To think single women in mid 30s onwards are often wrongly accused of being picky

[Starbrand]

I find this often. When you start seeing someone and dont feel they are compatible (for valid reasons, outlook on life etc) you are encouraged (often by older women) to “give it more of a go” and “no ones perfect” when you arent asking for perfection, you just dont want to waste your time or the guys?

I think it is ok to be picky when it comes to expectations on behaviour and consideration from a prospective partner, but I agree a lot of picky woman are looking for the epitome of Prince Charming when they cannot offer half of what they are requesting.

I have also found out that the ones that claim OLD is “full of weirdos” (note the word “full”, that’s what makes all the difference) are the ones who tend to have less social graces and display horrible selfish, aggressive or controlling behaviours towards the opposite sex.

Having standards and preferences is fine and necessary. That said, I've known a few women who had unrealistic expectations that set them back a few years.

I have been told this loads by happily married people. Also my mother! I am picky, as wanting an equal partner who plans nice things, is independent, has an ok job, does not live with parents, is kind and has own life is considered fussy now I am in my forties. When I am told this I ask the person telling me if they truly believe that I don’t deserve a fulfilling equal relationship with someone I find attractive. They don’t, they just think reasons such as not liking the date, being incompatible life wise or just no vibe are excuses rather than valid explanations for not seeing that person again, due to the fact they have no clue about modern dating life. They still think it’s like when we where teenagers and people would not go out with someone due to not liking their trainers/fave band/haircut.

I think in your 30's you just know what you want, and are less likely to 'give it a go' like you are (or I was at least) in your 20's

I’ve said this to someone! (Dons hard hat).

The reason why was that every time I saw her (over years and years) she wasn’t happy being single - she wanted a marriage and children. A happily single picky person is perfectly entitled to be as picky as they want.

And she had criteria, any one of which wasn’t that extreme but all together she was excluding a large amount of decent men.

For example (there were more criteria than this):
They had to be good looking
They had to be neither ‘too’ thin or ‘too’ fat
they had to work (agreed) and earn at least what she did (limiting and in my opinion sexist) but not be a ‘city-boy’
They had to be interested in a long term relationship (understandable given that’s what she was looking for but also hard to evaluate at the start) but not be a divorcee (why not- there are valid reasons why some marriages fail)
They had to want children but not have any already
They had to live in London (she did at the time) but be interested in moving somewhere quieter to have children.
They had to have travelled but not be from another country (in case they wanted to move back - she didn’t wanted to raise her DC in the UK)

It felt very…. tick-boxy? And like she was tying herself in knots trying to find her image of Mr Right rather than looking at if they were compatible overall.

After 15 years of changing (and reducing) her criteria she ended up with a divorcee with children who earns less than her. He adores her and they are very happy. So it all ended well but she caused herself an awful lot of angst in the meantime.

My best friend is 45 and point blank refuses to settle for someone who has certain bad qualities and is accused of being pick constantly. But if a man is a tight bastard who leaves skid marked underwear in her floor and picks his nose, what has age got to do with it

@DillonPanthersTexas

Depends how you define 'picky' though. Not entertaining lazy, misogynistic, angry entitled arses is one thing, only considering men over 6ft, with model good looks and on £150,000 a year salary is quite another. I know a few women who fell into the latter category and yes, they found themselves single most of the time.

That's because men like this are unicorns.

In my teens and twenties I was happy to date a wide range of boys/men including many I knew were unsuitable for anything long term but were exciting short term. I'm thinking bad boys, musicians wedded to their "art" etc. I'd consciously think "this will likely only last a couple of months but it will be fun".

I married when I was 26 but if I was still dating in my 30s and hoping to marry and have a family I am sure I'd no longer want to waste a couple of years or even a couple of months on someone I already recognised as not being husband/father material. So it's not so much being more picky, it's just being at a different stage in life.

I agree that it’s those who have never dated who say this the most. The friend who used to tell me I was too picky had been married for 20 years to the man she’d been with since she was 15. I went on an awful date once with a man who was rude, insulting and just uncomfortable to be around. I was telling her about it and she said “aww he was probably nervous, give him another chance!”

I am 31 and I am picky. I'd rather be on my own than ever settle for less. I've been single for nearly 8 years, no one has met my expectations. And I'm fine with that, I'm not scared of being alone.

When I say picky though I mean I won't settle for anyone who doesn't see me as an equal, and someone who wants the same things out of life as me. Looks aren't particularly important to me as I am more attracted to personality, nor is how much money they earn as long as they aren't workshy.

Nothing wrong with being picky. I'm older than my 30s now and having been married previously, I know what I want in a partner and more importantly, what I don't want and won't tolerate and the first time any man showed any of those signs he'd be out the door. I'm not going to waste my time with someone who doesn't treat me well or who makes me miserable. Better off on my own.

@Crimeismymiddlename i can completely relate to this

@GrandmasCat what is your experience of on line dating can I ask?

There is being picky and there is holding out for a man who doesn’t exist.

No one is perfect, male or female and everyone will have to compromise on some things. I understand that some things are dealbreakers but I’m of the age now (pushing 40) where some of my friends are regretting ending relationships over things they now feel were trivial.

@Nevilleneville

There is being picky and there is holding out for a man who doesn’t exist.

No one is perfect, male or female and everyone will have to compromise on some things. I understand that some things are dealbreakers but I’m of the age now (pushing 40) where some of my friends are regretting ending relationships over things they now feel were trivial.

You'll never know. For every 'I broke it off and found my dream man' there's an equal ' I broke it off and will never find someone better'.

Society always paints relationships as a 'sure thing' but it (much like having children) is really a game of luck. You can increase the probability of stuff happening but you can never guarantee it. We make decisions that are best for our life stages and just plod on.

I've never heard this. But in any case, I'd take it as a compliment to be called picky (which I certainly was). The MN relationships board provides ample proof that a lot of women could do with being a hell of a lot pickier! You don't owe any man a date or a relationship, or 'giving it more of a go', or a second chance, never mind a third or fourth. If in doubt, ditch and move on.

Um its not just women and plenty ARE picky.
Friend 1: male. 40, receding. Normal looking but nothing to write home about - I'm sure he's someone's type but not everyone's. well paid but dull job. Friendly chap but again, nothing stand out.
Expectation: 26 year old model, clever and earning 6 figures, wildly funny and entertaining, fabulous cook, slut in bedroom.

Friend 2: female, 35. Again normal looking but nothing crazy. Interesting but poorly paid job. Not into fitness really so not overweight but not in possession of beach bod.
Expectation: rich, astonishingly good looking bloke with great physique, rich & with well paid job, funny and sociable, aged between 33 and 37.

In both cases they want something that probably doesnt exist.

I've certainly met many women in their thirties who have been overly picky to their ultimate cost, but in response to OP's question, simply whether women are, "often wrongly accused", YANBU, unfair accusations of this sort are definitely a thing.

@DillonPanthersTexas

Depends how you define 'picky' though. Not entertaining lazy, misogynistic, angry entitled arses is one thing, only considering men over 6ft, with model good looks and on £150,000 a year salary is quite another. I know a few women who fell into the latter category and yes, they found themselves single most of the time.

Well, you're allowed to make this your dealbreaker, just as a bald, fat, broke 55 year old man is allowed to decide he will date only 22 year old models. You just aren't allowed to get arsey and entitled if it turns out that none of your chosen ones want to date you, and need to accept that you might have to be single instead.

@DeepaBeesKit

Um its not just women and plenty ARE picky. Friend 1: male. 40, receding. Normal looking but nothing to write home about - I'm sure he's someone's type but not everyone's. well paid but dull job. Friendly chap but again, nothing stand out. Expectation: 26 year old model, clever and earning 6 figures, wildly funny and entertaining, fabulous cook, slut in bedroom.

Friend 2: female, 35. Again normal looking but nothing crazy. Interesting but poorly paid job. Not into fitness really so not overweight but not in possession of beach bod.
Expectation: rich, astonishingly good looking bloke with great physique, rich & with well paid job, funny and sociable, aged between 33 and 37.

In both cases they want something that probably doesnt exist.

It does exist, just not for them.

Me and Mrs hr were laughing about her colleagues both male and female who were talking about who they fancied, upon viewing them, I'd say a level of delusion exists between all of them.

I mainly agree with you and think that being picky is a good thing. However, I’ve noticed that some people who are long term single almost seem to look for things to dump a new partner for. Eg they may be perfect in every way but they use a tissue rather than a hankie 🤷‍♀️

My sister in law is a very good example of someone who thinks she’s going to get a very attractive young man who earns megabucks. She gets plenty of matches on her online dating but they’re not up to her standards so she won’t entertain them. She is not especially attractive, very overweight and not dynamic. I wouldn’t say that IRL but it’s true.

She’s now 41 and very sad about being single and childless. She also still takes the piss of me for marrying her brother who she tells me is a ‘minger’ which is delightful.

If your dealbreaker is entirely dependent on looks and you are aiming waaaay out of your league then you likely will end up old and lonely. Sorry.

Better to be picky about your own behaviours and attributes than scathing about others'. Focus on being the best you can be.

Some women are dicks. Some men are too. Most of us are pretty average. The 'superstars' usually have fatal flaws of some sort. Sometimes you strike it lucky and find someone who understands you and who turns you on.

@Starbrand

The happiest people are:
Single women
Married / partnered men
Married / partnered women
Single men

Appreciate many people are happy in relationships but a single woman does risk becoming less happy if she couples up with an unsuitable man, just because society says she should. A single man, however risks becoming happier in the same circumstances.