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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend's partner being ridiculous about her name

118 replies

TheUnexpectedPickle · 09/01/2022 15:10

I'll preface this by acknowledging that its not really my business, but it really has annoyed me on friends behalf. Plus I'm home alone with covid so probably thinking too much...

Friend has unisex name which to me is about used about 50/50 as a boy/girl name. She met her partner 9 months ago. Somehow it only recently came up in conversation that her name is a shortened version of an obviously feminine name. Presumably because she hasn't used this name for about 20 years.

He bow keeps calling her by her "real" name. At first he said he prefers it, but when pushed he admitted that he was worried about mentioning her by name to other people in case they think he is in a relationship with a man!!

She has asked him to stop calling her by the name as she hates it- and to be fair he has. But he has asked her if he can continue to refer to her by her full name to other people to prevent "confusion"

AIBU to think he is being utterly ridiculous?

(I know I'm not being U, I just want to share my outrage really)

OP posts:
Doomscrolling · 09/01/2022 17:08

He's not terribly secure in his masculinity if he needs to point out he's heterosexual constantly.

PeskyRooks · 09/01/2022 17:10

@Paddingtonthebear

It’s not your business no, but you are not unreasonable as he is being a bit ridiculous. I just realised I know a lot of women with “male” names - Alex, Sam, Danni, Jo, Nicky, Jamie, Charlie and a Vic!
I was just thinking that! I know all the names you mentioned except Jamie but I also know a Phil an Ali and a Jack!
WonderfulYou · 09/01/2022 17:16

Thing is, he is generally absolutely lovely, so the thinly veiled homophobia is a bit out of left field.

Her name is Charlie (Charlotte)

He’s being an idiot.
Although I would say Charlie is more of a male name than a females.

It would worry me that’s he’s so concerned about people thinking he’s gay when it would be so easy to just say my girlfriend/her name is Charlie - I wonder if he’s gay/Bi or have had gay experiences.

Original poster
TheUnexpectedPickle · 09/01/2022 17:20

@TheFrendo

He bow keeps calling her by her "real" name

Her beau?

Bloke is a twat, he should use your friend's preferred name .

*he now

I like "her beau" though

OP posts:
FrankGrillosWrist · 09/01/2022 17:21

It doesn’t make him homophobic just because he said that. Although I’d rather be called Charlie than Charlotte.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/01/2022 17:21

@ILoveAllRainbowsx

Why can't he just tell people her full name when he mentions her for the first time to new people, so that people know she is female and after that, use her preferred name?
Why? In what context would he say her name and people assume he's now gay or people who don't know him be interested in his sexuality?

You seeing anyone now?
Yeah, Charlie
Ooh where did you meet?
She's my boss

Why you doing tonight
Going over to Charlie's for sex
For sex??
Yeah man, she's my new gf

Its not like she's asking him to use they/them pronouns.

And if for any reason anyone who cared thought he was gay, either it's easily clarified or he'd know to be cautious

I'm seeing Charlie
You're gay?
Nah mate, she's female

I'm seeing a woman, Charlie
Thank god you're not gay

Original poster
TheUnexpectedPickle · 09/01/2022 17:21

Fair point

OP posts:
EatDrinkEatDrink · 09/01/2022 17:21

So Jo, Chris or Alex. I know several women with all these names can't say their husband's or partners do the same, how silly. If people thought they were with a man why exactly would it matter anyway? I tend to refer to my husband as my husband with people who I don't know anyway, why not just say gf if he's so bothered?

WonderfulYou · 09/01/2022 17:22

I also wonder how often someone talks about your partner - surely it’s only when you meet new people and start getting to know them?

I think it was about 2 months in when I was talking to a work colleague and it came up in conversation about partners and they asked if I had one.
If I did I would just say yes his name is Alex or whatever - then they’ll know.
He sounds very very insecure.

3scape · 09/01/2022 17:22

My cousin has the same name. The boyfriend that insisted on Charlotte was actually a controlling twat we were glad disappeared. But for a while she liked that it was a name just between them.

But i think that she's just always been Charlie won out in her mind.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/01/2022 17:23

@Joined4this

I am on the fence. I have a friend who everyone calls dick along with winks/jokes/in joke type grins. Fuck that. I call him Richard. So is he being an idiot? Probably. But, I kind of understand why.
What does Richard / Dick want to be called then? You could just call him Dick without making funny faces, like an actual grown up instead of deciding that your option is more important than his.
user1481840227 · 09/01/2022 17:23

I don't think it's homophobic at all.

Some homosexual people want it to be clear to others what their sexuality is, that's their choice and important to them.

Some bisexual people want others to know that they're bisexual even if they're in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex.

But you're not allowed to clarify your preference or that part of your identity if you're straight???

thepeopleversuswork · 09/01/2022 17:23

@Thelnebriati

Gavin de Becker says that niceness is a choice that people make to charm us. “Niceness is a decision, a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait.”

The homophobia is what he is really like and the niceness is an act. Thats a red flag.

That's a really good observation. Without wanting to derail this thread I've always thought "niceness" is a massively over-rated character trait and in fact being "nice" is often not a compliment. If the best thing you can find to say about someone is that they are "nice" its often a red flag that someone is either massively manipulative or a totally supine people pleaser. As for this bloke, yes, he sounds like a dick.
Original poster
TheUnexpectedPickle · 09/01/2022 17:24

@Croleeen

I wouldn't say Charlie is 50:50 boy/girl - more like 90:10. So I can understand her partner referring to her as Charlotte to other people... if they then call her Charlotte, she can just say I prefer Charlie.
But why would he refer to her as Charlotte to anyone?

Her name is Charlie. She introduced herself to him as Charlie. She introduces herself to EVERYONE as Charlie. She doesn't say "Hi I'm Charlotte but please call me Charlie". Referring to her as Charlotte to other people is not referring to her by name. He may as well be calling her Louise!

OP posts:
madisonbridges · 09/01/2022 17:26

If her friends not there, what does it matter if he uses her full name? As long as he addresses her as he chooses.

Is it homophobic to want people to know that you're heterosexual? I wouldn't think it strange if a guy person want to make it clear they were guy. Having said that when he speaks about her, surely he uses the female pronoun which would identify her sex so it is a but strange.

Original poster
TheUnexpectedPickle · 09/01/2022 17:27

@CrazyOldBagLady

Hmm don't know really. It is all a bit silly but it would be pretty bizarre to have everyone think your girlfriend is actually your boyfriend. If my husband was called Sarah I'd probably feel the need to clarify. Does that make me a massive homophobe?
There are ways to phrase it though, aren't there? He could say "My girlfriend, Charlie" or If someone asks his partners name "her name is Charlie" the equivalent in your example is renaming your husband from Sarah to Sean!
OP posts:
LessTime · 09/01/2022 17:31

So he used her actual name when talking about her to other people because he wanted it to be clear she was a she not a he but he stopped when his girlfriend asked him to.

How is that controlling? 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t see it as homophobic either. All the Charlie’s I know are male so it’s not unreasonable to think people might assume he is dating a bloke.
He could have used the term ‘my girlfriend’ Charlie but depending on their age or how long they have been dating it can seem a bit weird calling a full grown adult a girlfriend. I don’t love the either the term ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’ myself.

One of my sons is heterosexual and there is nothing I can see in him that comes across as him not being heterosexual however he has often been hit on by men. He doesn’t mind as he thinks it’s funny but I can imagine some people wouldn’t like it.

Original poster
TheUnexpectedPickle · 09/01/2022 17:31

@ILoveAllRainbowsx

Why can't he just tell people her full name when he mentions her for the first time to new people, so that people know she is female and after that, use her preferred name?
Because she never ever ever goes by her full name. Ever. Even her parents don't use it. No-one has since she was a child. Her name is Charlie.
OP posts:
Original poster
TheUnexpectedPickle · 09/01/2022 17:35

To be honest, quite aside from him apparently needing to scream "I'm not gaaaaaaaay" from the rooftops, the fact he decided to start calling her Charlotte once he found out was the weird part. Who does that!?

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 09/01/2022 17:40

the fact he decided to start calling her Charlotte once he found out was the weird part. Who does that!?

It's not really that unusual or shocking!

BoodleBug51 · 09/01/2022 17:41

DD has got a longish name, which I only ever called her if she was being naughty. I don't think she'd ever even told her BF what her full name was as she never uses it, until they went abroad for the 1st time and he saw her passport. Apparently he called her by it all through the airport, jokingly, but she lost it by the time they were boarding and said if he used it again, he'd get a knee somewhere painful.

It could be really innocent, it could be that he's trying to make her into someone she isn't....... as a friend, I'd be keeping an eye on him.

Kuachui · 09/01/2022 17:44

to be honest it wouldnt bother me as long as he mentioned everyone calls her charlie not Charlotte

Poetrypatty · 09/01/2022 17:50

He sounds really immature (at best) Also like pp have said, in whatever context it comes up surely it's evident she's a woman anyway

Charlie's cooking me dinner at her place tonight
I'm getting my girlfriend Charlie a necklace for her birthday
I'm with Charlie over there she's the one in the green top

Even if someone says 'what's your partner's name' (and she's not there) he can go 'She's called Charlie.'

So it's a non problem. He sounds like a dick.

HaveringWavering · 09/01/2022 17:52

@user1481840227

the fact he decided to start calling her Charlotte once he found out was the weird part. Who does that!?

It's not really that unusual or shocking!

Read the OP again. They had been dating for NINE MONTHS before he found out her birth certificate said Charlotte.
Luredbyapomegranate · 09/01/2022 17:52

You are a bit over invested in this OP