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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meeting people you don't know for sex

133 replies

Sportslady44 · 05/01/2022 17:58

In light of the recent Grindr killing case and also the rise in dating and hook up apps. I wondered this.

Why do people meet people they have no idea who they are, worse still they agree to go to their house for sex.

Its highly dangerous whether your lesbian, bi, gay etc.

Aren't people to scared? Straight back to their house etc on the first meet!!

OP posts:
Freecuthbert · 06/01/2022 18:06

@NashvilleQueen

Surely you must know through your work then that most victims are assaulted or raped by their partner, ex-partner, relative or friend. Sadly, as a woman there isn't much you can do to reduce your risk...

1forAll74 · 06/01/2022 18:08

Yes meet ups with a virtual stranger off a dating site is odd, if you maybe go for a meal and drinks, and then back to somewhere for sex. It's an odd way to start a relationship, if that is what you are after.. Some women on here, have stated that they would be bitterly disappointed,if sex wasn't forthcoming, on a first meet up, or in any of the following dates in two or three weeks etc., as if this is the whole point of a new relationship..You can't weigh up a new persons personality in such a short time.

canigooutyet · 06/01/2022 18:26

Relationships aren't just about personality though. Sex is for many, an important part of the relationship. Better to find out early on if you don't match in the bed than spending several months getting "invested" in the person.

All the dates in the world aren't going to tell you if your lover is selfish in the sack, a 20 second shag, roll over and go to sleep snoring loudly.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/01/2022 18:31

@1forAll74

Yes meet ups with a virtual stranger off a dating site is odd, if you maybe go for a meal and drinks, and then back to somewhere for sex. It's an odd way to start a relationship, if that is what you are after.. Some women on here, have stated that they would be bitterly disappointed,if sex wasn't forthcoming, on a first meet up, or in any of the following dates in two or three weeks etc., as if this is the whole point of a new relationship..You can't weigh up a new persons personality in such a short time.
I'm not sure it's odd. You have the same 'get to know you' arc but with sex as well.

Maybe it goes well and turns into a relationship. Maybe it goes not so well and you don't see them again. Maybe you like the person not the sex or the sex not the person.

Magnited · 06/01/2022 18:31

In my time, I would always meet in a public place and do it there. It was much safer in a restaurant or train station and the police would always be there to escort you safely away afterwards.

Imtryingveryhard · 06/01/2022 18:33

@SommerTen

Have you never had a 'one night stand'?
I have never had a one night stand. I certainly don’t into you either. Each to their own but it’s not for me.
Wreath21 · 06/01/2022 18:43

@Magnited

In my time, I would always meet in a public place and do it there. It was much safer in a restaurant or train station and the police would always be there to escort you safely away afterwards.
Bahaha good effort! (Actually, another pretty safe way to get plenty of casual sex is to go to play parties and swing clubs - there are lots of other people on hand to be appealed to if anything feels dodgy.)
Wreath21 · 06/01/2022 18:46

If you do not like casual sex then don't have any. There's nothing wrong with wanting to take your time getting to know someone before you have sex with them, of course. But it is in no way morally superior.

TBH some people who want commitment before sex are manipulative and sexually dysfunctional: if you insist the potential partner passes all these tests before you'll engage in sex, you may well forget that the main purpose of sex is to have a good time with another person. And if you were taught that sex is something women have to put up with and should restrict the amount of times they permit a man to do it 'to' them then you probably won't enjoy the sex you have all that much.

peaceanddove · 06/01/2022 18:59

You may well forget that the main purpose of sex is to have a good time with another person

Or, even better 'have a good time with a good person', perhaps?' But that's not something you can know if you shag a total stranger.

PermanentTemporary · 06/01/2022 19:01

But it's nice to find out that lots of strangers are nice and have plenty to offer, short of a relationship setup.

peaceanddove · 06/01/2022 19:04

@PermanentTemporary

But it's nice to find out that lots of strangers are nice and have plenty to offer, short of a relationship setup.
I've always just preferred to optimistically assume that lots of strangers are nice, without the need to shag them too.
Whatsyourfavouritescarymovie · 06/01/2022 19:08

I would regularly meet with guys from tinder or in bars when I was 18/19 for a ONS, mostly guys from the local RAF bases who are known in the town for their drunken nights out so each time a lot of alcohol was involved, only ever had 1 murderous psychopath encounter. If I was single I'd probably still be having regular ONS

NashvilleQueen · 06/01/2022 19:25

@NashvilleQueen

Surely you must know through your work then that most victims are assaulted or raped by their partner, ex-partner, relative or friend. Sadly, as a woman there isn't much you can do to reduce your risk...

Yes. As I acknowledged in my original post along with the fact that many hook ups are completely fine and enjoyable.

My point is that it's a risk and women need to be aware. A risk that if you change your mind the other person might not respect that. That they might not use protection. That there might be violence or 'rough sex'. Or false imprisonment. Or more men than they anticipated when you arrive there. All are scenarios I have had to deal with.

Of course domestic abuse, rape and sexual assault happens within relationships. Two wrongs don't make a right though and an arrangement that is purely about sex can often backfire when someone (usually female) wants to change their mind.

Wreath21 · 06/01/2022 19:31

[quote NashvilleQueen]**@NashvilleQueen

Surely you must know through your work then that most victims are assaulted or raped by their partner, ex-partner, relative or friend. Sadly, as a woman there isn't much you can do to reduce your risk...

Yes. As I acknowledged in my original post along with the fact that many hook ups are completely fine and enjoyable.

My point is that it's a risk and women need to be aware. A risk that if you change your mind the other person might not respect that. That they might not use protection. That there might be violence or 'rough sex'. Or false imprisonment. Or more men than they anticipated when you arrive there. All are scenarios I have had to deal with.

Of course domestic abuse, rape and sexual assault happens within relationships. Two wrongs don't make a right though and an arrangement that is purely about sex can often backfire when someone (usually female) wants to change their mind. [/quote]
Every enjoyable activity (and many necessary but unenjoyable ones) will involve some element of risk.
It is crap and harmful both psychologically and politically to keep insisting that everyone avoid leaving their homes Just In Case. It's particularly crap and harmful to women to push the idea that they should just stay indoors 'for safety' - feminists have fought for centuries for the right of women to occupy public space, to explore the world and to have adventures.

PermanentTemporary · 06/01/2022 19:42

But I like shagging! A lot more than I like dating tbh.

Look, of course there's significant risks. It would be crazy to deny them. I always took a rape alarm and met in hotels in most cases, with the view that there's potentially someone around at a hotel and you can hold on to the key. But yes, dumb risks.

Lovemusic33 · 06/01/2022 19:47

@PermanentTemporary

But I like shagging! A lot more than I like dating tbh.

Look, of course there's significant risks. It would be crazy to deny them. I always took a rape alarm and met in hotels in most cases, with the view that there's potentially someone around at a hotel and you can hold on to the key. But yes, dumb risks.

I think some people don’t really get that some people/women want sex without a relationship. I’m not keen on dating either, I like being single but I also enjoy sex. In the past I have met up with men from online apps with no intention of getting into a relationship, I both parties want the same then I don’t see a issue. People seem to forget that women enjoy sex just as much as men do but many of us don’t want a relationship.
Freecuthbert · 06/01/2022 21:27

[quote NashvilleQueen]**@NashvilleQueen

Surely you must know through your work then that most victims are assaulted or raped by their partner, ex-partner, relative or friend. Sadly, as a woman there isn't much you can do to reduce your risk...

Yes. As I acknowledged in my original post along with the fact that many hook ups are completely fine and enjoyable.

My point is that it's a risk and women need to be aware. A risk that if you change your mind the other person might not respect that. That they might not use protection. That there might be violence or 'rough sex'. Or false imprisonment. Or more men than they anticipated when you arrive there. All are scenarios I have had to deal with.

Of course domestic abuse, rape and sexual assault happens within relationships. Two wrongs don't make a right though and an arrangement that is purely about sex can often backfire when someone (usually female) wants to change their mind. [/quote]
My point is that you are at much higher risk of being raped by the people that know you, so it seems ridiculous to focus on one unlikely scenario in which you may be raped and act like women shouldn't have a one night stand or casual sex because they might be raped. Guess I'll be single forever, never have sex, never have friends, and just stay locked indoors and never answer the door.

What do you mean two wrongs don't make a right? And the use of the word "backfire"? Sorry but that comes across as incredibly victim blamey, which doesn't reflect well on you given your professional position.

NashvilleQueen · 06/01/2022 21:31

To be clear I don't think women should stay indoors.

Women should absolutely be free to do whatever they like without fear of violence or rape. Any woman who prefers casual no strings sex should be free to pursue it. Risk is inherent in every walk of life and the assessment of that risk is a balancing exercise.

I don't personally know a single woman who pursues casual sex as an end goal. Perhaps that is my age (50) or maybe it's my fairly prosaic existence. If I did know someone who had a fabulous time going about shagging purely for the physical element of it then I might be less cynical. But what I deal with is where it goes terribly wrong. And that may have coloured my view.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 06/01/2022 21:33

Ive done this loads in my 20's. Loved it.

Wreath21 · 06/01/2022 22:20

@NashvilleQueen

To be clear I don't think women should stay indoors.

Women should absolutely be free to do whatever they like without fear of violence or rape. Any woman who prefers casual no strings sex should be free to pursue it. Risk is inherent in every walk of life and the assessment of that risk is a balancing exercise.

I don't personally know a single woman who pursues casual sex as an end goal. Perhaps that is my age (50) or maybe it's my fairly prosaic existence. If I did know someone who had a fabulous time going about shagging purely for the physical element of it then I might be less cynical. But what I deal with is where it goes terribly wrong. And that may have coloured my view.

It may well be that your work has coloured your thinking - because you encounter a substantial number of people who have had a bad time involving casual sex, it will appear to you that the majority of people who have casual sex suffer awful consequences. (I remember once pointing out to a fuckwitted counsellor type that he only saw people who were distressed and that people who are not distressed don't see counsellors or ring helplines.)

I am 57 and know lots of people who have/have had lots of casual sex, enjoyed it and mostly suffered no negative consequences.

TheHairyDinosaur · 06/01/2022 22:30

Jesus I'd never have sex if I didn't do this. 😂

For background. I'm a lone parent, I don't want another relationship or to bring a man in to DS's life ever. I enjoy casual dates and casual sex.

So I go on a date/drink/food, and then if we click I go back to theirs. I'm not bringing them back to mine, because I don't want them knowing where I live.

Someone always knows where I am.

I've come to no harm as of yet. And I've lost count on how many houses/flats I've been in. 🤷🏻‍♀️

NashvilleQueen · 06/01/2022 22:45

One final comment from me. I'm not talking about a few weeks of online flirting/sexting before you meet type arrangements. Younger women I work with say the current trend is 'who is nearby online - receive a dick pic and can you be here in 20 mins'. That's the preamble. I can see the excitement but also the danger.

I've had many a one night stand in my 20s and 30s where I've met in a pub/club and taken them home. This is a different concept.

Wreath21 · 06/01/2022 23:01

@NashvilleQueen

One final comment from me. I'm not talking about a few weeks of online flirting/sexting before you meet type arrangements. Younger women I work with say the current trend is 'who is nearby online - receive a dick pic and can you be here in 20 mins'. That's the preamble. I can see the excitement but also the danger.

I've had many a one night stand in my 20s and 30s where I've met in a pub/club and taken them home. This is a different concept.

What makes you think that other people are too stupid to spot the dangers, though? For some of them, the risk/reward balance is acceptable, and good luck to them (statistically, they are more likely to be 'right' as in they are more likely to have a good time than they are to be harmed).

People are always snivelling about how new technology (particularly the type of new technology that makes it easier to have fun) is a Terrible Threat, usually because they have some sort of primitive aversion to anyone having more fun than they are having.

RedFlagsAllOver · 06/01/2022 23:29

I've met a few guys for hook ups. Was just thrilling I guess. I didn't think any of them were a threat

Divebar2021 · 07/01/2022 07:34

There’s obviously a danger with this type of hook-ups… clearly. But is that really where the objection comes from or is it judgement that a woman could just want to get layed and all that matters is how pretty his face is, how big his dick is and how good his stamina is. As a society we’re still very tied to rules about what you’re supposed to do as a woman. You still see recommendations about age differences ( some formula I can’t remember but he can’t be too much younger than her), texting etiquette ( mustn’t text first after a date) etc. We don’t like women who behave like this because it’s not “nice” and somewhere in us we think when bad things happen to them that they deserved it. Should have kept their legs closed, should have waited 3 dates.