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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum there's a random man at the door

251 replies

quicklybeingdrivenmad · 09/01/2022 15:07

Just chilling after Sunday lunch, door bell goes, eldest DD expecting her boyfriend goes to answer and shouts out the above in a loud voice. DH and myself go into the hall and standing there spluttering out " I am not some random bloke I am your dad" is my exh.

For context we split when I was pregnant with DD, he would disappear out of her life for years at a time, never paid anything in maintenance, he actually told his family she was not his, would turn up, demand to see her and then vanish again. She is 21 now and started calling her step dad, dad through her choice at about 8 years old (she has always known her and her 2 sisters have different dads) but loves him and her little sisters, when she was about 14 he reappeared again and she refused to see him, so off he went with a huff, he tried again a few years later and again she refused (he claimed I had turned her against him.)

Fast forward to today and my DD turned round and said to DH dad can you take the girls into the back room, whilst holding up her hand to silence her real dad, once they had gone turned back to him, and said

"When I said random I meant it, who the F are you to turn up here and claim to be my dad, you know F all about me, never gave a F about me so F off and leave us alone "

Slams door in his face and is visibly upset and tells me to get rid of him, I open the door and tell him she does not want to see him, again accused of turning her against him and he waves his 15 year old court contact order in my face, Good luck with that one she is an adult. DH comes out and suggests he leaves or we will be phoning the police to ask for advice.

AIBU that she hates her father or not, if I am being honest I just think of DH as her father and have done for years as he is the only constant she has ever known, but this just makes me feel bad, as people I know have split and co-parented fine just never happened with us.

OP posts:
100problems · 09/01/2022 17:31

What a truly inconsiderate thing to do; just turn up and expect a parade from your DD.

She smashed it!

I also imagine your DH is feeling pretty damn good today too; DD made her feelings plain, and clearly considers he's the man that's got her back.

itsgettingweird · 09/01/2022 17:34

You and your DH have raised a daughter you should both be proud of. Thanks

The dna turning up on the doorstep was handled brilliantly. She knows who her real dad is - and it is t the one who happened to father her.

My ds (17) hasn't seen his dad since he was 2.5. He's not been interested in his existence since he was about 12.

I secretly hope he'd tell him to F off if he ever did turn up (he doesn't know where we live though!)

comfortablyfrumpy · 09/01/2022 17:40

Your daughter is awesome. She handled that so well. I hope she is ok.

Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 09/01/2022 17:42

I don’t think it’s an unusual scenario at all. My children rarely saw their ‘father’ over the years, but had a wonderful stepfather who very quickly became their dad.
Again, no money was ever forthcoming, and although I appreciate that isn’t the most important thing, I do feel it indicates that the man cares little whether his children are having their needs met.
I doubt whether any of mine would have been so forceful in their rejecting language, but would most likely have told him that they couldn’t have cared less - they were perfectly happy without him in their lives.

Willowkins · 09/01/2022 17:44

Your DD sounds awesome and handled it perfectly in my opinion (and I don't condone swearing either but I think it was justified in this situation). Also, you and her DDad for your obvious love and support.

Curlyreine · 09/01/2022 17:47

Your DD is a legend. How selfish of him to just rock up out of the blue.

I hope you are all ok.

Irridescantshimmmer · 09/01/2022 17:50

YANBU
Your daughter is amazing and sounds like she has maturity beyond her years.

ivykaty44 · 09/01/2022 17:50

its so predictable of feckless a best parents to claim the ex spouse or partner "turned the dc against them" they've never said - ok I was feckless so I understand you don't think much to me as I never bothered - it never crosses their tiny brains it was their own actions that caused this situation

prettypinkflamingo · 09/01/2022 17:53

I wish I could do what she did! Instead I have a half arsed relationship with a man who has been in and out my life and I feel next to nothing for. What a girl!

Herecomesthesun70 · 09/01/2022 18:00

I see this happening with my own DD in a few years.

LakieLady · 09/01/2022 18:09

Your daughter is awesome.

When you give her the hug she probably needs, please give her an extra hug from me. And your DH must deserve a hug to - he's clarly a great dad.

Sparklydiplodocus · 09/01/2022 18:12

Child of an absent dad here too.

I have massive respect for how your daughter handled that. She showed strength and self-respect way beyond her years.

I hope she isn’t too sad now about him turning up Sad

User57327259 · 09/01/2022 18:13

Total respect for your daughter. She handled that amazingly.

I wish my DC had as much insight. Ex showed up after DC were over 18, he lied about the past and now they are treating me in the same way as he did.

Please make your amazing daughter aware that she is being praised to the heavens on here and it is well deserved.

dworky · 09/01/2022 18:16

Definitely not, any man who doesn't put in the effort to be part of his child's life (including the hard work & financial cost) is entirely neglectful & has no right to refer to himself as 'dad'.
I would have said: "Welcome to accountability"

mumshouse · 09/01/2022 18:25

It's pointless to try and side with or point out the good qualities of someone who has abandoned their child. My DM never bad-mouthed my DF. I could see his shitty qualities perfectly well for myself, and honestly I resented her a little bit for not letting me be express how I felt.

25 years later and I tried my hardest to not let DS see what a feckless waster his father turned out to be. Their whole relationship was facilitated by me continuing to be his unpaid PA, calling to ask if he'd ring his son, see him, reminding him of his birthday. (And always getting resentful responses.)
Now DS is 18 and at college he's only just started directly communicating with his father. And now he's getting the real picture. "Dad said he was busy when I phoned and he'd call me back the next night, then I didn't hear from him for over a month!" Yep...

RobotValkyrie · 09/01/2022 18:26

Your daughter is a rock star. Your ex sounds like an abusive controlling twat, thinking a court order can force an child adult to have contact with him!

Your daughter should consider reporting him as a stalker if he turns up again.

SirGawain · 09/01/2022 18:29

Your DD is awesome!!!

Original poster
quicklybeingdrivenmad · 09/01/2022 18:38

She is amazing, it was me on my own pregnant, then me and my superstar, met DH2, ex fought over divorce etc total twat, am so proud of all my girls

OP posts:
iklboo · 09/01/2022 18:39

Totally think he expected her to welcome him back with open arms

I bet he'd imagined the full Hallmark Reunion Experience complete with soaring strings accompaniment and a gospel choir.

'Daddy! Oh my Daddy!' it was not 😂

tensmum1964 · 09/01/2022 18:49

Well done to your daughter. She handled it brilliantly. You must be so proud of her, she sounds like a very strong young woman.

wankywomble · 09/01/2022 19:07

Well done for raising a warrior who is unlikely to take any bullshit from feckless men

Suzanne999 · 09/01/2022 19:29

Your daughter sounds an amazing, strong, independently minded woman who’s not going to take bullshit from anyone. You’ve brought her up well.
Her biological father, her choice on contact. If she told him to eff off he should see sense and do just that.

Eddie16 · 09/01/2022 19:36

Your dd is amazing and I wish I had her balls to tell my own father what I thought of him and the wife many years ago. I have a civil relationship with them both but I'm not close with either, my dad is the wonderful man who bought me up from age 5 and whose name I took when I changed mine legally. My mother never bad mouthed my father,she left me and my brother to make up our own minds up and now as I push 40 with a dd of my own I can see the close and loving relationship she has with my dad but with my father,it's more reserved and not as strong but as she is only 6,again I'll let her make her own mind up and pray that history doesn't repeat itself. I try not to let my feelings influence her but am happy to answer questions when she gets older. All my love to your dd, you've done an amazing thing raising a strong,confident woman with balls.

Original poster
quicklybeingdrivenmad · 09/01/2022 22:20

She is fine we are having a good night she said thank you to you all |(I showed her the comments)

OP posts:
Original poster
quicklybeingdrivenmad · 10/01/2022 16:06

Update on random bloke, he turned up at our business today, I was out, so spoke to DH, well actually spoke at him, he had been thinking about what happened last night (at this point DH told me he was expecting an apology or admitting he handled it badly ) No, he cannot believe I would allow my daughter to speak to an adult in such a way, especially as he is her father, he is concerned our other two may turn out the same way and wanted to know what DH was going to do about it.
DH said at this point he did honestly not know whether to ask if he needed mental help or deck him (DH is the most laid back person you could ever meet, so this showed me how annoyed he was)
So DH said well what do you want me to do, EXH replied my daughter needs to be taught some manners so what punishment will she be getting, and you obviously need to speak to our wife (our wife FFS) and explain she needs to work with me, not stop my relationship with my child.
As a family we do not swear and do not condone it but as this point DH basically told him to do one ( DH is 6ft 5 and pretty handy as an ex brazillian judo champ) and thankfully EXH left, so do I take her phone off her, ground her, put myself on the naughty step for gods sake she is an adult as am I.
Got to be more to this than him just turning up, makes no sense whatsoever have spoke to the only member of his family I still speak to and trust and they are going to try and find out what is going on

OP posts:
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