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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU saying no to daughter?

109 replies

newterritory · 01/01/2022 11:18

DD turned 15 in October. She has good levels of freedoms, attends lots of parties with school friends until after mid-night so she is not wrapped up in cotton wool. However, I have said no to the following plans as I am not comfortable with it.

She wants to go round the house of a boy she has met one time, very briefly in a park. This boy does not go to her school but is apparently friends with one of her friends who went to primary school with him.

Since meeting him briefly in the park she has been chatting to him via social media and has been invited round today for the day. Think she has been chatting to him for about a month.

She says his parents will be home (I don't know them at all obviously) and I just said, no I am not comfortable with it. I've offered for him to spend the day at our house instead. She is not happy.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
newterritory · 01/01/2022 12:21

I suppose I am worried about any situation she may find herself in that would be unpleasant. Doesn't have to be as serious as sexual molestation etc but these things can and do happen.

Ultimately my decision is based on the fact that she simply does not know this boy.

OP posts:
JadeSeahorse · 01/01/2022 12:23

@mbosnz

To add, I wish my parents had been as caring as you are. . .
As do I!
NoSquirrels · 01/01/2022 12:24

Comes to yours, or rearranges with friend to do it a different day. That’s perfectly reasonable.

godmum56 · 01/01/2022 12:24

@newterritory

Thank you all for sharing your views. They make you feel like the worst parent in the world!! Smile I won't be budging!
if they are making you feel like that then you are doing a good job!
GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 01/01/2022 12:26

YANBU. If the other friend was going too and you checked out parents possibly but not like this.

oakleaffy · 01/01/2022 12:29

@newterritory

Thank you all for sharing your views. They make you feel like the worst parent in the world!! Smile I won't be budging!
Good! Absolutely this rings alarms, and you are absolutely right to be wary.

I bet his parents will be away.

I used to leave my 15 yr old son alone for the weekend to visit family, and when I came home early, I found girls earrings on the sitting room table with beer tins , so obviously son had had a little get together with his friends..and they'd stayed over.
No harm done, luckily.

oakleaffy · 01/01/2022 12:34

@newterritory
When we were 15, my friend's dad used to collect us from parties at like 10 in the evening....and one time he blundered in calling ''Raffers! Raffers!'' snapping on lights ~ Poor friend was arm in arm with a boy and Raffers {her nickname} was bodily dragged out by her dad.

That was mega embarrassing for her and me..
That qualified easily as being ''The uncool parent''

VanCleefArpels · 01/01/2022 12:41

I'm going to go a bit against the grain here. You r daughter sounds like she has thought this through

If she has said you can meet the parents at the door I'd do that and at the door say something like "remember kids, both feet on the floor at all times" very loudly in front of them and the parents - they will be so mortified, and you will have transmitted to the other parents your concerns. You can also agree a pick up time and you can get there 15 mins early to boot.

Flossieskeeper · 01/01/2022 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PegasusReturns · 01/01/2022 12:54

Agreed these things can and do happen and the absolute best thing we can do for our daughters is to give them the tools to manage these situations that will come up regardless of how hard we try to shield them. Sometimes that means allowing them the experience in as safe an environment as possible.

The chances of a 15 year old boy attacking a 15 year old with whom he shares mutuals in his home whilst his parents are there is tiny.

He might want to kiss her or more and she may or many not want to. That environment, without drink, or peer pressure, whilst other adults are home is actually one of the best ways to explore adolescence. It gives her a chance to say no or remove herself from a situation in relative safety.

When my teens were that age I’d text them shortly after they arrived saying “I need you to call me urgently”. They could call on that text at any point during their day/evening and I would know it was because they needed out of the situation.

bcc89 · 01/01/2022 13:17

It's wonderful that your daughter feels like she can be honest with you about where she is going and who with. Try to hold onto that. She is only 15, but I would try to give her a bit of freedom, like the way you do with the parties and letting her go to the park with friends.

I would encourage her to keep communication open and to not end up upstairs with a boy she doesn't know.

Original poster
newterritory · 01/01/2022 13:21

I just think allowing a 15yr old to go to a persons house for the day that she has met very briefly on one occasion sends the completely wrong message about keeping yourself safe.

OP posts:
Flumo · 01/01/2022 13:22

@mbosnz

To add, I wish my parents had been as caring as you are. . .
Was literally just thinking it!!!
SeasonFinale · 01/01/2022 13:23

The reality is lots of teens do conduct friendships over social media nowadays and that not all teen boys are rapists!

AngelicInnocent · 01/01/2022 13:26

If it helps, my DD and her friends informed me when they were 17 that I had always been a really cool mum because I was always a mum and never cool! Go with your gut.

FawnFrenchieMum · 01/01/2022 13:33

@sparepantsandtoothbrush yes because I know that I’m home, I know that his room is on the same floor as our living room. I know what they are up to while they are here. I couldn’t judge that at someone else’s house. I wouldn’t like him going to their house without knowing some of the above.

@newterritory I wouldn’t have an issue with being asked any of those questions on my doorstep, it shows your a caring responsible parent.

ShrinkingViolet9 · 01/01/2022 13:35

Have you confirmed that there really is a mutual friend?
Are the lad's parents planning to be in all day? Can you be certain of that?
What are DD's objections to his coming to your house for a few hours, rather than her going to his house for the day, when she's only met him briefly once before?
Could you suggest he picks her up at yours and they go out for a coffee and a pizza for a few hours - a whole day is a long time to spend at his parent's house if she decides she doesn't like him very much, after all.

sweetbellyhigh · 01/01/2022 13:37

As the mother of a teenage boy I make it very clear to parents of female visitors what the house rules are eg. they need to be in living areas, not bedrooms.

I expect the parents to be equally vigilant and discourage his friendships with kids whose parents who do not check up on basic safety issues.

I would be the mother saying invite her here and we can talk it through. I would expect that doorway conversation.

So I think what you are doing is fine but I would also encourage you not to shy away from open conversations with other parents.

Floralnomad · 01/01/2022 13:41

Has she given you a reason why him coming to you is not good enough .

jackstini · 01/01/2022 14:04

I would be slightly more worried about what happens at the parties tbh - easier for things to happen in the dark, drinking...

If you can meet the parents at the door and go over rules I would be ok with it (dd was 15 in March so similar age and she has recently been to her first teenage party - with parents there)

Have you asked her what rules she thinks there should be if she goes there? Talk about it, sound her out

PegasusReturns · 01/01/2022 14:04

she has met very briefly on one occasion sends the completely wrong message about keeping yourself safe

I disagree. She won’t be alone, they have a mutual friend, they’ve been talking for a month.

This is a great opportunity to point out the difference between the safeguards that exist in this scenario and a truly random and an unsafe meet up (in the park, stranger who you’ve never met/ seen, at night, without telling your parents).

If you say no to everything it makes it harder for teens to distinguish between different scenarios.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 01/01/2022 14:08

@SeasonFinale

The reality is lots of teens do conduct friendships over social media nowadays and that not all teen boys are rapists!
Not all are rapists, but some are and you don't know which, so you need to be warry of all. Sounds like a good strategy to me 🤷‍♀️
Chasingaftermidnight · 01/01/2022 14:12

You couldn’t being less unreasonable!

Waftypants · 01/01/2022 14:13

I also don't really share your anxiety, I think meeting his parents briefly at the door and making sure they're going to be at home is reasonable. Just set a time limit and go and pick her up, she can always ring if she needs you earlier than the agreed time. However now youve said no, it might be damaging to your parental role to let her talk you round on this occasion.
I'd be more interested in why there is such resistance to him coming over to your house.

emuloc · 01/01/2022 14:13

@newterritory

I just think allowing a 15yr old to go to a persons house for the day that she has met very briefly on one occasion sends the completely wrong message about keeping yourself safe.
You are right. Do not allow your Dd to make you feel bad. You are doing what a parent should do, regarding this situation.