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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum there's a random man at the door

251 replies

quicklybeingdrivenmad · 09/01/2022 15:07

Just chilling after Sunday lunch, door bell goes, eldest DD expecting her boyfriend goes to answer and shouts out the above in a loud voice. DH and myself go into the hall and standing there spluttering out " I am not some random bloke I am your dad" is my exh.

For context we split when I was pregnant with DD, he would disappear out of her life for years at a time, never paid anything in maintenance, he actually told his family she was not his, would turn up, demand to see her and then vanish again. She is 21 now and started calling her step dad, dad through her choice at about 8 years old (she has always known her and her 2 sisters have different dads) but loves him and her little sisters, when she was about 14 he reappeared again and she refused to see him, so off he went with a huff, he tried again a few years later and again she refused (he claimed I had turned her against him.)

Fast forward to today and my DD turned round and said to DH dad can you take the girls into the back room, whilst holding up her hand to silence her real dad, once they had gone turned back to him, and said

"When I said random I meant it, who the F are you to turn up here and claim to be my dad, you know F all about me, never gave a F about me so F off and leave us alone "

Slams door in his face and is visibly upset and tells me to get rid of him, I open the door and tell him she does not want to see him, again accused of turning her against him and he waves his 15 year old court contact order in my face, Good luck with that one she is an adult. DH comes out and suggests he leaves or we will be phoning the police to ask for advice.

AIBU that she hates her father or not, if I am being honest I just think of DH as her father and have done for years as he is the only constant she has ever known, but this just makes me feel bad, as people I know have split and co-parented fine just never happened with us.

OP posts:
TheChip · 09/01/2022 15:51

No yanbu. You haven't done anything to turn her against him. He did that all by himself. So don't feel guilty, and instead feel proud that you've raised a strong woman who stood up to him brilliantly!

HelloDulling · 09/01/2022 15:51

She is brilliant, he can shove his out of date court order up his arse.

I hope she’s okay. And that you are too. You can’t coparent with someone like that.

ImInStealthMode · 09/01/2022 15:51

God I wish I'd had your DD's strength of character when my 'D'Dad reappeared when I was in my late teens. Good for her.

Nailsbythesea · 09/01/2022 15:52

I’d say he isn’t her real father or actual
Father - he’s a man who ejaculated his sperm and made a pregnancy but then took no responsibility and didn’t step up and parent or was not involved in any way shape or form.

The man that did step up solely through choice is both her actual father and her real father they share far more than dna they share love and memories

BitcherOfBlakiven · 09/01/2022 15:53

He went to the trouble of going to court, but never actually turned up to see her.

So fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

VioletCharlotte · 09/01/2022 15:53

It sounds like she's done a lot of thinking about this man who has let her down all her life and never been a Dad to her, and has reached the point where she's decided she's no longer going to let him hurt her. Well done her!

My 22 year old DS did similar with his useless excuse for a father last year. He told him he no longer wanted to call himself his son and would be changing his last name as didn't want his surname anymore. He said it was a huge relief to finally stand up to him and to tell him what he thought of him.

BabyFeb22 · 09/01/2022 15:55

Sounds like me and my 'dad'. She responded the exact way I would. I know my mum use to feel guilty that it was her fault I didn't like him but they split when I was 13 and I was always told by her that I could see him whenever I wanted even if that was after years. I did try to speak to him a few years ago but realised he'd still not changed. He tried to get back in contact recently because he found out I was pregnant. She's old enough to have her own mind about him but be prepared in a few days she may start to ask random questions about him or may start talking about him, I use to do this even though I wanted nothing to do with him I use to go a couple of days and get this sort of guilt that I was being horrible- just remind her you're there for her and it's ultimately her choice but by the sounds of it she's happy with her decision to not have anything to do with him.

CaMePlaitPas · 09/01/2022 15:57

This is quite a traumatising experience for your daughter, particularly because it was so out of the blue. I hope she's OK, she will need to talk this out with lots of love and support from you and your husband.

What does your ex husband want? Was he drunk?

Chimley · 09/01/2022 16:00

Honestly I love how your DD handled it. With care for her DH dad and siblings she shut them away from what she needed to get off her chest. Done and out.

ancientgran · 09/01/2022 16:01

The only reason to feel bad is if you have tried to turn her against him, if she has reached her own conclusions that isn't anything to do with you.

WizbitsLeftEye · 09/01/2022 16:01

That must have been awful for her. But be proud of her for handling that so well. Awesome human.

JugglingJanuary · 09/01/2022 16:03

She sounds like she's (understandably) feeling hurt & abandoned by her father, which leads to a lot of issues. Despite her 'Dad' being brilliant.

I'd see about supporting her to get some counselling, because despite everything good at home, she was still repeatedly abandoned by her biological father & that will affect her future relationships with partners.

Despite the bravado, she'll be hurting.

Gumbomambo · 09/01/2022 16:06

What an arsehole, he’s basically lobbed a grenade into your home and upset your daughter and I would bet your younger kids and partner are upset too. Lots of normality and love until things calm down and you can have a good talk to her about she feels and what she needs to get passed this.

Wiredforsound · 09/01/2022 16:06

Your daughter is a phenomenal young woman. Love and respect is earned, and she is clear where her loyalties lie. Give her an extra big hug and tell her she is amazing, because she is.

shouldistop · 09/01/2022 16:10

Good on your daughter. She handled it well but I think will be feeling very shaken up even if she doesn't show it.
She needs lots of love today.

Tirediam · 09/01/2022 16:11

What a shit show of a man.
Bet in his mind “I tried to see my child and she has been poisoned against me again” bla bla bla
Your daughter knows who her real dad is, he’s the man who bought her up and was there as a father should be

BitcherOfBlakiven · 09/01/2022 16:11

@Wiredforsound

Your daughter is a phenomenal young woman. Love and respect is earned, and she is clear where her loyalties lie. Give her an extra big hug and tell her she is amazing, because she is.
Tell her from me too.

And give her a big hug. Because she’ll need it.

VickyEadieofThigh · 09/01/2022 16:13

@takingmytimeonmyride

What a knob! I am laughing at the thought of him waving the court order around though. Does he even know how old your DD is?

Hopefully he's got the message and will bugger off forever. Hope you are all ok.

Yes, I hooted at the waving of the court order - does he seriously think it means anything now she's an adult?
KloppsTeeth · 09/01/2022 16:14

What a strong young woman you have raised. She might have mixed feelings over the next few days about it, perhaps more anger, but she handled it well.

ineedsun · 09/01/2022 16:18

Sounds like you did a cracking job raising a strong woman who knows who she is and what she wants. She sounds fantastic

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 09/01/2022 16:18

My own father was an abusive monster and when I came of age I made the decision that my adult life would not include him. Of course, he also made the excuse that my mother had turned me against him, probably aided and abetted by my grandmother.

They always do this. Never admit responsibility for their own actions, and when consequences arise out of those actions it's invariably someone else's - usually a woman's - fault.

There's no ambiguity in your daughter's response: he knows where he stands. It's bound to be painful for her: the decision to cast off a parent is never easy but he's never been a father to her, same as mine wasn't to me. I never missed him. Sounds as though she's early learned an important lesson bound to serve her well in life: 'relationships are like farts. If you have to force it, it's probably crap'.

If this guy is true to type, whether you're being unreasonable or otherwise I doubt there is anything you could have done to change it. Other women have tried and failed before. So: YANBU.

Vapeyvapevape · 09/01/2022 16:20

What goes through the minds of these men ? They are such deluded , arrogant, shortsighted, egotistical, selfish , narcissistic wankers .
I hope your dd is ok , once the adrenaline has worn off, she might have a bit of a crash emotionally.

ponkydonkey · 09/01/2022 16:22

Good on her!

ThePrionOne · 09/01/2022 16:23

people I know have split and co-parented fine just never happened with us.

If you saw me and my ex, you’d assume we were co-parenting fine. Technically we are. But all my children have a relatively clear idea of what their father is like. He’s not as bad as your daughter’s sperm donator, but something of an arse nonetheless.

It sounds like she handled it well and now you and her dad are giving her support. In parenting, as in many other things, sometimes you reap what you sow.

Tommika · 09/01/2022 16:25

@quicklybeingdrivenmad

You would only be unreasonable if you spent your daughters life poisoning her with hate for her absent father
Otherwise, she has just come to her own decision between the absent father who has had nothing to do with her and her step father who has brought her up (with you)

In a similar but less dramatic manner, my sister has 3 children.
G the daughter is her eldest, from my sisters first husband
C her middle child, from her first husband. They split whilst she was pregnant
A her youngest is her second husbands son

After separating, first husband had some contact but quickly reduced contact and disappeared. If I recall correctly he was gone before his son was born, if not then while he was a baby

On one occasion C was being a dick (I think before the 2nd marriage) and no 2 disciplined him. For a fraction of a second I thought “who do you think you are? you’re not his father” which I immediately changed to “actually, you’re the only father he’s had”

They went through school using no 2s name, though legally G & C had the absent fathers name.
Out of the blue, one day on her birthday G announced she was old enough to change her name by deed poll and from then on she was legally named after her real (step) father

They have since separated, but all three adult children consider themselves to have one father and he considers them to be his children