Mother in law relationships

[parentpanic]

AIBU to wonder why this relationship is so often difficult and strained for so many?

Thankfully don't see mine much now mainly due to dh and fil not speaking but we've had to endure watching his abisive and controlling ways towards her for years and dh has had it his whole life.

She has some strange ways and ideas and has overstepped the line many times where dc are concerned.

I disassociated myself from them along time ago but dh found it a struggle As he always felt sorry for her but his eyes have been opened a lot this last year and his tolerance level is non existent now finally.

She pops over once a week for a couple of hours and that's it.

They used to just turn up every friggin day whenever they felt like it and never took it when told no so it's been a relief for him and for me not having to deal with his stress and frustration every time they've been here.

Mine is a manipulative, backstabbing, drunk. I don’t want her around my son so she isn’t. I cut her off and my husband (her son) soon followed

I wonder if it's a generational thing? Perhaps current mil's come from a time when less of them worked out the home or if they did worked very part time and men were in charge of so much. So the mum role was a bigger part of their identity? I also think having a crap relationship can lead to women focusing on the kids......But then of course they grow up. Many women seen to struggle with their children becoming autonomous adults I've noticed. What would their role be if not a mother to their children? Add in a daughter-in-law for good measure and you've got the perfect person to blame/get shirty with.

My mother in law is nice. I think sometimes it's just different personalities maybe clash.

Gosh lots of reasons, why do you think op and why are you asking?

Two women thrust together in close quarters who may never have got on!
Sometimes Mil sees the son as a replacement dh if she's unhappy with her dh.
Childish, jealous, competitive, controlling, no work so bejng in charge is her main role.
No self esteem so clings to her role etc.
Won't take any feedback or advice from learning about sick gc or nappy /potty training.

Hettie definitely.

Many treat adult sons like babies. My Mil said about two years ago when dh was on his phone at the table (trying to find a recoding of dd singing for them) "oh on the phone at the table, I guess he's allowed to do that at home" 🤣🤣🤣

40 years old man

My mil was ok but we had some issues

She did like to gossip and I felt I was victim of that at times.

SHe always saw the kids though and the last 10 years of her life were easier for me.

It was hardest when we had the first child but I guess we both adapted a bit and got used to each other.

I think both parties need to be able to give a little and not sweat the small stuff so much.

She has passed now and I think she was grateful by the end of all I had done for her.

My ex's mother was fab. I loved her She would Be a great mil

My mil preferred my husbands first wife (she couldn’t stand MIL but played the game)

She is tricky and DH has spoken to her on several occasions, she blames me thinking it comes from me (it doesn’t)

She was slagging me off at a family/friend gathering and my teen daughter overheard and corrected her in front of MIL’s friends (mil was saying I won’t let Dd spend time with her, when in fact Dd didn’t want to spend the day with mil because it was her mates birthday). Mil thought Dd should have spoken in private but Dd said she didn’t want people thinking badly of me.

Mine asked 'Will it last?' on the day of my wedding.

She then announced I should call her Mum which I felt was tactless given my much loved Dad had died only 2 months before and me and my actual Mum were reeling.

As a final straw she then told me all the wifework I had to do now I was married sending cards to all DH's relations.

We were never going to be close but she basically shot the relationship in the foot. 10 years on she's OK and means well but OMG, if she'd just backed off in the beginning it would have been fine.

I think its kind of skewed research......people with calm happy family lives, "normal" in laws and so on don't post

My MIL is a psycho!

We were no contact for a couple of years as I just couldn't deal with her nonsense - i had heart palpitations when I had to deal with her. They stopped when I went NC.

We agreed to try again last year for my husband's sake as we had a particularly stressful year.

We lasted a year until my husband had a stroke and she couldn't stand me being the next of kin and "in control" of things. She hates that the hospital update me and not her. It's absolutely ridiculous. She complained about the nurse in charge of the ward the first week he was in which was a great start! The nurse hadn't done anything.

The messages and texts I have had from her during this time are shocking - she's very nasty. All at a time when we don't know how well my husband will recover or what our future will look like.

She thinks I'm jealous of her relationship with her son but he doesn't enjoy time he spends with her or speaking to her - it's a chore to him - she's so deluded.

It has taken her 12 weeks to ask to see her grandchildren - who haven't been able to see their Dad due to covid restricting visiting and whose worlds have been turned upside down by their Dad being hospitalised and badly affected by his stroke.

I've now blocked her on all phone/social media etc because I don't have the strength to deal with her shit. Even my simple texts asking straightforward non-aggressive questions get twisted and she complains about me to my poor husband in hospital who really doesn't need her shit right now .

I could write a book about all the things she's said and done.

YABU to ask and then piss off.

Is this another article you're writing?? How did you get on with the secondhand clothes one?

Mines bloody awful, so I’ve banned her from the house, problem solved.

It is funny because you don't hear about conflict between Dads and their SILs. I think women are much more likely to fight for power in the family.
I often think on MN, the two groups that come in for the most bashing are MILs and SILs. Yet, almost certainly, the horrific SILs we hear so much about on MN are also DILs.
Just as there are vile MILs on MN in real life there will be an equal number of vile DILs. ON Gransnet you hear about them all the time.

@Breeblebree she sounds so very lovely and obviously you two were very close. You must have meant the same to her too which would have brought her such happiness in her life.

I am so sorry for your loss xxx

@Enko @Breeblebree what lovely posts! 🤗

I think part of it is that it's a forced relationship with someone you wouldn't normally chose to associate with.

So mine is okay but we are very different people and so don't have much in common. So if it was a work colleague, we'd just be pleasant and chat occasionally. But as it's my mil we have to be in close quarters a few times a year.

Luckily no kids so no issues with that side.

I think with dads and son in laws, they probably don't care a joy if not much in common and just get on with it.

But mother in laws try to act like they are a second mother to you, when I have a perfectly fine relationship with mine. Happy to have a cordial friendship but not to act like a second daughter with someone the sane age as lots in my friendship group.

Mine is fine, mostly. She and I don't see eye to eye on everything, but that's ok, who does? She can be a bit dramatic, but there are worse things.

We don't live geographically close though and I wonder if that helps. Someone who just annoys you slightly, or can be a bit tactless, or whatever it is, but who you see once a week or more is possibly going to start grating on you pretty quickly. And given a lot of people rely on grandparents for childcare, there must be a lot of people who see their MILs a lot, even if it's only briefly.

The childcare thing also can cause issues as they're doing you a favour but might decide they don't need to follow your wishes about how to look after the child - then you can get resentment running in both directions at once! I can see why people need to do it, but I'm very grateful we don't to be honest.

I have also noticed a sudden warmth towards in laws as they get older and some DILs start thinking about inheritance . Like in Jane Austen novels, there is a concern about where the money might go.

It does seem sad that on MN, a site that promotes women, there are so many women hating posts directed at Mothers in law and Sisters in law.
It does sadly seem unique to women.You don't get a corresponding hatred directed at in laws on sites that are directed at husbands and fathers

My mother hasn't been the best MIL, especially at the start of my relationship with my now DH. My MIL is OK but she does show preference to some of her grandchildren and there's also the casual racist comment (never said when I'm around, but my DH has told me.abiut them).

Mine is an angel. I adore her.

It's my mother who is the problem, and it's all about control.

So tips for future MILs - don't be controlling.

Also a useful tip for some DILs !

MIL thought she was a parent to me and I was a small child who needed to be told how to do everything. I in fact never did what she told me and it drove her mad.
I think in the back of her mind she always believed DH would move home and be her companion and housekeeper.

DH thought she was amazing. But I think why I actually disliked her was she actually wasn’t interested in DH at all. She did nothing with him growing up, had no idea about his adult life. When DH was seriously unwell she wasn’t even interested. Wasn’t bothered about her GC.

Maybe if she lived closer it might have been easier as I wouldn’t have had to stay with her as it was awful.

Mine has never liked me 😔

She was furious when we got engaged on holiday, as DH told her over the phone and she was angry he hadn't told her in a special way.

She cried to DH and threatened not to come to our wedding because she "didn't get to make any decisions". She only agreed to come because DH agreed to her demand that there be plenty of photos of his sibling and their spouse.

She has never said anything about our IVF and my miscarriage, nothing to show that she cares for what we've been through.

I had to spend all Christmas day with his family and his sibling's new baby, feeling so sad and like a spare part, as not going would have caused WW3.

My sister has the loveliest MIL who even buys me Christmas presents even though I haven't seen her for ages. Her MIL is kind, generous and just a lovely woman whose heart is always in the right place. It makes me so sad that I can't have this too.