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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like nicknames for my baby already?

120 replies

ProbsBeingPrecious · 09/01/2022 19:58

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with my first baby (it's a girl) and I've always had a bit of an issue with my dad being overly soppy. It's not just with me he's like it with but he's very in touch with his emotional side and constantly needing reassuring from my Mum that she loves him etc.

He genuinely treats me like I'm still 6 years old. For example, apparently I used to fall asleep from a baby till about 7 if someone tickled my head. I'm now 30 and my dad will text things like "when you coming home for some loving?" Not only does it sound fucking gross which automatically makes me cringe but it makes me less likely to go and see him. I'm really not an emotional person and I can't bare it.

He's clearly excited to be a Grandad and already making these stupid nicknames for her. He asked me if I'd thought of any names and I said no, not yet. He said "she'll be called Grace to me, because she's amazing" and it just wound me up. If I want her to be called Grace, I'll call her that. It's my dad all over making pet names up.

He supports a football team who play in red and he's started saying things like "look after little red" or "little red will like this" etc and in general now referring to her as "little red".

I went to pick a pushchair with my mum for the baby and he went absolutely mental because he wasn't there!

It's driving me mad but prepared to told I'm being precious Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
ProbsBeingPrecious · 09/01/2022 21:15

I haven't said anything much to him, really. I mean he'll constantly be faffing over me, not letting me lift a plate or get a drink or carry a box because I'm pregnant. I've just responded firmly and said "dad stop, I'm pregnant. I'm not going to break in half!"

He sent a text a couple of weeks back to me and DH saying "just been having a conversation about our granddaughter. How we are going to support you both, how we want to be involved. Grace will be the best thing to happen to this family" and I just responded saying "my baby is not the next Queen, stop being soppy!" But it doesn't work with him.

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iheartredsquirrels · 09/01/2022 21:16

emotional vampires are very difficult to wean off. It's difficult but you need to step back sometimes, we know he's keen but he's not the father, it's your baby, your turn to be a new parent. He's had his time.
You don't mention a dp or dh, are they around if so they need to make their stand as dad.
Boundaries are going to have to be put into place before dc is born.

Original poster
ProbsBeingPrecious · 09/01/2022 21:20

I have a DH who is so laid back. With the pushchair incident my DH wasn't even there. I called DH and said "the pushchair I like is here, it's the last one! Would you mind if I put a deposit down and show you later" and he just said "babe if that's what you like, you'll be pushing it most, get it without me" and that was that!

My mum apparently said to my dad "even MrProbsBeingPrecious wasn't there to get the pushchair!" And dad just said "well im not MrProbsBeingPrecious!" Baffling Confused

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Phrowzunn · 09/01/2022 21:30

Oh God OP you have my sympathy, your dad sounds absolutely insufferable! I feel bad but, Christ! How does your mum cope being married to him?? Honestly, once you’ve had the baby you are so, so tired and so hormonal and really have absolutely zero patience for anyone or anything. There were so many little things that my family and in-laws did that annoyed me, it still makes my blood boil to think of them. I think if I had to deal with your dad I would have actually killed him, like physically ended his life.

Darbs76 · 09/01/2022 21:32

I think it’s lovely that he loves you so much and wants to be so involved. I miss my dad so much, treasure it.

TommyShelby · 09/01/2022 21:33

God if I was your mum I think I’d have completely lost the plot with him! Is there any chance a proper sit down conversation where you just make everything clear could work? Or is that likely to light a touch paper with him?

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 09/01/2022 21:37

I can't imagine anyone behaving like that about a pushchair, really? Who does that? That would make me want to reduce contant never mind the odd texts.

rainyskylight · 09/01/2022 21:45

I could not bear this, he needs to back
off. It’s your baby, he can’t make this all about him it’s ridiculous. It sounds like you’re going to have to be so blunt that you sill upset him but perhaps for the best overall that you snap back a bit.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 09/01/2022 21:45

Change father to MIL and everyone would be shouting to go no contact.

It's not love it's weird and controlling

Youngstreet · 09/01/2022 21:46

Has your df always been like this?
I knew a man who had a mild stroke and turned into a very emotional person.
My family is the opposite. When I told my df I was pregnant he said he couldn't understand anyone deliberately getting pregnant. Obviously me and my siblings were all accidents!
That's the other extreme and not nice either.

Original poster
ProbsBeingPrecious · 09/01/2022 21:48

@Phrowzunn your post made me laugh 

My mum knows he's over the top and emotional, she admits it does push her away too. He constantly wants hugs and every time she walks past him he holds his hand out to hold hers. Im just totally the opposite of all that.

@TommyShelby I don't want to upset him because he is just being him and I really hate to upset people. I might have to though because it's really winding me up. 

@AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair It made me worry about how he's going to react over every little thing and I don't have the patience or headspace for that behaviour. I mean I was going to purchase the pram online and just have it delivered and job done... Confused

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MichelleScarn · 09/01/2022 21:48

@CarrieBlue

I’d have loved to have had a dad so excited about his grand child. Sadly my dad died six years before my eldest dc was born. Forgive him some over excitement.
That's dreadful for you, and am so sorry, but allow op her own experience and feelings.
iheartredsquirrels · 09/01/2022 21:51

sorry, cross post.

Original poster
ProbsBeingPrecious · 09/01/2022 21:52

@Youngstreet He's pretty much always been like it. When I was a child he was great, did a lot of activities with me and took me swimming etc. I'm just closer to my mum now as she is similar to me, not so emotional and overbearing. No silly nicknames, no cringy phrases, not easily offended and I involve her a lot more naturally.

I have a photo with my mum that I framed, we bumped into each other on a night out and we were drunk - we had a lovely pic taken and I framed it. My dad will say stuff like "oh well she doesn't have a photo with ME!" Ugh.

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BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/01/2022 21:54

It sounds so suffocating. It's also extra brain admin for you to have to factor him into every thing you say and do.

The fact that he refers to the baby as Grace when you haven't even decided on a name let one given birth to her.....

Oh god, he is going to want to be in the delivery room isn't he?

CelestiaNoctis · 10/01/2022 00:43

He sounds a little unhinged. Like is he going to cry because he's not at the birth? Will he fight his way in lol? Have you ever spoken to him about how it's cringe? It's nice he cares but it sounds way too much. It doesn't sound like you're that close either.

saraclara · 10/01/2022 01:05

Would you be able to have a proper conversation about how you feel about sentimentality? Would he understand that he's driving you away with this sort of talk?

If not, I think the only way IS to lose it with him one day. If he continues to give your child a name that you haven't chosen, maybe simply getting angry, looking him in the eye and saying "This is MY baby, will you please stop taking over..." etc etc, is the only thing that would genuinely stop him in his tracks.

I can't tell you how much I'd hate this. I simply can't cope with this sort of emotional intrusion. I'm a caring person, but sentimentality makes me want to run away.

saraclara · 10/01/2022 01:09

Oh and the line about coming home for some loving? I would absolutely tell him that it's not appropriate and could be very much misconstrued by anyone who heard it (and it makes you cringe).

At some point you have to stop caring about his feelings. Because this really can't continue. His behaviour with your child (however innocent) will appear to be entirely inappropriate and will be unhealthy if someone doesn't point out that this behaviour is absolutely NOT normal or comfortable.

Stompythedinosaur · 10/01/2022 01:16

His behaviour doesn't sound nice. It is all about him and his wants. It is about him getting to go pram shopping rather than about you getting the pram you wanted. About him trying to give your baby a name, like she is his new pet or something.

I wouldn't like it at all.

LagunaBubbles · 10/01/2022 07:31

There's nothing wrong with being emotional. However I suspect you are the way you are because of what your Dad is like. If you've spoken to him and he hadn't taken on board anything you've said then I suspect this will only get worse once your baby is born.

Aphrodite31 · 10/01/2022 08:03

@Darbs76

I think it’s lovely that he loves you so much and wants to be so involved. I miss my dad so much, treasure it.
This, to some degree.

You are in a much luckier position that you realise. You have the luxury of being annoyed by how he expresses his love for you. You are surrounded by so much love, including both of your parents, that you can afford to be annoyed by him.

And this is only annoyance. He isn't harmful or bad. He's just emotional and invested. And he's your father.

If he were abusive, of course the only option would be to push him away. But I feel rejecting him because he loves you isn't quite right.

You just need to do what you are doing - tolerate him, with love.

Your daughter doesn't 'belong' to anyone, or that's how I feel about my children. They are their own people. They can't have too many people around them who love them.

To have the express love of a grandfather is pretty special, and your daughter will also be lucky to have that. It will enrich her life too. And yours.

So many of us don't have our fathers alive or around to show this love to us or our children. Far from pushing it away, I do think you should try to embrace it and be grateful. One day he'll be gone, and nobody will fuss over you or want to be part of you or your child's life. There will be no phone calls or presents or special conversations about how best to support and love you. There will be just nothing. And that's when you will miss it. So enjoy it while you have it, is my advice.

Linning · 10/01/2022 09:11

I think you are not being unreasonable to be a bit annoyed and overwhelmed by it as it seems like he has always been on the overwhelming side your entire life and having a grandchild might take it to a new dimension. But I would give him some “grace” (pun not really intended). He LOVES you, and he wants to support you. He is doing it clumsily now but he is doing it out of love and that is so precious. The person who said she would much rather have no dad than your dad probably have no idea what it’s like to have a dad who doesn’t like you. I do and it’s awful, there is high (very high) chances that my children will never ever have loving grandparents, I for sure will never have a caring dad and whilst yes, some of your dad’s message are a bit cringe-worthy in how they were written there is something lovely in how much he loves.

Other people not having dads or having bad dads don’t mean you can’t be upset at yours for being over-loving, but it’s true that one day he won’t be there to love on you and your child and so try and put in some healthy boundaries (tell him how he can actually best support you) but also soak in those moments. Like Aphrodite31 said, there is some luxury in being annoyed at being too loved and getting too much support (and oh the things I would give away to even get 5% of the love and support your dad seem to give you from my own parents).

Just be honest with him tell him you love him but he is being too much and it’s causing you stress and suggest ways he can help you that will actually help you bond with him and will actually be helpful to you. I think in this case honest communication can clear up a lot of things whilst rejection would probably just harm a lot of people (you included) and probably taint a precious moment/period of your life, which seems unnecessary when knowing the issue.

Frenchfurze · 10/01/2022 09:52

Tell him that you’re going to dedicate the baby to Rival Football Club at birth in a secret ceremony? If he’s an Arsenal fan, refers to your baby as Spursbaby or something? And the tell him to calm the hell down about it all.

TeaAndStrumpets · 10/01/2022 10:25

Can't quote but lovely post from Aphrodite 31

Only you can guess why your Dad is the way he is, but I wonder what his own childhood was like? It sounds as if he is absolutely determined that you should have the best of everything, maybe he is overcompensating for a deprived childhood. He wanted to share the excitement of buying a pram, but your mum knew this and left him out. Poor chap, I feel a bit sorry for him.

Original poster
ProbsBeingPrecious · 10/01/2022 11:20

I've sent him a message saying I don't want him to feel pushed out etc and this is the exact type of message I get back! He genuinely doesn't understand how his messages come across!

It has the name "Jess" in but it's my nickname (not even close to my real name!) so not bothered about it being outing.

To not like nicknames for my baby already?
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