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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend's partner being ridiculous about her name

118 replies

TheUnexpectedPickle · 09/01/2022 15:10

I'll preface this by acknowledging that its not really my business, but it really has annoyed me on friends behalf. Plus I'm home alone with covid so probably thinking too much...

Friend has unisex name which to me is about used about 50/50 as a boy/girl name. She met her partner 9 months ago. Somehow it only recently came up in conversation that her name is a shortened version of an obviously feminine name. Presumably because she hasn't used this name for about 20 years.

He bow keeps calling her by her "real" name. At first he said he prefers it, but when pushed he admitted that he was worried about mentioning her by name to other people in case they think he is in a relationship with a man!!

She has asked him to stop calling her by the name as she hates it- and to be fair he has. But he has asked her if he can continue to refer to her by her full name to other people to prevent "confusion"

AIBU to think he is being utterly ridiculous?

(I know I'm not being U, I just want to share my outrage really)

OP posts:
Natty13 · 09/01/2022 15:25

What a dick.

My DH has a name which is a man's name in his country but a woman's name here. I've never referred to him and had people think im married to a woman (not thst I'd care a jot) but if I'm using his name its to people who will know who I'm referring to.

You wouldn't randomly say "Bob really likes skiing as well" when the person you're talking to doesn't know if Bob is your brother, partner, stepdad or dog. It makes no sense. Even if you did talk like that, a following sentence would include "he" or "she" in most conversations.

Thingsthatgo · 09/01/2022 15:25

I had a boyfriend that did a similar thing to me; he used the longer version of my name to his friends and colleagues because he thought my shortened name ‘sounded like a little girl’s name’ Hmm
The problem was, I became friends with all these people, and then they all called me by by long name for ages, long after I’d dumped by boyfriend!

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 09/01/2022 15:25

I'm going to look for a male Shirley to date.

Thelnebriati · 09/01/2022 15:26

Gavin de Becker says that niceness is a choice that people make to charm us. “Niceness is a decision, a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait.”

The homophobia is what he is really like and the niceness is an act. Thats a red flag.

JustLyra · 09/01/2022 15:26

@TheUnexpectedPickle

Thing is, he is generally absolutely lovely, so the thinly veiled homophobia is a bit out of left field.

Her name is Charlie (Charlotte)

Even lovely men often end up showing homophobic tendencies when it comes to the possibility, however small, of someone thinking they are gay.
Original poster
TheUnexpectedPickle · 09/01/2022 15:31

@Thelnebriati

Gavin de Becker says that niceness is a choice that people make to charm us. “Niceness is a decision, a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait.”

The homophobia is what he is really like and the niceness is an act. Thats a red flag.

I've not heard that quote before, that's a really interesting take.
OP posts:
NigellaLawdaughter · 09/01/2022 15:35

@MoiraNotRuby

Wanker - not walker- sorry to any ramblers.
😂 That made me larf!
WomanStanleyWoman · 09/01/2022 15:46

Is your friend happy to be dating a homophobe?

Or someone who’s so thick that it took him nine months to work out that Charlie was short for Charlotte?

What did he do for the first nine months to stop people thinking he was dating a man? If it wasn’t a problem before he knew her full name, why is he panicking now?

I must admit that I once wrongly assumed a male colleague’s partner, Alex, was a man, but frankly on his case, if he’d said his partner was called Belinda I’d have thought twice.

Thelnebriati · 09/01/2022 15:47

His book ''The Gift of Fear'' is well worth reading, along with ''Why does He Do that?'' by Lundy Bancroft
Men invest a lot of time and effort into fooling us that they are nice guys annd its a really good idea to pay attention when they slip up.

Croleeen · 09/01/2022 15:48

I wouldn't say Charlie is 50:50 boy/girl - more like 90:10. So I can understand her partner referring to her as Charlotte to other people... if they then call her Charlotte, she can just say I prefer Charlie.

Croleeen · 09/01/2022 15:49

And I don't think it's homophobic to not want people to think he's dating a man.

ChargingBuck · 09/01/2022 15:50

@Croleeen

And I don't think it's homophobic to not want people to think he's dating a man.
How do you work that out, @Croleeen?
godmum56 · 09/01/2022 16:06

@StrychnineInTheSandwiches

I'm going to look for a male Shirley to date.
Big Daddy the wrestler, alias Shirley Crabtree
godmum56 · 09/01/2022 16:08

teeny red flag there to me.....you get to rename dogs not people.

Theblacksheepandme · 09/01/2022 16:09

Croleeen
And I don't think it's homophobic to not want people to think he's dating a man.

I don't agree with you. He actively did what he did in order for people to make sure he is not mistaken as being gay. It would be like me introducing myself and feeling the need to tell everyone that I am a heterosexual each time. Frankly if you don't have problems you wouldn't give a crap what sexuality people think you are.

MaybeHeIsMyCat · 09/01/2022 16:13

He's being ridiculous (my name is the same)
If someone calls me Charlotte, I don't respond because my shortened version has been used since I was a baby, I literally don't recognise it

Joined4this · 09/01/2022 16:17

I am on the fence. I have a friend who everyone calls dick along with winks/jokes/in joke type grins. Fuck that. I call him Richard. So is he being an idiot? Probably. But, I kind of understand why.

DontBlameMe79 · 09/01/2022 16:20

@Croleeen

And I don't think it's homophobic to not want people to think he's dating a man.
Agree, the posters here who conflate homophobia with just not wanting people to think he is dating a man are minimising real homophobia. Silly really. I wouldn’t want people to think I was dating a woman either and I’m not homophobic about lesbian relationships.
MumOf21 · 09/01/2022 16:22

I hate the shortened version of my real first name, something that my late father regularly called me as a Child, but also used as to refere to a persons origins or religion.
Thankfully, since my father passed away, none of my other family members use it anymore, and my full original name is now back in fashion as a name given to newborn baby Girls!

CrackerGal · 09/01/2022 16:23

George & Georgina?
Yes he sounds insecure but if he's only calling her that when she's not around when mentioning his partner, what does it really matter to her? Unless he's introducing her as that, in that case she can reintroduce herself as "George".

Changechangychange · 09/01/2022 16:24

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I don’t think that’s a 50:50 one to be fair, it’s much more commonly a boys’/ men’s name than girls’/women’s

However it’s still not for him to change her name for her!

I haven’t met a male Charlie in years, but every Charlotte I know goes by either Charlie or Lottie.

OP, your friend’s DP is a bit of an idiot. She should start introducing him as “DP, my male boyfriend who is definitely 100% a man”.

CrackerGal · 09/01/2022 16:26

Just saw it was Charlie!

BrightYellowDaffodil · 09/01/2022 16:33

That would give me The Ick that he could be so ridiculous.

getsanta · 09/01/2022 16:34

@Croleeen

And I don't think it's homophobic to not want people to think he's dating a man.
I agree. Unfortunately, homophobia is alive and well and maybe he's worried about someone else's homophobia being directed at him.

But I completely agree she should respect his DP's wishes regarding her name.

Fraternaltwin · 09/01/2022 16:35

@TheUnexpectedPickle

Thing is, he is generally absolutely lovely, so the thinly veiled homophobia is a bit out of left field.

Her name is Charlie (Charlotte)

It’s hardly thinly veiled. He sounds like a right tool.
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