so it does happen.

@thepeopleversuswork - Guardian soulmates has closed down.

@hivemindneeded

oh blimey

Don't listen to me then! .
I stand by what I said about Bumble though.