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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be royally pissed off with DH’s juvenile behaviour

85 replies

Chocochick · 01/01/2022 04:12

DH and I have been having a few issues recently. To put it into context, my parents (I’m from another country) have been staying with us for 2 months; we have 2 DC (9 & 7). We all got Covid before Christmas and I was in bed for 3 days feeling really rough. Plus, my Dad is 87 and has a few health issues so I’ve been really worried about him. DH is a binge drinker and I tend to dread the holidays as I know they’ll be an excuse for him to overindulge.
Cue Christmas Eve and Christmas Day: I’m barely functioning and he’s necking the drink. I let it pass but on Boxing Day, I ask if he could please refrain from drinking until we’ve all recovered. He gets defensive and sulks for most of the day. The following day, we have another chat. We try to work things out; I ask him to please not lie to me about his drinking (or anything else for that matter) as I always catch him out and it’s just not constructive. We make up, things seem a lot better and we’re all finally feeling well for NY’s Eve so we have a lovely meal and enjoy some family time together. We take the kids to bed at around 10:30pm then sit on the sofa and I smell a rat when he’s not drinking.
He says he wants to have a chat and chill and then go to bed. I’m suspicious. Suddenly, our neighbour texts him to (apparently) say he’s alone as his wife and kids are asleep and could he come over for a bit. He pretends to be annoyed and says he just wanted to go to bed but feels bad saying no. I say I’d rather chill out and he assures me that he’ll ask the neighbour to pop in for 20 minutes or so then he’ll come and cuddle me in bed.
Midnight comes and he briefly comes in to give me a kiss, then disappears until 1:30am. I pretend to be asleep. He just rolls over (obviously after a few drinks) and falls asleep.
I couldn’t help myself and checked his phone. There it was: they had planned it all along and he said “I’ll let you know when the coast is clear” (i.e., when I’m in bed so he can come in for their drinking session).
I’m fuming! Not about the drinking (I’d have understood it’s NYE and that) but about his lying, conniving, juvenile ways just as we were trying to work on our problems.

WWYD?

OP posts:
HomeTheatreSystem · 01/01/2022 04:58

Where there's drink involved, I'd have to accept this was the way it is going to be for the rest of our lives together OR if I didn't want to live like that I would be leaving him. As you've seen he cares more about drinking than meeting your needs even for a short time so he isn't going to change, other than to get worse over time.

Youngstreet · 01/01/2022 05:35

I'd wonder why my dh felt the need to hide his drinking.
He either has a drink problem or you're so controlling that he's afraid to drink in front of you.
Probably the former.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 01/01/2022 05:35

You are married to a teenager who cares more about getting drunk than about his family, keeping his word, and or behaving like an adult. This is what your life will be like if you stay with him. He will lie. He will sneak off. He will drink - not for enjoyment but to get as drunk as he can as fast as he can. His so-called friends will enable this and encourage it.
It will get worse and worse. You will wait up nights hoping he makes it home safely and knowing he will be in no shape for whatever is planned for the next day - work, family activities, etc.
Just prepare to be a single parent of two children and a nasty, drunken teen.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 01/01/2022 05:41

He has a real problem with alcohol - I think you have to decide if this is really the kind if life you want for yourself and your children.

PeggyGa · 01/01/2022 05:42

Alcoholic. I had this for years. You can't save him. He will deny it and wreck your lives. Make plans to leave. 2 years on from leaving and life is great! Kids don't witness the trauma of him falling over drunk in the shower or crashing the car whilst parking it pissed. I used to get followed round the house too...you tragic bitch he would say. I had a mini breakdown and then gathered strength and left.
You must do it for your own mental health and your kids.
I'm dating now and yes, there are lovely normal guys out there who don't have a devastating addiction. Bless you

bonetiredwithtwins · 01/01/2022 05:43

If I had my in-laws staying for 8 weeks I'd be sneaking out for a drink too

Blondebakingmumma · 01/01/2022 05:58

I’m sorry but if my in laws were staying for that long I’d want to drink too. Why can’t he have a few drink on NYE eve?? Is he hiding it because you are controlling? Unless he is full blown alcoholic, I don’t see the harm of a few drinks

OhGiveUp · 01/01/2022 06:33

You sound like you're trying to control him and that's why he's doing it behind your back.
He's an adult, let him make his own adult choices.
To be honest, if I'd have had my in-laws staying for two months, I would have been permapissed.

Snow1n · 01/01/2022 06:39

This is a hard situation. People are saying you're controlling, but maybe you've got to this stage because you have had years of him over drinking and it causing issues?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 01/01/2022 06:46

Hmm, how many drinks are we talking when you say he binge drinks?

Does he feel the need to hide it from you because he knows it will cause arguments?

Why are your parents staying with you for two months? Was he really and truly okay with that, or is it the cause of the issues you've been having recently?

MimiDaisy11 · 01/01/2022 06:51

You say you don’t mind drinking at nye but he obviously thought you’d have an issue with it. He has been juvenile and unkind in his approach to it though.

GoodnightGrandma · 01/01/2022 06:52

He won’t change.
You choose to live with it or move on.

DifferentHair · 01/01/2022 07:01

The lying is disgusting.

I'm confused though, you asked him to stop drinking until you had recovered from Covid. Then you say you're better by NYE. So according to you he did stop drinking for the period of time you asked. Unless I missed something?

It's subjective at what point alcohol is a problem, but binge drinking is not good. Lying about alcohol intake is also a indicator of a drinking problem.

No one here can see into your life and tell you if your DH has a drinking problem / if you're controlling. There's not enough information. You're best placed to know.

His drinking is impacting you. He's lying about drinking. Sounds like a problem to me

Joystir59 · 01/01/2022 07:09

Parents staying for two months? Why so long? I'd hit the bottle.

Shoxfordian · 01/01/2022 07:10

He shouldn’t lie to you but if you treat him like a child then he’ll react like one

KatherineJaneway · 01/01/2022 07:39

@Blondebakingmumma

I’m sorry but if my in laws were staying for that long I’d want to drink too. Why can’t he have a few drink on NYE eve?? Is he hiding it because you are controlling? Unless he is full blown alcoholic, I don’t see the harm of a few drinks
Exactly
grapewine · 01/01/2022 08:02

@OhGiveUp

You sound like you're trying to control him and that's why he's doing it behind your back. He's an adult, let him make his own adult choices. To be honest, if I'd have had my in-laws staying for two months, I would have been permapissed.
Absolutely agree. Two months is a very long time, OP.
EmmasMum12 · 01/01/2022 08:17

In laws for 2 months? Poor guy. How awful

However if he has form for drinking heavily and stropping when asked to cut back, then making secret pacts to get away from you so he can drink - your marriage looks very shaky and he has a drink problem

Bellringer · 01/01/2022 08:40

Yes in laws add stress but this is alcolholic behaviour, bad for your kids. Time for some deep thought, it won't get better

Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 01/01/2022 08:57

Actually I don't think he's all in the wrong. He shouldn't have had to construct a plan to be able to have a drink with his friend on NYE instead of going to bed at bloody 10.30. It sounds like he's had a pretty shit time with your parents being there 2 month, everyone's ill and he's had some Christmas drinks, like most of us, and is getting told what to do like a child. We weren't in till 2am last night so he hardly stopped up late. I think you're being a bit controlling. Unless he gets so drunk he shits the bed and throws up everywhere.

Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 01/01/2022 08:58

We weren't in bed we only had a couple of drinks at home with PILs, but DH would not have been made to go to bed at 10.30

yellowleaves123 · 01/01/2022 09:01

If your parents hadn't been staying for 8 weeks I'd say that he is BU. If my in laws stayed for even a week let alone 8 I would find that tough.

I think there are two sets of problems. You checked his phone, so you don't trust him and feel a need to check up. He felt a need to drink behind your back. I'd speak to him today send come up with a plan to move forward. Don't forget it was NYE, a special occasion in most people's eyes. I don't think it's unfair for him to have a drink on NYE and maybe that isn't the night to start a "please don't drink" thing. How is he doing with your parents being with you for so long?

Ovenaffray · 01/01/2022 09:04

In laws for 2 months would have me face down in the Sherry by lunchtime every day.

However, you clearly think he has a drink problem.

On the other hand, it was NYE and I personally wouldn’t have had a problem with that.

And he did what you asked - laid off for a few days.

Either he’s an alcoholic or you’re controlling. We don’t have enough info here to tell.

LividLaVidaLoca · 01/01/2022 09:06

OP, I think you’ve had a name change fail just above.

Either way, I’ve been there with an alcoholic husband I didn’t want to admit was an alcoholic.

That’s what alcoholic means. You don’t have to be lying in gutters. It’s about lying to people about your drinking and those around you thinking they can make you do it more sensibly. If he’s constantly affecting your family life with drinking and lying about drinking, he’s an alcoholic.

You aren’t ready to believe it now, I know, I REALLY know, but your choices boil down to live like this forever or leave him.

NoWordForFluffy · 01/01/2022 09:07

@OhGiveUp

You sound like you're trying to control him and that's why he's doing it behind your back. He's an adult, let him make his own adult choices. To be honest, if I'd have had my in-laws staying for two months, I would have been permapissed.
In laws or my parents. I'd have been having Bailey's on cornflakes for breakfast and starting as I meant to go on!
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