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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just tried online dating-feel sick

125 replies

Itsallabitwank · 09/01/2022 21:44

Going through a separation, not interested in meeting anyone but thought I’d have a look at a dating site. Felt so weird putting my *Description in of what I’m like and am looking for, then scrolling through faces..none of which looked appealing to me.
Feeling bit scared, I’m 44 with a young daughter, am I destined to be alone forever?
Did anyone meet their other half a bit later on in a more natural situation?
I’m not against OD i just don’t think it will be for me

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 09/01/2022 23:17

First meet up? Somewhere easy for a coffee or a drink, I like pubs myself but cafes are easier still. Just meet for a chat! It's not that weird.

I've only once spoken to a guy in the gym, I liked him in fact but he never spoke to me again. When I did voluntary work I only met married men! It's a slight issue with being in my 50s. I'm also personally keen to not date people in my immediate social circle, even if most of them weren't my friends' husbands...

Grandadwasthatyou · 09/01/2022 23:20

@thepeopleversuswork .. I don't think Guardian Soulmates exists anymore.

earsup · 09/01/2022 23:21

I tried it once....met a nice man...but soon very controlling....would wait outside work for me to finish....so that soon ended.....the other was a secret alcaholic....would always find a reason to pop into a pub when we went for long walks....use the loo, buy some cigs, buy a box of matches...I looked through the window once and he has several shots lined up and downed them fast....that also soon ended..!!...cant be bothered to try again...!

HyphenCobra · 09/01/2022 23:22

Haven't read all the posts but met my 2nd (current!!) DH on Tinder.
Met quite a few nice guys on Tinder, only interacted with a few weirdos!! Was 31 and 2 kids at the time.

Also Bumble and Happen are worth a go.

Personally I'd never do pof lol
I'd rather pay for something like Match.

Dates wise, the boting ones were the pub or coffee dates (please never get drunk on dates, stick to soft drinks!!!) I found meeting at big public parks and going for walks was far better as could cut it short easily or keep going if went well. Also bit of exercise haha and you don't have the awkwardness of sitting across from each other lol

Look at it as a way to socialise and practice your skills in making conversation. No pressures!!

PermanentTemporary · 09/01/2022 23:23

I got scammed on Guardian Soulmates.... ah the memories.

Moff2k · 09/01/2022 23:33

I met my dp of 2 years on Bumble. He's lovely.
He was the first and only guy I met OLD.
There's an OLD thread on the relationships board that's really helpful.
Basically be open to meeting people to see if you would like to date them. Treat the first meet as date zero. Meet for a quick coffee, and make sure you have a phone call or video chat first. Meet quickly, don't spend ages messaging or you end up with a pen pal and get over invested in a fantasy.
If they are really wanting a relationship they will want to meet.
It can be done, you can meet someone, but just be prepared to be ruthless.
Enjoy, look at it as meeting lots of new people rather than a potential partner. If I ever split with dp I'll have no qualms about jumping back in.

thickthighs73 · 09/01/2022 23:38

Sorry I hate to tell you but if they are free “dating” sites for example POF most are attached just after a shag. Serious daters tend to use the paid for sites. Sadly that’s the reality

Original poster
Itsallabitwank · 09/01/2022 23:40

@thickthighs73 Which ones are paid for sites?
Isn’t Tinder a shagging one too?

OP posts:
thickthighs73 · 09/01/2022 23:46

[quote Itsallabitwank]@thickthighs73 Which ones are paid for sites?
Isn’t Tinder a shagging one too?[/quote]
Yep Tinder is a shagging one too.
The paid ones that come to mind are eharmony
Match
Elite singles
What happened to the good old days of meeting someone down the pub. Life was so much easier then

WeaverofWords · 09/01/2022 23:47

@PermanentTemporary

I got scammed on Guardian Soulmates.... ah the memories.
Hi, can you give a rough overview of what happened, please?
ghostmouse · 10/01/2022 00:02

I’m way to ugly to go on dating sites 😂

Not that I want to for a long long time but men only want photogenic, sexy looking women not an ugly old double chinned bag like me.

I’m 44 too. I’m much better off meeting someone in the flesh, I found the love of my life at work/walking group at 41

flowersinherhairinjune · 10/01/2022 00:04

I'm only 29 but have been on and off dating sites for past 5 years, have had a few dates with a few different men. One turned out to be a drug taking lunatic, very strange lad. Another one seemed so so normal at the start, but after two dates I decided I wasn't very interested - but kept it friendly - he then started texting me how he loves to suck dick and would I like to watch him get gang banged. Odd. The third one was (appeared to be) amazing, we had real sexual chemistry and (cringe) a very intense connection, however, he love-bombed me and cooled down very quickly and basically ditched me for his next girl off tinder. I was really upset about that one for a good while. In between these guys I spoke to loads, most of the time they would always turn the talk sexual very quickly so wouldn't bother with them. I had some that would arrange dates then not follow through or some that just wouldn't ask to meet. I had one guy who we were chatting and getting along well and when I asked for his number he blocked me. I had a guy, he was a police officer and lived about an hour from me. He said he would only meet me half way if he was guaranteed a shag at the end of the night otherwise I'd have to travel to him 😂 I am not even joking.

I'm not on any dating sites now, I'd rather be single and in the end it was making me feel pretty shit. All long term boyfriends I've had I've met organically. So it'll either happen like that again or it just won't happen and I'm fine being alone. I have a daughter (8) so I don't feel the pressure of having to meet someone and have children etc cause I have her and don't want anymore.

I think for some people getting back out there straight after a split is a good confidence booster and distraction for them. But I think for others (this includes me) it can actually make you feel worse and like panic thinking that there's no good men left because they are all so different from your ex. So just take your time if you still want to explore online dating. Sounds like it's too soon yet.

This was just my experience, there's lots of people that have met through online dating and go on and have a healthy and happy relationship. Good luck to you.

Bussinbussin · 10/01/2022 00:07

[quote Itsallabitwank]@mrsnec Sounds awful 😣
Just really doesn’t seem like my thing. I’m only thinking tentatively of the future. How else do people meet though if you’re a mum of a young child and don’t/don’t want to go out to bars etc anymore 🤷🏻‍♀️[/quote]
I separated from my EX at 45yo and met my new partner through my kids' hobbies, both of us volunteered our time at the club. It was perfect because he had similarly aged children so is at the same stage in life, and we got to hang out over a period of time before dating.

PermanentTemporary · 10/01/2022 00:11

@WeaverofWords link to my thread of the time here Still extremely embarrassing to remember!

Lalliella · 10/01/2022 00:14

My friend met her boyfriend on Bumble, just after she’d signed up. For her it helped that they met in lockdown and has to chat a lot before they could meet.

WeaverofWords · 10/01/2022 00:14

Wow, thank you for sharing that and I’m really so sorry that happened to you. I’m sure it could have happened to anyone in those times, we’ve become so much more savvy in just a couple of years. I wasn’t scammed but I was treated pretty badly and sort of duped. I also reported it at the time. People don’t realise how vulnerable they are. Everyone is a stranger on there.

WeaverofWords · 10/01/2022 00:15

Sorry, my post was for @PermanentTemporary

IamGusFring · 10/01/2022 00:19

[quote Itsallabitwank]@Shyla867 Eurgh, are the guys all really creepy?
That’s what I’m wondering, would nice, normal guys go on them? Again, not putting them down, just find it all a bit cringe for me[/quote]
Reverse your question ? Would normal , nice women go on them ? 🙄

WeaverofWords · 10/01/2022 00:25

Can I just use this thread to remind people about getting scammed on these sites? Do reverse search images!

I was almost scammed on Instagram, too, so look out for that - guys pretending to be doctors, surgeons, working in the military, on oil rigs, etc. very quickly wanting to go to WhatsApp or Google Hangouts. I work in bereavement and I think some of them have believed I might be a widow.

Please watch yourselves!

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/01/2022 00:26

OLD is a meat market.

For every genuine man (as a straight woman, obviously this is based on what I have searched!) out there, there are at least a hundred who are either married, out for a shag or a plain liar....sometimes all three!

I dont think it helps that although I have had my fair share of relationships, I have known them all beforehand either as a friend or through friends. The idea of simply meeting up with someone I have never met before terrifies me!

elenacampana · 10/01/2022 00:26

@Shyla867

So far I've not found a single person I would consider a potential date. Its all the men that others don't want on apps like pof..
I met my husband on POF - now he’s a man no one else is allowed to have 😆
IamGusFring · 10/01/2022 00:41

@Shyla867

So far I've not found a single person I would consider a potential date. Its all the men that others don't want on apps like pof..
and does the same go for the women on these sites ?
PrisonerofZeroCovid · 10/01/2022 00:51

am I destined to be alone forever?

But would it be that bad if you were? Lots of people are long term single and have fulfilling, happy lives. Being single is not the same as being alone/lonely and a nuclear family is not the ultimate social structure. I honestly think that the way to win the relationships lottery is to start from a position where you are happy to be single and any guy who comes along has to trump that. As soon as you start from a "I dont want to be single" position, you start settling.

FrustratedC0ffeeDrinker · 10/01/2022 01:14

I'm 44, have a child at infant school and met my now boyfriend on Hinge just before the first lockdown. He has an older child. I had been on and off dating websites for around 2 years during my divorce. Met some nice men, dated a a few of them. No horrendous dates as such. I dabbled with on-line dating on and off, as and when I could be bothered. I was extremely nervous on my very first date (I was on the loo for nearly an hour before leaving the house...), but after that it was a breeze. There are plenty of weirdos out there, and times when I thought I was never going to meet anyone...My boyfriend had the same experience and he was on PoF for a while! I wasn't that impressed with Bumble as I found that none of the guys made any effort. I also tried Match which was ok, and met a guy on Tinder.

KloppsTeeth · 10/01/2022 01:24

My friend has had loads of success meeting men by signing up to do night classes at college. She is, in her own words, rubbish at practical stuff, but she signed up to do beginners/DIY courses on carpentry, plumbing and plastering.
Not only has she learnt new skills, but she had lots of nice dates. Some of the men on the courses were really nice, I met a few she had on dates. She met her partner on the plumbing course, and bonus she has learnt some DIY skills Grin

The courses were really cheap, some initiative that the council were doing.

Give yourself some time, and when you’re ready have a look to see if there is anything like that in your area?