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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you protect your son?

111 replies

Christmascardsontheshelf · 02/01/2022 05:47

I was thinking about the queen and Prince Andrew.
I think he is guilty, but I do feel bad for the Queen.
It reminded me of desperate housewives when Bree / Brie (How do you spell it when its a name?)
protects her son, Andrew (Shock) when he runs over and kills a neighbours mother.

I was thinking about it and I don't know if I could let my son go to prison, especially if he was a Prince. But then again, I don't think my own sons would be pervy, rapey men when they're older, but who knows!
I would probably protect my children if they accidentally killed someone, but if they were raping girls in a big sex gang I think I'd be disgusted enough to let them face the music. But then if they told me they didn't know and it was all a misunderstanding, then I know I'd want to believe them and I probably would clutch at any straw i could.

So aibu?
YABU - I wouldn't protect my adult child if I had the means
YANBU - I would protect them.

Disclaimer- I am not the parent of an adult, I don't know yet how the relationship grows from parent + child to parent + adult

Also I don't support Prince Andrew in anyway, I just know I'm not perfect and I don't blame the Queen for burying her head in the sand.

OP posts:
GrandmasCat · 02/01/2022 21:21

I think the main problem for the Queen is that whatever changes they do with regards to Prince Andrew, they would be perceived as an admission of “being guilty” and what “being guilty” may mean can be interpreted in multiple ways from “yes, he did sweat and danced with Virginia Guiffre” to “he was as active in the abuse of children as Epstein was”… so I guess that’s why the Queen is still finding cover behind the “say and do nothing” strategy.

I do think however, that Andrew should have accepted to discuss the issues when he was asked to rather than kicking the can down the road form years on end, and it is unfortunate the Queen just brushed the issue under the carpet, as I assume as she could have certainly pressured Andrew to cooperate… unless she knows something that we don’t.

JohnSmithDrive · 02/01/2022 21:24

@thinkbiglittkeone

My mum always told my brother, if he did anything that warranted the police coming for him, they could have him. We absolutely believed if we did wrong we accepted the consequences of that.

I will raise my son to believe I would do the same. Depending on the crime, I think it may depend, but violence or anything kids related I just couldn't help him go free.
Saying that I hate thieves so he would need to take responsibility for that also, so yes maybe, I really would make him face the time for anything.

But this is isn't the police, this is a woman who was of age when she had consensual sex with your son and has seen an opportunity to make some money by suing him for something he didn't do. Or at least that's what your son would be telling you. Would you really hand him over to a foreign court?
Autumndays123 · 02/01/2022 21:39

It's a difficult question but I don't think I could support my child (son or daughter) if they were a sex offender. There really isn't any excuse for it and I think being in the public eye you need to make even more of an effort to denounce the offender to send a message to victims that no one is above the law. It's a shame the queen is getting tarnished for it though, Drakefords son is a convicted rapist (who did some really depraved things to his victim) and alleged peadophille and yet no one seems to have a problem with that. I do wonder if it is because Drakeford is a man in power though, compared to the Queen.

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2022 21:40

[quote NichyNoo]@Nanny0gg yes but surely in your life you have had sex with a man who was older or who was more powerful than you? I slept with a 36 year old when I was 18, I’ve slept with a man who was rich when I was a poor student. As much as I’m a radical feminist, you cannot expect men to ask for proof of socio-economic status as part of obtaining consent. Otherwise Prince William could be said to have taken advantage of Kate at uni as he was a prince and thus more powerful than her?![/quote]
William and Kate were at Uni together and are not vastly different in age.
Andrew was 41 when Virginia was 17!

My DH is more that 10 years older than me but we didn't meet till I was 25.

So I am sorry, I wouldn't support any son of mine doing what he did

knobblykneesandturnedouttoes · 02/01/2022 21:44

All those saying they would disown their child, I hope you would wait for them to be proven guilty first.

Please remember so far nothing has been proven.

Not that I don't believe it, I just think as a parent it's best to let the courts decide whether or not a child is guilty before publicly disowning or condemning them.

NichyNoo · 02/01/2022 21:51

@Nanny0gg So being devil’s advocate - anyone who sleeps with someone that is around 25 years younger should be prosecuted for taking advantage? So Paul McCartney can’t have obtained consent from Heather Mills, nor can most of the Rolling Stones? Whilst I vomit in my mouth at the thought of all these older, powerful men shagging young women, I don’t think the argument of rape or coercion can be used. Andrew was a prince who has had women fall at his feet all his life (rightly or wrongly). One 17 year old blonde is the same as the last few and he can plausibly argue that he has no idea she did not consent. It kills me to say it as I never defend men but in this case I don’t see how ‘legally’ he has done anything wrong.

Laiste · 02/01/2022 21:52

I don't have any sons, so will never be in this exact scenario myself.

A shocking situation arose in our family a while ago which meant that some aged parents had to face their son's crime. He admitted it, so there was no insisting of innocence. They jumped through massive hoops to come up with excuses for him though. It's left a lot of family members angry and bewildered. Shook up the whole family and hard decisions had to be made.

I feel sorry for them even so. Horrible position to be put in.

The point is, to answer the actual OP, I don't think you can say how you'll react unless it happens to you.

lljkk · 02/01/2022 21:57

I wouldn't protect my child who had murdered someone.

I would like anyone who abused Virginia to face justice but if I never know another fact about who that was -- that would be great. I just don't care if it was PA or anyone else famous.

RosesAndHellebores · 02/01/2022 22:00

I have told my grown-up children many times that I will love them whatever they do but there may be things they do that would make me dislike them.

Someone will come out of this very badly.

MyGreenTutu · 02/01/2022 22:01

On another note, someone from the Queen's generation wouldn't think of the girls as being that young and would apportion some blame towards them

Yes, exactly this. The queen was corresponding with Prince Philip from the age of 13 (he was 18).

hownowpurplecow · 02/01/2022 22:05

If it was rape or child abuse, no I couldn’t support him and I would make him own up to what he’d done and face the consequences if I was able. But I’d cover for him in a situation like the desperate housewives hit & run scenario.

StoneofDestiny · 02/01/2022 22:15

There is a difference between protecting your child (remember Andrew is a 61 year old father and grandfather)from the law and supporting them. I'd support my sons with lawyers etc and not disown them - they are my sons for life. I'd not help them break the law by lying for them and hindering justice.
What we have with Andrew is huge public funds going into resisting an FBI investigation - where he is being asked to speak as a witness! The British police and Palace Security are being dragged into this as they are not being asked to give evidence of his whereabouts. We know Andrew did not travel without security - the arrogant sod demanded it for himself and his offspring even when they went on their many holidays and nightclub trips. The whole monarchy is corrupt and rotten to the core - always has been.

Porcupineintherough · 02/01/2022 22:41

@hownowpurplecow yeah, it's not like killing people in a hit and run really destroys any lives. Tell me, are there any limits to the number of vehicle killings you'd help cover up? What about if he ran over a teenager, is that ok? But a child that would be problematic yes?

phishy · 02/01/2022 22:48

I just know I'm not perfect

I really hate this phrase. No one thinks or expects you to be perfect, just not to rape girls or cover up for rapists.

Equating that with not doing your recycling or gossiping doesn’t help anyone.

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2022 23:02

[quote NichyNoo]@Nanny0gg So being devil’s advocate - anyone who sleeps with someone that is around 25 years younger should be prosecuted for taking advantage? So Paul McCartney can’t have obtained consent from Heather Mills, nor can most of the Rolling Stones? Whilst I vomit in my mouth at the thought of all these older, powerful men shagging young women, I don’t think the argument of rape or coercion can be used. Andrew was a prince who has had women fall at his feet all his life (rightly or wrongly). One 17 year old blonde is the same as the last few and he can plausibly argue that he has no idea she did not consent. It kills me to say it as I never defend men but in this case I don’t see how ‘legally’ he has done anything wrong.[/quote]
I'm sorry. You are spectacularly missing the point comparing Virginia Giuffre with Heather Mills. 17 years old is not a fully grown, mature woman
I'm sorry, but morally what he did was indefensible as was the action of many pop stars - Bill Whyman for one.

VintageCookbook · 02/01/2022 23:06

@ShippingNews

Sorry, I didn't vote. I've got an adult son and I'd always support him, even if he did a really bad crime like murder. I'd get him a lawyer, and I'd be telling the press what a good boy he has always been, lol. So YANBU.
Gross.
IsDiscovered · 02/01/2022 23:07

I think the hit and run would be much harder to support. Not because it's a greater crime, but because its more clear cut. In PA's case and others like it, there's always a story that a mother who wants to believe it (and you would, wouldn't you?) can hang onto to absolve her son.

ParkheadParadise · 02/01/2022 23:08

Interesting thread.
Years ago I received a phone call from the care home my mum was a resident in to say that my daughter and her partner had visited mum and stolen from the home.
I was mortified and my siblings were raging. I went home upset and hours later the two of them appeared at my house under the influence of drugs. I went to my bedroom and phoned the police. They came and arrested them. It was a turning point for my dd she went into rehab(3rd time) and got clean and left him for good. She had finally started to get her life in order.

3 months later he brutally murdered her. His mother appeared in court and Lied under oath. I hate to admit it but I suspect she was scared of him. She wasn't a great role model she had drug issues herself and her husband and son were both in prison.
BUT she still lied. My dd had an awful death 💔💔 that's something I can't forgive.
I couldn't lie and protect my child when I know the pain it causes. It doesn't help them either.

StoneofDestiny · 02/01/2022 23:13

I'm worried how the police are being forced into conspiracy through silence, not just regarding Andrew's whereabouts and meetings, but through the Tory's partying - they know who was in any government building and what was going on during lockdown.

We need an impartial police force and increasingly we are being shown we haven't got one.

VintageCookbook · 02/01/2022 23:23

@ParkheadParadise

Interesting thread. Years ago I received a phone call from the care home my mum was a resident in to say that my daughter and her partner had visited mum and stolen from the home. I was mortified and my siblings were raging. I went home upset and hours later the two of them appeared at my house under the influence of drugs. I went to my bedroom and phoned the police. They came and arrested them. It was a turning point for my dd she went into rehab(3rd time) and got clean and left him for good. She had finally started to get her life in order.

3 months later he brutally murdered her. His mother appeared in court and Lied under oath. I hate to admit it but I suspect she was scared of him. She wasn't a great role model she had drug issues herself and her husband and son were both in prison.
BUT she still lied. My dd had an awful death 💔💔 that's something I can't forgive.
I couldn't lie and protect my child when I know the pain it causes. It doesn't help them either.

So very sorry to hear that. Flowers

I wonder if that previous poster who thought her comment was 'lol' worthy will still think so Hmm

BliainNua · 02/01/2022 23:24

I'd like to think I taught them the difference between right and wrong, and if they did something wrong they'd stand up and take responsibility and accept consequences.
PA will never do this, because he will never believe he has to accept consequences. Rich powerful people don't.

BliainNua · 02/01/2022 23:27

@ParkheadParadise I'm so sorry, that's dreadful. I hope you have made your peace with with the whole thing. Your poor daughter 😢

OppsUpsSide · 02/01/2022 23:32

I think Prince Andrew is the hill the Queen is prepared to die on. I think she has and will continue to choose him over legendary commitment to ‘duty’, unless Prince Charles gets to step in?
I also think she wouldn’t have made the same choice for the benefit of Prince Charles!
And no I know I don’t know anymore than anyone else, it’s just my own musings!

phishy · 02/01/2022 23:46

I also think she wouldn’t have made the same choice for the benefit of Prince Charles!

Of course she would, he’s her heir.

phishy · 02/01/2022 23:46

@ParkheadParadise

Interesting thread. Years ago I received a phone call from the care home my mum was a resident in to say that my daughter and her partner had visited mum and stolen from the home. I was mortified and my siblings were raging. I went home upset and hours later the two of them appeared at my house under the influence of drugs. I went to my bedroom and phoned the police. They came and arrested them. It was a turning point for my dd she went into rehab(3rd time) and got clean and left him for good. She had finally started to get her life in order.

3 months later he brutally murdered her. His mother appeared in court and Lied under oath. I hate to admit it but I suspect she was scared of him. She wasn't a great role model she had drug issues herself and her husband and son were both in prison.
BUT she still lied. My dd had an awful death 💔💔 that's something I can't forgive.
I couldn't lie and protect my child when I know the pain it causes. It doesn't help them either.

I’m so sorry Park Sad

I hope he is in jail for the rest of his life x