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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend's partner being ridiculous about her name

118 replies

TheUnexpectedPickle · 09/01/2022 15:10

I'll preface this by acknowledging that its not really my business, but it really has annoyed me on friends behalf. Plus I'm home alone with covid so probably thinking too much...

Friend has unisex name which to me is about used about 50/50 as a boy/girl name. She met her partner 9 months ago. Somehow it only recently came up in conversation that her name is a shortened version of an obviously feminine name. Presumably because she hasn't used this name for about 20 years.

He bow keeps calling her by her "real" name. At first he said he prefers it, but when pushed he admitted that he was worried about mentioning her by name to other people in case they think he is in a relationship with a man!!

She has asked him to stop calling her by the name as she hates it- and to be fair he has. But he has asked her if he can continue to refer to her by her full name to other people to prevent "confusion"

AIBU to think he is being utterly ridiculous?

(I know I'm not being U, I just want to share my outrage really)

OP posts:
TheFrendo · 09/01/2022 16:36

He bow keeps calling her by her "real" name

Her beau?

Bloke is a twat, he should use your friend's preferred name .

CrazyOldBagLady · 09/01/2022 16:40

Hmm don't know really. It is all a bit silly but it would be pretty bizarre to have everyone think your girlfriend is actually your boyfriend. If my husband was called Sarah I'd probably feel the need to clarify. Does that make me a massive homophobe?

Luredbyapomegranate · 09/01/2022 16:41

What I find most odd is that he started calling her Charlotte.. that is strange.

I wouldn’t care myself, but don’t think wanting people to know what sex your partner is necessarily homophobic, it’s just clarity. Charlie is mainly a bloke’s name, but he can just as easily say my girlfriend Charlie.

MatildaJayne · 09/01/2022 16:43

He now keeps calling her by her "real" name, I think @TheFrendo.

I tend to think of Charlie as a boy’s name, tbh. Lots of younger boys and men called Charlie.

Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 09/01/2022 16:43

I'd be thinking homophobe and I've no interest in that shit. Men who are so afraid of people thinking they're gay have serious problems.

Luredbyapomegranate · 09/01/2022 16:44

@Thelnebriati

Gavin de Becker says that niceness is a choice that people make to charm us. “Niceness is a decision, a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait.”

The homophobia is what he is really like and the niceness is an act. Thats a red flag.

Oh give over.
DontBlameMe79 · 09/01/2022 16:44

@CrazyOldBagLady

Hmm don't know really. It is all a bit silly but it would be pretty bizarre to have everyone think your girlfriend is actually your boyfriend. If my husband was called Sarah I'd probably feel the need to clarify. Does that make me a massive homophobe?
Exactly…I’m concluding most of the “he’s a homophobe” posts here are just virtue signalling. If I was going out with a man called Hillary (used to be used by men) I would clarify as well.
Redcrayons · 09/01/2022 16:44

Charlie isn’t 50/50, it’s overwhelmingly male. I’d assume he was talking about a man if I didn’t know otherwise.

It’s not a massive stretch to say ‘my girlfriend, Charlie’ rather than use the name she doesn’t use or like.

The homophobia would put me off.

Bluebluemoon · 09/01/2022 16:46

IMO any man who does this isn't entirely secure in his masculinity!

Who cares if people think he's gay - it'd be a laugh seeing their faces when they met her.

Summerfun54321 · 09/01/2022 16:46

It doesn’t make any sense. If he was talking about Charlie with people who knew him then they’d know she’s a girl. If he mentioned her for the first time to strangers or others, he’d say “my girlfriend Charlie”. I can’t think of a scenario where he’d mention her name for the first time without also giving some context. The only reason I can think of, is if he knows another Charlie at work for example and wants to distinguish them.

Wigmic · 09/01/2022 16:49

YANBU. DP has a unisex name but is spelt the more commonly female spelling variation. (think Jo/Joe) Never has it crossed my mind that anyone would think I was dating a woman and nor would I care if they did. They would soon realise who I was talking about when a 6ft bearded man appeared.

I think its a bit sad that he would actively do something that shes expressed she doesn't like for the sake of his own internalised issues.

Has he got a close friend called Charlie people may think hes suddenly turned gay for?

ABCDEF1234 · 09/01/2022 16:49

I would assume Charlie was a man and he was therfore dating a man - I can see where he is coming from. That said if she is happy with her name it's not really for him to change it

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/01/2022 16:57

Red flag for being controlling. It's entirely up to your friend what people call her; not him.

HaveringWavering · 09/01/2022 16:58

To those who are agreeing that it's necessary to avoid anyone thinking you have a same-sex partner- why? What is it about this mistaken assumption that is a problem for you? Anyone who has more than a passing acquaintance with him will have had a conversation in which he refers to Charlie as "she" or "my girlfriend". In what context does your partner's sex matter at all to someone you only interact with briefly or professionally?

Those saying it is not homophobia, have a think about the fact that he clearly equates "gay" with "a label I do not want to have".

LawnFever · 09/01/2022 17:00

@MoiraNotRuby

Wanker - not walker- sorry to any ramblers.
This has proper made me chuckle Grin
FlasherMcGruff · 09/01/2022 17:00

He needs to grow up. I couldn’t date someone with masculinity this fragile. Pathetic. It’s her name!!!

Indecisivelurcher · 09/01/2022 17:01

Just balancing it out by saying I only know female Charlie's. I know 3. I would therefore assume a new Charlie was a female.

Clymene · 09/01/2022 17:02

Why is so worried about people thinking he's gay? Is he a teenager?

If no one even means your friend, he could make up any old name.

LawnFever · 09/01/2022 17:03

@ABCDEF1234

I would assume Charlie was a man and he was therfore dating a man - I can see where he is coming from. That said if she is happy with her name it's not really for him to change it
Why can you see where he’s coming from?

Would it be so awful if some acquaintance briefly thought he was in a relationship with another man?

Surely anyone he knows already would have an idea he was straight so wouldn’t jump to that conclusion, but what would be so wrong about that conclusion anyway?

BungleandGeorge · 09/01/2022 17:04

There are lots of child Charlie’s. In adults I think it’s a pretty common diminutive of both Charlotte and Charles. I wouldn’t make any assumptions, but I guess the question is why does he care so much!

Wigmic · 09/01/2022 17:05

@Summerfun54321 Completely agree. I work with a girl with the same name as DP and when talking to people who know both I will say XXX from work or My XXX, it wouldn't cross my mind to extend eithers name to their full name.

stuntbubbles · 09/01/2022 17:05

I wouldn't say Charlie is 50:50 boy/girl - more like 90:10. So I can understand her partner referring to her as Charlotte to other people... if they then call her Charlotte, she can just say I prefer Charlie.
Or, wild idea, he could refer to her as Charlie and they could call her Charlie. And he could just cope with the occasional misunderstanding that he’s dating a man by saying, “No, Charlie’s a she”.

I only know female Charlies. And realistically, who is he talking to about Charlie who doesn’t already know he’s straight? And why should he care if they mistakenly, briefly, think otherwise?

Dguu6u · 09/01/2022 17:06

He’s massively insecure. He could just say Charlie and later on say ‘she’ if he’s that worried about it and not change her actual name

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 09/01/2022 17:07

Why can't he just tell people her full name when he mentions her for the first time to new people, so that people know she is female and after that, use her preferred name?

Clymene · 09/01/2022 17:07

It's weird and controlling behaviour. And rude. As are you @Joined4this for refusing to use your friend's name.