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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU saying no to daughter?

109 replies

newterritory · 01/01/2022 11:18

DD turned 15 in October. She has good levels of freedoms, attends lots of parties with school friends until after mid-night so she is not wrapped up in cotton wool. However, I have said no to the following plans as I am not comfortable with it.

She wants to go round the house of a boy she has met one time, very briefly in a park. This boy does not go to her school but is apparently friends with one of her friends who went to primary school with him.

Since meeting him briefly in the park she has been chatting to him via social media and has been invited round today for the day. Think she has been chatting to him for about a month.

She says his parents will be home (I don't know them at all obviously) and I just said, no I am not comfortable with it. I've offered for him to spend the day at our house instead. She is not happy.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PegasusReturns · 01/01/2022 21:48

Ok so it sounds like you’re issue is that she might embark on a physical relationship?

Bear in mind that it will happen in the near future and exploring a physical relationship is much safer in her bedroom than it is in the park/ public toilets/ party.

I appreciate I’m an outlier here but it a important to consider the alternative, because prohibiting teens from spending time together alone at your house won’t stop them spending time alone.

Original poster
newterritory · 01/01/2022 21:58

She had a boyfriend last year and I allowed her to visit him in his home. However, this boy went to school with her and she had gotten to know him over two years of secondary school and prior to letting her go iI had met him, met his parents several times at school events, and school run drops etc and we had discussed mutually agreed 'rules'.

I suppose yes, I am concerned about the potential for a physical relationship with a boy she has meet for a few minutes in person 5 weeks ago. More so, I am just worried about her spending any time alone with a person she hasn't gotten to know in real life.

OP posts:
CatsArePeople · 01/01/2022 22:03

YANBU. They can keep hanging out in the park or other public places.

PegasusReturns · 01/01/2022 22:13

YANBU. They can keep hanging out in the park or other public places

In which case they run the risks associated with voyerisum and lack of planning.

For those of you with teens, ask how many times a video clip of someone “heavy petting” in the past has done the rounds at their school.

PegasusReturns · 01/01/2022 22:14

Should read in the park

IWasFunBeforeMum · 01/01/2022 22:17

No way.

CatsArePeople · 01/01/2022 22:27

What? They know each other like for 5 minutes and already physical?

Original poster
newterritory · 01/01/2022 22:30

@CatsArePeople

What? They know each other like for 5 minutes and already physical?
Sorry, I don't understand your question? Did you read the thread?
OP posts:
sweetbellyhigh · 01/01/2022 23:29

It is slightly offensive and rather sexist to suggest that it is safer for a boy to go to a girl's house than a girl to a boy's.

Not all boys are sexual predators and in fact plenty of girls are. It's a bloody minefield and you just have to keep talking to your teens and be vigilant.

Ionlydomassiveones · 01/01/2022 23:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

334bu · 01/01/2022 23:40

Not all boys are sexual predators and in fact plenty of girls are. It's a bloody minefield and you just have to keep talking to your teens and be vigilant.

Communication is always good, however misrepresenting the differing dangers posed by the two sexes is not helpful. Girls and women can indeed be predators but statistically this is a male crime; 98+% of all convicted sex offenders are male with women being the majority of victims.

Original poster
newterritory · 01/01/2022 23:44

@sweetbellyhigh

It is slightly offensive and rather sexist to suggest that it is safer for a boy to go to a girl's house than a girl to a boy's.

Not all boys are sexual predators and in fact plenty of girls are. It's a bloody minefield and you just have to keep talking to your teens and be vigilant.

Not sure if you think I have suggested that, I don't believe I have. I also have a teenage son.

Just that in this situation, it IS safer for my daughter to have a visitor to my home under my supervision rather than her spend time, potentially alone, with a somebody she doesn't know.

OP posts:
Screwcorona · 01/01/2022 23:48

I think good to advise her on keeping safe and suggesting she either meet in public or take a friend, but will she actually obey if you say not to see him full stop?

At 15 I went where I wanted with whoever and so did all my friends. I hope she can follow your guidance

backtolifebacktoreality · 01/01/2022 23:52

@newterritory

I just think allowing a 15yr old to go to a persons house for the day that she has met very briefly on one occasion sends the completely wrong message about keeping yourself safe.

Tell her this!

And just stick to what you agreed, ie "if you want to see each other so much then he will come here"

Limpshade · 01/01/2022 23:53

You're doing the right thing. I wouldn't go over someone's house for a first date as an adult, let alone as a 15 year old!

DdraigGoch · 02/01/2022 00:38

not all teen boys are rapists

There are plenty of other worries. Consensual sex can result in pregnancy.

BunsOfAnarchy · 02/01/2022 08:40

*It is slightly offensive and rather sexist to suggest that it is safer for a boy to go to a girl's house than a girl to a boy's.

Not all boys are sexual predators and in fact plenty of girls are.*

I had to show this comment to my DP and even he thinks this is a ridiculous thing to say.
You have a point but as a PP said above you're misrepresenting a statistic here. It's not sexist, it's fact that males are more likely as a percentage to commit a crime of this nature than a woman.

I think we can stick to just being vigilant about a teeenager wanting to spend time with someone shes only just met who the parents have never met or seen before rather than looking for extreme reasons behind OPs decision.

I think this is the best way to do this, my DP even agrees with this. Let us know how it goes OP

PegasusReturns · 02/01/2022 09:31

@DdraigGoch

There are plenty of other worries. Consensual sex can result in pregnancy

With three teens this has always been my biggest fear, but I strongly believe that the best way to protect boys and girls is:

  1. Be accepting. They will have physical relationships so ensue it happens in the best possible way. I personally therefore have a preference for it happening at home, where there’s less pressure and sensible decisions can be made about contraception etc.
  1. Ensure a trusting relationship. Don’t prohibit things unnecessarily, be a source of support and guidance. Allow honesty.
sweetbellyhigh · 02/01/2022 09:39

@BunsOfAnarchy

*It is slightly offensive and rather sexist to suggest that it is safer for a boy to go to a girl's house than a girl to a boy's.

Not all boys are sexual predators and in fact plenty of girls are.*

I had to show this comment to my DP and even he thinks this is a ridiculous thing to say.
You have a point but as a PP said above you're misrepresenting a statistic here. It's not sexist, it's fact that males are more likely as a percentage to commit a crime of this nature than a woman.

I think we can stick to just being vigilant about a teeenager wanting to spend time with someone shes only just met who the parents have never met or seen before rather than looking for extreme reasons behind OPs decision.

I think this is the best way to do this, my DP even agrees with this. Let us know how it goes OP

First of all I don't give a flying Rick what your DP says. Why would I? Is his word somehow the holy grail LOL!!

Secondly, you're just wrong. I know way more about teenage safety than I wish I did and girls and boys are very much more knowing and forward than even 10 years ago. Burying your head in the sand about this does not change that.

I have dissuaded my teenage son from friendships with manipulative girls. And I have taught him to steer clear of those pushing for sex texts, sending nice selfies, and taught him how cheap and meaningless that behaviour is, that it finishes everyone involved.

And I have taught him to be very wary of other teens whose parents are too lenient or simply show no interest in basic safety - like the OP for example. I don't suggest she isn't safety conscious but she has not demonstrated that to the boy or his parents, she has simply refused to meet them or open the conversation. It is a red flag, the sort of parenting that breeds secrecy and lack of trust.

I'm sorry you appear so ignorant about the reality of teen dating. You are not alone, however. Scores of parents are utterly clueless.

Malibuismysecrethome · 02/01/2022 09:45

It is well known that gangs have spotters who befriend young girls for nefarious reasons. I think it is naive to assume that everyone your DD comes in contact with will have good intentions.

userisi2 · 02/01/2022 09:56

You could invite him to yours (I'd ask that in the first instance), but as a mother of a son I wouldn't let him go. Maybe if it develops you can chat with the parents?

Original poster
newterritory · 02/01/2022 10:03

I didn't refuse to meet his parents. I refused to meet his parents whilst dropping my daughter off at a boys house that she does not know.

Would happily meet his parents under different circumstances, namely whilst they were dropping their son to my house (if they were happy with this arrangement) and would very much engage.

OP posts:
Original poster
newterritory · 02/01/2022 10:05

@userisi2

You could invite him to yours (I'd ask that in the first instance), but as a mother of a son I wouldn't let him go. Maybe if it develops you can chat with the parents?
Thanks for your reply. Much of this thread is based on the fact that I did offer an invitation to my house.
OP posts:
ItsFuckingJuneDadQuickHide · 02/01/2022 10:08

Glad you are sticking to your guns on this, it's hard though sometimes

Frazzledfiona · 02/01/2022 11:27

Tough call!! I know when I was 15 I was doing whatever I wanted and I would never tell my parents my plans.
If I had wanted to go to a boys house I would tell them I was going to a friends. I would never have asked their permission.
I think it's wonderful that she is coming and asking you so I'd give her a little leeway