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Original poster

To think single women in mid 30s onwards are often wrongly accused of being picky

117 replies

Starbrand · 03/01/2022 10:53

I find this often. When you start seeing someone and dont feel they are compatible (for valid reasons, outlook on life etc) you are encouraged (often by older women) to “give it more of a go” and “no ones perfect” when you arent asking for perfection, you just dont want to waste your time or the guys?

OP posts:
FanGirlX · 03/01/2022 18:07

@AngryAtAssholes

When people accuse women of any age of being picky what they are saying is:

‘I have to put up with my partner being controlling/lazy/miserable so why do you think you deserve more’

Or

‘I couldn’t be in a relationship with where I have to do more than the bare minimum, because I am lazy and entitled, so I’ll try to make you feel like there’s something wrong with you instead’

Misery loves company.

Absolutely this.
Youarefakenews · 03/01/2022 18:12

I think this has much more to do with a lot of people of 30 onwards, both men & women being perfectly happy single unless someone really outstanding turns up.

What I do think happens for those among us who are actively looking for a partner is OLD gives a skewed perspective of their being more choice out there. As someone pointed out earlier in the thread, Mr Dad Bod wants a Gymbunny while Mrs Mum Bod wants Mr Six Pack.
Now just because Plenty of Fish has 500 members of the opposite sex within your area, Mr Six Pack & Gymbunny are very much in the minority. So out of your original 500 prospectives, you may well be left with only 5 you fancy from their pictures.

Georgeskitchen · 03/01/2022 18:22

My mid 30s single sister returning from a blind date
Me: how did it go?
Sis: he's not right for me
Me: why?
Sis: His eyebrows are too bushy
😂😂🤩

DrSbaitso · 03/01/2022 18:49

It's kind of hard, because while you might be able to see that someone has completely unrealistic expectations, you really can't reason people into feeling attraction and falling in love.

Most of this stuff goes out of the window when you find the right person, but if you're limiting your pool too much, you're reducing the chances of that happening.

If I'm ever single again, I don't think I'll online date. I'll probably just go to sex clubs. I've been to them, a long time ago, and they were far more respectful than what I hear online dating to be like. It's also nice to be meeting people in real life where the filters and tick lists don't call the shots.

DrSbaitso · 03/01/2022 18:50

@Georgeskitchen

My mid 30s single sister returning from a blind date Me: how did it go? Sis: he's not right for me Me: why? Sis: His eyebrows are too bushy 😂😂🤩
This is the kind of thing that sounds like a silly reason, but if they'd actually hit it off, the brows wouldn't bother her. She might even like them.

What she's really saying is she just didn't fancy him.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 03/01/2022 18:56

Nah you know within 60 secs whether you fancy them.
I have a councillor friend.
I swear he's bog eyed, 4 stone overweight, awful dress sense. He has zero humour, drones on, oh and tight as a ducks arse.
He'll call people out and mock his dating matches.

Seriously deluded.

haribofiend · 03/01/2022 18:58

I loathe the phrase “too picky”. Its premise is that ‘someone is better than nobody’ which I thoroughly disagree with.

If somebody keeps going to the theatre but not enjoying the plays, you wouldn’t call them ‘too picky’. You would just stop nagging at them to go! And accept that one day they might find a play they enjoy, or maybe theatres just aren't their cup of tea.

Same goes for people. Being single is a valid choice, being alone is better than being with the wrong person and “too picky” just isn't a thing!

GrandmasCat · 03/01/2022 21:01

Nah you know within 60 secs whether you fancy them

True but, if the person looks decent, well presented and can hold a good conversation, it is worth get to know them better as you may start fancing them when you get to know more about them.

Making the decision on whether we fancy someone in 60 seconds has the potential to land us with the wrong person or in the teenage land of those who won’t consider anything than “love at first sight” worthy.

One of the things that noticed with OLD is that people who have been there for a long time are so trained to press the “next” button that do not allow themselves to devote some time to get to know the other person. It was so bad that at some point I decided to just reply to those who were recently single after long relationships so they had not been in OLD for more than a month or two, and it paid off, they treated me like a person, not an imagery person in their screens.

thinkbiglittkeone · 03/01/2022 21:03

But picky isn't a bad thing ?
It's good to be picky at any age, no one should settle.

jimmyjammy001 · 03/01/2022 21:25

Some people will say picky, I say it generally means making sensible decisions on who is more compatible from the outset so you aren't wasting each others time from the outset.
Things like
Are they long term unemployed? Do they have a career, Have they got young children that take up most of their time
Do they take drugs
Are they to old or to young etc

All things that are likely to make a relationship last long term

Mummadeze · 03/01/2022 21:28

I’m in a crap relationship and once I get out of it, you can bet your life I am going to be picky if there is a next one. And I will be so proud of that. In my opinion it is a symbol of good self esteem.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 03/01/2022 22:18

@GrandmasCat

Nah you know within 60 secs whether you fancy them

True but, if the person looks decent, well presented and can hold a good conversation, it is worth get to know them better as you may start fancing them when you get to know more about them.

Making the decision on whether we fancy someone in 60 seconds has the potential to land us with the wrong person or in the teenage land of those who won’t consider anything than “love at first sight” worthy.

One of the things that noticed with OLD is that people who have been there for a long time are so trained to press the “next” button that do not allow themselves to devote some time to get to know the other person. It was so bad that at some point I decided to just reply to those who were recently single after long relationships so they had not been in OLD for more than a month or two, and it paid off, they treated me like a person, not an imagery person in their screens.

Indeed, attraction doesn't mean they are suitable.

Someone once messaged me on tinder, 'I'm a 10/10, give me a reason why I should be interested in you, be careful with your rely'.
😳🤣🤣

HelloKittyGirl · 03/01/2022 22:22

Trouble is, by that point there are fewer men left in the pool who aren’t like that. So it can get really tricky.

HelloKittyGirl · 03/01/2022 22:23

Rely? He didn’t get 10/10 for spelling or message checking then.

DrSbaitso · 03/01/2022 22:31

I'm a 10/10, give me a reason why I should be interested in you, be careful with your rely'.

"Ooh, a negger! I thought you guys became extinct in 1999!"

DrSbaitso · 03/01/2022 22:34

Although really you shouldn't reply at all. That message is clearly just goady bait to get an interaction started, which is all negging is. Best not to respond at all.

JudesBiggestFan · 03/01/2022 22:36

I do think women can be too picky. And unrealistic. I have a friend like it...she's constantly dismissing men for being bald/a bit tubby/wearing a horrible jumper. She'll dump them after the first date saying there's no attraction. But then dates men ten years younger who treat her horribly.
She's 47 with two youngish children and a part time job as a TA...she's far more likely to have a long term relationship (which she claims she wants) with a balding 50 year old accountant than she ever is with a 35 year old whose blatantly using Tinder to target vulnerable women. It's frustrating to listen to. It's one thing knowing your worth and another being realistic.
I also find it depressing to hear people being so shallow and valuing the wrong qualities. My husband of 15 years may be balding but he's a wonderful father to our three sons, helps care for my ageing parents, supports me in looking after my niece after my sis became a single parent and is generally a wonderful human. If I'd held out for someone with more hair on their head I'd have been a fool!

crazyjinglist · 03/01/2022 22:40

I do think women can be too picky. And unrealistic. I have a friend like it...she's constantly dismissing men for being bald/a bit tubby/wearing a horrible jumper. She'll dump them after the first date saying there's no attraction. But then dates men ten years younger who treat her horribly.

She's not too picky then. She's not picky enough if she dates men who treat her horribly!

JudesBiggestFan · 03/01/2022 22:44

@crazyjinglist yes...I suppose I mean a lot of women are picky about entirely the wrong things and not picky enough about the things that really matter! If the list was...is he kind? Is he solvent? Does he want a committed relationship? then everyone should be picky over those things!

crazyjinglist · 03/01/2022 22:46

However extreme or unrealistic your criteria, it's you that's going to have to live with the partner who doesn't tick those boxes. There is no point in being with somebody who will annoy you more than they'll enhance your life. Better to stay single than put up with someone with whom you're not completely compatible imo.

crazyjinglist · 03/01/2022 22:49

yes...I suppose I mean a lot of women are picky about entirely the wrong things and not picky enough about the things that really matter!

I guess, but the thing is... you feel how you feel about those trivial things. I agree they are trivial. But if you're simply not attracted to someone because they're a bit tubby or bald... then you're not attracted to them.

DrSbaitso · 03/01/2022 22:52

@crazyjinglist

I do think women can be too picky. And unrealistic. I have a friend like it...she's constantly dismissing men for being bald/a bit tubby/wearing a horrible jumper. She'll dump them after the first date saying there's no attraction. But then dates men ten years younger who treat her horribly.

She's not too picky then. She's not picky enough if she dates men who treat her horribly!

Quite!

She should obviously lay off the arseholes, but if there was any interest on her part, she wouldn't be put off by a bad jumper or a few extra pounds (unless he really is physically repulsive to her, in which case there really is no point carrying on).

Maybe more people should give second dates a go, but I can see why they might rather spend their time on a new person who hasn't already left them feeling ambivalent or turned off as a first impression.

givethatbabyaname · 03/01/2022 23:02

I’ve accused someone of pickiness. She is single, 35, desperate to marry and move to the suburbs and have kids and get a dog. BUT, her list of requirements is ridiculous: specific skin colour; specific earning capacity; never divorced and definitely no kids; boy band good looks; funny; kind and generous; prepared to live in her town so she doesn’t have to move far from her parents; a year or max two older than her. She’s never met anyone like this before.

Isn’t it fair to suggest she’s being picky? Note, there’s nothing about compatibility here. This kind of person would likely NOT want someone as picky as her, or someone with as inflated an ego as hers. There’s also very little recognition of what she has to offer herself.

I think “picky” is being polite in this case.

NearlyAHoarder · 03/01/2022 23:04

Women can't win. If they settled for a man they'd be accused of using him etc.

NearlyAHoarder · 03/01/2022 23:09

@givethatbabyaname

I’ve accused someone of pickiness. She is single, 35, desperate to marry and move to the suburbs and have kids and get a dog. BUT, her list of requirements is ridiculous: specific skin colour; specific earning capacity; never divorced and definitely no kids; boy band good looks; funny; kind and generous; prepared to live in her town so she doesn’t have to move far from her parents; a year or max two older than her. She’s never met anyone like this before.

Isn’t it fair to suggest she’s being picky? Note, there’s nothing about compatibility here. This kind of person would likely NOT want someone as picky as her, or someone with as inflated an ego as hers. There’s also very little recognition of what she has to offer herself.

I think “picky” is being polite in this case.

I don't think it matters. If she's picky she's picky. That means that so far it hasn't been worth it to get in to a relationship.

I think being picky protects you from relationships you don't want.

Also, as women get older and the pool gets smaller, women have to date down. If they go on line they can't date their eQual (looks, health, energy, confidence, awareness, solvency)

The only way to get a relationship that sticks is to date down. Not in to that.