Mother in law relationships

[parentpanic]

AIBU to wonder why this relationship is so often difficult and strained for so many?

I really think it’s a mixture of the personalities involved, plus a degree of closeness in the level of contact that you probably wouldn’t choose if your husband didn’t.

My ex-MIL is lovely. We get on really well. I like her more than my own mother. She’s much easier to spend time with.

My current MIL is an absolute nightmare. She has been since the first time I met her. She went out of her way to make me feel uncomfortable and unwelcome and, just before it was time to leave, created an enormous scene that was just excruciating to witness. Then she tried to excuse it all as ‘stress’.

She’s never been vaguely decent towards me. She undermines my husband with his children. She favours one grandchild over the other(s) in incredibly obvious ways. She says inexcusable things (about ‘bad genes’ and how our baby will get them because the other children are so much better that all that can be left are the dregs). Etc etc.

No woman on Earth would not have a problem with my MIL. Her sons have never had a relationship with anyone who didn’t despise her. She’s basically entirely unlikeable with no redeeming features.

Mine stopped doing things for my OH before he was even a teenager as she ‘had done all that for his older brothers’. She walked out and left the family for her lover when my OH was 15 and left him to care for his disabled dad.

My MIL is narcissistic and her behaviour reflects this. But both her children also say the exact same thing and the relationship is strained because of her own selfish behaviour.

Its not just me who has a difficult relationship with her! Unless you constantly believe her woe is me act or her interest in her grandchildren only when her friends are about but ignoring them for over 6 months at a time otherwise then your against her or picking on her!

My MIL is generally great but we’ve definitely not got on as well since I had children. She went a bit baby crazy with my first and kept trying to take her out in the pram to ‘help’ me which I didn’t want, and when I was pregnant told us that she’d be coming to the maternity ward to visit as soon as the baby is as born (DH was exceptionally firm in nipping that one in the bud!). They now undermine us a LOT in terms of treats - would be less of an issue if they didn’t see the kids very often, but they do childcare for us (for which we are very grateful) and it’s definitely made things more strained. Overall they are good people, they just want their own way with the grandchildren and get annoyed when we’ve pointed out things / stated our preference. However the kids have a good relationship with their grandparents and I think it’s been beneficial for them doing childcare (their choice). I also think I’ll get on better with MIL again when the kids are teenagers and we have less to be in conflict about!! I’m hoping that BIL will provide them with grandchildren to shift the focus also quite frankly.

My MIL is sweet as pie. Makes great pies too. She’s said many times she’s not here to tell us how to do things, just wants to support, see us and the kids, and help out in what little ways they can. When we leave the kids with them she gets so worried she will do everything the way I want, but she’s raised two great kids and I trust her! Wish she wouldn’t worry so much.

Complete contrast to me own parents who constantly tell me everything I do wrong.

@BurntToastAgain

I really think it’s a mixture of the personalities involved, plus a degree of closeness in the level of contact that you probably wouldn’t choose if your husband didn’t.

My ex-MIL is lovely. We get on really well. I like her more than my own mother. She’s much easier to spend time with.

My current MIL is an absolute nightmare. She has been since the first time I met her. She went out of her way to make me feel uncomfortable and unwelcome and, just before it was time to leave, created an enormous scene that was just excruciating to witness. Then she tried to excuse it all as ‘stress’.

She’s never been vaguely decent towards me. She undermines my husband with his children. She favours one grandchild over the other(s) in incredibly obvious ways. She says inexcusable things (about ‘bad genes’ and how our baby will get them because the other children are so much better that all that can be left are the dregs). Etc etc.

No woman on Earth would not have a problem with my MIL. Her sons have never had a relationship with anyone who didn’t despise her. She’s basically entirely unlikeable with no redeeming features.

Why on Earth do you have anything to do with her?

My MIL drives us both round the bend. At least DH is aware of what his mum is like and actively avoids her too. We live in different countries he only allows her to call him once a week/will only answer once a week. She calls her other son every day without fail sometimes more than once. Currently visiting with the ILs and literally counting down the days till we head home....

Used to have a great relationship with mine but over the years it's suffered. I'm older now and will speak up for myself and what I think is right, I'm not going to pretend to like her or be the daughter in law she wants. She's ok in small doses but I keep all my in laws at arms length

@LibrariesGiveUsPower I don’t any more.

The weird crap about my baby being genetically defective was the final straw in an already extremely minimal relationship. I’m no longer willing to give the woman the time if day. And she hasn’t seen the baby she thinks is so inferior since either.

According to my husband she’s ‘sad’ that she doesn’t know her youngest grandchild. But my response is that she should have thought about that and behaved like a decent person. He takes his children (from a previous relationship) to visit her (even though she actively undermines him and enormously favours her granddaughter). But our son does not need a relationship with that toxic woman.

I had a living together relationship before I met DH. I had a great relationship with my MIL from that relationship- she was kind, tolerant, warm, sweet and she didn’t treat me like the devil incarnate.

DH was the only child of MIL and she was a lone parent for much of his childhood, during which she had significant mental health issues. I respect the job she did raising him, but she’s always treated him like a substitute husband and I have definitely had the shitty end of the stick with her. She saw off all his previous partners too, So yeah, nothing I can generalise here.

Twicklette

You bemoan mumsnet having too many hating posts towards "women" ie mils and sils whilst simultaneously saying dils cosy up to in laws because they are thinking about inheritance!

Bizzare.

My MIL is lovely. She never oversteps and listens when we tell her the rules regarding DD. She'll give her opinion on them, sure, but she also always follows what we say/want. Good as gold that women and a very loving granny. I think that I call her more often than DH and I certainly visit her more often.

My ex MIL however, couldn't stop criticizing bloody everything. My job wasn't good enough (I had the same job as her daughter FGS), I wasn't slim enough, wasn't pretty enough, slept in at the weekends, it just never stopped. Bottom line was that I wasn't good wnough and the second my ex walked out of the room she'd tell me. It really grated.

I have had two mothers in law with one husband. (BOGOF) The first was his adoptive mother who was a real darling and never interfered at all. The second was his birth mother whom we found a few years before she died. She was a darling too.
I am a mother in law and I love my daugter in law - she and son are so right together and she's a wonderful wife and mother. I want what's best for my children, and daughter in law fits the bill. Other son has a partner, my daughter out law and I love her too. They are ideal for each other. It's sad when a mother in law resents her son's wife/partner.

@Mountainpika

I have had two mothers in law with one husband. (BOGOF) The first was his adoptive mother who was a real darling and never interfered at all. The second was his birth mother whom we found a few years before she died. She was a darling too. I am a mother in law and I love my daugter in law - she and son are so right together and she's a wonderful wife and mother. I want what's best for my children, and daughter in law fits the bill. Other son has a partner, my daughter out law and I love her too. They are ideal for each other. It's sad when a mother in law resents her son's wife/partner.

I wish you were my mother in law !

@Twicklette

It is funny because you don't hear about conflict between Dads and their SILs. I think women are much more likely to fight for power in the family. I often think on MN, the two groups that come in for the most bashing are MILs and SILs. Yet, almost certainly, the horrific SILs we hear so much about on MN are also DILs. Just as there are vile MILs on MN in real life there will be an equal number of vile DILs. ON Gransnet you hear about them all the time.

I was going to ask about father and son-in-law relationships, they seem much easier. The positive we can take from all these stories of deadful mothers-in-law is that the daughters in law will make perfect MILs in years to come.

She wrote a long letter telling dh he was stupid and wasting his life when we got engaged. When we announced our first pregnancy she said “what do you want me to do about IT”.

In a funny kinda karma way our oldest basically has sod all to do with them because he can’t be arsed because he sees though the whole family for looks bs.

It's sad when a mother in law resents her son's wife/partner.

It's also sad when a daughter in law is resentful and even jealous of her husband's relationship with his birth family, especially his mother. Why is it the general expectation that on marriage a man should cut all ties with his family to concentrate on his new wife and her family, who are usually still very much in the picture? In many posts on MN the new wife comes over as very controlling, the phrase from an old TV programme always comes to mind, 'She who must be obeyed'.

Differing personalities here. Literally every choice we made would be different. Neither of us are horrible, just sometimes differences compliment but in our case they dont.

Bad MIL relationships are disproportionately represented on Mumsnet.

Mine is lovely, although is technically ex mil I still consider her mil. She has always been great, never overstepped with the dc, offers advice only when asked. I don't see her as regularly now but she rings to keep in touch.

My dm is also a lovely mil to my xh, we all get on well...people just don't tend to say when things are good so you get a skewed view

I get on well with mine and they are brilliant with DS. However I have never ever met anyone so paranoid, who thinks they can prevent something if they worry enough. Or who is simultaneously terrified of anything negative happening while thriving off the drama of "Poor you MiL" if it does.

Like - DS went into hospital. She must have texted 15 households of friends and distant relatives, some of whom DH hasn't met, let alone me! And then was giving live updates to people who were on the other side of the world. Whereas my mum - mentioned in passing to her friends when they spoke at Christmas, but said he's fine now.

@BendicksBittermints4Breakfast

It's sad when a mother in law resents her son's wife/partner.

It's also sad when a daughter in law is resentful and even jealous of her husband's relationship with his birth family, especially his mother. Why is it the general expectation that on marriage a man should cut all ties with his family to concentrate on his new wife and her family, who are usually still very much in the picture? In many posts on MN the new wife comes over as very controlling, the phrase from an old TV programme always comes to mind, 'She who must be obeyed'.

Huh. I don't know anyone who thinks a man should cut all ties with his FOO (Family Of Origin) upon marriage.

There should be a priority shift for both spouses, absolutely. But auto NC? I haven't witnessed that.

In my marriage, I'm the one who went NC with my mother/FOO, so perhaps I'm the exception.

@BendicksBittermints4Breakfast

It's sad when a mother in law resents her son's wife/partner.

It's also sad when a daughter in law is resentful and even jealous of her husband's relationship with his birth family, especially his mother. Why is it the general expectation that on marriage a man should cut all ties with his family to concentrate on his new wife and her family, who are usually still very much in the picture? In many posts on MN the new wife comes over as very controlling, the phrase from an old TV programme always comes to mind, 'She who must be obeyed'.

I see much, much more of the exact opposite on here. Such as the recent DiL who was trying to fix a relationship with a MiL who said that if the DiL's child was a certain sex she'd "drown it at birth".

I think it’s a jealousy thing with my mil - she always prided herself on how her “lovely little men” (two sons) were so close to her; then her eldest (my husband) moved out to live with me, got married, had children, had his own life. I really think she resents me for the fact that he didn’t live at home with her forever.
The final straw for me was when she invited my husband on a family holiday, without me and his children. I can’t be bothered with her anymore.

I have had 2 nice MILs but have had extremely tense moments with both. Youre suddenly dumped into this relationship with someone who has completely different culture and assumptions from you and expected to be bezzie mates. Not surprisingly it rarely works.

My first MIL would loudly declare that she much preferred her daughter in laws to her sons, and she meant it. Not surprisingly xh didn't want to see her much and I felt a bit tense around her. Second MIL was and is adorable but she didn't have it easy as a young mum and some of those hard things she went through came back to her when I had ds, we had some tense times.