To think my friend is overstepping boundaries with my family

[Singingtherapy]

One of my closest friends is someone I've known since primary school, we're now in our 50s. She's lovely and we're incredibly close. But the one thing she does that seriously winds me up is treating my family as her own friends, independently of me. Two recent examples.

1. a few months ago she was at my house at the same time as my mum. My mum mentioned that she and my dad were getting tickets to a show at a local theatre and suggested we all go. I said I couldn't as I had other arrangements so that was the end of the conversation. Then a few days later my friend texted me to say that she was going to the show with my mum and her own mum. She'd called my mum and arranged for them to all go together.
2. She thought my brother might be the best person to help her with a project she was doing at work. He does similar work to her. Again she just randomly texted me to say she had called him and arranged to take him out for lunch to discuss it. She knew him years ago but they're not in contact. AIBU to think that socialising with the immediate family of your close friends should only happen if the friend is included?

I don't see a problem?

I think it would be more upsetting if your friend didn't get on well with your family!

Yabu

I have a friend similar to yours. Known each other for 40+ years . I love that she treats my mum and dad as her family too. She pops round to see my mum all the time for coffee and a chat. Why does it bother you ? Are you jealous?

I feel sorry for you that you see this as an issue rather than something very healthy and lovely (meant kindly). The world can be a pretty lonely and isolating place lately, to have friends so close they feel they can be this way with your family is wonderful, we need more people behaving like that. If your family like her, and she's not inappropriate or annoying to them... what's the harm? I hope you find a way to be happy about it I really do.

She is telling you she is doing these things not hiding it !

Umm yeah very obviously YABU - you sound jealous and controlling.

So unless you could go with your mum to the show, then she wasn’t allowed to go with anyone else? I would have been grateful my friend of 40+ years was able to take my mum so she didn’t miss out.

And why wouldn’t she ask your brother for help if they work in a similar field and if they’ve presumably known each other for as long as you have? The lunch sounds like a nice thing to do because as you say, they’re not in regular contact.

The problem isn’t her.

Wtf. You don't own your family. If they are happy to do these things with her then what is the problem? Your family are not your possessions. If they want a relationship with your friend independently of you then that is their business and nothing to do with you

As everyone else has said, YABU. Your family has been in her life for almost 50 years and I think it's great that she sees your mum as someone she enjoys the company of and not just as your mum.

I've been friends with my best mate for 6 years and I hung out with her mum the other day 😂 I saw her walking her dog and joined her then went back to hers for a tea... I didn't sense any weirdness from friend when she found out?

If this is overstepping then I do it a lot! I've become friends with my friend's sister and it's completely independent of my original friend!
YABU this is all very normal. My own best friend visits my older sister when she's in the town they live in too.

Your friend is doing completely normal things. YABU and a bit ridiculous.

YABVU

This is a reverse isn't it?

Oh for goodness sake!!! YABVU and ridiculous.

depends really what shes like outside of those incidents

@Singingtherapy

Ok happy to accept iabu. Will sort my insecurities out.

Good on you, OP, for taking the responses on board!

Im so close to a friends mum that I’m like her second daughter! My friend moved to Australia and she was left widowed and alone next door….

When you’ve known someone and see there family many times they are like family….
I don’t get these people who close doors and are so unsharing/ungenerous with their closest friends.

Maybe it should be your New Years resolution to change your outlook.

You are being ridiculous.

The length of your friendship and the closeness of it mean that over the years, your family HAVE become friends with her. Take a close look at your feelings about this...it sounds as if you are, after all this time, insecure about either your friend, or your family, or both. They can like and enjoy each other without affecting their liking/loving of you.

Seriously, OP, what is your issue with these two examples? Did you feel your friend should have asked your permission before both?

So, is your mum friends with her mum?

Do you have a bit of sibling - type rivalry with her, perhaps? That is kinda what this is coming across as

It's funny, you are definitely being unreasonable but...I sort of know what you mean? It would be a bit like coming home and finding your friend sitting in your place at the table, wearing your slippers and drinking out of your mug. A bit more at-home than one expects.

My best friend genuinely sees my mum more than I do - she lives round the corner and I live miles away, they have a brew at least once a week!

Known her since I was 4, she is family, it never occurred to me to be bothered.

I'm quite close now with another very old friend's sibling who's become a friend of mine in their own right - I'd be annoyed if he said I wasn't allowed to hang out with his sibling.