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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU saying no to daughter?

109 replies

newterritory · 01/01/2022 11:18

DD turned 15 in October. She has good levels of freedoms, attends lots of parties with school friends until after mid-night so she is not wrapped up in cotton wool. However, I have said no to the following plans as I am not comfortable with it.

She wants to go round the house of a boy she has met one time, very briefly in a park. This boy does not go to her school but is apparently friends with one of her friends who went to primary school with him.

Since meeting him briefly in the park she has been chatting to him via social media and has been invited round today for the day. Think she has been chatting to him for about a month.

She says his parents will be home (I don't know them at all obviously) and I just said, no I am not comfortable with it. I've offered for him to spend the day at our house instead. She is not happy.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BlueRabbitWasNaughty · 01/01/2022 14:23

The reality is lots of teens do conduct friendships over social media nowadays and that not all teen boys are rapists!

I have boys the same age so perhaps they are slightly less vulnerable than girls. However, I agree that this is how teens now make friends and it's a good thing when online friends cross over into real life.

If they have a friend in common and you are able to meet the parents, I would be happy with this but you understandably aren't....

Could you take dd to his house, say hi and drop them both into town for shopping and Macdonalds. Pick them up a couple of hours later and drop him back home? It would give you (and her) a chance to see what he's like before seeing him again.

BlueRabbitWasNaughty · 01/01/2022 14:24

The reality is lots of teens do conduct friendships over social media nowadays and that not all teen boys are rapists!

Sorry, this was a quote by a pp.

TorySteller · 01/01/2022 14:26

If this was a grown woman who had met someone on an online dating site and very briefly met the person once, would people be suggesting she then go on a date to the guy’s house? Of course not.

You’re completely right OP. Even if his parents are there, you have no idea who they are. It’s the right call.

334bu · 01/01/2022 14:27

YANBU.

StopStartStop · 01/01/2022 14:52

Don't let her go. You've made a sound decision, OP.

Maybe not all teenage boys are rapists. Maybe they don't have a bunch of friends ready to come round for a gang session. Maybe their dads don't all want to join in. But just in case, don't go. It only takes one.

As a teenager, one of my friends was dropped off at a young man's house by her mum, all seemed fine. He locked her in, kept her three days, invited his friends round. They let her go eventually, after she'd been repeatedly gang raped. Just don't take the chance.

Roaringlogfire · 01/01/2022 15:52

I have been in your position exactly but my DD didn't ask. I caught her out on Snap Chat location. I could see she was in the house of a boy she'd met through mutual friends. I drove there immediately. His mum came to the door and told me my DD had told her I knew she was there.

I spoke to both my DD and the boy about my concerns and asked the mum to make sure they left the doors open. She seemed nice and assured me they would. They have been dating now for about 8 months. He's a nice boy from a nice family but she didn't want to invite him to ours initially because she was embarrassed and there was more to do at his.
Just be very honest about your concerns when you meet the parents. Not sure what you do if you get a bad vibe though. I had no choice and luckily I hot a good vibe.

PegasusReturns · 01/01/2022 16:39

If this was a grown woman very briefly met the person once, would people be suggesting she then go on a date to the guy’s house? Of course not

If they had mutual friends and there were other mixed sex adults in the house no one would be suggesting that there was a risk to her safety. They might suggest not going as it’s a lazy date for an adult man and/or hints strongly at a hook up, but you surely understand that they dynamics are entirely different for for teens?!

It’s very difficult. When we went into covid I had a fairly naive recently turned 16yr old who went to an all girls school and had not had a boyfriend.

I now have an adult daughter who has friends with their own flats, drives and pretty much does her own thing. Most of the past 22 mths has been spent under lockdown of some sort and in many ways she (and her friends) have gone from 0-60.

My DD has handles it well but not all over her peers have. I wish there’d been more opportunity for hanging out in teen boys bedrooms before they moved straight to nightclubs and staying out for the night.

PinkSyCo · 01/01/2022 17:19

I’m going to go against the grain here OP and say I think your DD deserves your trust for the simple reason that she was truthful with you when she could have easily lied about where she was going. If you don’t let her go what’s to stop her from going behind your back another time, denying you the chance to see where he lives and meet his parents?

bloodyhoodedeyes · 01/01/2022 17:30

I have teenage boys, my question is why won't you just speak to the parents of the boy and see if the values all align? Just say you're not happy for them to be alone, not happy for doors to be closed etc?

I'm not sure what is stopping you having that conversation with the boys parents? It's seems really odd to me.

I'm happy for my sons to have girlfriends over I have the same rules as you, not when we are out of the house, check in on them and doors open.

I agree with the other poster, she's allowed to parties past midnight but can go and sit in a boys room? Very strange as she would potentially be more at risk of older men and older boys approaching her.

She sounds like her head is screwed on? So why not let her go and chat to the parents?

Ohshittt · 01/01/2022 17:34

I haven't time to RTFT but I do agree with everyone saying not to let her but what really screamed out as me was her being grown up enough to tell you honestly where she wanted to go. My mum wasn't approachable and I definitely would have lied to her about where I was going! She sounds like a lovely girl, and you a fab mum!

ScrumptiousBears · 01/01/2022 17:39

OP have you invited him over to yours?

I agree with your actions totally. However you say she's had limited contact with him which won't change until she spends time with him so maybe let them spend time together under your control.

Forgotthespuds · 01/01/2022 18:07

I would let her go. She's been honest with you, you know where she is and she's happy for you to meet the parents at the house. I imagine there is much more chance if something going side ways at a crowded party than visiting someone at their house while the parents are around.

EmmasMum12 · 01/01/2022 18:29

I agree with @scrumptious

Have him over for dinner/lunch

Get to know him

Let DD spend time with him at yours

Ionlydomassiveones · 01/01/2022 18:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/01/2022 18:55

What are DD's objections to his coming to your house for a few hours, rather than her going to his house for the day, when she's only met him briefly once before?

That's what I wondered
If OP had said a complete "no" to seeing him at all that would be one thing, but she hasn't - so if his parents were "going to be in", what's wrong with them being at OP's instead?

SantaClawsServiette · 01/01/2022 18:57

I wouldn't like this plan either. I'd suggest they do to a public place.

Pixxie7 · 01/01/2022 20:01

I am sorry but I am in the Yalu camp, you say he was at school with a friend of hers, so similar age. Also she was honest with you as to where she was going and said his parents were going to be there, so she was aware of the potential implications. She is 15 so is going to start developing adult relationships.
Ask yourself if it had been a girl would your answer have been the same, it is normal for boys and girls to be friends.
She did the mature thing and told you, I would be more concerned that she won’t be so forthcoming next time. Yes you offered her an alternative which she declined you need to ask yourself why.

itsgettingweird · 01/01/2022 20:16

@FawnFrenchieMum

YANBU, I am the mother of a 15 year old boy and we are shocked at the amount of parents that let they 15 year old DDs visit here. We are mostly in but the parents have no idea who we are or if we are in when dropping their DDs off after meeting DS through a friend of a friend etc.
Would you allow your ds to go to girls houses in this circumstance?

I find it odd that people think that's a better alternative - they still don't know each other well and the sets of parents still don't know each or if they're in.

Freecuthbert · 01/01/2022 20:18

I think you've done the right thing and you've been fair. It is not like you are barring her from seeing him, for example you said he is welcome to come to your house to spend time with her.

saraclara · 01/01/2022 20:25

@newterritory

I just think allowing a 15yr old to go to a persons house for the day that she has met very briefly on one occasion sends the completely wrong message about keeping yourself safe.
Yet you're expecting a 15 year old boy to come to yours.
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/01/2022 20:27

Absolutely not. I'm generally quite a relaxed parent but I wouldn't let my kids do anything that I'd be scared to do myself. If an adult wouldn't do it because they would be scared they would be pressured into things then how the hell would a child be expected to cope with it?

Nanny0gg · 01/01/2022 20:28

@newterritory

I just think allowing a 15yr old to go to a persons house for the day that she has met very briefly on one occasion sends the completely wrong message about keeping yourself safe.
Even if it didn't ( and I agree with you that it does), you are the parent here and if you don't want her to go, then she doesn't.

They can continue as they are for the time being, maybe you'll get the chance to meet him. And if he vanishes, then there's your answer

LuaDipa · 01/01/2022 20:53

Yanbu. You’re the parent It’s your call.

Ds 15 mentioned that he would be having a girl who he met in similar circumstances round to watch a movie. All was fine but then said girl cancelled due to a family thing. Ds was a bit put out, but I told him that he hadn’t been seeing her long and her parents may have been quite rightly concerned. They had never met him or us, and I wouldn’t have been rushing to drop him at a strangers home. He finally got it and arranged to meet her in her town to go out instead.

I agree that not all teenage boys (or girls) are dangerous, mine certainly isn’t, but parents aren’t to know that without spending time with them. It’s perfectly reasonable to not allow your kids to go anywhere with a relative stranger.

Original poster
newterritory · 01/01/2022 21:26

Just to answer the main question being asked - she didn't accept my offer of him coming to ours because she was annoyed that I said they would be allocated the lounge area and that I wouldn't let her be in her bedroom with him for the day. Her bedroom is the loft room at the top of the house with a bathroom etc so once up there there is no reason to leave, plus it's the only room there so nobody passing by regularly etc. I told her she could have the lounge for the day which has access to TV and music system etc and that I would order an Uber eats (or they could) and that I would stop her brother coming in to that room. I too would stay away but would be close by in the kitchen but out of earshot. She said that was unreasonable and that they should be allowed in her bedroom.

OP posts:
Original poster
newterritory · 01/01/2022 21:31

Saraclara - I wasn't expecting the boy to come to ours, I offered the invitation. Of course his parents are entitled to decline just like I did. However, it wasn't a difficult decision to invite him over, I have the absolute certainty that this boy would be safe in my home.

OP posts:
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