Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let baby cry herself to sleep?

128 replies

Blackkitty · 04/01/2022 04:18

10 months old. My partner and I have been through multiple times to try and settle her. She’ll fall asleep in my lap but wakes as soon as I transfer her into the cot. She’s had a bottle, clean bum, no temp, etc. I am exhausted. Should I shut the door and leave her to it?

OP posts:
Candyss · 04/01/2022 21:16

its instinctive for a baby to want to be close to its mum, it stems from our history - they just dont realise that they are perfectly safe in their cot and not going to be attacked by a predator.

I dont think I could ever leave my babies crying. imagine that yourself - in a dark room on your own crying and no comfort. saddens me.

Kinko · 04/01/2022 21:26

For me it depends. I leave my baby to whinge but I go in when I hear the cry become more distressed. I find her cries quite easy to decode. Also she sometimes cries when she's sleep transitioning, if we ran in immediately every time she cried we'd be doing more harm than good. So it's not unreasonable to leave your baby to cry but for me it's within boundaries. I won't leave her to cry when I know she's getting stressed, and her cry is producing tears because that breaks my heart. But I will leave her when she's just being grizzly and sleep protesting! Haha.

Another technique I do is when I lay her down I apply firm pressure with the palm of my hand to her chest and I gently rock her. I do this to counteract the fact she's been all snuggled up in my arms being rocked.

But it doesn't always work, so I also lay down at the side of her and just hold her hand until she falls asleep. We do what we need to do in the moment I guess.

Kinko · 04/01/2022 22:06

Just reading some of the posts..... I'm shocked at the nastiness...OP you do not deserve this and I hope that you're OK.

You know what's worst for attachment disorder - resentment. You can carry your baby all day long, you can respond to your child's every whim and think that makes you a good mother but if you're doing those things through gritted teeth - your baby knows. Energy in your home matters the most. Having a happy home, a happy Mum, where every member of the family is getting their needs met. Joy. Having babies experience their parents as joyful - that's the key to raising a secure and happy child. For some Mum's and Dad's that might mean taking a breather. That might mean their baby cries a while. It might mean tending to a toddler while a baby cries. It might mean any manner of things but it's not abuse and it's not neglect.

OP- I hope you found some help here amongst some of the awful responses. Please come back and ask your questions when you feel you need to. There are sensible people who want to help and tell you what worked for them when they were in your shoes.

RedHelenB · 05/01/2022 07:16

@Candyss

its instinctive for a baby to want to be close to its mum, it stems from our history - they just dont realise that they are perfectly safe in their cot and not going to be attacked by a predator.

I dont think I could ever leave my babies crying. imagine that yourself - in a dark room on your own crying and no comfort. saddens me.

But you would then fall asleep. As will the baby and no harm will come to them, they are safe in their cot and will be happier in the long run with a less tired mother and being able to fall asleep by themselves.
Angrymum22 · 05/01/2022 07:42

We Co slept. We both needed our sleep and as DS succinctly put it, age 2 “why should I sleep on my own when you and daddy sleep together.
We did did sleep training when he was 3. It was much less stressful. DS used to crawl in with us if he woke up but as a result of learning the rules of Co sleeping he rarely woke us up.

Candyss · 05/01/2022 11:29

@RedHelenB that's your opinion, not everyone can leave their child to cry and I wouldn't sleep anyway if I could hear my baby crying. they cry because they can't communicate in any other way, I dont believe babies cry for no reason, even if the reason is just because they're not ready to be put down. you can safely co sleep especially at 10 months. not everyone wants to fair enough but not everyone is lucky enough to have a baby who will happily go into their cot and fall asleep on their own.

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 05/01/2022 11:47

Every child is different. Give it a go and see how it pans out. I let mine cry for 10 mins then I get her up. Have a chat with your HV . I found giving solids just before bed helped my LO sleep Longer at that age Also found we were the reason she was waking up 😬 snoring, shuffling around etc. we moved her into her own room and she slept like a dream.

BurbageBrook · 05/01/2022 12:20

Honestly disgusted by the amount of people who think it's fine to make a 10 month old believe that if they cry, nobody comes. It's awful. What a lack of empathy. Why have kids if you can't be bothered to look after them properly?

BurbageBrook · 05/01/2022 12:23

@Rangoon that's disgusting. What a lack of care. To go to a different floor just so you couldn't hear the cries.... it's outright neglect. And to do it from Day 1 goes against every NICE guideline.

sbhydrogen · 05/01/2022 12:32

We used the Ferber method with our 10mo after she woke up 6+ times in a night. I hated life and was about to go back to work. She's now 2 and has slept through the night since then. When she gets sick she'll regress but quickly sleeps through the night again.

Second baby is 6mo and I cannot wait to do the same. I hate co-sleeping.

I also can't wait to put her on the next floor up so I don't have to whisper every night from 8pm!

SmellyOldPartridgeinaPearTree · 05/01/2022 12:39

Hope you got some sleep. I find when my children have had a night like that the reason usually becomes apparent the next day - ear infection or some other kind of illness. So I would try calpol in that situation again (obviously not if this is a regular nightly thing but if a one off and you can't pin point the problem - by process of elimination it could be pain related)

AliceW89 · 05/01/2022 13:01

There are no randomised controlled trials that either prove or disprove that cry based sleep training is harmful (or indeed, beneficial) to babies. There is expert opinion at best, but that’s exactly what it is - opinion. Whatever you decide OP, there isn’t strong evidence to say you are wrong or right. Just a lot of noise, from both sides.

There is however evidence that putting a newborn baby to sleep in a different room from their career giver before 6 months of age is a SIDS risk. I’m surprised at the posters recommending this - this has been known since the mid 1980s.

AliceW89 · 05/01/2022 13:04

*care giver

Marvellousmadness · 05/01/2022 13:09

At 1o months it's time to start sleep training them. For their sake and your own sanity :)

She needs to unlearn behaviour that she's been taught from birth. Start now or it will be like this for many months (or even years )to come

PurpleFlower1983 · 05/01/2022 13:13

I couldn’t but lots do.

Kittykat93 · 05/01/2022 14:41

I went to my baby every single time he cried. I would settle him to sleep, cuddle him, bring him to bed with me if I had to. He is now 4 and sleeps 11 hours a night no bother at bedtime whatsoever. He has done this since the age of 2.

Those of you leaving young babies to scream for hours should be ashamed of yourselves. 'im not letting a 10 month old disturb my sleep'?? Wtf? It's a baby you bloody idiots...they cry because they can't speak!

RobertaFirmino · 05/01/2022 15:47

It's true what they say...women can be absolutely fucking vile to each other.

juliainthedeepwater · 05/01/2022 16:13

I personally think it is abusive to the baby to leave it to cry alone for a long time - but I also really deeply understand the desperation that can lead 'good' parents to behave in a way I consider cruel. Generally cruelty can be rationally explained and understood, I find. I've read a lot about child development and attachment theory and one line about the impact of CIO stood out to me: "where does a baby's heartbreak go?". It's all so raw and formative at that age - I do truly believe that multiple nights of despair have a long-lasting impact on who that baby will become. (Not in a good way either!!) So in short - I'd try and avoid it!

feedthepeony · 05/01/2022 16:21

@Absolutelyguttedxmas

Ahh I couldn't do this. Mine just became more and more distraught. We put her in our bed in these nights and she slept through next to us.
Us too. Still do sometimes and she's 14 months.
colourfulpuddles · 05/01/2022 17:48

@RobertaFirmino

It's true what they say...women can be absolutely fucking vile to each other.
And to their babies, so it would seem.
Justgettingbye · 05/01/2022 18:05

I don't even know what most of these phrases mean, attachment parenting, sleeping training etc

Never coslept couldn't think of anything worse, they went in their own cot, if they cried I'd pick them up, cuddle, put them back in, lights off, quiet and repeat. They're 4 and 1 and sleep through. I don't think there's anything wrong with letting them cry/wings for a short amount of time

BurbageBrook · 06/01/2022 17:18

Agree @juliainthedeepwater it is abusive. All very well to say ‘oh be KIND to other women and legitimise their child rearing decisions’ but if one of those decisions is leaving a baby alone to cry - against recommendations and even risking SIDS - and setting them up for attachment issues by ignoring their need for human comfort, then no, I’m not going to go ‘you do you hun’. Because those women aren’t being good to their babies.

FalldereedilIdo · 06/01/2022 22:04

As someone who has co slept throughout, I have struggled to find any evidence that sleep training is harmful- can any of the posters making wild claims about evidence link some actual papers please?
I have read Sarah Ockell Smith and while I like and follow some of her ideas they are just that, and I find she plays very fast and loose with her science references and her definition of evidence. Not to mention selective.
With that being said - I am sleep deprived, but I love them having them so close to me,I miss them when at work etc

AliceW89 · 06/01/2022 22:26

@FalldereedilIdo

As someone who has co slept throughout, I have struggled to find any evidence that sleep training is harmful- can any of the posters making wild claims about evidence link some actual papers please? I have read Sarah Ockell Smith and while I like and follow some of her ideas they are just that, and I find she plays very fast and loose with her science references and her definition of evidence. Not to mention selective. With that being said - I am sleep deprived, but I love them having them so close to me,I miss them when at work etc
There is no robust evidence that sleep training is harmful (or beneficial) to babies. I doubt there ever will be. It’s too hard to define a measurable end point as to what ‘harmful’ actually is. You can’t measure ‘attachment’ and there are far too many confounding factors - an anxious and insecure 8 year old might be anxious and insecure for a whole heap of reasons. It annoys me too that people says there is evidence that it is harmful - it can be theorised, but there is no actual evidence.

Also from a mother who co slept.

NikKNokk · 07/01/2022 09:53

Just wanted to say to that teaching your baby to fall asleep on his/her own (sleep training) and sleep through the night are two different things.

We did the Ferber method at bed times and nap times with our DS because he was totally reliant on me to get to sleep through rocking and/or nursing. It wasn’t fair to my DH who could not soothe his own son. And it wasn’t fair to my DS who woke umpteen times a night needing me to get back to sleep and was getting terrible quality, broken sleep as a result.

So we did the sleep training thing. He cried the first bed time 1 hour but we did go in regularly to soothe him and his crying never became hysterical. The next night waking at 2am I tended my baby as normal, only when I put him down he was awake. He cried for only 12 minutes, again with us checking on him. After that he only ever grizzled a minute or two when we put him down.

So my baby has not learnt that if he cries then no one will come for him. He still wakes at night and I am there in a second to give him whatever he needs. Only because he has learnt the important skill to self-soothe, he now is able to get back to sleep quickly and easily on his own. I noticed such a positivity difference in him when the quality of his sleep improved. And his night wakings are only 1 or 2 a night. Night weaning is a different thing.

Also my brothers, sisters and I are survivors of cry it out at 3m old. We all are happy, well adjusted adults who love each other are best friends with our parents, so no attachment issues here!