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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend's partner being ridiculous about her name

118 replies

TheUnexpectedPickle · 09/01/2022 15:10

I'll preface this by acknowledging that its not really my business, but it really has annoyed me on friends behalf. Plus I'm home alone with covid so probably thinking too much...

Friend has unisex name which to me is about used about 50/50 as a boy/girl name. She met her partner 9 months ago. Somehow it only recently came up in conversation that her name is a shortened version of an obviously feminine name. Presumably because she hasn't used this name for about 20 years.

He bow keeps calling her by her "real" name. At first he said he prefers it, but when pushed he admitted that he was worried about mentioning her by name to other people in case they think he is in a relationship with a man!!

She has asked him to stop calling her by the name as she hates it- and to be fair he has. But he has asked her if he can continue to refer to her by her full name to other people to prevent "confusion"

AIBU to think he is being utterly ridiculous?

(I know I'm not being U, I just want to share my outrage really)

OP posts:

godmum56 · 09/01/2022 17:54

My married surname is a name that can be either a man's or a woman's christian name. DH and I used to call each other by our surname...no real reason, we just did. Good friends of ours knew us ages before they told us that when we first met them we thought it was unusual and cute that we both had the same christian name AND it was also our surname.

user1481840227 · 09/01/2022 17:54

@HaveringWavering
I read it perfectly the first time, I still don't think it's the type of behaviour that would make me think OMG who does that?

Original poster

TheUnexpectedPickle · 09/01/2022 17:59

@Luredbyapomegranate

You are a bit over invested in this OP

Yes. Like I said, Covid isolation, alone.

OP posts:

HaveringWavering · 09/01/2022 18:00

[quote user1481840227]@HaveringWavering
I read it perfectly the first time, I still don't think it's the type of behaviour that would make me think OMG who does that?[/quote]
Change the name you use for someone (without them asking you to) when you know they have never used that name themselves in 9 months of dating? Of course that is weird and worthy of comment!

SpindleyCrow · 09/01/2022 18:04

@godmum56

What, like they literally thought you were both called Elliot Elliot or Sidney Sidney or Pete Peat?

(Excuse me I'm on painkillers ...)

Faevern · 09/01/2022 18:06

I think Charlie is one of the lesser used names for a female. I have a friend called Rae, christened Rachel. People usually think I’m talking about a male.

However I would question why he had a problem with people thinking she was male.

dworky · 09/01/2022 18:07

Incredibly fragile & selfish, she needs to think about her future with him.

Croleeen · 09/01/2022 18:10

It doesn't mean that he is homophobic.

The meaning of homophobia is irrational fear of, aversion to, or discrimination against homosexuality or gay people. How is it discriminatory to not want people to think you are gay if you are not? For example, if I go to a restaurant with friends and order the vegan option, I may well follow that up with "I'm not actually vegan I just fancied that". Does that mean I hate vegans?

It might mean he thinks other people might be homophobic. Which, unless you can tell me homophobia no longer exists, would be an accurate assumption.

If anyone remembers the Brass Eye series it was a really good observation on how in society certain sensitive topics seem to totally skew people's ability to logically reason.

if he insists on calling her Charlotte in front of her, he's a dick. But to people he's meeting for the first time, when she's not there, I can't see the issue.

By the way my daughter's name is Charlotte, so maybe I am biased. She briefly had the nickname Charlie when she was little but stopped using it as there was a boy called Charlie in her class. Obviously she hates men.

GrumpyTerrier · 09/01/2022 18:20

Not relevant at all but I think Charlie and Charlotte are such nice names for girls

Cas112 · 09/01/2022 18:27

Yes he's being a muppet

RobotValkyrie · 09/01/2022 18:29

In 6 months time he'll be telling her what to wear and what not to wear, and who she's allowed to be friends with.

Tiredalwaystired · 09/01/2022 19:05

My old boss used to talk about his partner Tracey. I had been convinced he was gay until then. Then I met (male) Tracey. It can happen both ways!

And yes that boyfriend is being a dick.

WestendVBroadway · 09/01/2022 19:14

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I don’t think that’s a 50:50 one to be fair, it’s much more commonly a boys’/ men’s name than girls’/women’s

However it’s still not for him to change her name for her!

I have 3 students called Charlie, and they are all girls!

MinnieJackson · 09/01/2022 19:21

I have a unisex name that can't be shortened or lengthened, and when we were teenagers my friends used to specifically reply to boys they were seeing that hadn't met me saying 'I'm with Charlie (not my name)' to make them jealous

PurpleRainlnTheSky · 09/01/2022 20:35

Your 'friend' (who I actually believe is you,) is not being unreasonable, to want to be called Charlie - as that is the name everyone knows her as that. I think your her boyfriend is being daft too, as Charlie can easily be a girl's name, like Sam or Toni. It's not like the name is Dave or Trevor!

I don't think he is homophobic, just a bit wet, daft, and immature. I agree with pps, that it's a bit of a fed flag if he refuses to call you by the name that EVERYONE calls you by, and you prefer yourself, and you have always been known by. Sorry, I mean your FRIEND...

RedBonnet · 09/01/2022 20:50

I know a girl who was named Charley. Not shortened Charlotte, just Charley. How would the bf handle that? Or would he not date her? Or call her baby. (That happened to me once, bf didn't like using my name so called me baby. To other people I was 'my gf' or something)

WomanStanleyWoman · 09/01/2022 21:54

@user1481840227

the fact he decided to start calling her Charlotte once he found out was the weird part. Who does that!?

It's not really that unusual or shocking!

I’d say it is pretty unusual, actually. Why would you suddenly switch because you found out someone’s name was a diminutive rather than their full name? If you’d only ever known someone as Meg, for example, would you suddenly start calling her Margaret if you found out that was her full name? Especially if it was your own girlfriend?

JustLyra · 10/01/2022 00:03

[quote user1481840227]@HaveringWavering
I read it perfectly the first time, I still don't think it's the type of behaviour that would make me think OMG who does that?[/quote]
You don’t think that randomly deciding to call your partner by a name they don’t use and don’t like is “who does that?” behaviour? I find that very odd.

It’s utterly bizarre to suddenly take it upon yourself to decide that your partner should use a different name that they don’t like because you like it more.

It’s arrogant, possibly controlling and really bizarre.

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