To think single women in mid 30s onwards are often wrongly accused of being picky

[Starbrand]

I find this often. When you start seeing someone and dont feel they are compatible (for valid reasons, outlook on life etc) you are encouraged (often by older women) to “give it more of a go” and “no ones perfect” when you arent asking for perfection, you just dont want to waste your time or the guys?

Every woman mist have a man and you must lower your standards bit by bit until you get one. Even the shittiest of shitty ones.

Nothing matters more than getting a man.

@DillonPanthersTexas

Depends how you define 'picky' though. Not entertaining lazy, misogynistic, angry entitled arses is one thing, only considering men over 6ft, with model good looks and on £150,000 a year salary is quite another. I know a few women who fell into the latter category and yes, they found themselves single most of the time.

This.

I have a friend who wouldn't consider men in certain jobs, and was gunning for someone with a city-professional type career like her. And she complained endlessly that she was getting rejected by men (if she didn't dump them first) because they didn't think two city-professional people would have enough time for each other - which generally happened after they were both too busy to even schedule dates.

She's now in a happy relationship with a lovely guy after she FINALLY dated outside of the small list of careers she found acceptable.

Be picky about character. Be picky (within reason) about looks and attraction. Be picky about shared life goals.

But don't be picky about some abstract criteria that doesn't affect compatibility.

It seems women are expected to date and date and date, until they find a man who wants to marry them, they are then just assumed to settle for said man.
I’ll never “settle” and if that makes me picky, so be it.

Yes I agree with you OP. You can have standards and that should be admired not criticised.

Oh I'm picky these days. I used to spend more time picking my outfit than my date. You end up with well fitting jeans and a badly fitting boyfriend, not a good look.
These days I'm picky with everything. If I'm going to spend an extra couple of minutes in the supermarket making sure I get the best tangerines and kiwis Damn straight I'm putting the bad men back and not accepting a bag of half mouldy man. I wouldn't buy a bag of mouldy fruit, would I?
I have put a lot of work into myself, I know My worth now and won't settle for less just because it's all that's on offer

@SuspiciousHumanoid

Patriarchy does not like a woman who says no, that is the beginning and end of it.

👆👆👆

Yep, that all the way

Another one who thinks that I should have been more picky when I was younger and decided to get married.

Agree, I’ve often heard this said of single women I know! To answer Ponoka7s question I think as your peer group is past the child-bearing years, the pressure is off and people aren’t so keen to get you married off to just anyone. I think the sentiment mainly comes from that angle - picky woman is going to miss her chance to have children and should therefore consider any old sperm-donor going.

@Starbrand

I find this often. When you start seeing someone and dont feel they are compatible (for valid reasons, outlook on life etc) you are encouraged (often by older women) to “give it more of a go” and “no ones perfect” when you arent asking for perfection, you just dont want to waste your time or the guys?

Is being picky a bad thing?

I'm picky. So much so that I'm staying single for the foreseeable. I was young when I married a man who turned out to be abusive, aggressive, sexist, has badly impacted my kids mental health and my own, and I'm just not interested in trying to weed out the bad apples.

I've had three years of blissful, peaceful, happy single living just me and my children and once I do start looking for someone I'll be picky for the following attributes : kind, gentle, respectful of women, intelligent, good job as in clearly puts the effort into their career and wants to do their best in it (not bothered about salary), has similar life experience as me ie has children and has been married /long relationship in the past, not shorter than me, and yes there will have to be a physical attraction.

One woman's "picky" is another woman's "discerning"...

Mind you, it's not just about partners, you can hear similar nonsense about shitty work conditions ("just be grateful you do have a job")
Picky = good
Not picky = race to the bottom

Surely you'd only be accused of being picky if you're complaining about not being able to find a suitable partner and if you're struggling enough to be complaining, you probably are picky because men are everywhere.
It's like going into Greggs and complaining that there aren't any suitable baked goods.

I think my post will be controversial but I have a few female friends, mid 30s, who are single & I would say they are picky… they are looking for a certain personality type and certain salary.. now I think having standards is a good thing. I’ve met some of their previous partners & they weren’t perfect but who is? Neither are they in relationships. I don’t know if picky is the right word, but I think they are unable to compromise and they think they shouldn’t have to compromise. In reality this has led to break ups as when there’s a disagreement they can’t or won’t communicate about it and so can’t bridge any diffferences. I think some standards and common ground are very important in relationships but so is communication and compromise, if you want a real partner it is for a partnership, which is give and take. It’s not about ‘settling’ but about being a team and respecting the other persons viewpoint or character even if it’s not identical to your own xo

@YungWaffle no complaining- its when u start seeing someone and you end it and then get criticism

After a bad relationship all the way through my 20s, I’ll be as “picky” as I want to be.
I’m 32 now, and happily single. But if I did want to meet someone, I’d have my bullshit tolerance at zero. If men interpret that as me being awkward then I’m cool with that. They’re the type of men I’ll be avoiding anyway.

I also wouldn’t want to waste my time on men who are not compatible with me e.g a man with young children. I know this rules out a HUGE amount of men and I’m fine with that. He could be the loveliest man in the world, but if he’s got young children then he’s not the man for me. I have kids of my own and have no space in my life for anyone else’s kids. I know that sounds hypocritical, as I would expect a man who wants to be with me to accept my kids. But it’s actually not hypocritical at all, as some people are ok with being a stepparent and others are not.

I encourage all women of any age to be more picky!

@AnotherMansCause

By my mid 30s I was a lot clearer about what I wanted. It doesn't involve men who are scruffy, unmotivated, or prone to angry outbursts. And I wouldn't stand for cheating or abusive behaviour. I don't think any of that's unreasonable or makes me "picky". Wish I'd been as clear headed in my 20s.

Agreed! I've been single for a year and people ask me when I'm going to start dating. I have a child so when I do start dating again I'll be far more selective and less willing to accept bullshit. I think I'd be this way even if I didn't have a child to consider, I put up with so much bullshit in my 20s.

Patriarchy does not like a woman who says no, that is the beginning and end of it.

This is what it comes down to.

When women are ‘picky’ that means that they aren’t prepared to tolerate shitty behaviour just for the sake of having a man.

So women who say ‘no’ threaten the patriarchy’s existence.

I got called all sorts because I will only date men are taller than me. I don’t imagine the same vitriol is directed at men who will only date slim women with big tits though.

@Charliealphatangorara

I'm picky. So much so that I'm staying single for the foreseeable. I was young when I married a man who turned out to be abusive, aggressive, sexist, has badly impacted my kids mental health and my own, and I'm just not interested in trying to weed out the bad apples.

I've had three years of blissful, peaceful, happy single living just me and my children and once I do start looking for someone I'll be picky for the following attributes : kind, gentle, respectful of women, intelligent, good job as in clearly puts the effort into their career and wants to do their best in it (not bothered about salary), has similar life experience as me ie has children and has been married /long relationship in the past, not shorter than me, and yes there will have to be a physical attraction.

I believe that’s one of the reasons I’m actually single.

Never been married or had a relationship longer than 4 yrs.

I know blokes are a bit when I say my longest relationship has been just 4 years and we only lived together on and off for roughly 18mths.

I guess it makes me unattractive to most blokes my age who have had long 8yrs and over relationships or have been married. It looks like I don’t or can’t commit rather than just had really bad luck with men.

"The issue tends to be when the perpetually single 30 something moans about not being able to find find someone, yet wants a 6ft 9, tanned 24 year old with a 10 pack."

I don't think this is very common.

[quote Starbrand]@TractorAndHeadphones yep lots of happily married women saying -you are too picky. Have no idea what its like to be dating[/quote]
IME, many of those women who claim to be happily married, have far lower standards and put happily with more unreasonable unacceptable stuff than most of the people they call “picky”.

@powershowerforanhour

"The issue tends to be when the perpetually single 30 something moans about not being able to find find someone, yet wants a 6ft 9, tanned 24 year old with a 10 pack."

I don't think this is very common.

I actually find that quite the opposite is true I look at the number of beautiful women on my Facebook page who I’m friends with in their 40s who are absolute stunners and married to/in relationships with potatoes.

I've heard the "young women are too picky nowadays" more often in the "yes Bridget, why don't you have a boyfriend" context.

You can just see "beggars can't be choosers" hovering on their lips.

I encourage all women of any age to be more picky!

Me too and I'll be encouraging my DC to do the same when they're old enough to date.

Knowing where your lines in the sand are and refusing to cross them isn't being picky, it's protecting yourself from wasting time and energy on a relationship that is ultimately going to leave you dissatisfied (and that's best case scenario).