Mother in law relationships

[parentpanic]

AIBU to wonder why this relationship is so often difficult and strained for so many?

Mine was not pleased with me at first, because I was the wrong skin colour and religion. She behaved very badly and childishly. She's tried to mend things since to be fair to her and I'm never rude but I keep her firmly at arms length. It's certainly taught me a lot about a first impression!

It took me years of trying to play the dutiful DIL before I realised via therapy that ultimately my MIL is an anti-social, paranoid, judgemental and very sad woman. She presents as sweet and lovely, but it’s all a mask to hide a very hurt, anxious and angry person.

She is so extraordinarily insecure about herself and her relationships that no one is safe. FIL is the mute doormat, and DH and SIL just do whatever she wants/agree with what she says.

I’ve been at the sharp end of her weird, irrational tantrums and manipulation of DH too many times, and during Covid it just became unbearable.

I am now no contact with her and FIL, my choice. I hope one day I can bear to be in the same place as her, but more therapy is needed!

My MIL has her moments, we have our fair share of disagreements but the vast majority of the time we get on really well. I have stayed with them for work without DH and she always cooks food that I love and is vegan, even though I know she doesn’t really think vegan or veggie is normal.

On the other hand my mother has made no secret of the fact she doesn’t like DH. I think it first came from when he borrowed a van from work to move something and we stopped outside her house on the way. Oh and he taught me to tile and do DIY so obviously he doesn’t love me and isn’t good enough for me. She accused him of trying to kill me when I showed her pictures of my tilling effort in our kitchen. Apparently tiles have very sharp edges and could have fallen off and killed me.... there was no violence or threatening behaviour involved, just a weekend happily tiling and grouting.

We are no NC with her as it was clearly a choice between DH and her and whilst DH is patient, kind, generous and she has always put me down and told me I’m useless. DH could tell plenty of batshit MIL stories, but the tiling one is my favourite.

My mil is lovely. She has several dils - all very different and from different countries and cultures and each one loves her dearly. She told me she modelled herself on her own MIL who never interfered and was very supportive. We are close friends and I love her. She was an amazing support to me with my first child (left her own teenage kids and came to me when I really needed help and dh had to go back to work) and always told me what a great mother I was.

She still irritates me sometimes but more like my own mother would irritate me. We are different people with different life experiences and slightly different child-rearing ideas. For example, everyone in the house was allowed to weigh in with her younger children so the poor kids could hear "don't do that" from their mother and then a chorus from every other adult in the room - "listen to your mum"/"don't do that" etc. I used to think it lessened the impact of the first instruction. I explained it to my bil who spent a lot of time with us and he used to gently direct her from it. As it happens my other sil had no problem with this probably liked her to weigh in on her side. mil respected both of us.

I was lucky. My sister's mother in law was much older and probably not as easy/as much fun. I remember her saying "poor Peter just getting a salad for his tea" one day when her son was actually trying to lose weight and wanted a salad. I wouldn't say my sister was friends with her the way I was with mine but she supported the relationship, helped take care of her when she was older, valued her as her children's grandmother.

@BendicksBittermints4Breakfast

It's sad when a mother in law resents her son's wife/partner.

It's also sad when a daughter in law is resentful and even jealous of her husband's relationship with his birth family, especially his mother. Why is it the general expectation that on marriage a man should cut all ties with his family to concentrate on his new wife and her family, who are usually still very much in the picture? In many posts on MN the new wife comes over as very controlling, the phrase from an old TV programme always comes to mind, 'She who must be obeyed'.

I’ve literally never experienced this in real life. All my friends have only ever wanted to foster a positive relationship with their MILs. Yes there are frustrations and misunderstandings, but no more so than with people’s own parents! In fact in real life I hear a lot more moaning about people’s own mothers and fathers than about their in-laws

MIL is no longer with us, but I have to say that even though I was in her view the wrong nationality and the wrong religion she was always very welcoming to me. There were differences of opinion when I had children as I did things very differently to her, but I did the 'smile and nod thing' and DH always had my back. Ultimately I think we both made an effort because after all we had one thing in common, we both loved her son.

My relationship with mil is civil but not close. DH is an only child and she was a single parent so there was an unspoken expectation from her that he would live with her forever. When he met me, she realised that wouldn’t happen but she continually pushes boundaries, especially in regard to doing things for DH before I can and it’s very irritating.

For example, if we’re eating out, DH will say to me, “please can you pass the salt” and she will jump up, grab the salt from beside me and give it to him before I can.

We’ve had a few fall-outs over the years because of her expectations and then throwing a tantrum if she doesn’t get her way. Like a lot of other posters, I think ultimately it’s resentment of me taking him away from her.

My MIL is the most difficult, self centred women I’ve ever met. She’s used to the entire family pandering to her wants and needs. Nobody else is allowed an opinion, it’s a case of her way or the highway. I found it utterly bizarre that everyone went along with this and as soon as I didn’t all hell broke lose, she painted me out to be the trouble maker just because I wouldn’t do what she wanted when she wanted.

She pretends her and my DH are ‘best friends’ always referring to him as her ‘best friend’, they’ve never been close and DH think it’s really weird. When we got engaged she told me she was shocked as DH has never been the commitment type despite our 6 year relationship. I am NC with her now and my life is so much easier.

I discovered yesterday that my MIL had written all over the postcards I'd sent her with 'this is the time DGS1 said that's my grandma! to the waiter' or 'this is the time DHS1 took his first ever step - to me!'.

Narcissist.

You've posted this on an old thread. I'd ask MNHQ to move it to a new thread for you or it won't get seen by people.

For what it's worth though, there's no way I'd travel that far away from home at 35 weeks pregnant, and no way my DH and child would be leaving me at home alone for Christmas . Your DH needs to tell her 'no'. If he really wants to see them they'll need to travel to you and he'll have to sort everything that comes with that plan, but even that I wouldn't want at 35 weeks.

Thank you, I realise it was an old thread. Have managed to create one now ;)