To think single women in mid 30s onwards are often wrongly accused of being picky

[Starbrand]

I find this often. When you start seeing someone and dont feel they are compatible (for valid reasons, outlook on life etc) you are encouraged (often by older women) to “give it more of a go” and “no ones perfect” when you arent asking for perfection, you just dont want to waste your time or the guys?

I hate this comment! IMO women in general should be MORE picky than they currently are, so men realise they need to up their game if they want a life partner! Too many beautiful, kind, intelligent friends of mine have settled for cheaters/gamblers/ men who are just useless around the house and refuse to help with childcare. And none of the men are lookers either!

I think one issue is that in previous generations men could get away with being a bit crap as they tended to out-earn most women, so women were willing to settle to get access to the money needed for family life, whereas now women can earn a decent wage so don’t need crappy men any more and aren’t willing to put up with so much rubbish!

Lots of people told me I was too picky in my twenties as I was the last single one of my friends. But the truth is I would have been better off staying single than settling for any of the men I dated. Very happy that I waited until I found someone who was right, even though it meant marrying when older. And if I hadn’t got married I’d still be better off than some of my poor friends who now feel trapped in crap marriages.

Whatever one's own criteria for a partner, I don't see the point of criticising another woman for being too picky. She is presumably only as picky as she wants to be.

Accusations of pickiness presuppose that being in a relationship is the be-all and end-all and that we have to compromise in order to find a partner. But we don't have to. We can stay single. If a woman has decided that being single is better than being with 99.5% of the men available, then why is that any skin off anyone else's nose? Besides, she's probably right.

Some people are picky but then I'm considered overly relaxed and that irks some people as much eg I've learned not to drop into people's houses driving by, or not to assume different things. It doesn't really matter. I've had single friends tell me jokingly (but meaning it) 'I wouldn't put up with that!' about things that I find tiny in the grand scheme of things, and I'm sure by dh's friends' standards I'm not the catch of the year but it doesn't matter. We're happy together and complete each other (I know, it's ick but there we are!!!) If they want to be single fine, if they want specifications, fine too!!

An actual partnership with children and any financial mixing well everyone should be picky. I have found that some women who want children over everything else drop their standards when they get to mid thirties and behind., I didn’t especially want children and found having a partner a hinderance because you need to consider them in your plans. I feel very lucky that I managed to find anyone at all that I liked enough it as it was never going to be easy for me. I knew that and would have rather have remained single.

I think being picky protects you from relationships you don't want.

And also from those you want, I am afraid. One thing is to be picky and another one to have unreasonable high expectations when compared with what the picky themselves can offer.

I think Joey Trivianni is the holder of the truth when it comes to dating: If you class yourself as an “8” you can date people ranging from 6 to 10, but if you are a “4” you should adjust your expectations and date some one ranging from 2 to 6. (All a joke obviously but with some element of truth).

Thanks to all who have responded. Some really interesting views and opinions on here. @GrandmasCat you never did answer my question from yesterday regarding your most recent experience (if any) of internet dating. Waiting with baiting breath

“Picky” is code for miserable women saddled with appalling marriages who are privately desperately jealous of your freedom. Ignore it.

Being single can be wearing in the respect you feel you have to somehow justify it, at any age.
So much pressure to pair up, and if you are a strong independant woman/ widow like myself it can feel very patronising.
l personally would never think a single woman in her mid 30' s was picky, more likely astute. Younger women often do not have the life experiance to make the best choices, very naieve, l know l was.

Be picky. Took me a divorce and some soul searching to find the right one. My second marriage is happy, but I don’t wish the misery of the wrong un’ and a divorce on anybody.

Picky is good, it's not an insult, you're choosing what you want. Why wouldnt you? You wouldn't settle for a pair of slippers if you wanted boots. Go for it.

@crazyjinglist

Whatever one's own criteria for a partner, I don't see the point of criticising another woman for being too picky. She is presumably only as picky as she wants to be.

Accusations of pickiness presuppose that being in a relationship is the be-all and end-all and that we have to compromise in order to find a partner. But we don't have to. We can stay single. If a woman has decided that being single is better than being with 99.5% of the men available, then why is that any skin off anyone else's nose? Besides, she's probably right.

This!!

Men need to improve themselves.

I thought I did, but ok… My experience of OLD was, in general, very positive. I say was because I “downloaded” my partner from there many years ago and we are still happy together.

But going back to those times, I would say that I was probably picky or better said, a blocker (first uncalled for innuendo, bad vibe, or something that made me think they were not pleasant, I pressed the “block”button and forgot about it completely).

I managed to meet a lot of nice men, some were not what I was looking for, for some I was not what they were looking for, but in general they were all very nice, articulate, polite people and some of them became good friends (with no benefits, I must add, as I am a prude).

The worst experience that I had was a hyperactive university professor that made me feel as if I was having lunch with my poodle. There was also a businessman who unexpectedly turned into an arse on arrival and some lawyer who, without noticing, talked about his “ex” as his wife. But honestly, these were an absolute minority, probably about 5-10% of the people I met.

But again, I was not looking for mister perfectly handsome, with a huge salary or fantastic physique, because I am far from being that person myself. I just wanted a well rounded intelligent man, with good principles, a high level of culture, amazing level of conversation (that’s what I am picky at) and a good heart.

I think Joey Trivianni is the holder of the truth when it comes to dating: If you class yourself as an “8” you can date people ranging from 6 to 10, but if you are a “4” you should adjust your expectations and date some one ranging from 2 to 6. (All a joke obviously but with some element of truth).

But Joey Tribbiani is only referring to physical attractiveness isn't he? And while people can still be as picky as they like in that respect (regardless of their own attractiveness), I don't think that's what people are mostly talking about on here. The benefit of being picky is to not end up with a bad relationship, rather than not ending up with someone not quite good-looking enough!

I've never done OLD, @GrandmasCat, but your approach sounds eminently sensible!

@GrandmasCat

I thought I did, but ok… My experience of OLD was, in general, very positive. I say was because I “downloaded” my partner from there many years ago and we are still happy together.

But going back to those times, I would say that I was probably picky or better said, a blocker (first uncalled for innuendo, bad vibe, or something that made me think they were not pleasant, I pressed the “block”button and forgot about it completely).

I managed to meet a lot of nice men, some were not what I was looking for, for some I was not what they were looking for, but in general they were all very nice, articulate, polite people and some of them became good friends (with no benefits, I must add, as I am a prude).

The worst experience that I had was a hyperactive university professor that made me feel as if I was having lunch with my poodle. There was also a businessman who unexpectedly turned into an arse on arrival and some lawyer who, without noticing, talked about his “ex” as his wife. But honestly, these were an absolute minority, probably about 5-10% of the people I met.

But again, I was not looking for mister perfectly handsome, with a huge salary or fantastic physique, because I am far from being that person myself. I just wanted a well rounded intelligent man, with good principles, a high level of culture, amazing level of conversation (that’s what I am picky at) and a good heart.

Agree I was a blocker when online dating.

Anything sexual- block
4 kids with 3 different women who are all "crazy" - block
Sexist about women - block

But I don't think that's being picky I think it's just filtering the options to get a decent human!

True, that is not picky, it is filtering… at the end of the day we don’t welcome contact/invitations from random men on the street, OLD should be approached in the same way.

Im single now and have settled in to it,, but every mcRelationship i ever had, it always split up because of the same little warning i ignored at the beginnig. Always....

Little inner voice, shhsh "hey, it's just a series of really good dates, no connection".
Him - it's over.
__
Little voice 'he seems to drink every night, maybe im worrying about nothing though"
Him - "some thugs attacked me for NO reason". I know I said Id be there but Im hungover.

Little voice "he seems a bit insecure." "So are we all sometimes"
Him - blah blah blah how can you say that! How can you think that! I cant believe you x,y,z I should have known you'd turn out to be like all the others".

I could go on for pages.

I dont think there's ever no little voice warning me when i meet a man.

When im single, the little voice says "phew, finally"