To not like nicknames for my baby already?

[ProbsBeingPrecious]

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with my first baby (it's a girl) and I've always had a bit of an issue with my dad being overly soppy. It's not just with me he's like it with but he's very in touch with his emotional side and constantly needing reassuring from my Mum that she loves him etc.

He genuinely treats me like I'm still 6 years old. For example, apparently I used to fall asleep from a baby till about 7 if someone tickled my head. I'm now 30 and my dad will text things like "when you coming home for some loving?" Not only does it sound fucking gross which automatically makes me cringe but it makes me less likely to go and see him. I'm really not an emotional person and I can't bare it.

He's clearly excited to be a Grandad and already making these stupid nicknames for her. He asked me if I'd thought of any names and I said no, not yet. He said "she'll be called Grace to me, because she's amazing" and it just wound me up. If I want her to be called Grace, I'll call her that. It's my dad all over making pet names up.

He supports a football team who play in red and he's started saying things like "look after little red" or "little red will like this" etc and in general now referring to her as "little red".

I went to pick a pushchair with my mum for the baby and he went absolutely mental because he wasn't there!

It's driving me mad but prepared to told I'm being precious

I hope that all those who are doing the ridiculous 'you're so lucky to have a dad like this' don't ever use MN for advice for anything.. you know whatever you have you are of course so lucky and there's people who would love to have that issue...

@2bazookas

You just don't know how lucky you are.

You have a dad . One who didn't die, desert , neglect or abuse you.
You got the real deal. You hit the DAD jackpot.
He has adored you since birth
He is going to adore his grandchild.
Your child will have a loving attentive Grandpa to play with.

Just read MN re other styles of male parent , and count your blessings.

As others have said upthread, it’s very unfair to invalidate OP’s feelings with a sweeping “think yourself lucky”. Yes, her dad sounds on many levels like a nice chap and a fully engaged parent, but that doesn’t mean all his behaviour necessarily comes from a healthy place or is easy to deal with.

Turning every situation into a drama starring himself and placing his emotional needs above everyone else’s is narcissistic in the extreme. As PPs have said, it’s a form of manipulation and control which is no less damaging because it comes with a sugar coating.

If it was her mum behaving in this way I can’t help but feel that many of the answers here would be very different. Just because he’s a man he seems be getting an ‘awww, bless him’ pass for the kind of blatant emotional blackmail which gets short shrift on here when the perpetrator’s a woman.

Little Red? Would naming the baby Rafa or Pep help?

There's a simple way to find out if he's a loving dad who is just being a bit OTT and has a different personality to his daughter, or a massive attention-seeking prat who wants to make it all about it.

Could you (gently) say 'Look, I know you're super excited - we are too! - but it's a bit overwhelming with all the picking out nicknames, deciding on her football team before she's even here. I want to enjoy this bit of pregnancy for what it is.'

Any nice, normal, loving Dad would back off. (He might be a little hurt, he might not see he was doing anything 'wrong' but loving someone means wanting the best for them and listening when they tell you what that is.) I expect what your DF will do, OP, is go on a long emotional rant and make you spend hours managing his feelings about you saying something.

@2bazookas

You just don't know how lucky you are.

You have a dad . One who didn't die, desert , neglect or abuse you.
You got the real deal. You hit the DAD jackpot.
He has adored you since birth
He is going to adore his grandchild.
Your child will have a loving attentive Grandpa to play with.

Just read MN re other styles of male parent , and count your blessings.

My Dad was a total Dickhead and I don’t envy OP in the slightest

You got the real deal. You hit the DAD jackpot

Fucking hell, why do so many expect so little from the men in their life?
If hitting the DAD jackpot is someone who emotionally manipulates and sulks when they are not centre of attention, plus texts some seriously creepy shit, then the world is fucked.

Morred has it.

You best start mentioning now how much you're looking forward to it just being you, your husband and new baby for a few weeks after you get home from hospital, make sure he knows a quick visit and a short phone call is all you'll be available for or else it sounds like he'll move in. Also, if you're like me and detest 'baby talk' better make it clear very early in case he's into that, it makes my skin crawl and thankfully neither of my parents used it.

@CarrieBlue

I’d have loved to have had a dad so excited about his grand child. Sadly my dad died six years before my eldest dc was born. Forgive him some over excitement.

I’m very sorry for your loss, I lost my dad also so I know it’s difficult. But the type of behaviour described by op is not just excitement, it’s super needy and ott.

Op I can completely understand why you would be uncomfortable with this, I would be exactly the same. Can your dm not have a word? In her shoes I’d have been telling him to get a grip after Pramgate.

Stand your ground! because it doesn't get better if you don't make it extremely clear in the beginning that this is not the behaviour you want or need.
I have suffered this for 28years from my Mil because i didn't, I was pregnant with my DD and it started, I originally thought it was lovely that she was so involved, so wanting to be "everywhere " with me. I was wrong. It became weird, suffocating as though my dd was hers. She had had sons. My dd lives and works 100miles from me, we are extremely close, but she has found the relationship with her gm too much. But even today I receive texts and calls once a day asking about my dd, she is inappropriate in her questions. I have a Son too, never asked about. Hes amazing.
Make it clear now and it will make it easier in the future and a happier relationship.

Exactly that, it's fucking grim but he just doesn't see how he comes across.

Have you told him?

@ProbsBeingPrecious

I haven't said anything much to him, really. I mean he'll constantly be faffing over me, not letting me lift a plate or get a drink or carry a box because I'm pregnant. I've just responded firmly and said "dad stop, I'm pregnant. I'm not going to break in half!"

He sent a text a couple of weeks back to me and DH saying "just been having a conversation about our granddaughter. How we are going to support you both, how we want to be involved. Grace will be the best thing to happen to this family" and I just responded saying "my baby is not the next Queen, stop being soppy!" But it doesn't work with him.

I think I would have added "and her name is not Grace". Nip it in the bud.

Chose your boundaries and stick to them so for me calling the baby grace would not be acceptable as not her name. So everytime he said grace I would correct him. I would compromise on little red as not an actual name so wouldn't bother me (you may be different).

Anything that is a big deal correct, and try to let go the smaller stuff and see the spirit it is intended. So for the pram "dad this is not about you, I appreciate the contribution to the pram but I had to take the opportunity to take it before sold out. I will not be made to feel guilty about that."

Also don't worry about his soppiness annoying you or being worse when baby here. It hasn't happened yet and there is an equal chance you will be glad to get a hot meal in peace while dd insists grandad plays with her as a toddler. If he is too much deal with that when it happens.

for gods sake.

You have a father thats interested and likes a bit of banter learn to banter back have fun with him.

Would you rather he was a horrible boring old fart.

YOU are the problem.

Well nobody is perfect. None of my family or friends are perfect in fact. But I forgive them their little quirks and eccentricities as long as they forgive mine, and as long as they have a good heart. I doubt you'll change him now op.

I've been here with a different family member. I really tried, for years, but in the end I couldn't have them in my life without it having a massively detrimental impact on me and my children, we're LC now.

The pushchair story brought it back to me. Just after announcing my pregnancy at 12 weeks they turned up with a pram they'd bought me. It wasn't what I'd've chosen, it was far too early for me to be happy with baby things in the house and yet I had to be happy with how generous and excited they'd been. They came round all the time, constantly trying to pry the baby out of my arms, getting upset when they couldn't have breastfed baby overnight.... In the end the manipulative, controlling behaviour was being used on my children and I'd had enough.

I would start now with boundaries and thinking about boundaries when the baby comes.

@Sportslady44

for gods sake.

You have a father thats interested and likes a bit of banter learn to banter back have fun with him.

Would you rather he was a horrible boring old fart.

YOU are the problem.

So she should teach her daughter that she has to tip toe around a mans neediness and emotions in case he gets upset? Bugger that

@Sportslady44

for gods sake.

You have a father thats interested and likes a bit of banter learn to banter back have fun with him.

Would you rather he was a horrible boring old fart.

YOU are the problem.

Oh jeeze. Now it's 'banter'. Quite apart from the fact that this is NOT banter, even if it was, banter is no excuse for anything. Certainly not for the control that this father is exerting on the OP, behind some sugar coated disguise.

It sounds emotionally incestuous. Throwing a tantrum and stonewalling your mum is abusive behaviour. As is his constant pawing of her an demanding her attention and reassurance. As is his ignoring your boundaries and manipulating and controlling you through pseudo-caring behaviour.

None of what you describe is ‘nice’ or ‘normal’ or ‘just excitement’, nor are you ‘lucky’ for having to do the enormous amount of extra emotional labour of making sure your dad’s feelings are always centered in everything you do.

For your own sanity you’re going to have to pull right back and go LC otherwise you’re going to be smothered.

Euch just Euch OP. It is making me annoyed just reading this stuff. Do they live near?

I will admit some of what you say he says is a bit cringe, you probably want to have a kind word with him about that. But otherwise you should be happy that you have your dad around and equally that he is excited to be a grandfather.

Yet another example of how low the bar is for men. We have a controlling, domineering, creepy man trampling a woman’s boundaries and everyone is like ‘😍😍😍😍you’re lucky ‘
Fuck sake.

If you already have the unrelated nickname Jess, be prepared that whatever you name your DD it appears she will now forever have the nickname Grace, unless you really start to put your foot down.

Interested how that came about BTW - why are you called Jess, according to him? How does your mum feel about that?

@NowEvenBetter

Yet another example of how low the bar is for men. We have a controlling, domineering, creepy man trampling a woman’s boundaries and everyone is like ‘😍😍😍😍you’re lucky ‘ Fuck sake.

Bizarre isn't it?

OP, whenever he calls you Jess (or anything else that's not your real name) simply say, "My name is not Jess". And if it's in person, walk away. Likewise if he refers to your baby by a name you haven't chosen. It doesn't need to be a row. Simply say "that's not her name" and disengage from him.

Seriously, just keep doing it. Consistently block his behaviour. And definitely, if he comes out with that 'lovin' thing again, tell him to stop because it's creepy.

You and your mum are tiptoeing around him, and it's bad for you all. PLEASE get your boundaries fixed and applied before your daughter is having to fend this stuff off too.

@slashlover

Can people please STOP telling the OP that she's lucky to have an emotionally manipulative father?

THIS. The OP is clearly very uncomfortable with it - and the way her father reacted to not being present at the ceremonial buying of the pram shows he's actually not that nice, especially to her mother.

You do not have to put up with this - and the sooner you get the boundaries established the better. Because once the baby is born, he's going to push past all of them and you'll be another of those posters sharing 'Parent is here all the time' threads.