Mother in law relationships

GoodnightGrandma · 01/01/2022 07:10

My MIL was lovely. Unfortunately we had to see her DH whenever we saw her.
And it became apparent that he was low level abusive to her, but she wouldn’t acknowledge it or do anything about it.

Kentuckyrain · 01/01/2022 07:40

I've always loved my MIL and still do but things got tricky when I had my first daughter and I had to put her in line. She's without a doubt one of the nicest people I've ever met but I think babies can sometimes put a strain on MIL relationships

ChimChimeny · 01/01/2022 07:46

With mine the relationship started getting strained when I had DD (first grandchild), mainly because she thought she knew better and would question everything. And undermine me with DD when she was older (silly things like I'd say no to DD eating something & MIL would give it to her anyway but it was all the time)

We used to see them weekly, now it is more like monthly and there are other grandchildren it is much better

ChubbyMorticia · 01/01/2022 09:22

I think some of it stems from the idea of hierarchy in the family.

My MIL was very much into the idea of being The Matriarch. Her mother had been, and she saw it as her rightful place.

Her son refused to dedicate his life to her church, or become a pastor. But once she had a DIL, she knew that would fix things. Daughters HAD to listen to their mothers!

Her son didn’t get married until his mid thirties, and then married ME, a single parent who was used to running her own life. Neither of us had any interest in following her orders. I even refused to side with her against my husband! And continued having babies after she told me not to! (No, she had zero to do with our finances). I wouldn’t even call her Mom, and had the AUDACITY to tell her no. Frequently.

To her, it was very much like having put in decades toward a promotion, and right when everything is in place, the position is eliminated without warning. Pretty much all of her behaviour was centred around attention seeking and control. Things she believed she was owed, especially because she adopted my DH. (Not speculation. She constantly told him that growing up, and repeated it to me). She felt cheated, betrayed, because her expectations and demands were denied.

yellowleaves123 · 01/01/2022 09:29

My MIL is lovely but our relationship changed a bit when my first child was born and others in the family feel the same. I still love her to bits but the first year was a bit difficult to navigate at times. Lots of overstepping, some undermining of parenting, not understanding that my boundaries may be different to the boundaries of others in the family. Things are ok now, mostly.

MarmaladeCloud · 01/01/2022 09:32

I've never had a MIL. But I'm so worried ill become a dreaded Mil as I have two sons.

Is it maybe something to do with jealousy. Jealousy of caring for the same man?

I wonder if MIL issues will get less as traditional gender roles are gradually fading.

Bearfrills · 01/01/2022 09:33

AIBU to wonder why this relationship is so often difficult and strained for so many?

It's not that it's often difficult or that its strained for so many, it's just that the people with a difficult and strained relationship are more likely to post about it so its a self-selecting sample. People who have a good relationship with their MILs aren't likely to post seeking advice or wanting to vent so aren't as visible.

In my case its because my MIL is simply not a good person, she added nothing if any value to our lives and was a constant source of stress and conflict. We haven't seen her in over eight years and it's been blissful.

Singlebutmarried · 01/01/2022 09:36

Mine is awful. Sadly we’ve got to got there today as SIL and BIL are there and we want to catch up with them.

LittleBearPad · 01/01/2022 09:37

Mine’s pretty cool - just to give the other side of the coin!

heaths96 · 01/01/2022 09:41

My MIL is very selfish, she was a rubbish mum and is an even worse grandparent, decided to cut her and FIL off, as well as my own dad such negative selfish people

PizzasPlease · 01/01/2022 09:42

My MIL isn't nice and I find her strange.
She doesn't like the fact that her Son has chose to be with me as I'm very different to her and do things differently which she sees as him preferring my ways as opposed to hers.
She's insanely jealous of my parents and the relationship they have with my dc.
She always acts like I don't know my dc as well as she knows them for example telling me what they prefer to watch on tv or what they prefer to eat

It all boils down to jealousy ime.

nahnahna · 01/01/2022 09:47

My mil was fine for the decade I was towing the line and not refusing to socialise with my abusive Bil.

For the last two years since we put our foot down she's been a pain in the backside.

Some people are only nice when they are getting their own way

Headwhirling · 01/01/2022 09:47

I’ve never had one! But I am one, (my daughter is married).

I really like my SIL but we don’t see a huge amount of each other. We’ve had a few tense moments over the years but I think we get on ok on the whole.

idontshareprimula · 01/01/2022 09:50

Mine is fine as long as she's getting her own way.

She's got too many opinions though. 'Wouldn't having three children be odd?' Etc

Frazzledmum123 · 01/01/2022 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EnglishMuffins · 01/01/2022 09:54

My first MIL was horrid, adore my MIL now, she’s wonderful. But I think relationships become strained when a child is brought into the mix. The line between it being their grandchild but your child gets blurred and some old fashioned practices you maybe don’t agree with creep in and when it concerns your own DC then it can become a bit more fractious.

Enko · 01/01/2022 09:55

Loved mine to pieces miss her dearly and honestly more than I do my own mother. Mil was involved and engaged with our loves my mother kinda disinterested.

Mil was a funny woman who loved fiercely. Had lost her youngest at age 20 and got through that to still be there for her family. She passed 3 years ago and oh I miss her.

If I can be half as good a mother in law to my children's partners I doubt they will have complaints

MalFunkshun · 01/01/2022 09:58

I think insecurity plays a huge part. My MiL has put a huge amount of effort into making an Instagrammable life (before it was a thing) and I think when I came along, as first DIL, two things happened:

DH stopped going along with the Instagram aspects and opted out of a lot more - this was seen as me preventing him, rather than me giving him a much desired out!

And 2. I’m quite different to my mil and have made a lot of different life choices. I suspect on some level she thought DH would pick a wife more like her and she sees it as a bit of a slight that he hasn’t.

These have caused a lot of snide comments and tears from her over the years. As a result, I’m perfectly friendly, but I keep my distance and don’t overly engage with her.

Velvian · 01/01/2022 09:59

@ChubbyMorticia has a good point about the promotion that has been withdrawn. Many MILs are the staunchest upholders and enforcers of the patriarchy.

I guess these women have been bottom of the pile and followed the rules and expectations up until now, but they have power of their son and their son should have power over his wife. She is her DIL's boss's boss and is due respect and authority.

Breeblebree · 01/01/2022 10:01

My mother in law was my best friend, my mentor and a second mum. She died suddenly this summer and I miss her so much. My own mother is great, and we love each other dearly, but we are very different people. My mother in law was probably the person who understood my soul most in the world. We spoke every day, sometimes for hours. We worked in the same field and she cheerleaded and supported me without question. She was who I turned to first when I needed advice, and who I told first when I had good news. She taught me what it feels like to be loved absolutely unconditionally and to be valued just for being for who I was by another woman. She saved me, and I owe a huge part of everything I have and am today to her. She was loved by so many people, she worked so tirelessly to make the world a better place, and now she is gone and I don’t really know how to face the rest of my life without her.

Cocolapew · 01/01/2022 10:03

Mine is a nasty, shit stirring, vindictive bitch. Its not just my relationship with her that's in tatters, her own son and granddaughters don't speak to her and the majority of her family don't either
She spent her life being pandered to, everyone seemed scared to confront her and to call her out on her bad behaviour. I had no such qualms and she hated me for it.
She was under the impression that I would do what she wished and made a big deal about me'stealing' her son away. I never understood that bit because DH and her didn't have anything like a good relationship, it's like she has some scenario in her head and that's the truth whether it actually is or not.

LittleBipper · 01/01/2022 10:07

My MIL is great but I do wonder if my mum is the MIL from hell to my SIL. She moans to me about what SIL does wrong, I push back and I just hope she doesn't say it to SIL's face.

marsdon · 01/01/2022 10:13

I don't like my MIL she acts too nice !
So you cannot say anything against her as she likes to be seen as being helpful all the time !
She is very nosey too wants to know everything and likes to dictate from afar and is a know all !
She is a bit argumentative with her own Husband he keeps quiet he is a lovely guy I sometimes feel sorry for him
It's my DP second marriage she is quite two faced too she didn't like the ex-wife and ex -wife didn't like her as she had a argument years ago about the way she was interfering with the children telling her how she should bring them up so after that she didn't see much of her grandchildren and when I came on the scene the DSC didn't really have a good word to say about my DP family because of the fall out .
The MIL said to me once before I got marriage to her son his ex-wife will always be seen as the DIL as she had the Grandchildren which I thought was a very odd thing to say to me being he had divorced her and it was all a very messy stressful divorce for her son .

Eslteacher06 · 01/01/2022 10:19

Interesting people say it's after the first child is born. That's exactly what happened to me. I got on with her fine before having a kid, but she became unbearable after.

I'm no contact with her now after years of her trying to undermine me. I've been accused of stopping her seeing my family, but she fails to realise that I was the one who used to encourage my husband to see her and that's stopped now.

My life is now infinitely better not hearing her backhanded nasty remarks.

MrsKDB · 01/01/2022 10:19

Mine didn’t / doesn’t see me as a person in my own right, imo, merely an enabler for her son’s sparkling career and provider of grandchildren. As a result I keep my distance and so does her other SIL. She’s from a generation where women were sidelined and put upon domestically to their own detriment which explains but does not excuse it. I will not make the same mistake.