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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Single, choosing a sperm from sperm bank, feeling like I failed big time

106 replies

NeedToBeBrave1 · 01/01/2022 21:30

In finding love.....
I am ok with everything else, but the "failure"feeling is very hard to handle.

OP posts:
Msgiggles30 · 01/01/2022 22:10

@Flowersandhearts we sound a similar age. I am 33 and thinking I'm going to wait another 2 years so 35ish and if still in the same position start to look seriously into it check out fertility etc with an aim to be in the swing of the process by 37. I haven't met anyone worth it in the last 10 years so not holding out much hope but going to try to be more proactive in the next year or two now

CatJumperTwat · 01/01/2022 22:13

This reply has been deleted

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Sassypants82 · 01/01/2022 22:13

My greatest loves are my children. And I say this as happily married to a lovely man who I love deeply. But my children... It is so intense and being their mother enriches every moment of my life since my eldest was born, good days and bad.

You're not failing at love, this decision is making you winning at it. Best wishes.

TyrannosaurusRegina · 01/01/2022 22:17

I'm pregnant and being put through a hell of a time by my ex. I wish I was pregnant by sperm donor! You can parent the exact way you want by going down this route. And you've chosen not to just settle. I'd say you're doing good.

Purpleraspberry · 01/01/2022 22:20

@CatJumperTwat

Have you looked into the outcomes of children conceived this way?

Regardless of socioeconomic status, donor offspring are twice as likely as those raised by biological parents to report problems with the law before age 25. They are more than twice as likely to report having struggled with substance abuse. And they are about 1.5 times as likely to report depression or other mental health problems.

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

OP, you are not a failure at all, go for it. All the best Flowers

NeedToBeBrave1 · 01/01/2022 22:22

@Flowersandhearts

I've thought of doing the same. Obviously don't answer if you'd prefer not to but how old are you OP? I'm early (approaching mid-) thirties and just don't know when to wait until!
@Flowersandhearts - hi, in my opinion, age is just one factor so it is not a like for like comparison. I am older than you, but at your age, I had my eggs frozen. I also found out that I have a healthy reserve (of eggs)? I want to give myself a few years to find lobe, also to be ready of being a single mom, both mentally and financially. TBH, I felt a bit selfish to bring a life to the world and not be able to give him/her a biological father. So I want to be a great mother to this new life. Based on all these factors, I decided to wait a few years. My good friend however, is younger than me, but her egg reserve is much less than mine, so the doctor suggested her to start trying without much delay. Hope this experience helps you...and good luck.
OP posts:
WinterSunglasses · 01/01/2022 22:24

Good for you. A child will bring you more joy than a man could. It would be no contest for me if that was the choice. You're winning.

Tubs11 · 01/01/2022 22:27

There is no greater love then the love you will have for a child. I hope you get your wish in 2022

BurntToastAgain · 01/01/2022 22:28

@NeedToBeBrave1

In finding love..... I am ok with everything else, but the "failure"feeling is very hard to handle.
As someone who has made a big mess of choosing fathers who’d be good partners in my life, genuinely I think you’re doing the right thing.

No father is much better - and easier - than the wrong one. Trying to parent with a nightmare of a man is really, really hard. And even if you decide to leave him, you’re still stuck with the coparenting thing.

You can be a brilliant mother and build an supportive network around you and your child. And they can always know that you chose to have them. You really wanted it. That’s a good start in life.

Charliealphatangorara · 01/01/2022 22:29

You are not a failure. You are a realistic, sensible, strong woman. Your child /children will grow up in a happy and stable home with a loving parent. I wish I had done things this way as I know my children would not now be dealing with the psychological effects of their fathers behaviour while he lived with us. So many children are growing up seeing their mothers being treated like crap or worse by the father figure and would be 100%better off without them in their life.

cloudjumper · 01/01/2022 22:32

You are not a failure! And you still might find the big love! In the meantime, you are being strong and proactive, making your own decisions.

My sister did this, DNephew will be 5 this month. She never regretted it.

Somebodylikeyew · 01/01/2022 22:33

I think you sound smart, brave, and frankly fucking awesome, and I’d like to be your friend Grin

Ruthietuthie · 01/01/2022 22:36

This is a WONDERFUL thing to do. You are grabbing life by the hands and choosing your own path. There is nothing "failure" about this.

I have several friends who've made the same choice and are so happy. As another poster wisely said, you only have a limited amount of choice to have a baby, but you have the rest of your life to fall in love.

What no-one told me was that having a baby is like that wonderful, magical feeling of falling in love, of seeing the wonder in another and seeing how much they love you. And, unlike romantic love, that enchantment doesn't wear off.

I noticed too that, after I had my child, I no longer felt like I needed a relationship to complete me. My son is the "missing piece" I had longed for, rather than a man. My friends who became single mothers by choice also remarked that dating after baby was far different - there wasn't that scared feeling of time-ticking. Instead, they could be both open and picky because they now had all the time in the world.

You are great success story. You are brave. I am so proud of you.

logsonlogsoff · 01/01/2022 22:36

Our kids are donor conceived ( 2 women) and not for one second have we regretted our choice. Our children are the greatest joys of both our lives, and I love them more than anyone else in this world. And DW feels the same.

Kudupoo · 01/01/2022 22:38

You'll get to be in love with your baby. That's the farthest thing from failing x

Devilmakes3 · 01/01/2022 22:40

I’m really sad for you that you as saying that to yourself. I’m sitting here and admiring your guts from across the Internet and you are beating yourself down. Don’t do that; having a partner is a numbers and luck game and life isn’t fair. If you do this huge thing for yourself you should be enormously proud of yourself. You are going out and grabbing life by the scruff of the neck and making a path for yourself. Be your own cheer team god knows we all need that in our life.

mumofEandE · 01/01/2022 22:43

IMO I think women who do this are simply taking them bull by the horns' and making decisions to get on with / enhance their lives
Good on You!

NeedToBeBrave1 · 01/01/2022 22:44

Thank you so much for all your kind heartwarming comments. It really give me strength. 🙏

"Am I being selfish..?" This is the biggest question in my heart. I will give him/her all the love I have of course, and I am confident that I will be a great mom. But what if he/she asks "why I don't have a dad like xxx", I will feel immensely guilty...

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 01/01/2022 22:45

@CatJumperTwat

Have you looked into the outcomes of children conceived this way?

Regardless of socioeconomic status, donor offspring are twice as likely as those raised by biological parents to report problems with the law before age 25. They are more than twice as likely to report having struggled with substance abuse. And they are about 1.5 times as likely to report depression or other mental health problems.

Could you provide me with your sources for this?

I'm just slightly surprised, as I and many people I know who have donor children have never come across such research - and, of course, as you will know, there is a considerable body of research suggesting exactly the opposite.

There is evidence to suggest that secrecy about a child's origins (whether the child is adopted, donor conceived, the product of sexual violence, etc etc.), is quite damaging. It is possible this may have to do with the fact that families that conspire to keep secrets, especially secrets that cover up histories of abuse, are not the best places to nurture a child.

However, since the OP is single, it seems likely her child will grow up knowing his or her origins from the start.

FWIW my skin in this game is that DD is donor conceived, and it's definitely not a failure. One of the genuinely fun things I didn't expect, OP, is that you get to 'know' another person you've never met - you find yourself recognising 'ooh, that must be something she gets from him!' or 'ah, her face is changing shape again - she looks more like what his family must look like now!'. I always think it's such a nice and interesting thing. I'm not sure if DD will want to meet him, but we know he's out there and willing to meet, and it'd be lovely to be able to say thank you.

FFSFFSFFS · 01/01/2022 22:46

F

SarahAndQuack · 01/01/2022 22:48

@NeedToBeBrave1

Thank you so much for all your kind heartwarming comments. It really give me strength. 🙏

"Am I being selfish..?" This is the biggest question in my heart. I will give him/her all the love I have of course, and I am confident that I will be a great mom. But what if he/she asks "why I don't have a dad like xxx", I will feel immensely guilty...

But you'll find other children who don't have dads. Especially if you go looking for them. And then it'll simply be 'well you have a mummy, like Ben does, don't you? And Ellie has a dad, and Harry has his grandparents, and Mia has two daddies'. And he or she will see that it's normal people have different experiences.

It's not like having a dad makes life automatically better. I think people confuse this situation with the situation where a child loses a parent, and it's not at all the same.

Tabbydancer · 01/01/2022 22:48

I did it. One of my children told me the other night they feel that they have a happier family than most of their friends. Taking action is not failure.

Bagamoyo1 · 01/01/2022 22:49

I hadn’t found the right person by mid 30s so I had 2 kids by donor sperm. I found love when they were 10 and 7.
No regrets.

Tabbydancer · 01/01/2022 22:50

@Tabbydancer

I did it. One of my children told me the other night they feel that they have a happier family than most of their friends. Taking action is not failure.
(They actually said ‘our friends’, not ‘most’. But I didn’t want to boast!)
BluebelllsRosesDaffodills · 01/01/2022 22:50

Do you really want to do it?

The world is overpopulated and we really should reduce the birth rate….