Single, choosing a sperm from sperm bank, feeling like I failed big time

[NeedToBeBrave1]

In finding love.....
I am ok with everything else, but the "failure"feeling is very hard to handle.

@CatJumperTwat

Have you looked into the outcomes of children conceived this way?

Regardless of socioeconomic status, donor offspring are twice as likely as those raised by biological parents to report problems with the law before age 25. They are more than twice as likely to report having struggled with substance abuse. And they are about 1.5 times as likely to report depression or other mental health problems.

How likely are they to jump on people online with a fatuous statistic devoid of context to try to make them feel like shit?

@YuleiamsaidI

Believe me a sperm donor would be preferable to what I lumbered my kids with.

@NeedToBeBrave1

Thank you so much for all your kind heartwarming comments. It really give me strength. 🙏

"Am I being selfish..?" This is the biggest question in my heart. I will give him/her all the love I have of course, and I am confident that I will be a great mom. But what if he/she asks "why I don't have a dad like xxx", I will feel immensely guilty...

I may be going against the grain slightly here but if you want to use this route I think there are three things you need to be prepared to do. I think you should give the child all the information you have, when it's age appropriate of course, about their biological father. Second you need to be prepared to support them in making contact should they wish to do so when they turn 18. Lastly I think you also need to be prepared for 'why don't I have a dad' and to allow the child to express their feelings freely and openly, whatever form those may take. If you can do all of those three things then I see no reason for you to feel guilty.

Not a men's rights activist, just someone who ended up with nothing about their biological father and not a shred of support from anyone in my family. The damage that caused was real and could have been 100% avoided if even one person in my family had been prepared to put their feelings aside and support me.

@NeedToBeBrave1

Thank you so much for all your kind heartwarming comments. It really give me strength. 🙏

"Am I being selfish..?" This is the biggest question in my heart. I will give him/her all the love I have of course, and I am confident that I will be a great mom. But what if he/she asks "why I don't have a dad like xxx", I will feel immensely guilty...

I don't think you're being selfish at all. Not one bit. If your child asks this (you never know, they might have a step dad when they're older, but if not..) you can explain to them: "I didn't want to wait a minute longer for you. I had so much love to give to you, and wanted to meet you as soon as possible to share that love". There are books you can buy online I think called 'my birth story' where you include how they were brought into the world etc that are really good for this.

Please don't think you're selfish. As long as your child feels safe and loved, you're doing everything right. Sadly, some children don't feel this even with 2 parents.

@Ansjovis

Hi, thank you so much for the advice, and yes, I prepare to do all three above. that's why I made these decisions before take the route of being a single mum and is a part of mentally ready process. This is also a huge factor in the sperm donor selection process, and in a way make it harder, as I want someone who is open for contact. I also very carefully read the letter he wrote to the child and evaluate their reasons of being a donor.
In my opinion, a new life should be born when both parents genuinely wish it to come to the world. Using a sperm donor doesn't change this fact. No, the man won't be my partner, but he still wants this life to exist in the first place. What I can do it to be 100% sure myself, that includes that I can and will put the child's interest first, and he/she is not a result/replacement of me disappointing in men or finding love.
It will be hard, and thank you again so much for the kind reminder.

@LetsStartAgain111
Thank you so much, reading replies with such a warm feeling and tears in my eyes.
Thank you everyone for being so open and understanding.
Maybe I will write about this thread in "my birth story".

My friend has a little boy from using a sperm bank, they are a great little team and have a brilliant life! She knew she wanted a child and didn't want to hang around on the off chance she might meet someone she wanted a child with. She would say it's the best decision she ever made

The single mother by choice that I know has a tough but rewarding life and a really lovely son. I think she is a lot better off than the ones who made poor choices of partner, like a couple of other friends I know. They do get some money from their exes, but they also have to deal with a lot of unpleasant drama. And their kids are showing signs of taking after the absent fathers.

Re previous poster, about disclosing information to child: if the OP is in the UK, I think she is legally required to do all the above and kids have the legal right to be informed once they are 16. The only kids who are at risk of being left in the dark these days, are the ones who were born from either unofficial or overseas arrangements.

I'd also like to see a source for the supposed bad outcomes of donor conceived children. This statement does not accord at all with the data I have seen, which all seems to suggest that donor conceived children have similar outcomes to other children raised in similar socio economic backgrounds. CatJumperTwat, can you give a source?

@user1477391263

Re previous poster, about disclosing information to child: if the OP is in the UK, I think she is legally required to do all the above and kids have the legal right to be informed once they are 16. The only kids who are at risk of being left in the dark these days, are the ones who were born from either unofficial or overseas arrangements.

I believe it's 'heavily encouraged' rather than legally required to tell the child before 16. Could be wrong, but that's what we were told when we did it 4.5 years ago.

That's interesting, thanks. Does the agency basically contact the child at 16 and say "In case you have not been informed, you were conceived by donation," or is it just a case of, the child will be given the contact details if they show up and ask for them? (Sorry to pry, I'm just curious. My cousin donated eggs a few years ago. We're all secretly hoping that one day, a long-lost family member born from this donation might turn up, as we would all be thrilled to meet them)

There's a really good IVF support group on Facebook, pm me if you want the link, there are single women on there so connecting with people going through the same thing could be really useful.

I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world, OP.
Think of it as a positive choice, that, these days, we are lucky enough to have. You don’t have to conform to a societal norm of a family, you’ll be creating a loving home for your child to be.
I was not fortunate in my choices of husbands, 1st was a cheater, 2nd one was an a abusive psychopath.I had 5 rounds of different fertility treatment, but never succeeded. I’m past it now, as I think it was for the best.
You are making a conscious and careful choice, and if your child does ask why they haven’t got a father about the place, you can tell them whatever is appropriate to their age, but also that mummy was strong enough to have them alone, and have lots of family and friends in their lives, if feasible xx

I think what you are doing is wonderful. Making a positive choice for yourself in respect of the family you want. I see no failure at all; and I think the failure would be in knowing you’d like a family and not having the courage - in the absence of a partner - to go out on your own and do what you are now doing.

I know several lone / single mums who have used a sperm donor and have raised really beautiful children and within their loving and kind family.

Families come in all shapes and sizes. You won’t be lumbered with the difficulties which arise following any breakup, be able to self determine the living location for your family, nor have any resentment from a lump of a useless partner, were you to end up with one and have to compromise and negotiate with them the next 18-25 years of your life.

I have an Ex-H who is entirely unable to parent, he says he can’t look after our 2 on his own - and refuses to be in my DC’s presence without my assistance. I am effectively a single parent but still having to negotiate with him.

Be prepared for a tough and relentless first 4-5 years as your DC moves from newborn to little person; you won’t get any break on your own, unless you have supportive friends / family or pay for assistance. I am told it gets easier after this.

Warmest wishes for a positive outcome with your fertility treatment in the coming weeks and months

@user1477391263

That's interesting, thanks. Does the agency basically contact the child at 16 and say "In case you have not been informed, you were conceived by donation," or is it just a case of, the child will be given the contact details if they show up and ask for them? (Sorry to pry, I'm just curious. My cousin donated eggs a few years ago. We're all secretly hoping that one day, a long-lost family member born from this donation might turn up, as we would all be thrilled to meet them)

I don't know! Interesting. I will ask - I'm in the early stages of going in for IVF so they'll probably recap it all for us.

I know they can make contact with donors, because our sperm sample was coming up to the 10 year limit when DD was conceived (they only keep it for ten years) and they got in touch with him to ask permission for us to use it after that for a sibling. Apparently he was really pleased (I think DD is the first living child other than their own that they had through IVF).

I know what you mean about the excitement with long-lost family!

Love could be round the corner yes - with your baby!

You haven't failed! I'm in a relationship and there's no love between us anymore so if anything I've failed!
You're moving forward in life and that's amazing.

@NeedToBeBrave1

girls... You have no idea what your words mean to me at this moment. Thank you for being so kind. 🙏

You are not alone and this is becoming a more usual option as women aren’t willing to settle. (Good!)

Find your tribe of mums in a similar situation and you will rock at life.

@Authenticcelestialmusic

But you haven’t failed. You haven’t/didn’t meet the right person (yet?) and presumably have refused to settle. That’s something you should be proud of. I think it’s great you are doing this alone. You get to raise your child your way, no complicated ex in the background.

I wish you all the very best. You didn’t fail, you are going on an adventure.

What makes you think she would have an ex

I have a 12 month old DD, and DD2 is due in a few weeks, both conceived via sperm donor as a single woman. It never even entered my head that I was a "failure", although I would have liked to have done things the "normal" way.
I don't really see relationships as not on the cards at all, although realistically I can't imagine having much time/money/inclination for that for a few years, but I see it more as I do kids my way with no compromising, and then in the future when they are older, I'll hopefully find a guy. Loads of people who marry and have kids end up separating (about half), and the vast majority go on to have relationships in the future - what's the difference, other than there's no ex which sounds like a complicating factor to me!
Before conceiving with a sperm donor you have to have a counselling session where things such as how to explain things to your child are discussed. Apparently kids are far more interested in potential half-siblings than in the "father" - although you are told never to use that term.
One thing that occurs to me is that you seem to think it's all or nothing. You can freeze your eggs now and then use them in the future if you don't get the relationship you would like. Whatever happens, you have got more time and security for the future, although there are obviously no guarantees. My eggs were frozen (for medical reasons) in 2013, but my 2 IVF transfers were in 2020 and 2021. I'm hoping to do another in the future, but let's see.
Good luck, and you are not a failure xx

It’s not a legal obligation
The offspring have a right st 18 to find out the ID of their donor but don’t have a right to know they are donor conceived

My experience is that kids are as interested in the donor as the half siblings. My suspicion is that kids feel more confident to ask about half siblings if they are in two parent families as it feels less threatening to the non biological parent

You ask are you being selfish? Perhaps but only in the way that anyone wanting kids may be seen as selfish.

The person stating stats about sperm donor kids is all relative. How are they comparing those exact stats to adopted kids? Or those with parents who domestically abuse each other even if constant emotional abuse?

Families come in all shapes and sizes. As society chanted and continues to accept this this will be less unusual and help those children.

Where do donor’s come from these days? I have a friend who is in the same position and wants to try the least invasive way first. She has paid for the fertility checks which have come back excellent its just what route to follow next. Thanks.