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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not like nicknames for my baby already?

120 replies

ProbsBeingPrecious · 09/01/2022 19:58

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with my first baby (it's a girl) and I've always had a bit of an issue with my dad being overly soppy. It's not just with me he's like it with but he's very in touch with his emotional side and constantly needing reassuring from my Mum that she loves him etc.

He genuinely treats me like I'm still 6 years old. For example, apparently I used to fall asleep from a baby till about 7 if someone tickled my head. I'm now 30 and my dad will text things like "when you coming home for some loving?" Not only does it sound fucking gross which automatically makes me cringe but it makes me less likely to go and see him. I'm really not an emotional person and I can't bare it.

He's clearly excited to be a Grandad and already making these stupid nicknames for her. He asked me if I'd thought of any names and I said no, not yet. He said "she'll be called Grace to me, because she's amazing" and it just wound me up. If I want her to be called Grace, I'll call her that. It's my dad all over making pet names up.

He supports a football team who play in red and he's started saying things like "look after little red" or "little red will like this" etc and in general now referring to her as "little red".

I went to pick a pushchair with my mum for the baby and he went absolutely mental because he wasn't there!

It's driving me mad but prepared to told I'm being precious

OP posts:

saraclara · 10/01/2022 11:28

"Sometimes daughters need some emotional space, and to be able to choose what they and their baby are called"

Frenchfurze · 10/01/2022 11:28

@ProbsBeingPrecious

I've sent him a message saying I don't want him to feel pushed out etc and this is the exact type of message I get back! He genuinely doesn't understand how his messages come across!

It has the name "Jess" in but it's my nickname (not even close to my real name!) so not bothered about it being outing.

'And sometimes their pregnant daughters need them to back off'?

Frenchfurze · 10/01/2022 11:28

@saraclara

"Sometimes daughters need some emotional space, and to be able to choose what they and their baby are called"

Or this, which is probably rather more tactful.

saraclara · 10/01/2022 11:31

Seriously, my mum used to call me a nickname that I hated. In the end, I just flipped and told her I hated it, always had, and why didn't she just call me by my name.

She was shocked, but never used it again.

You really are being too soft with him. He is not respecting a single boundary, and he doesn't get to have his own way on all this stuff and then whinge about how he needs TLC.

Your mum really isn't helping here. She's been a poor example to you, and she's not respecting you either. She should be backing you up.

Hoppinggreen · 10/01/2022 11:34

It’s actually pretty controlling behaviour.
He is manipulating you into doing what he wants but it’s harder to recognise because he isn’t overtly abusive - he just acts hurt when he doesn’t get his own way. But in fact it is just as abusive as shouting at you. It’s also very clever because if you push back you are the unreasonable one because he just wants to be loved.
Try and find a way to limit your daughters expose to his nonsense when she arrives (Grace is a lovely name though)

ChargingBuck · 10/01/2022 11:35

@TinaYouFatLard

And this level of emotion tends to make the situation all about the emotional person rather than the subject of the feelings iyswim. It’s not nice and loving, it’s selfish and narcissistic.

@TinaYouFatLard spotted it even before OP's update:

My mum went home, told my dad that we'd purchased the pram and he went ape shit and didn't speak to my mum all night.

Fucksake. All about him, innit.
I hope you gave him a serious ticking off about treating your mum like that OP.

DropYourSword · 10/01/2022 11:39

Aw bless him. I disagree with other posters that he’s creepy or weird - he’s just being him and I think that’s sweet.

At the same time though, it’s similar to introverts and extroverts. Each can tend to find the other exhausting even if no-one is really in the wrong at all.

No advice for you. Apart from you could do what I did and emigrate to the other side of the world!
Naw, I miss my mum and dad.

Frenchfurze · 10/01/2022 11:42

@DropYourSword

Aw bless him. I disagree with other posters that he’s creepy or weird - he’s just being him and I think that’s sweet.

At the same time though, it’s similar to introverts and extroverts. Each can tend to find the other exhausting even if no-one is really in the wrong at all.

No advice for you. Apart from you could do what I did and emigrate to the other side of the world!
Naw, I miss my mum and dad.

But 'just being him' in this scenario is making his daughter's pregnancy all about his need to be involved, his heightened emotions surrounding the unborn baby, his requirements for 'TLC maintenance' from his daughter, as though she's responsible for catering to his emotional needs.

Arucanafeather · 10/01/2022 11:44

Look up traits of covert narcissist! I’m not saying he is a narcissist but I bet he’ll hit a lot of the attributes. My ILs are like this - they literally don’t see my DH as a separate entity in his own right. The only thing that has worked for my DH is medium chill/ grey rock technique. Look up FOG and see if that resonates for you. Often these things do come to a head when you have children yourself.

Wisewordswouldhelp · 10/01/2022 11:48

My Dad is like this, so i feel for you! He sends long saccharine sweet whatsapp messages, always telling me I'm the best daughter (I'm really not). It was mortifying as a teenager as he insisted on calling me cutesy names in front of my friends despite being told i hated it! He always choses his love for all things emotional and cutesy over my need to just have normal comfortable conversation! He doesn't ever actually listen to a word i say about anything, so whilst trying to make me feel special by calling me 'his special bunny bun buns' he actually makes me feel anything but special as he doesn't listen to me. For years he didn't even know what my job was!

stripeyflowers · 10/01/2022 11:48

I envy you . . . to an extent!

Sorry, no help I know OP!

TinyTear · 10/01/2022 11:56

[quote ProbsBeingPrecious]@Youngstreet He's pretty much always been like it. When I was a child he was great, did a lot of activities with me and took me swimming etc. I'm just closer to my mum now as she is similar to me, not so emotional and overbearing. No silly nicknames, no cringy phrases, not easily offended and I involve her a lot more naturally.

I have a photo with my mum that I framed, we bumped into each other on a night out and we were drunk - we had a lovely pic taken and I framed it. My dad will say stuff like "oh well she doesn't have a photo with ME!" Ugh.

[/quote]
That seems similar to my dad.

He used to moan if I even put my mum's name first on envelopes (mum and dad surname) and for a while i ended up sending two christmas cards

im in a different country and he always comes first to the phone.

he is SO mushy with the grandchildren as i never remember it in my life - as if my sole job was to provide grandchildren

too fucking little too fucking late

i just grey rock him and am low contact... im just sorry for my mum or i'd go no contact

Fraternaltwin · 10/01/2022 12:02

My parents showed zero interest in anything I did and could win an award for the least interested grandparents. I think you’re being a bit harsh re the interest in your baby.

As for the coming home for some loving text, now that is creepy. He sounds like some kind of pervert.

PinchOfVom · 10/01/2022 12:02

I don’t understand how some of you are reframing this as something to envy

To me it’s just manipulative and controlling

saraclara · 10/01/2022 12:09

@PinchOfVom

I don’t understand how some of you are reframing this as something to envy

To me it’s just manipulative and controlling

Same here. It's incredibly creepy and controlling. But worse in that the use of over-sentimental and over-emotional behaviour to control OP makes it incredibly hard for her to be heard by anyone. Because they just think he's 'sweet' and she looks like a bitch for complaining at having an 'attentive and loving' dad.

saraclara · 10/01/2022 12:11

...and by the way, I have a mother who couldn't be less interested in me and my kids if she tried. But I don't envy OP one bit.
Also the dad that I loved very much, died. But, but I still don't think that OP should 'just be grateful that she has a dad' either.

dottiedodah · 10/01/2022 12:13

Did he have a difficult childhood himself?(No excuse but may explain odd behaviour by him). I also wonder does he have many friends at all? He sounds rather isolated .The pram incident is weird.Do you have any siblings at all .is he the same with them. For now I would just say look Dad just give over ! in a light tone of voice to him. He seems to care deeply ,but is somewhat over invested .Are he and your Mum close ,often older men may transfer their affection to their DC/DGC(Not in a bad way) maybe to get a chance of feeling needed once more

Arucanafeather · 10/01/2022 12:13

Totally agree @PinchOfVom & @saraclara !!

NutellaEllaElla · 10/01/2022 12:18

mumofmunchkin · 10/01/2022 12:28

Can you come up with a nickname for the baby before it's born that you're OK with, start using it consistently and see if he will pick up on it and start using it? I'm pregnant and my older son gave this kid a 'name' in utero, which we started using and now people around us refer to it by that name too. Its not an actual name, so will def get superseded when the baby arrives.

2bazookas · 10/01/2022 12:41

You just don't know how lucky you are.

You have a dad . One who didn't die, desert , neglect or abuse you.
You got the real deal. You hit the DAD jackpot.
He has adored you since birth
He is going to adore his grandchild.
Your child will have a loving attentive Grandpa to play with.

Just read MN re other styles of male parent , and count your blessings.

TheFlyHalfsMum · 10/01/2022 12:45

Controlling, selfish and self-absorbed. He sounds a fucking nightmare. The tantrum over the pram says it all - it’s all about him and he uses his “sensitivity” to control you and your mum. Not nice at all. I really really would go low contact, there is no way I’d want my child to be emotionally manipulated like that. Makes me so grateful for my lovely low key dad who might never give overt displays of affection, but would (and does) do anything for us.

slashlover · 10/01/2022 12:50

Can people please STOP telling the OP that she's lucky to have an emotionally manipulative father?

ToastCrumbsOnAPlate · 10/01/2022 12:52

Can people please stop telling the op to pipe down because she has her father in her life.

Start your own thread if you have a personal issue to discuss.

PrincessNutella · 10/01/2022 12:57

OP, stick to your boundaries.

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