To not like nicknames for my baby already?

[ProbsBeingPrecious]

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with my first baby (it's a girl) and I've always had a bit of an issue with my dad being overly soppy. It's not just with me he's like it with but he's very in touch with his emotional side and constantly needing reassuring from my Mum that she loves him etc.

He genuinely treats me like I'm still 6 years old. For example, apparently I used to fall asleep from a baby till about 7 if someone tickled my head. I'm now 30 and my dad will text things like "when you coming home for some loving?" Not only does it sound fucking gross which automatically makes me cringe but it makes me less likely to go and see him. I'm really not an emotional person and I can't bare it.

He's clearly excited to be a Grandad and already making these stupid nicknames for her. He asked me if I'd thought of any names and I said no, not yet. He said "she'll be called Grace to me, because she's amazing" and it just wound me up. If I want her to be called Grace, I'll call her that. It's my dad all over making pet names up.

He supports a football team who play in red and he's started saying things like "look after little red" or "little red will like this" etc and in general now referring to her as "little red".

I went to pick a pushchair with my mum for the baby and he went absolutely mental because he wasn't there!

It's driving me mad but prepared to told I'm being precious

@twominutesmore

Well nobody is perfect. None of my family or friends are perfect in fact. But I forgive them their little quirks and eccentricities as long as they forgive mine, and as long as they have a good heart. I doubt you'll change him now op.

true, people have always got to moan about something!!

Be sorry when their parents gone from this world. Child wont have a grandad at all then.

C’mon - he’s always been an emotional, heart on his sleeve bloke - has he been a good dad. A good husband. Has he always let you know as a child you were loved.

I actually find you expecting him to suddenly become a different person. To stamp down his emotions and feelings because they are inconvenient to you revolting.

You need to find ways to not let this bother you and maybe include him in more. Maybe tell him pet names you’d rather be used and why.

If it was your mum that was the emotional one I wonder how much of a problem you’d find it? It’s just men that aren’t allowed to be emotional or have feelings beyond the stoic stiff British upper lip. Jesus I hope you aren’t having a boy in case he dares to show emotion past an age you deem acceptable.

Have a nice chat with him. Tell him you’d rather he use X pet name. Let him be involved. Explain to him that ‘coming home for some loving’ makes you feel a little weirded out as an adult and could he just phrase it in a softer way. Honestly feel you are the one that has the issue here and has bottled it up and allowed it to become a massive issue. If he doesn’t know you are unhappy, does t have examples kindly and calmly given of alternatives etc then how can he know how you feel.

@TheCatterall

C’mon - he’s always been an emotional, heart on his sleeve bloke - has he been a good dad. A good husband. Has he always let you know as a child you were loved.

I actually find you expecting him to suddenly become a different person. To stamp down his emotions and feelings because they are inconvenient to you revolting.

You need to find ways to not let this bother you and maybe include him in more. Maybe tell him pet names you’d rather be used and why.

If it was your mum that was the emotional one I wonder how much of a problem you’d find it? It’s just men that aren’t allowed to be emotional or have feelings beyond the stoic stiff British upper lip. Jesus I hope you aren’t having a boy in case he dares to show emotion past an age you deem acceptable.

Have a nice chat with him. Tell him you’d rather he use X pet name. Let him be involved. Explain to him that ‘coming home for some loving’ makes you feel a little weirded out as an adult and could he just phrase it in a softer way. Honestly feel you are the one that has the issue here and has bottled it up and allowed it to become a massive issue. If he doesn’t know you are unhappy, does t have examples kindly and calmly given of alternatives etc then how can he know how you feel.

A good dad doesn't make his daughter focus entirely on his feelings at the expense of her own comfort.

A good husband doesn't throw a tantrum & then stonewall his wife about not being made the hero of a pram-buying trip.

He is abusive, manipulative & self-centred.

She has tried to tell her Dad how she feels but he bulldozers her because he “needs TLC” apparently

He didn't speak to your Mum for a night because she happened to be with you when you happened to see the pram you wanted at a reduced price?

He's horrible!

How/why does your mum put up with that shit?

I'd be seeing him as little as possible.

He seems to only care about himself, dressed up as caring about you.

I really feel that some people telling the OP to get used to it, etc are not hearing her - you're telling her she shouldn't feel the way she feels.

It makes her uncomfortable - there's no accepting that and she shouldn't have to accept that.

Agree ChargingBuck. Perhaps different advice on this would be given if this was posted in Relationships. Posters saying "oh it's just because he loves you" are taking OP's explanation for his behaviour at face value. If OP had described the same behaviour but rather than excused it by saying "he's always been very emotional and soppy" said "I think he might be a covert narcissist" the responses I suspect might be rather different.

Your entire family dynamic will change when you have DD. What your DH perhaps tolerates now may be very different when he has a DD. You both need to have a long chat about how you want the first weeks after birth to be, what you ideally want in terms of visits from friends, family, and start putting your expectations in place now. Otherwise you may find yourselves in a hot mess when your dad expects to be round every day, you're too exhausted to say no, and your DH doesn't feel empowered to and becomes resentful.

Please tell me you’re not called Jess after Jessica Rabbit.

It sounds like he makes everything about him in a way. It's all very performative. Do you feel like he makes everything about him in a way, op?

@DropYourSword

Aw bless him. I disagree with other posters that he’s creepy or weird - he’s just being him and I think that’s sweet.

At the same time though, it’s similar to introverts and extroverts. Each can tend to find the other exhausting even if no-one is really in the wrong at all.

No advice for you. Apart from you could do what I did and emigrate to the other side of the world!
Naw, I miss my mum and dad.

You think this is sweet?

My mum went home, told my dad that we'd purchased the pram and he went ape shit and didn't speak to my mum all night.

@2bazookas

You just don't know how lucky you are.

You have a dad . One who didn't die, desert , neglect or abuse you.
You got the real deal. You hit the DAD jackpot.
He has adored you since birth
He is going to adore his grandchild.
Your child will have a loving attentive Grandpa to play with.

Just read MN re other styles of male parent , and count your blessings.

He also does stuff like this:

My mum went home, told my dad that we'd purchased the pram and he went ape shit and didn't speak to my mum all night.

"I noticed you keep calling the baby Grace and I would really appreciate it if you could stop because it's not her name and we don't really like it. I know she's your grand daughter and it's lovely you're so looking forward to her arriving but she's our daughter and we are excited for her to be her own little person, not have a pre expected personality or name that we haven't chosen. It isn't something we are ok with. So please, stop with the Grace thing as it's making me feel really awkward whenever it's said! Love you."

Could you send something like that? I would find it so rude he was essentially naming your baby something else!

He sounds like because he makes things about him, maybe he thought you'd like the name, use it for real and he would then be able to do the 'well it was me who chose their baby's new name, I always knew she was a Grace' thing.

DH mum is like this. It’s exhausting sometimes. Whenever she does something that would be considered nice, like give you a gift for Xmas/birthday , it turns into 20 questions and a big story of how long it took her to find it and how the weather was horrible but she still went out and got it etc she asks you about 10 times if you like it.
Very emotionally manipulative, to some people, they just think she’s being nice but it’s suffocating and uncomfortable. More about meeting their needs then the other person.

"I noticed you keep calling the baby Grace and I would really appreciate it if you could stop because it's not her name and we don't really like it. I know she's your grand daughter and it's lovely you're so looking forward to her arriving but she's our daughter and we are excited for her to be her own little person, not have a pre expected personality or name that we haven't chosen. It isn't something we are ok with. So please, stop with the Grace thing as it's making me feel really awkward whenever it's said! Love you."

I much prefer "Dad, stop it. Her name is not Grace, or Little Red or anything esle you're calling her. This is getting really annoying, so just stop"

@saraclara

"I noticed you keep calling the baby Grace and I would really appreciate it if you could stop because it's not her name and we don't really like it. I know she's your grand daughter and it's lovely you're so looking forward to her arriving but she's our daughter and we are excited for her to be her own little person, not have a pre expected personality or name that we haven't chosen. It isn't something we are ok with. So please, stop with the Grace thing as it's making me feel really awkward whenever it's said! Love you."

I much prefer "Dad, stop it. Her name is not Grace, or Little Red or anything esle you're calling her. This is getting really annoying, so just stop"

I mean I prefer "Stop calling our baby Grace, it's fucking weird to name someone else's baby and my pregnancy isn't all about you" tbh but thought OP's dad might throw a drama llama tantrum at that

My cousin's name is Sarah Louise (not double barrelled,) and when we were kids (in the 1980s,) our uncle ALWAYS called her LuLu, derived from her middle name... It drove my aunt and uncle nuts.

They told him to quit, but he ignored them and said 'stop being so bloody daft.' They gave up in the end, and just let him get on with it. Nothing you can do when people are so stubborn, bloody-minded, and arrogant. Except maybe call THEM by the wrong name!

@youvegottenminuteslynn I like yours better too! But yes, I went for the compromise option!

Gawd. This reminds me. One of my mum's best friends when I was a kid, named her daughter Suzanna. But after a while she decided she preferred the child's middle name, Elaine. So she was called that instead.

My mum didn't like the name Elaine, so she continued to call her Suzannah. For years. I was mortified. Even at that age I knew she was doing something appallingly self-centred, and I could also see that Elaine hated it when she did. I can remember the house being full of E's friends and my mum calling her Suzannah, and E's face blushing red because her friends were all gawping at her.

Even I, as a fairly young kid, challenged my mum on it (and I was pretty scared of my mum). So if I can do it, you can, OP.

@Sportslady44

true, people have always got to moan about something!!

Be sorry when their parents gone from this world. Child wont have a grandad at all then.

So you think it's fine for him to have a tantrum and ignore his wife because he wasn't there when they bought the pram?

You think it's fine for him to decide to call the baby Grace even though that's not the baby's name?

You think it's fine for him to sulk about the photos OP chooses to put up in her own home?

He’s making it all about him which is unacceptable tbh, he needs to learn to step back or be left out.