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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let baby cry herself to sleep?

128 replies

Blackkitty · 04/01/2022 04:18

10 months old. My partner and I have been through multiple times to try and settle her. She’ll fall asleep in my lap but wakes as soon as I transfer her into the cot. She’s had a bottle, clean bum, no temp, etc. I am exhausted. Should I shut the door and leave her to it?

OP posts:
colourfulpuddles · 04/01/2022 08:06

@Rangoon

By the way one is in medical school and the other one is at university. It obviously didn't traumatise them.
I think the fact that you think this means you were a good parent tells us everything about you that we need to know.
bruffin · 04/01/2022 08:10

@ThirdElephant

It's a phase and will pass on its own. This is from Sarah Ockwell Smith's book- sleep in infants by developmental age. I found it to be quite accurate.
please dont quote Sarah Ockwell Smith, she is a quack who cherry picks information
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 04/01/2022 08:12

Do people actually understand what “self settling” means?! It means your baby is designed to shut up when they think they’ve been abandoned because from an evolutionary perspective they don’t want to get eaten by wolves. That’s what it means. They think you’ve abandoned them.

catwomandoo · 04/01/2022 08:23

My now 18 yo 6-footer cried every night for months. 20 minutes of it but then went to sleep. We left him to it. He was fine but it was hard at first. He just didn't want to miss out on things I think, but he just got used to it.

He now sleeps 12-15 hours straight once he's in from clubbing Grin

Bonnealle · 04/01/2022 08:31

It completely depends on the baby. Cosleeping did not work for us at all. Luckily mine slept through from about 3 months, 10-12 hrs a night in their own cot but still in our room. I think you learn to tell the different cries. Mine had tired cries, where they were so overtired and grouchy, going and picking them up would just give them a second wind and then they’d get even more tired and grouchy. Leaving them for a minute would guarantee they’d be out like a light in under 3mins. The wails though, I would not leave them as I knew it wasn’t a tired cry. You know your baby best, and like another poster says, the method is irrelevant, babies are different and what works for some won’t work for others, but letting them cry for a few minutes isn’t bad, neither is picking them up - you know your baby best.

Notmenotme · 04/01/2022 08:34

@Rangoon

I come from a different generation. Mine were sleeping through in their own rooms from 6 and 8 weeks respectively. (They were the worst 6 and 8 weeks of my life.) One of mine regressed and started crying at about 18 months. My husband and I decamped to a bedroom on another floor for a couple of nights and that fixed that problem. You are the parent and you are in charge. There is a no way I would let a 10 month old disturb my sleep. I am preparing to be flamed and am putting on my flameproof overalls right now.
This is the funniest thing I’ve ever read!!!

I’ll go and tell my children this and I’m sure the they’ll agree they are being selfish!!!

GeorgiaGirl52 · 04/01/2022 08:47

[quote BurbageBrook]@GeorgiaGirl52 leaving your baby to cry for two HOURS? That is disgusting. He stopped crying because he learned mummy isn’t there to comfort him when he cries. You’re nice.[/quote]
Or he learned that bedtime is for sleeping and screaming and tantrums will not get attention?
Naturally through the years if he were ill or disturbed by thunderstorms, earthquakes, etc. I would go in and comfort him or let him come into my bed.
He is a teenager now. He thinks I'm nice.

Original poster
Blackkitty · 04/01/2022 09:00

I ended up leaving her and she fell asleep within fifteen minutes. I felt so neglectful doing it but I was so exhausted still this point. I did try bringing her into bed with us prior to that but she wouldn’t sleep.

OP posts:
GrendelsGrandma · 04/01/2022 09:01

@katkitty

Sorry but it's advised not to let them cry themselves to sleep as they can develop psychological problems later in life as a direct result
@katkitty This is total bullshit
colourfulpuddles · 04/01/2022 09:02

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Blackkitty · 04/01/2022 09:02

@CheeseMmmm

Op could be hungry growth spurt.

That's first thing to approach. Imo.

I’ll keep this in mind. Thanks.
OP posts:
colourfulpuddles · 04/01/2022 09:04

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WarmForDecember · 04/01/2022 09:04

My DD was like this. We took a while to work it out but eventually realised that she preferred to be by herself, have a short cry, and go to sleep. After a few months she dropped the crying and settled herself to sleep.

Our older DS had wanted rocked and sung and cajoled to sleep so we couldn't get our heads around it but some babies really do just prefer to cry themselves to sleep.

They are a bit older now and still the same. DD takes herself off and gets herself to sleep. DS struggles without some sort of background stimulation like an audiobook.

RonObvious · 04/01/2022 09:07

I decided to try gentle sleep training with my daughter at this age (it was taking 1-2 hours to get her to sleep, combined with multiple wakings!). I put her to bed, then stood outside the (closed) door for two minutes. I then went back in to soothe her for 1 minute (without picking her up), then went back outside. She fell asleep halfway through that second minute. I couldn't believe it.

Not saying that you will have the same experience, just that it's always worth a try! But you know your own child best - you know the difference between a sleepy / angry / genuinely distressed cry. Just for complete disclosure, my son never settled on his own, so slept in bed next to me until he was almost 2 (and still pops back from time to time). My daughter always preferred her own space, and never liked sleeping next to me. They're all different, and you just have to find what works best for them (and you).

GrendelsGrandma · 04/01/2022 09:08

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

Do people actually understand what “self settling” means?! It means your baby is designed to shut up when they think they’ve been abandoned because from an evolutionary perspective they don’t want to get eaten by wolves. That’s what it means. They think you’ve abandoned them.
No, it means when a baby wakes, they think: oh look, my cot. I went to sleep here. I'll do it again.

Baby who can't self settle wakes and thinks: I'm awake. I went to sleep with my parent here feeding/cuddling/stroking me. Something is terribly wrong because they're not here now but they were when I went to sleep.

I sleep trained my kids, when put down in the evening or waking in the morning they would gurgle and sing to themselves. I don't think they were doing that to appease the wolves.

GrendelsGrandma · 04/01/2022 09:15

@colourfulpuddles

The thing is, she doesn't need you every 1-2 hours. It's a habit. You could gently nudge her habits into something else that wouldn't leave you so exhausted (and presumably struggling in the day, having a shorter temper, generally enjoying life less). Sleep training can take the form of patting your child instead of picking them up, for example. It's not a black and white 'throw them in the dungeon' scenario.

The needs of a newborn have to be met. The needs of a toddler have to be set against boundaries that teach them what it's reasonable to expect of the world. The needs of a baby inbetween this have to be something inbetween, providing comfort and stability but also balancing the child's needs with the caregiver's needs. It can't be all one way or you just become a shell of yourself.

colourfulpuddles · 04/01/2022 09:24

@GrendelsGrandma She needs me for comfort. That’s just as important a need as any other.

I’m exhausted yes, but I don’t have a short temper and I’m not any less happy. Do I wish she would sleep more? Sure. But it doesn’t affect who I am as a person and I don’t get moody on little sleep.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 04/01/2022 09:57

@GrendelsGrandma

The most basic reading on the topic shows you that you are wrong.

IDontKnowWhyAye · 04/01/2022 10:01

Have you tried 'restraining' them gently once in the cot? Ours wakes sort of and moves their legs and arms but if I gently put my hands/ arms over theirs and their legs but with enough pressure to limit movement yet not wake them or obviously hurt, they settle and go into a sleep.

IDontKnowWhyAye · 04/01/2022 10:04

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

No you are wrong. Do your reading.
*Justheretoaskaquestion91

Do people actually understand what “self settling” means?! It means your baby is designed to shut up when they think they’ve been abandoned because from an evolutionary perspective they don’t want to get eaten by wolves. That’s what it means. They think you’ve abandoned them*

It completely depends on how you teach them to self settle.

IDontKnowWhyAye · 04/01/2022 10:05

It's designed, if done right, to realise their cot is a safe space and no harm comes to them.

Rinoachicken · 04/01/2022 10:10

@SelfIdentifiedRightsHoarder

Have you tried putting her to sleep in the cot so that you don't need to transfer her? I used to pull the cot right next to my bed, lie down with my daughter in the cot and put my hand on her chest, stroke her etc and it would take 20-ish minutes or so for her to fall asleep
I second this. Even when they still were whinging, I didn’t have the guilt that I’d ‘abandoned’ then or that they needed me and I wasn’t there etc (all the things I was feeling and crying to myself about if I just left them to it!).

I could see them, they could see me, I didn’t make eye contact, I would just lie with my eyes closed and my hand either on their tummy or if they were not having that then just a hand in the cot so it was there if they wanted the contact.

I felt much more relaxed myself, so whether that had a knock on effect and my babies then also picked up that mummy was relaxed about this whole cot business so maybe the errs nothing to worry about after all, who knows.

But it certainly was much better for my mental well-being and therefore babies well-being also.

When my son was in his own room, we had a sofa bed in there for a long time, so we could do the same when needed, and the other parent was able to sleep and then swap as needed.

Rinoachicken · 04/01/2022 10:15

Just to add - didn’t have to do that for a long time, 3 or 4 nights, gradually moving further away from the cot until eventually didn’t need to stay at all unless overtired/unwell etc.

pradavilla · 04/01/2022 10:23

I'd try it. U might be surprised. Your def better to tackle it sooner than later.

We tried a few things but found that she wld just cry and cry and cry and get even more upset and hysterical. If we went bk in for a cuddle or to soothe her it actually made her worse when we left again.

She is now 2 and sometimes I have to let her cry a bit because she can be a nightmare. She usually goes down fine by herself at night but if she wakes bk up she wants comfort. I don't leave her to cry for long periods and sometimes bring her bk downstairs if she's really upset and try again. Also try taking her in to my bed to settle her but like last night sometimes she just won't settle anywhere. She needs to go to her own bed to finally settle down. Last night she eventually just gave up and went to sleep but it was after 10pm! She had been asleep in bed before 8 but woke up about 8.30 so I feel ur pain!

Gonnagetgoing · 04/01/2022 10:31

From a neighbours point of view… I’ve had 2 neighbours try “controlled crying” with babies. The first let their baby cry all night, every night, for what seemed like months. Even if I moved into another room I could still hear it! I used earplugs which helped a bit but when I asked if they could move baby to other side of their much bigger house I was told something about the husband needing his sleep! But eventually it stopped and with her next baby I didn’t hear anything.

I totally get as a non mother that parents can’t/won’t want to try other methods/want to try controlled crying etc but I recall being dead on my feet due to sleep deprivation and was concerned for the baby too!